Drunk on ego;

Truly thought I could make it right.

If I kissed you one more time to help you face the nightmare;

But you're far too poisoned for me,

Such a fool to think that I can wake you from your slumber

That I could actually heal you…

- Sleeping Beauty, A Perfect Circle

Chapter Two – Song of Decadence

IV

With a gasp he woke. Shot upright into a half lurched position and tense all over. Breathing rough enough to overwhelm any other noise, he looked around. The tea house remained in the same condition as he had previously seen before he fell. Only a dream then? Was it? The thought filled him with immense relief.

There was no stab wound, nor were there any slithers. The blade that was Senbonzakura lay stretched out across the small area just beside the china ceramics.

He was no longer sure what had happened.

The inky pages were still spread across the room. It took the noble a few seconds even to even realise there were two underneath him, but were ripped. Most of the candles were out, only one remained this time. Very slowly he slowly stood, making slower movements as if to test his strength then finally he stood upright. It was disgruntling the particular way the necessity of these slow motions reminded him of old age.

This could not be real. How can this be real? Something so strange, so unnatural… How can this be real? It is unheard of in Seireitei, even in the whole of Soul Society. Only humans experience this phenomenon, confusing themselves into thinking them hollows, souls or shinigami they encounter and that they can see or understand are ghosts.

Perhaps soon he would stop breathing entirely. Whether from phantom pain or shock, he would not welcome it like. This fight was not fair, he wished to live longer. He was not ready to join her yet no matter how much he wanted to see her. He wished to figure out the intricacies of this strange meeting, almost as much as he wanted to be away from it. More than those reasons, it was the basic instinctive pressure of being a soul, or being human, to survive, that held him firm.

Byakuya looked down into the pond. It was the only thing he could think to do. The tiny snake were coming up and coming around him, blocking his entrance back, slithering silkily from the water onto the bridge. While he knew the smaller, harmless snakes were not uncommon so far from the main Kuckiki home and gardens, he had also never before witnessed so many at once. His breathing pounded into his head, because how could he not think of those moments earlier involving painful demise.

The water seemed to mock at him. His reflection showed his sorry state and the moonlight was intensifying it to such a degree that he could clearly see the stark red on white that were his blood and robes. His hair was in a state he had hardly seen since his wild childhood days: messy and wild. The panic in those eyes scared him the most because it was foreign and how can I believe that is me.

And in the pond where the white met the red, he could clearly see one overwhelm the other. Less white and more red twirled on the moonlit pond. And it was there Byakuya noticed the red looked even more vivid, less like a reflection and more like a reality. But how?

Blood. It was blood. Blood was in the pond, rising slowly around him. The portions of the reflection that could not have been his reflection, only the moons, became a thinly red liquid. There was something in there, something hurt. The horror of this brought a lump in his throat because perhaps it was a person! Someone was hurt and he was too terrified to discover the truth. Too emotionally traumatized to even offer assistance.

It could not be his blood, could it? Most definitely not. Logically it could not be since there was no blood outside of his body.

What was it then?

Byakuya stepped closer to peer into the diluted crimson waters, careful to maintain his step to remain steady. Freezing didn't prevent his reaction this time.

Bile rose in his throat.

He could not tare his eyes away.

A move as uncharacteristic as the events in this night followed: a sharp scream tore from his throat. Shrill and like nothing his lungs had ever attempted or he knew to be capable of, a move Byakuya didn't know he could accomplish and here he was, unable to stop it.

V

His instincts were screaming at him! Run! But running could not help him. His body could not move perhaps even from the pure blow alone. But his eyes were closed. They burned. He could not bear for a second longer to see what he had just witnessed. He could not even turn around; he was frozen in the same useless position. His legs trembled and his knees went week, his whole body seemed as if it had been submerged into a freezing pool, so cold that it was burning fire. While Byakuya's lungs desperately ached for fresh air, he hardly noticed. He had stopped his breath, keeping still as possible without the actual knowledge. It was a destitute mechanism for trying to keep whatever preservation he had left.

Thud, something clanged harshly to the ground behind him. The sound instantly seemed to revive him. The previous frozen state he was in fled him entirely and he took no time to take in the fallen unlit candle and holder, rushing out with his wildly beating heart on shaking legs. With a distant air Byakuya turned the corner around the last steps of the elevated panels and he used shunpo to escape the darkness surrounding the unlit secrecy. The fey atmosphere was left behind entirely diminutive moments later.

Light entered his overwhelmed vision moments later. The light yellowy tint resonated and was surrounding a portion of a less direct path toward an informal entrance to the mansion; in fact it was a back garden entrance and led to his chambers in moments. Byakuya ignored all this. Only memory allowed him to navigate around the entrance, onto the porch and then further inside and down the hallway without crashing into anything in his great haste. But he barely even noticed any of it.

Byakuya's mind was distant to his surroundings now. He seemed in a state of shock and by now, while his exterior disposition was seemingly unruffled slightly still, his heart still beat passionately in his chest. An inner conflict was taking place in his head, but somehow his mind seemed frozen to him. I do not know what I saw, but I can't even think. My brain will not function no matter how rational I try to be, what the eye has seen... At the back of his mind, he noted he felt grateful that no one occupied the halls in the eastern entrance. I cannot control my breathing, it is still beyond the steadiness it should be, and I cannot focus, he noted dully.

By now he had stopped his flash-steps and was walking in a brisk manner. Byakuya turned to the right and passed shoji walls with gentle paintings of blossom trees before arriving into his personal quarters. Manually shutting the door and then locking it hurriedly, for no apparent reason, Byakuya finally allowed his controlled façade to slip somewhat further. Only slightly will I allow myself this, because he knew if he let go of his control entirely he would not be able to recover in time.

His walls of control and discipline came down for those moments.

His trembling, uncontrollably shaking hands came up to his chest, rested at the area just above his heart. His eyes slid shut and he listened to his heart pound in his ears and jump on his fingers. He knew he needed to calm down somewhat, it would only be worst for his mental and physical state now if he were to allow the shock to consume his soul. He tried to clear his mind; a mocking image of a visible brush painting the picture surface white appeared to take away it, the sight, from him for moments, but immediately after his eyes snapped open. Byakuya gagged, unable to take the image and the scent - the scent drove him mad. Bile rose in his throat, burning and raging in its taste. I can no longer bear this; an inner voice stated the obvious and sounded remarkably like his lieutenant. Looking up from the wastefully large mirror hanging above the bathroom sink counter, he continued to gage vainly, but soon Byakuya turned his face away from his appearance, unable to look at that. What have I become, what has happened to me? Such an encounter changing me so greatly, my strength all gone, my bones feel weak. He gagged again, feeling more bile rise in his throat. The disgusting feeling of the bile was certainly related to his feelings of disgust with himself. He had lost it tonight. I'm lost entirely. He had let out a scream tonight. The scream was a shrill one; one high in a pitch that he could not have thought to be related to his regular tenor. Yet at the moment, he didn't even remember doing it, he only noted the loud sound around him perhaps unable to even process that it was himself that let it out.

Seven minutes later, Byakuya stepped out of his bathroom and into his expansive bedroom. Moving past the bed and away toward the far direction of the room where elaborate floor length windows seemed to elevate the room in height, Byakuya walked past that, glancing at Hisana's vanity table he had arranged for construction prior to their marriage, and saw his full reflection in the long mirror. A shining kenseikan sat on the side of the table. Without her there to use it, Byakuya occasionally used the space to weave the kenseikan into his hair. He felt a twinge and he quickly tore his eyes away from the sight. He approached the wardrobe and quickly changed clothing and unceremoniously dropped his previous dirty clothing into a heap at the foot of the wardrobe. I have ceased caring about such trivialities; I cannot stop thinking of what I have just witnessed.

Byakuya tried to move gently on the bed, but could not seem to stop the shaking in his limbs and all but collapsed onto the soft mattress. The noble let go of the rigid way of holding himself and wilted into the comfort and turned to his right side, legs curling slightly. His whole body seemed to let out an unbearable amount of tension and he fought to keep his eyes open. Those images, that image. What dignity remains of me now?

His head spun ever so slightly and his body shook softly so that his orientation was lost. The room seemed to spin and Byakuya breathed.

His heart sped up a little bit more.

The lights were out but the moonlight seeped into the room. His eyes fell on the highlight that fell upon a plum coloured canopy drape. Try to think of normal things. And he thought of the drapes. The drapes seemed to come from the ceiling, but were from the canopy of the bed. He always left them open. He didn't like the feeling of being enclosed and would have long gotten rid of the ridiculous frame if not for the comfortable mattress and placement. Today, he felt different about it. Today, in my room and in my bed, I feel safe; a most childish reaction, he thought as he mentally berated himself. Hidden from the world...

His eyelids shut and soot black lashes greeted his cheeks. It was finally tranquil.

BANG!

Byakuya stiffened, all previous tension returning to his limbs within the second. His head rose toward the direction of the door and his heartbeat became a rapid fire.

BANG! Bang, bang. The ponding seemed not to desist and he felt the shock of the resonating movement.

"Taicho! Kuchiki TAICHOOO," it was his idiot of a lieutenant if the reiatsu and yelling hadn't given it away already. Why now…?

"Kuchiki taicho! Sorry to disturb you- I- well… Can I come in?"

By now Byakuya had slumped back into his white bed sheets and didn't answer. Hopefully Renji will receive the hint.

Silence.

"…Taicho? I'll just speak from here. I sense you're in your room…and by now I'm sure you're awake by my knockin'," and Byakuya's mind supplied him with 'knocking? Pounding did you mean to say?' "Are you alright? Rukia and Berryhead- well Rukia really, tiny woman threatened'a kick my ass - girl made me come 'ere." Abarai continued in an elevated voice unaware of how it caused Byakuya to wince into his pillow.

Byakuya had to strain to hear the last part because Renji continued in a small voice, "So…we sensed your sudden entrance and your…alarmed reiatsu." More silence.

"Taich- Byakuya."

Go away, Renji.

"I'm concerned, wha' happened?"

After a few moments of awkward silence on Renji's part, he continued. "C'mon Taicho…don't be like that. We're na' even working now. Open the door."

Renji seemed to be trying a different tactic. "I wanna talk to you, open t'door! You'll probably kill me for this but…" And this time Byakuya heard Renji put his large hand on the doorknob and twist harshly - to no avail. It was locked, Byakuya though in private triumph. The smallest hint a smile of victory spread across his face.

"…Byakuya."

Renji is nothing if not persistent. It was that though that finally forced him to swing his legs over the edge of the bed and get up after the moment. He stumbled slightly but instantly tightened his control and walked over calmly toward the door. His façade was in place.

"…Sorry," he heard Renji utter softly, perhaps turning to go. It was at that moment Byakuya slowly opened the door, pushing it a few inches open to peer at Renji's half-turned body. Renji jumped slightly at the sound of the opened door but flashed a sheepish, chagrined grin at his captain over his half-turned shoulder. He glanced downward to look at Byakuya.

Their eyes met.

"What is it, Abarai-fukutaicho?"

This time Renji seemed not to have an answer. "Ummm, well…" The noble watched his lieutenant's face pale slightly and his Adam's apple drop as he gulped. Perhaps it's due to being face to face.

"Yes… Abarai?" Renji thought his captain's voice was almost unnoticeably sweeter than normal. He only ever heard it a few times before. It was an open sign his patience was running thin, not a good thing.

"Well. Wha' happened to you, taicho? Rukia, Ichigo and I were concerned." And although Byakuya didn't wish to be bothered, he was inwardly deeply touched by their concern. What have I done to deserve this? I still remember Rukia's hurt… He knew they had forgiven him for his role playing right into Aizen's hands, but sometimes his mind couldn't even fathom and accept fully how they could…even after all that time.

"I am fine, Abarai. It's late; I was merely rushing to get back here." The noble wasn't sure why he let the lie slip so easily from his mouth. His strange situation certainly was alarming enough to warrant a search of some kind… and yet he also wasn't entirely sure what had happened himself. He didn't want his lieutenant, let alone sister and Kurosaki boy somewhat, to venture to brave the experience, to shed some light on the situation. There was another reason Byakuya certainly didn't want to contemplate. What if it was all in my head? Could such a thing really have happened? While he questioned his exhausted mind, his heart and body told him it was reality. But how could it be? Although… stranger things have happened. NO, I am not mad. The thought firmly stuck to his head and he resolved to fix the issue at a later point. Could I go back to such a place? …I have to risk it I suppose. The though send cold chills up his spine even as Byakuya struggled desperately to control his body's response hence Abarai would notice.

Too late, I really do not give him enough credit, the noble lamented in the privacy of his head. "I can see something is wrong. I've known 'ou long 'nough so say otherwise. You could say I've become quite good at reading you. I know something happened. What is it?" His baritone was firm and strong, almost soothing and yet bothering. Renji pushed at the slightly open door even as Byakuya firmly held it to place. Renji pushed harder knocking, eyes widening as he watched Byakuya being pushed back a step by the force unexpectedly and uncharacteristically.

"Abarai," he heard his captain whisper warningly.

Renji stepped into the room through the tight space and shut the door firmly behind him. The lights from the hallway faded abruptly as the door closed and the lower portion of the two shinigami were bathed in soft moonlight in the otherwise night cloaked room. Renji could hardly see his captain's face now, but he knew he would normally be furious; he had just stepped into Kuchiki-taicho's private area without permission. He held his breath and displayed an outwardly cocky stance. Now that he didn't have to entirely bear looking at the seething expression-

"Yo… Rukia's fever is getting a little worse, but Ichigo's there with her now. Rukia wanted me to get you. To make sure you were alright." Their eyes met again for the moment and Renji peered down his captain's body. There was no blood or sign of injury.

"Taicho… you're shaking," what he had originally though was the noble shaking with anger now appeared to be uncontrollable shivers. His eyebrows furrowed and his facial tattoo-like marks shifted.

Their eyes met again.

"Did anything happen?" Stupid question, Abarai! Of course something had to have happened in order for his captain to respond like this. "Was it anyone? Who did this? I'm here t'help you." His captain let out a longwearing sigh, didn't even bother to hide it! The drooping eyelids closed fully and head lowered to hide his face fully in shadow.

"It was nothing." The situation was slowly becoming too overwhelming for Byakuya, he didn't think he could deal with his handful of a lieutenant. I can't say nothing now… we've come a long way since the Winter War, it was almost four years ago. Abarai is my…admittedly…a friend. Just as Rukia is my sister now. Byakuya resolved to fix their worry. After all, they were one of the only people he had come to genuinely care for and they had in return done the same. Renji deserved an explanation.

"I thank you for your concern. It's nothing, Abarai, I'm just a little tired. I need to sleep." It was meant as a cue of leave for Renji, one that the brawny man ignored. He only stepped closer to the noble and grasped a slender wrist gently between his own.

"We're close, aren't we? Byakuya? I know something scared you enough ta rush back here, to yer room for safety… Let me be your protection… Tell me what happened," Renji spoke freely in a manner he would not have dared to do otherwise in previous years. Byakuya frowned and looked at their joined hands between them. Is there really no avoiding this?

"You were coming from calligraphy?" Renji prompted.

Byakuya let out a tiny frustrated noise and looked to his right into the night. The branches of cherry and plum blossom trees swayed slightly while the loose petals danced in escape.

"Yes. At the tea house."

Renji tightened his grip at his tone, but eventually released the paler wrist while waiting in anticipating silence.

"I'm fine," Byakuya stated firmly after a few seconds before turning away and walking over toward the bed. "I would like to rest."

Instinctively Renji's hand shot out and grasped the smaller wrist again. "Please?" Byakuya shrugged the hand away painfully and resumed his walk toward the bed. He sat on the edge, still looking in the direction of the windows. Renji took a step forward undeterred by the show of rejection.

"…Something off occurred tonight. I am…indeterminate as to the exact nature of this occurrence and of what it was I experienced, thus I cannot conclude much to you." Byakuya'a tone was strained, at first spoken in a hesitating then rushing to let the words out fast enough toward the end.

Renji's eyebrows furrowed again. This something must have shaken Taicho up quite badly. He then came to a realisation. He wants to let it out!

Renji wandered further in the room he had never been inside of and sat upon a large wooden chair beside the bed. He had been very bold today. He looked across at his captain's face seeking authorization for the action which the captain didn't acknowledge at all. This whole situation was very odd for Renji. He had never seen his captain so shaken up before other than the time in the Fourth Division after Rukia's…

"I…can't explain what occurred. But there was blood. In the pond, there was blood and…"

"…And?"

"There was blood on my kimono, but I don't believe it was my own. A pressure seemed to form in my chest as if someone aimed solely to break my heart."

They both sat disbelieving at the words.

"I sensed something, but there was no one around me. Senbonzakura confirmed it." Byakuya glanced around the room, as if looking for his zanpakuto.

"Where is your zanpakuto?"

"I do not know. I think it's still left…there." How could he have left something so precious, so vital as his zanpakuto behind? Byakuya rose slowly. Byakuya tried to connect with his zanpakuto mentally. Senbonzakura's usual whisper remained dormant in his head and a small hint of panic escaped him in the form of a sigh. When he looked back to Renji he noted the robust man had a confused and anxious expression on his face. He was probably wondering about his captain, what a strange spectacle he had created for himself. Renji probably was shocked about seeing such a degree of weakness in his superior and Byakuya was not entirely sure how he felt about being perceived in that light.

"Ok, I've had it! You need to tell me now," Renji demanded. "What is this where? What the fuck happened? Do I needa call Ichigo? Rukia even, Byakuya!"

Byakuya wished to remain silent but years of entertaining his younger lieutenant's fastidious, carefree responses had left him letting out automatic replies. As the years went by, it bordered on a harmless tone, affectionate and humouring even.

"You would threaten me with my sister?" She will likely threaten you for that.

Years of interaction left them familiar with each other and far more comfortable in each other's presence. Byakuya was even loath to say that he did not guard his external appearance as much as he should have done. He would let this one pass.

"There was the blood and… I was dreaming. That scent… " Byakuya's normally conducive mind supplied him with a form of speechlessness. The sublime experience left him a trying desperately to fill in the missing words.

"You said there was blood, but could there be someone hurt? Not you, but how the fuck could it have even gotten on you? Did you fight?"

Byakuya reluctantly spoke as he stood from his bed and stood by the widow, Byakuya's pale skin seemed like a pasty white against the dim white shine coming through the bars. It was hours from aurora yet, but the light was sufficient to make out just how clammy his clenched slim hands were. He answered monotonously "In a manner of speaking… The fight was rather one-sided, I don't know what I was fighting and I was unable to see it. I just felt I was watched." Renji frowned and moved from his sitting position to a standing one.

"But there was blood."

"…I do not know. It was from in dream. That's all." Byakuya whispered firmly as he tried to convince Renji.

Renji strode over to him and reached toward Byakuya's elbow this time.

"What are you doing?"

"C'mon, you're going to take me where this place is. I'm gonna check it out now. It's killing me."

"NO," the small yelped shout escaped Byakuya before he could arrest it. Byakuya felt very out of control at that moment.

"No," he repeated slower and softer this time. "Renji, it was only a dream. Leave it. I only remember now, the contents of the dream was startling. When I woke again I left immediately from the tea house. Do not go, Renji."

"Byakuya, you're shaken up! I need to check this out. What happened to cause this? Just a dream?"

Byakuya closed his eyes and sighed a little. This was becoming increasingly difficult. Renji would not listen to him. But he was at an advantage; Renji did not even know of the tea house's location. Still…he needed to be stopped at all cost. What if what I experienced happens to him? A small amount of bile threatened to rise once again. The gnawing fear in his heart seemed to consume his whole body. Enough. Another method would have to be used. They had been dancing around each other enough.

"Do not go…Renji. Stay," the past part was whispered. At that Byakuya watched from lowered lids Renji's breathe catch and his eyes widen significantly, he also noted he did not detest the idea of Renji staying, it was better than the alternative.

Renji did not say anything. Instead he moved closer to Byakuya until he noted the perfect moonlight hitting him full on. The rest of him was covered in shadow. The figure before him looked almost delicate now. A little too fragile for whom he knew Kuchiki-taicho and Byakuya to be. Some dream.

Reaching his arms around Byakuya's shoulders he allowed them to slump on the downward-curved limbs a moment before forcefully turning the slight body around to face him.

"Renji," Byakuya protested but did not resist the movement. He looked up the few inches into his subordinates face and noted the determined expression on his face.

As soon as he was turned Renji's potent arms curled around his shoulders again in a tight grip and it pulled Byakuya up further against him. Byakuya was surprisingly pliant. Why am I even allowing this?

"Let me," were the only words spoken, slight frustration and disappointment laced in his voice because in the end, Kuchiki-taichou had not told him anything substantial. But…it's a start at least, isn't it, he redhead thought as he silently promised himself he would keep persisting.

The noble's eyes fluttered shut at the comment and his entire tense body calmed a smidgen. The hands that were pressed up against the younger man's kosode ready to push the man off as planned earlier deterred.

"Abarai," the noble whispered, slightly stunned at the bold move. Renji's head was bent against neck and hair; the distended breathes pressing against his exposed neck. His cheek was pressed against Renji's left shoulder delicately, peering into the moonlit room as he tried to keep from inhaling Renji's distinct scent. He was unused to the type of contact; it was uncomfortably close for his liking but undeniably uplifting. Renji's arms tightened further as if in response. The widened slate coloured eyes disappeared again under drooping eyelids moments later.