He had no idea where he was. The hand thing had frightened him so badly that he'd nearly passed out. Turned out that Niam was only offering to help him up, but hey, it was an honest mistake. Niam had then shoved his hand into the DHD and entered a whole series of gate addresses too fast for Rodney to note and remember. Eventually, the Asuran had dragged Rodney through one of the resulting wormholes.

Now he was sitting in a chair, firmly secured to it by more Lego-like strings. They were really creepy, apparently alive, responding to his attempts to free his wrists and ankles with appropriate flexing and tightening. He winced and tried to stop struggling, willing himself to overcome the burgeoning claustrophobia, whispering, "Wide open spaces… wide open spaces…"

Spying Niam's expression hardening, he immediately abandoned this mantra. "Um, sorry. Just trying to picture a lush, green meadow that spans for miles and miles. Not in any way making reference to space in the astronomical sense, because obviously, that's not a desirable place for, you know, a person to be. Speaking of which, sorry about that whole leaving-you-to-drift-in-space deal. It was an accident. Really."

"Are you suggesting that Colonel Sheppard accidentally decompressed the airlock after locking me inside it?"

Good point. "Um, well, I guess I meant that it wasn't part of the plan."

"I wouldn't know, would I? I wasn't even aware that blowing up my city was part of the plan until after you'd initiated the self-destruct."

Rodney smiled anemically. "Well, um, you know… things were a little hectic when push came to shove. Lots of unforeseen circumstances. Your programming being reset at the last minute, for example, and you trying to choke Elizabeth…" Catching another dark look from Niam, he hurried on. "Not that any of that was your fault, of course!"

Things were firmly on the not good side here. Over the past few years in this galaxy, Rodney had become accustomed to being kidnapped, but this was the first time he'd been kidnapped by someone whose brain he'd hacked and whom he'd ejected into space. This was new territory; bad new territory.

Maybe he could put a positive spin on it. "You know, it couldn't have been all bad. Plenty of time to contemplate Ascension while floating in a vacuum, after all. And where I come from, having the freedom to travel is considered a great luxury."

"Perhaps I would have enjoyed the travel more if I'd had a means of propulsion," Niam countered.

That argument put a quick end to the spin cycle. Yeah, okay, so abject prostrating it was, then. "I am deeply, genuinely sorry about leaving you adrift, Niam. I never intended for that to happen. I really, really hope you can, um, forgive me." He couldn't help thinking he was hitting a new low by apologizing for something that had resulted in his survival and that of his team. This day was sucking a lot.

Niam just looked at him, no trace of forgiveness on his face. Not a whole lot of interest, either, for that matter. "I'm sure you do regret it, if only because of the situation in which you now find yourself. But I did not bring you here to seek revenge."

Rodney felt a surge of hope. "Oh, really?"

"Yes. I'm after something else. Revenge will merely be a bonus."

Okay, things were back to sucking again. "Look, what is it you're after? Maybe I can help you get it."

"You are going to help me get it. That's why I've brought you here."

"Uh, right. Okay, so what is it? What do you want?"

Niam outlined his goal and how he intended to accomplish it. Rodney stared at him, wondering if somehow Sheppard's mind had gotten downloaded into Niam's head, because that's about how much sense this plan made.

"You have got to be kidding. That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard!" Oops. Forgot he wasn't actually talking to Sheppard. Fortunately, Niam merely smiled. Rodney shook his head in awe. "Seriously, that's never gonna work."

"You believe your people will not cooperate? Do they not value your life sufficiently?"

"Of course they do!" Rodney shouted, even though he was far from convinced on this point. "But I'm not sure they'll be able to cooperate. What you're asking, it's… well, I'm not sure it's even possible, and I know it won't work."

"It WILL work!" thundered Niam, and the Lego-ropes reflexively tightened on Rodney's arms and legs. Rodney hissed in pain (that silly string stuff was a lot nicer by comparison to this) but couldn't help noticing a certain resemblance in this moment between his abductor and Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein. All that was needed was a thunderclap and ominous lightning streaming in through a Gothic window. Well, and maybe Zelenka's hair.

"Okay, you're right, I'm sure it will work beautifully and exactly as planned." Rodney sighed and thought the thoughts of the dead man he most certainly was.

ooOooOoo

He hadn't spent as much time Legoed to the chair as he'd expected. Niam had fed him (which Rodney thought was mighty organic of him) and then taken him to the large-ish room that was his cell. It was furnished and fairly comfortable compared to most of his cells from previous capture experiences, although the Legosnakes were a little disturbing. Half a dozen of them of various lengths slithered around the room – on the floor, up the leg of the lone chair, across the foot of the small bed where he was resting. The metallic hiss of their movements was almost maddening.

Wide open spaces… wide open, snake-free spaces…

But there's no point in wasting energy going crazy when your impending demise is looming large on the horizon – things to do, people to wish were in your place – so Rodney kept it together, somehow managing to tune out the Legosnakes and pretend that he was on a much-needed vacation to a rather Spartan (if somewhat snake-infested) bed-and-breakfast.

He had almost succeeded in forgetting where he was when he heard the lock on the door disengage. He turned his head to see the door being opened by a granddaddy Legosnake, which slithered quickly across the floor toward him. As he registered this, he became aware that the ones already in the room seemed to have acquired new purpose. Several wormed their way under his back and physically suggested he sit up. Those ended up around his wrists, tying his hands behind him. The remaining snakes combined with the granddaddy and slid up the bed, along his chest, and coiled around his neck snugly. The suggestion was then made, rather firmly, that he leave the room.

He was led into yet another room, where Niam and some elaborate equipment of an unknown nature awaited him. The Legos around his neck jerked Rodney when he paused to nervously study the equipment, dragging him toward a chair. "Ow! Take it easy, will ya? This is the only neck I brought with me." The free end of the Lego lead wrapped itself once around Niam's wrist before settling its end into his open palm.

"Rodney!"

Startled at the tinny voice, Rodney glanced around the room, then looked to Niam. "Who's that? What's going on?"

"Rodney, are you all right?"

"Elizabeth?" Okay, it was some kind of communication equipment.

"What the hell have you done to him?" Sheppard was present, too, apparently. "What's that damned thing around his neck?"

Ohhh, great. It was a camera. Elizabeth and Sheppard were watching the whole thing and had just been treated to the no doubt highly entertaining spectacle of him being dragged into the room by a Lego leash. There just hadn't been enough indignities already today. Had to have this, too.

"Please communicate that you are in good health," Niam instructed.

Grimacing at the unfairness of life in Pegasus, Rodney looked into what he presumed to be the lens of the camera, jerked his head toward Niam, and told them, "What he said."

"Rodney, are you all right?" Elizabeth again, apparently stuck in a dialogue loop.

"Oh, yes, I'm just peachy, thanks! As you can see, I'm the hot new thing in executive gift products: Brain on a Chain."

"As I assured you," Niam said calmly, "Dr. McKay has not been harmed."

"Yet!" Rodney recognized the seething rage as Ronon's. "And you better hope that he's still in that same condition by the time I find you."

"You have no hope of pinpointing our location," Niam answered mildly, "and therefore are in no position to make threats."

"We'll see," Ronon growled dangerously. "I won't be standin' around doin' nothing while my teammate gets tortured by a walking sack of mechanical bugs."

"Said sack of mechanical bugs is currently holding the chain around my neck," Rodney hastily reminded him, flashing a slightly hysterical smile at the Asuran.

"Please, let's all just try to calm down," Elizabeth said, keeping her words even and slow. Rodney felt his heart rate increase noticeably. That happened to him every time anyone told him to calm down. His entire existence seemed ruled by irony. "Niam, I don't believe that you are a cruel… person, and I don't think you really want to hurt Rodney."

"No," Rodney said fervently, clearing his throat sheepishly when he realized he'd said it out loud. Niam raised an eyebrow but said nothing to confirm his desire not to hurt the scientist. Rodney considered kicking him but figured the leash wouldn't like that.

"So, surely we can work something out," Elizabeth continued in her very best Let's all be reasonable adults about this voice.

"Yes, we can work something out," Niam said, and for one brief, insane moment, Rodney was sure he was going to add, And don't call me Shirley! "Very shortly, I will tell you my demands. Dr. McKay's continued good health will depend entirely upon your full cooperation."

The leash went taut unexpectedly, the loop around Rodney's neck tightening, choking him. Shoulda gone ahead and kicked him, he thought as he tried to gasp some air through his constricted throat.

He was aware of voices screaming "Stop!" – he thought he could pick out Elizabeth's and Teyla's, maybe even Carson's, although it was hard to be sure since the brogue seemed to diminish when he wasn't off-world – and of Sheppard trying to order Niam to cease and desist or some such militaristic macho bullshit, and somehow, he thought there was a dog barking rabidly, but then he sort of remembered one time when Ronon was pissed off and he was making these strange sounds and Rodney asked what the hell was that supposed to be and Teyla told him that Ronon was cursing in Satedan, and Rodney said that it sounded exactly like this Rottweiler that a family down the street used to have, and wasn't it kind of funny that a guy with so much hair should bark like a dog with such a short-haired coat, and boy, did he wish he could get free of whatever was holding his hands behind him, because if he could, then he could reach around and take off this thing around his neck that seemed to be strangling him…

And it must have been twilight now, since the room was getting darker, and Rodney had an incomprehensible, inane idea that he was about to start working on his degree in advanced decomposition.

tbc

It may be a day or two before the next chapter is up. Please stay tuned!