AN: Hello everybody! Long time no see, huh? I apologize for taking this long to update this story, but I promise I will try and make it up to you. I've been really busy with school and finals and what not. Also the Nashville season finale kinda took all the inspiration away from me for a couple of weeks (car accidents count as an excuse even if you're not the one involved, don't they?). Anyways, I finally managed to finish this second chapter and I'm already working on the next one. I feel like I should apologize in advance to you, or at least prepare you, for all the "Teddyness" the following chapter contains. I know you must be thinking "Oh no, Teddy ruins everything", but I think it was necessary to explore Rayna's relationship with Teddy to fully understand why she made the choices she made back then. I worked hard, especially on the dialogues, because I wanted their relationship to feel as real as possible, authentic (hence all the cussing and yelling). I personally never doubted Rayna's love for Teddy while watching the show, not once, that's why it was important to me to make this chapter about them and to analyze the depths of their relationship and how Rayna truly felt about him. I hope you will enjoy it as much as I enjoyed picturing Connie Britton cuss in my head, cause I have a feeling they won't give me that on national television. Meh. Lol
The song I used for this chapter is "Stronger" by Faith Hill and actually this is the soundtrack to this whole story, because it's the song that inspired me to start writing it in the first place. Soooo Faith if you're reading this, thank you. Lmao
Okay, enough with my silliness. I would love for you to share your thoughts on this with me, so hit the review button below if you feel like doing so.
Enjoy!
Saturday, June 5th 1999
ST. Francis Hospital – Tulsa, OK 12.13 AM
"Here." Rayna set a bottle of water on the bedside table near Deacon's bed and handed him the mints she had just bought him from the cafeteria.
"Thanks." Deacon murmured taking them from her hands and opening the package. Rayna sat back into her chair, her hands fidgeting with the hem of her blouse keeping her occupied. Silence engulfed them and they both welcomed the little quiet with open arms. Deacon had overdosed, Rayna had kissed him, each in their own ways had managed to make the other's world cave in. The silence lingering in the aseptic hospital room was helping them maintaining a fragile balance between two extremes, between salvation and destruction. He was a disaster to her. She was a disaster to him. Together? Together they were a beautiful disaster. Rayna lifted her head up and took in his profile, Deacon felt her eyes on him and slightly turned his gaze towards hers. Two pair of blue eyes met midair and it felt like the whole world stopped for a second there to admire that beautiful disaster.
12.39 AM
"You know, you should rest some more." Rayna ventured when she noticed him shifting from side to side in that tiny hospital bed. "They won't let you leave until that thing is empty so..." She trailed off still pointing to the drip attached to Deacon's arm.
"Yeah, I think I will." He mumbled looking away.
And back to the awkward silence they went. Looks were stolen here and there and breaths hitched from time to time but no sound came out of their mouths. No word was uttered. No thoughts were shared. Tension was building up. They were both loading their weapons for the inevitable fight that would have taken place shortly afterwards, both studying their strategies and plays. Offense is the best defense, Deacon reminded himself. The first to score is the one who wins, Rayna told herself.
02.08 AM
Rayna crossed her right leg over her left, shifting her weight on her left side. Her head fell on her waiting hand and she let out an exasperated groan. That position wasn't working for her either. Her right leg had fallen asleep at least three times in the past hour, she was not amused.
"You should go back to your hotel." Deacon finally spoke up, opening his eyes. Rayna thought he was asleep, but apparently he couldn't sleep either. Or maybe it was her moving around in the space of a few squared centimeters that was bothering him.
"Nah, I'm good." Rayna countered hastily.
"You should go Ray, I'm fine. I'll take a cab and go back to the hotel when they release me, It's not a pro-"
"I'm staying." She leaned her upper body forward and grabbed his hand.
"Fine." Deacon conceded, a little smile forming on his lips. Rayna closed her eyes for a second and squeezed his hand, only to find that little smile changed into a megawatt one when she opened them again. Rayna chuckled and shook her head diverting her eyes from him. She gently tried to remove her hand from his but felt his finger interlace with hers, so she stopped. His thumb softly brushed the inside of her hands, drawing circles on her palm. Rayna moved forward along with her chair and rested her head on his thigh. She had finally found a comfortable position. Deacon's right hand instinctively moved to the other side of the bed and caressed her head, letting her soft strawberry strands pass over and in between his fingers, following each strand till it reached its end in the middle of her back. His fingertips inadvertently brushed against the soft cotton of her blouse right above her bra clasp. Rayna closed her eyes, trying to refrain herself from letting a moan escape her lips. Deacon looked down at her and smirked, before resuming his sweet torment. Walking the line had never been their forte, all they knew how to do was tripping over the line. Over and over again.
05.55 AM
"Come on hop on this bed, I'll scoot over." Deacon urged her.
"What? No. I'm good really." Rayna shook her head and winced in pain when she tried to turn her neck to look at him.
"Come on this is ridiculous. I told you to go back to the hotel, but you won't do that cause you are as stubborn as the man that generated you." Rayna rolled her eyes and snickered. "It won't be the first time we share a bed. Get in here."
"Deacon there's really no need to-"
"Rayna, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you." Deacon looked her straight in the eyes, making it clear he was done making jokes.
"I called Coleman." Rayna blurted out. She took advantage of the serious moment they were having and decided to try and score first. There was no point in ignoring the huge elephant in the room any longer, anyways.
"You what?" Deacon's eyes widened. "Oh come on Ray!" His clenched fist hit the mattress on his left side.
"You didn't really leave me with a choice." Rayna said calmly, knowing full well that was the best approach when it came to this kind of talks.
"I am not going back there." He shook his head vigorously. "This twelve-steps program doesn't work for me, you know that." He sputtered a nervous laugh, passing a trembling hand through his hair.
"What do you suggest we do then?"
"Leave me alone?" He groaned, his control snapping at last.
"You'd love that, wouldn't you?" Rayna huffed leaning back in her chair.
"I am not going back to rehab and that's final." He uttered every word with such firmness in his voice, Rayna decided to shift gears, screw the soft and calm approach.
"God Deacon would you take a look at yourself?" She got up at once, pushing the chair against the near wall. "How many more times do you think you can put yourself through this? You wanna know how many times they pumped your stomach this time around? Four Deacon! Four fucking times! One more than the last time. That drip attached to your arms? They changed it already twice! And when is the last time you touched food? You must have lost at least 10lbs in the past two weeks."
"Rayna." He simply used her name as a warning.
"No! Don't Rayna me!" She raised her voice above his. "Now you listen. You're going back to rehab and you're going to work your ass off to kick this damn habit."
"I don't want to go back there. It's hell!" Deacon thundered, his gaze came across hers and they both stood silent for a moment, giving themselves time to read the other's mind.
"It cannot be worse than this." Rayna said soothingly tearing her eyes away, scared his eyes would tell her different.
"Oh trust me it is." He muttered looking up at the ceiling. Rayna's heart broke into a million pieces when she noticed the unusual teary sparkle his eyes had. He blinked a couple of times and then looked down again, his manly composure instantly regained. Rayna grabbed the back of the chair and pushed it back next to Deacon's bed before plopping herself onto it. She drank in the silence for a minute, buying time to ponder her next crucial move.
"I cannot do this anymore." She began. "I thought I was going to have a heart attack when I saw you like that. If you don't want to do this for yourself, then do it for the people who actually love and care for you." Somehow she found her hand stroking his forearm.
"Like you?" He chortled. "Please!" He pulled his arm back, breaking their contact.
"What?" Rayna's eyebrows scrunched in confusion.
"How is Teddy Conrad doing?"
"You're unbelievable." She shook her head letting out a nervous laugh. Now she got it. Now it was all clear to her.
"What Rayna? Do you want me to pretend I believe what you say? Fine, you love me and you care about me. I am so lucky to have you in my life. How does that sound? Convincing enough?" He sneered, the color of his eyes looking different at once. A deeper shade of blue, a shade she did not like.
"I cannot deal with you when you're like this."
"Like what?" He asked, his challenging tone didn't go unnoticed by Rayna.
"Like this, like a perfect ass!" She shouted, her arms flying in the air in frustration.
"I'm an ass now." Deacon scoffed astounded.
"You know what? Whatever." Rayna got up and in anger grabbed the leather jacket that was lying at the foot of his bad. "You wanna destroy your life? That's fine, I'm not going to stand by and watch you as you dig your own grave". Hurriedly she slid one arm in her jacket and then the other. "There's a plane ticket to Nashville under Claybourne at the airport, you can choose whenever you want to leave. Cole said it'd be no problem for him to pick you up at the airport. Just let him now when you land." Wrapping her right hand around her hair, she freed it from the collar of the jacket. "You have a ticket, you have a valet, you're good to go."
"We still have twenty-seven shows before the end of the tour, I ain't going anywhere." Deacon's rage was raising and raising with every word he spit out between gritted teeth.
"In these conditions? You couldn't even hold your goddamn Gibson and I am sorry but I cannot afford the luxury of letting 20.000 paying people down again." Rayna deadpanned, before striding towards the door.
"It won't happen again. I promise." Deacon said in an attempt to stop her.
"You promise?" Rayna spun around. "That's funny, you know? I never heard you promise me anything before." Her words dripping with sarcasm.
"This time is different, I swear. I just had too much to drink, I swear it won't happen again." He wasn't imploring her to believe him, he almost sounded convinced of what he was telling her. Committed to honor his pledge.
"Of course it won't." Rayna inhaled deeply and then puffed all the oxygen in her lungs out in one exhalation. "You know what amazes me, really?" She moved closer to his bed. "You actually think you can fool me, but what you don't understand is that you're fooling yourself and yourself only." She was standing across him now. "I am not buying your crap anymore." She whispered, her voice cracked by the tears she was so desperately trying to fight back. Cause she wanted to believe each and every word he said, God knows she did, but she knew better than that.
"Nobody asked you to. Nobody asked you to stay here. Nobody asked you to come look for me. NOBODY!" Deacons shouted, knowing that he'd gone too far.
"Damn right!" She shouted back, a tear rolling down her cheek. "Once again I'm the fool here. I care way too much about you." Rayna couldn't even look at him right now. They knew each other too well and after all those years it had become oddly easy to aim and hit the bull's eye.
"Way too much, huh? Maybe you should divert your care towards your trophy boyfriend a little bit." He fired back.
"You're so full of shit." She whispered brokenly.
"Still here?"
"No, I'm not gonna be here anymore for you Deacon. This is it." She said calmly, wanting every word to stab him right to the chest like his had done seconds before. "Oh and by the way you're fired." She added before turning to leave.
"Rayna! Rayna come back here! You can't do this! RAYNA!" She heard him yell at her. "Ah, fuck this!" The door closed behind her and her face crumpled as tears started flooding down. She walked away. Away from all the hurting and the pain, from what she realized could not be saved.
Renaissance Hotel – Tulsa, OK 06.47 AM
Rayna flicked her wrist and opened the door to her suite, she retracted the key and slowly closed the door behind her. It was pitch dark in there but she didn't want to turn the lights on and take the chance to wake Teddy up. She knew how grumpy he would get if she dared to wake him up and, truth be told, she didn't want to engage into a fight with him so early in the morning. She was all for postponing it, she already had her fair share of yelling and cussing for the day and the clock hadn't struck 7am yet. Cautiously she took her boots off and tiptoed all the way down to the living room area of the penthouse careful not to bump into furniture, walls or any possible life threatening obstacle.
"Hey" A dozy Teddy greeted Rayna coming out of the bedroom. He switched the lights on rubbing his left eye with his palm in an attempt to protect it from the sudden light.
Rayna jolted and the boots she was holding in her right hand fell to on the carpeting white floor. "Hey" She weakly smiled at him turning around. Busted, she thought to herself.
"I was worried sick last night, I waited for hours before passing out. What happened?" He demanded bringing both his hands to his hips, looking more than eager to listen to what she would have to say.
Rayna walked to the couch and flopped right on it. Teddy followed her with his eyes, his stare was making her all the more nervous. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. "Deacon overdosed." Rayna opened her eyes again and looked straight in front of her, she didn't need to look at him to know he was wearing an incredulous yet extremely pissed expression on his face. "I'm sorry, okay? What was I supposed to do?"
"You could have called me for starters." He asserted sharply.
"I know and I apologize." Rayna whispered candidly, finally finding the courage to look him in the eyes.
"You disappeared for more than fifteen hours Rayna. I learned your concert had been cancelled on the night news." Teddy hissed getting closer and closer to the couch. "You know how that feels? Being cut out of your girlfriend's life like that? Like I am nothing, like my feelings mean nothing." He snapped, hurt, worry and anger definite in his voice.
"I am sorry Teddy."
"You are not." He cried exasperated. "I must have called Bucky a hundred times and your cellphone was off and I had no idea what was going on. All I knew is you ran away from me and left me hanging for hours and hours. And for what? FOR DEACON!" He yelled at her. "AGAIN!"
"Teddy please…"
"Rayna I am your boyfriend. You should show a little more respect towards me." He said through gritted teeth.
"Respect?" A fuming Rayna bellowed. "What the hell Teddy?! Deacon could have died!" Laying her palms flat on the couch she pushed herself up. Her shoulder bumped into his chest as she moved past him and started walking towards the master bedroom taking long strides.
"But he didn't." Teddy retorted following her into the other room. "Once the emergency was over you should have called me. I came all the way here for you, to be with you. We haven't seen each other in a month, I was honestly hoping to spend some one on one time with my girlfriend."
"I should have called, you're right." She turned around, her arms opening wide signaling her frustration. "And I am deeply sorry. How many times do I have to apologize to you?" Rayna asked tiredly, trying her best to modulate her voice tone.
"Rayna I don't know what to do with your apologies anymore." His chest was heaving with exertion as he dragged his hand over his face.
"Teddy, I'm exhausted. I haven't slept in over twenty-four hours. My plane leaves in five hours and I could really really use some sleep." She cocked her head to the side and slumped her shoulders in defeat. "If you will excuse me."
Rayna caught him shaking his head with the corner of her eye when she turned her back on him. "I'm just another toy to play with until your favorite toy gets fixed, aren't I?" He asked quietly. Rayna froze and turned around, their eyes met for a brief moment before she walked over to him and cupped his face in her hand, forcing him to look her in the eyes.
"Teddy no." She whispered reassuringly.
"Rayna I love you, I really do." He brought his left hand up and graciously covered the back of her hand with his palm.
"I know you do, I love you too." Rayna gave him a little smile, while her thumb tenderly stroked his cheekbone.
"No you don't."
"I beg your pardon?" Rayna took a step back, her voice filled with indignation.
"You don't love me." He pointed at his chest. "You don't love me for who I am Rayna. You love me for who I am not, for everything I am not." Teddy looked extremely calm, resigned even.
"What are you talking about?" She didn't know if the lack of sleep and overtiredness were getting the best of her, but she was not getting what he meant.
"You love me because I am not him, I am everything he is not. That's why you love me." Rayna's breath was caught in her chest. The raw honesty the man standing in front of her was pouring into his words would have been enough to break her heart, had those words fitted the facts.
"Teddy-"
"Let me finish here." He reached for her hand and held it captive between his two hands. He took a big breath and looked her square in the eyes. "I can live with that. I can live with the 'second best' shadow following me wherever I go. I can do that and I want to do that because I love you more than you'll ever know, but I won't be your rebound. I am sorry I can't be your rebound."
"You are not my rebound." She huffed, retreating her hand. She could not believe he would say something like that, actually it was pretty hard to believe he would even think something like that. Rayna shook her head in disbelief a couple of times, walking backwards towards the bathroom.
"Rayna he needs to be out of your life if you want us to work." And then he dropped the bombshell. Rayna's eyes grew wide, her mouth fell open but it took her a little while to emit any sound.
"Are you serious?" She asked disconcerted returning his challenging gaze.
"Dead serious." Teddy uttered two simple words.
"What is that an ultimatum?" Rayna started walking back towards him. "Him or me?" Her voice growing louder with every step. "What the hell Teddy? Deacon is a friend. He overdosed and I rushed to his side. So what?" She tried her very best not to shout right to his face, once the distance between them had been closed, but it was impossible for her to contain her anger anymore.
"SO WHAT?" He shouted back at her. "Rayna whenever he needs you, you just run to him. Always. You're not his damn girlfriend anymore, you're with me. You can't do that anymore. He can't be your number one priority anymore."
"You're asking an awful lot of me after I spent half of my life with that man by my side." She countered whispering with clenched teeth. Her eyes were starting to burn for all the blinking back the tears she was doing.
"Was he really by your side? Cause as far as I know, it was you standing by his side. Has he ever been there for you Rayna? Like really there for you, like I have been there for you in the past eight months."
"YOU DO NOT KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT US!" She screamed shaking her clenched fist in the air and stomping her right feet angrily.
"Cut the crap Rayna. This is what you tell to every single soul: me, Bucky, your father, your sister, we all know nothing about the two of you. Here's what I know. I know you were picking up pieces of yourself off the floor when I met you, I know your sister had to do an intervention on you cause you were on the edge of developing an eating disorder, I know you wer-"
"STOP!" She yelled once again shutting her eyes closed before dissolving into tears. "Just stop, okay?" Rayna gulped for breath as the sobs wracked her body. That was a cheap shot. He knew how much sufferance and sorrow she had to fight through to overcome all of that.
"He was destroying you. And you would have let him."
"He was struggl-"
"HE WAS TAKING YOU DOWN WITH HIM GODDAMIT RAYNA! Don't you even try to say the opposite. Don't you even begin to try to deny it." He pointed his finger at her, a vein on the left side of his neck strikingly throbbing. "Am I asking an awful lot of you Rayna? Honestly, am I?" Teddy fixed his gaze on her, his eyes burning holes through her. Rayna sniffed a couple of times, but remained silent while attempting to get a grip of herself and regain her poise.
"I need to take a shower and I would like to get some rest after." She said with a low voice without looking up from the spot right below her feet she had been staring at for the past two minutes.
"I'm gonna go and get some breakfast." He replied taking some clothes out of the closet.
"Okay." Rayna jerked her head up, tears had dried up on their own leaving a sticky trail all over her cheeks.
"Want me to order room service for you?" He asked without looking at her while zipping his pants.
"No, I am fine. Thanks." She turned on her heels and headed for the hundredth time that morning towards the bathroom.
"Rayna?"
"Save it." She muttered earnestly, before slumming the door behind her. She leaned her back against the door and rested the back of her head on it inhaling and exhaling deeply. Squeezing her eyes closed she waited for Teddy to leave the suite and once she finally heard the front door closing up she succumbed to the burdensome need to cry again. Her knees buckled for a minute before she collapsed to the tile floor, sliding along the door. Her body was shaken by sobs and hiccups as she covered her face with both her hands, Teddy had brought back memories of old dark days and they were now dancing before her very own eyes. That familiar pain twisting in her gut like a knife.
Tulsa international Airport – Tulsa, OK 12.02 PM
"Good morning sunshine" Bucky elatedly greeted Rayna when he opened the door to her limousine to let her out.
"Hi babe." Rayna swung her feet off the seat and got out of the car, taking Buddy's extended hand for support. She leaned forward and kissed his cheek.
"How is he?" Bucky whispered in her ear stroking her arm.
"I don't know." Rayna shook her head pushing her Dior sunglasses up on her head.
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"Bucky I don't want to talk about this. Please." Rayna beseeched him, pursing her lips.
"Okay. I just wanted to know if he'll be joining us tomorrow in San Antonio."
"He will not." She replied sternly, walking around the limousine to get to the jet that was awaiting them.
"Okay. Shall I ask Steve or you want me to-?"
"Whatever Bucky." She dismissed her manager with a wave of her hand.
"Hey man." Teddy smiled at Bucky patting his back with his free hand, the other one occupied with a trolley.
"Hi." Bucky smiled back, without even looking in his direction. He trotted behind Rayna to keep up the pace her long legs were going at. "Listen about Aubrey…"
"I haven't changed my mind." Rayna cut him short stepping on the white lurching boarding ladder.
"I don't think I can find a replacement for her with such short notice." He prompted her.
"Bucky look at me." Rayna turned around at once, making the ladder totter a little. "It's either her or me on that stage tomorrow. It's up to you to decide."
"Rayna, come on now."
"Just let me know if I have the day off tomorrow in due time, I could really use some retail therapy." She smiled broadly at him and then taking a few more steps, got on the plane. "Ready to go?" She turned around and looked at Teddy who was still standing at the bottom of the stepladder.
"Ready." He nodded, shooting Bucky a confused look before boarding the jet. "Are you alright?" He asked his girlfriend with genuine worry once they were comfortable seated next to each other.
"I'm alright." Rayna answered stiffly, taking her sunglasses from her head and positioning them back on her nose. With a little luck she could have gotten a couple of hours of sleep out of that plane ride she hoped.
"If you want to call Deacon….I mean…Not that you need my permission or anything but, you know, I would…yeah I'd be fine with it. No problem." Teddy stammered, shifting uncomfortable in his seat. Rayna nodded and buckled her seatbelt. "Err…what about Aubrey? What happened with her?"
"She pushed the wrong buttons." Rayna answered drily once again.
"Oh." Teddy wasn't exactly taken off-guard by her attitude and he knew it would have probably been a while before Rayna would cool off and their fight would just blow over.
"Do you mind?" She asked holding up her earphones and brand new cd player in her hands.
"Oh no, not all." Rayna nodded her thank you and put the earphones in, before closing her eyes and hitting the play button. She isolated herself from the rest of the world, she needed time to think, she needed time to process everything that had happened and most of all she needed some quiet and peace for just a couple of hours. The first notes of one of her absolute favorite covers of one of her absolute favorite songs started playing, the corners of her mouth immediately twirled up, creating two cute dimples in her cheeks. She sank further in her seat as the familiar voice began to sing 'I'm sitting here wondering will a matchbox hold my clothes?'. Teddy turned his head around and couldn't help but notice the cute little smile on her face, little did he know she was battling her very personal addiction by taking a gulp straight from the Deacon bottle right now.
San Antonio International Airport – San Antonio, TX 4.17 PM
Flashes and paparazzi shouts welcomed the princess of country music the moment she set foot outside the sliding doors of the airport's exit. Bucky protectively wrapped an arm around her shoulder and shooed a bunch of paparazzi out of her way with his free arm.
"Rayna!"
"Rayna to your left!"
"Rayna over here!"
"What happened last night in Tulsa?" A woman holding a microphone in her hand got close to her, a camera following her closely.
"Rayna what are these personal issues you cited?" She tried again.
"Is it true you canceled the show because of Deacon Claybourne?" The journalist was not going to back down. Rayna kept looking down at her feet as she and Bucky tried to bee line towards the town car awaiting them at the end of the sidewalk.
"Mr. Conrad what do you have to say about this? Are you okay with it?" The noisy woman turned her attention to Teddy who was walking closely behind her.
"Ms. Jaymes how's Deacon doing?" A guy yelled from her left.
"Move. Out of the way people. Come on!" Bucky hollered when he noticed there were a couple of paparazzi leaning their back against their town car doors, obstructing their only way in.
"Is the San Antonio show still on? We hear you're a guitarist short Ms. Jaymes." A paparazzo laughed while obstinately snapping pictures of her.
"Get out of the way!" Bucky shouted losing his temper. He pushed one of them out of the way and opened the car's door.
"Rayna over here!" He pushed her in and then waited for her to slide over so that he could let Teddy in.
"Rayna! Rayna!" Dozens of paparazzi were frantically screaming her name.
"Jesus Christ!" Rayna dramatically exhaled once all three of them had gotten into the car.
"I'm sorry, I had no idea we would find paparazzi waiting for you. We're in San Antonio for God's sake!" Bucky exclaimed, genuinely surprised by the crowd that had welcomed them.
"It's okay." Rayna shrugged.
"I'll make sure they let us in from a secondary entrance to the hotel."
"Thanks Buck." She said ducking her head in her handbag.
"Yes thank you." Teddy echoed her distractedly as he tried to figure out what she was frantically looking for in there. A second later her hand emerged from the bag holding her cellphone. Without wasting any time Rayna turned it on and patiently waited for it to buzz announcing a new voice mail or a missed call. Nothing appeared on the tiny screen and with a sigh she slipped it back in. Her eyes met Teddy's when she turned to her right, he shook his head letting out a nervous laugh and then focused his attention back on the unfamiliar surroundings out the window. Rayna took a big breath and closed her eyes wondering how long they could have carried on like that.
Omni La Mension del Rio Hotel - San Antonio, TX 5.07 PM
"Hey so, I was thinking we should totally go out for dinner tonight, cannot pass on the chance of getting some real fat Texan food." Teddy clapped his hands together and rubbed them against each other walking into the bathroom of their new hotel suite.
"I am not very hungry and anyways I was kinda hoping to get a full night's rest." Rayna said without turning her attention away from her beauty case, looking for her eye cream.
"Rayna, come on." Teddy leaned against the door frame and poked her arm with his pointer finger in a childish manner.
"I'm sorry, I'm too tired to even think of doing anything." Rayna deemed him worthy of a look for the first time since their fight that morning and then went back to rummaging inside her pink case.
"It's only 5pm."
"I haven't slept in almost forty-eight hours Teddy, try to understand." Rayna's tone was a perfect combination of pleading and annoyed.
"Try to understand?" He nervously laughed crossing his arms over his chest. Rayna remained mum while she started taking out of the case a ridiculous number of toiletries of every kind and species, still looking for her extremely expensive eye cream. "You know what? Whatever." Rayna followed him with her eyes until she saw him disappear behind a corner and heard the slamming of the door.
7.43 PM
Rayna looked down at her phone for a while before composing the number. She needed someone to talk to, someone who knew her well, someone who would have the guts to tell her what she probably wasn't ready to hear. In a word, she needed her sister.
"Hey It's me"
"Hey sweetheart, how you doing?" A smiled crept up on her face when she heard her older sister's gleeful tone. She could tell she was happy to hear from her and the feeling was quite mutual.
"Not so well." Rayna admitted, figuring it wouldn't make much sense to beat around the bushes anyway.
"What's going on?" Tandy asked, her voice changing from glee to apprehension.
"Deacon overdosed last night."
"He wh- Oh my g- Is he alright?"
"Yeah, I mean I think so."
"What do you mean you think so?"
"I left him there." Rayna confessed holding her lower lip between her teeth.
"There?" Tandy managed to fill one word with confusion and astonishment and everything in between.
"Yeah in Tulsa. I'm in San Antonio right now." Rayna got up from the couch and started pacing around the room. "We got into this fight before I left. He doesn't want to go back to rehab and got mad at me because I told Coleman what happened and-"
"Same old, same old." Her sister cut her short, annoyance traceable in her voice regardless of the miles that were separating them.
"Tandy." Rayna admonished her, not happy about the lack of sympathy her sister was showing towards Deacon.
"Listen, I'm sorry okay? But I will not pretend I'm surprised."
"Well I am, he did so good for almost a year."
"Rayna how many times have you walked down this road?" Tandy's question sharply opened an old wound. Or maybe a couple.
"A lot." Rayna exhaled running a hand through her hair.
"Exactly." The two fell into an uncomfortable silence.
"I don't know what to do." Rayna whispered in a husky voice, tears stinging the corners of her eyes again.
"Sweetie you've already done everything you could have done." Her sister voice on the other end of the phone was full of adoration and respect for her, that much she could feel.
"Yeah, I like to say that to myself as well." She sniffed, flipping a strand of hair out of her eyes.
"It's the truth."
"I think, I mean…possibly…" Rayna cleared her throat who was drying out for the tears she was hardly pushing back now. "I don't know. I think Teddy and I might be on the rocks here."
"Oh no, why?" Tandy squeaked.
"He gave me an ultimatum: him or Deacon." Rayna stopped pacing around then and sat down onto the ottoman rolling into a ball.
"And what did you say?"
"Nothing? I don't know Tandy…I love Teddy. I do. He's the best thing that's happened to me in the last year or so. I know that. But Deacon? Deacon is the best thing that's happened in my life. Ever."
"Please Rayna, do I really have to remind you of everything that's happened in the past five years of your life? Do I? Cause I will, no problem."
"Tandy he developed an addiction, it doesn't change who he really is. It doesn't mean the man I fell in love with a decade ago is gone." She said forcing herself to believe her own words.
"Honey that's exactly what it means." Tandy deadpanned. "Listen to me, you have a good thing going on with Teddy. Don't mess up. Don't mess up." She begged her.
"Tandy…"
"It's been five years, Rayna. Wake up!" Her older sister wasn't known for snapping at people or for having a backbone for that matter, but somehow whenever Deacon was the topic of the conversation her inner mother hen would come out.
"I know he can do this. I know he can fight this." Rayna stubbornly hammered in.
"Rayna he doesn't want to. That's always been the problem. He was an addict before Vince died. He will always be. He doesn't want to get sober Rayna. Why can't you see it?" Rayna's head spun to her left when she heard the door opening.
"Teddy's back." She whispered in the phone, covering her mouth with her hand.
"Alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye." Tandy whispered back.
"Bye." Rayna clicked the call off and awkwardly slipped her cellphone in the front pocket of her hoodie.
"Hey" Teddy nodded his head towards her when he walked into the living room part of the penthouse.
"Hi." Rayna stood up awkwardly.
"I thought you were tired and wanted to catch some sleep." He quipped putting the room key on the table in the center of the room.
"Can't sleep." Rayna replied nervously brushing her flat palms on her thighs.
"You hungry?" He asked uninterestedly while he took his jacket off and threw it on the couch.
"Nope." Rayna shook her head and started to move across the room to reach the bedroom on the opposite side.
"You gotta eat something, come on." He cajoled.
"I am not hungry, thank you." Rayna countered coldly leaving the room.
"Are you mad at me or something?" Teddy walked after her. "Because, the way I see it, it should be the other way around." His hands rested on his hips, an astounded expression plastered across his face.
"Whatever you say Teddy." Rayna shrugged. She had had a long day, she didn't need this. She didn't want to argue anymore.
"Look I'm sorry for yelling at you this morning. I was just very much worried about you." His apology sounded sincere, but she wasn't gonna have it anyway.
"It's okay."
"No It's not okay, I shouldn't have yelled like that. It was rude."
"I said It's okay." Rayna repeated flatly turning around to look at him and reassure him she was not just saying.
"Rayna please, don't let him do this to us. Don't let him come between us. Don't ruin it." Rayna didn't know if he meant for the words to come off as pathetically as she heard them, but she hadn't been moved by them in the slightest.
"Ruin what?" She spat as she spun around to face him.
"What we have."
"And what do we have exactly Teddy?" Rayna inquired, her left hand angrily gripping her left hip.
"What kind of question is that?" He screeched in an apparent state of confusion.
"I've been with you for months. I pushed Deacon away. I tried everything to prove to you you're the only man in my life, that you're the one I chose. But nothing is ever enough. Even a barely alive Deacon feels like a threat to you. You don't trust me, you don't believe what I say, that pretty much says we have no solid ground here."
"Are you breaking up with me?" Teddy's jaw dropped before he even got an answer.
"Deacon is and will always be part of my life. Nothing is ever going to change that. Not you, not my father, not his addiction, no anything. Can you live with that or not?" She finally let the burden she had carried on her chest for the past eight months go. She wanted to be honest with him, she felt like she owed it to him and to herself too. It was the plain truth and there was no use in denying it.
"Just tell me one thing: do you still love him?" He asked raising a hand to his hip, his head hanging to the side to look her straight in the eyes.
"Teddy you are not my rebound. You are not second best. That's all you need to know." Rayna couldn't have been more sincere than that, she honestly meant each and every word she had just said.
"That was neither a yes or a no."
"That is all I had to say." They both stood there in silent for a minute before Teddy turned on his heels and left the room. Rayna shook her head, if he couldn't live with that then it was his choice. Not hers. Lately nothing had been her choice, she couldn't help but notice.
8.56 PM
"And that was Rayna Jaymes' newest single 'It's my life', everybody. How do you like it Roger?" The radio boomed in the bedroom once she got out of the bathroom, still wrapped into a soft white hotel robe. Rayna hoped a warm bubbly bath would have helped her relax, but even that had failed.
"Oh I love this song and I love this woman. So stoked to meet her tomorrow." Rayna couldn't help the smile that appeared on her face as she crossed the room to reach her suitcases that were still in the corner of the room, all packed.
"Oh yes, y'all better tune in tomorrow morning cause Rayna Jaymes will be here with us, live on KKYX with Jerry King."
"Yeah baby!" She heard the male host hooraying through the speakers.
"We'll hear all about her new album, her tour and hopefully we'll have the Princess of country music herself clearing up some rumors." Teddy walked into the room then, a tall glass of red wine in his hand. Rayna looked up from the suitcase she had just unzipped, but he didn't bother to acknowledge her.
"Oh I see where you're going with this, Tess." The country singer rolled her eyes ready for whatever nonsense those two radio hosts were going to come up with.
"Yes, words get 'round fast and we all want to know what happened to her last night in Tulsa and why she cancelled her show due to personal issues. Could those personal issues have anything to do with a certain Deacon Claybourne and his admission to an hospital earlier in the day for what looked like an OD case?" She halted, holding a set of matching underwear in her hands.
"Dang woman, you know a thing or two about gossip, don't ya?"
"Hey I love those two together, what can I say? Their co-written hits are among my favorite tunes. I'm an helpless romantic." Teddy growled something incomprehensible inside his glass.
"Well, I heard she was spotted here today with her new boyfriend, sorry darling. I don't think there'll be any new love song coming from those two former lovebirds in the near future." The male host said letting out a laugh.
"Are you talking about the same Rayna Jaymes and Deacon Claybourne I know? Oh please! They're the June and Johnny of this generation. I'll tell you what, I wouldn't want to be in that new kid's shoes, cause I've seen them performing together many times and trust me those two together could set the whole world on fire." Rayna froze, the undergarments she was holding in her hands falling right back into the suitcase. She turned around and looked at Teddy. He was staring at his almost empty glass, jaw clenched and lip pressed in a thin line.
"Uuuh touché Tess, touché."
"I am just saying man, I am just saying." A rumble of laughs came through the speakers, Rayna awkwardly turned around and picked up again the items she had dropped.
"Well speaking of fire and country music's golden couples, here's a classic for y'all straight from 1967, this is 'Jackson'." The female host announced with delight. No music followed though. Rayna tilted her head to the left and noticed the radio had been shut.
"Heeey! I like that song." She protested still giving her boyfriend her back. When she got no answer in return she threw him a look over her shoulder and noticed he was putting his shoes on. "wha-what are you doing?" She asked slightly confused.
"I'm leaving." He said matter-of-factly.
"Leaving? Are you kid-"
"Rayna don't." He raised his hand up flat to stop her. "I can't do this right now, okay?"
"You're leaving?" She gasped in bedazzlement.
"I need some time alone. Away from you, away from Deacon Claybourne, away from this media circus, away from everything."
"You got upset because of what they said on that stupid radio show? Come on Teddy." Rayna could not believe her ears, she knew the media had never gone easy on her new boyfriend but his reaction was way out of proportion.
"I cannot do this right now." He shook his head gatherings his things in his arms and throwing them in the trolley at the foot of the bed.
"Teddy can we just talk for a minute? I don't want you to leave." Rayna said hastily when she realized he had made up his mind and was really going to take the door and leave.
"Just this once Rayna, just this once, let me call the shots here. Just this once." He gently pushed her away when she approached him.
"Fine. You wanna leave? Leave." Rayna huffed crossing her arms over chest
"Thank you."
"It's not gonna solve anything you know that. This is my life Teddy. You knew what you were getting into when we first started dating. You knew it darn well." The accusatory tone in her voice giving away her disappointment.
"I did. I just didn't know it would be this hard." He sighed scratching the back of his head in frustration.
"This hard? What do you mean this hard?" The more they were talking about it, the less it was making any sense to her.
"This is my life too Rayna, don't you get it? You and Deacon are not the only ones entitled to get hurt here. I can get hurt too. And right now, right this moment Rayna, I'm hurting. This whole situation hurts. Quite bad frankly." His words literally pierced through her, she looked down at a loss of words. " So excuse me, but I'm going back to Nashville." He closed his luggage and lifted it up by its handle.
"Teddy I'm sorry. You know I am." She muttered avoiding his gaze, if he was trying to lay a guilt trip on her, it was working.
"Listen" He took her chin between his thumb and pointer finger and lifted it up a little. Rayna's teary eyes matched his. "I love you. I-I just…I just need some time to myself, okay?"
"Teddy…." Rayna tried again, her hand instinctively wrapping around his wrist.
"I'll call you later." He leaned in and kissed her forehead, his lips barely touching her skin.
"I love you too." Rayna whispered before engulfing him in her arms. Teddy wrapped one arm around her tiny waist and gently brushed his hand up and down her side. If they asked her how long they stayed like that, wrapped into one another, Rayna would have probably answered an eternity, cause that's how those few moments felt to her. As much as she didn't want to admit it to herself, it felt more like a last goodbye than anything. She held on tight to him a little longer and then let him go. She couldn't have said when things had changed from good to gone, but it was probably a little too late to ask herself that question now.
11.12 PM
Rayna's fingers delicately brushed across the black and white keys of the piano in front of her, waiting for it to compose a melody that would take away that pain. She had tossed and turned in bed for an hour before deciding to get up and put that restlessness to good use. Wrapping herself in the loneliness and quiet of the living room, she had approached the piano standing in its further corner and found shelter. Her right bare foot rhythmically stomped on the center pedal, closely listening to the reverberating sound produced by the shifting strings on the inside. She smiled to herself when the notes played in progression gave life to a beautiful captivating melody. She pressed those seven keys in sequence a couple times more and then stood up, a big smile adorning her face as she started looking around the room for a piece of paper and a pen. She found a little notepad with even a smaller pen next to it with the hotel initials imprinted, next to the telephone in the hall of the suite. She grabbed them and hurriedly walked back to the piano.
Slipping back onto the piano bench she set the notepad and pen on top of it, her hands hesitated for a moment before finding their rightful place on it. She could not remember the last time she had written all by herself or the last time she had played a piano either. The new album, her breakup with Deacon, her new relationship, the tour, all the craziness her life had been cluttered up with for the past year had somehow made her cut ties with the muses. She drew in a breath and then pressed those few keys again with the pads of her fingertips, that pretty melody already carved in her memory.
Detaching her attention from the keys she took the notepad in her left hand and the pen with her right, using her mouth she uncapped it and then draw a set of five horizontal lines down on it and repeated the same motion until the page was filled with staffs. Rayna stared down at the notepad page, still holding the pen's cap between her lips, and then started filling those lines and spaces with notes. She could feel a great song coming along already as different ideas shaped in her head. Rayna could not believe she had gone so long without writing, she felt a sense of peace scattering from her core to her edges. The past 24 hours had been intense to put it mildly and to finally feel her muscles and nerves relax a little bit, was a real treat. She had forgotten how good that creative process felt and surprisingly so, considering it was hers and Deacon's post sex favorite pastime. She giggled to herself whilst memories of good ol' times started running through her mind. Her heart skipped a beat when too recent memories rushed back to her. The ambulance's ride, the hospital, the kiss, the fight.
She blew out a shaky breath and the pen's cap dropped to her lap. A sob shook her body as tears began cascading down her eyes. She had tried and tried with him, she had probably tried everything, Tandy was right. Yet it felt like it wasn't enough. Rayna desperately wanted for him to go back to being the man she knew, the man she wanted, the man she loved. But if she was being honest with herself, with time she had learned to love that new Deacon as well, with all his flaws, in all his weakness.
Turning the page of her notepad, she watched as the black ink formed the words 'This is the window to my heart' on the blank yellowish paper. 'I just want you to be free' a tear wetted the page, 'There ain't no freedom where we are' she continued scribbling down. 'Ain't no wishes in these stars', her tremulous breathing following through the scraping of the pen against the paper. 'Ain't no reason to believe' Rayna stopped and looked at the five lines she had just written and exhaled deeply, before dropping both the pen and the notepad next to her on the bench.
Her fingers reached for the keyboard again and she started moving them along it, pressing down and pulling up black and white keys together. She played that twenty seconds long melody again and again until she was sure it was exactly what she was looking for and transferred it on her self-made music sheet. That mellow sound was going perfectly along with her memories, their memories. All of them, the good ones and the bad ones. Even the ugly ones, that she had found herself collecting more and more as months went by. She believed in them and she believed in him, but she had lost faith in herself. She didn't have any strength left to fight against him and his demons by herself, she needed him to understand he had to stand up to them too. And maybe the only way to do that was to take a step back, to let him hold the reins all by himself. They had never tried that in the past, they had never tried to deduct the Rayna factor to that equation. Maybe if he thought he had lost her forever he would turn around, maybe he would finally see things clear.
"Maybe" Rayna mumbled looking out of the window. There had better be a different ending for them, they deserved it. Whether she was simply deceiving herself or just dreaming with eyes wide open, didn't matter right now to her. She needed to hold that hope close to her heart, it probably wasn't right, but it felt okay and at the moment, okay was more than enough.
She dried her eyes with the back of her hand and went back to writing some more lyrics for that beautiful tune. 'But don't worry baby, Don't you worry' She softly smiled. 'Maybe this is what we need' Rayna's eyes followedthe movements the pen she was holding between her index and middle finger closely. 'A little bruising, a little bleeding' she was slowly reaching the end of that small page. 'Some space that we can breathe in' She inhaled and exhaled deeply a couple of times, her mind swimming against a flood of good times and bad times, of laughter and tears, looking for the right words to end that first verse with. The image of them standing silent in that hospital room that morning tickled the back of her mind. 'Some silence in between', she wrote down at last.
Her eyes darted across those few lyrics once again before she positioned the notepad in front of her on the piano and let her fingers dance across the keyboard. This time her voice joined the music coming out of the piano creating a bewitching harmony. She began to sing and all the tension she had accumulated in her muscles and nerves during that day disappeared. Rayna played the last notes of what was about to become one of her favorite songs of hers and decided to shut that window to her heart closed. It had rained enough inside through it for one day.
TBC