Monster chapter— fifteen pages of large-ness on Word.
Just saying.
*stares blankly at this gigantic-by-her-standards chapter*
Ahem. Shall we commence? Yes, I think we shall.
…
*deep breath, knocks on wood with the fury of a furious woodpecker*
Come what may, and may that which comes be dealt with in a manner of utmost courage and chivalry!
Chapter II
.
Checkered
.
A few minutes passed in silence as pigeonattack graciously allowed everyone to catch their breath before the session officially started.
"Otto Malpense, you get your head out of that app." Shelby reached over, tapped the screen and home button of Otto's tablet a few times, and set it to the proper screen.
Otto frowned. "Hey. I'd almost gotten the candy to the little green monster."
"I assume he is trying to delay and distract himself from the work at hand," Tom said, smirking.
"Don't blame you," pidge nodded, though there was little sympathy in her voice.
Laura leaned forward. "Shall we start?"
"Yea," Nigel said. "This will be very interesting."
Otto shot them both dirty looks, then stood and proclaimed loudly, "I have to facilitate the facilities."
"No, you don't." Penny crossed her arms, an evil grin on her face. "You used it fifteen minutes ago, when pidge was outside."
Ah, thought pidge. How nice it was that everyone was so supportive of her… though of course, once they got a taste of what was to come, this good-natured-ness was unlikely to last long. "Otto, you ain't goin' nowhere. Relax, dear, tension will only make it worse. You should be grateful for the fact that you are going first."
"I should be grateful for being the sacrificial starter?"
"No. You should be grateful that once this is over, you get to sit around and laugh yourself to tears at everyone else's suffering without having a nasty raincloud of foreboding over your head. Though I don't understand why you have any reason to be worried in the first place. It's an honor to have such wonderful fans and wonderful mail."
"I don't feel any better."
"Not my problem. So. Who wants to read the first piece?"
Four hands shot up- Penny, Franz, and two of Shelby's.
"Aw, Shel, that's cheating," Penny complained as pigeonattack leaned back in her chair and pointed a pencil in Shelby's direction.
Shelby stuck out her tongue. "Ahem. This one's from Writey Starkid. Hey pidge, who are these people?"
"Various streamers."
"They're HIVE students?"
"Uh-huh." Pidge waved her pencil. "Carry on, please."
"Hm. Okay.
Ooooh, this looks fun :D Oh, I know that grin-like-a-lunatic phase all too well.
I shall ask Otto...if he's ever considered using black hair dye to make himself look like a skunk. Or a zebra. Or a snow leopard.
-RL"
Shelby beamed so brightly it could have blinded the sun. "Awesome…"
"No." Otto immediately deadpanned. "No, no, and no."
"That is a lie."
"YOU TELL HIM, WING!"
"Please keep your voice down, Shelby. We are indoors."
"Skunk? Zebra? Snow leopard?" Otto paused. "Okay, maybe the snow leopard, but where the heck would I get black hair dye in a place like HIVE?"
Nigel shrugged. "You guys come up with the weirdest things in the lab. Hair dye's not that difficult to synthesize."
Penny and Laura were both staring at Otto, as if imagining exotic patterns on his hair.
"Not a good look," Penny muttered.
"Can I be reading next?" Franz asked excitedly.
"Hey!" Penny protested.
Pigeonattack waved her hand. Her pencil had taken up residence on the coffee table.
Franz cheered. "Danke! This one's from Fidelity.
So...Otto's first huh? :D
Hmmm...what to do?...well, for one, I have a question for you, and Otto~
If you had only 24 hours left to live, what would you do? (except plan for ways not to die of course)
"24 hours?" Otto asked, relief at the innocence of the question evident in his voice. "Um… Wow, that's a good question! Hm…"
"Oh, come on, Otto." Shelby flopped back, staring straight at the ceiling. "We all know exactly what you'd do…"
"Right, of course, I'd first finish the blueprints for the mega-efficient fusion core for the benefit of future generations…"
"Um, I don't think so," Shelby sang. "If it's your last day on Earth, you'd wanna do everything you'd never do if you had your future to consider..."
"…and then I'd probably act upon the impulses I have been suppressing since I first came to HIVE."
"HMM?" Laura, Penny, Shelby, Franz, and pigeonattack all sat up straighter. Oh, yesss…
"I'd blow up the grappler cavern and watch all the platforms go snap-snap-snap one by one and crash to the water below!"
"Oh." Five disappointed looking faces accompanied five sagging spines.
"You lie," Shelby said flatly. "Pidge, shall we procure the truth serum?"
"Veritaserum? Nah, not yet. I have a limited amount. We'll find plenty of opportunities to use it later. Don't you worry."
"Okee."
"I'm next!" announced Penny, shaking off her stupor of disappointment. "From Aranel Azamai. What a pretty name!
Ahhhhh! Fanmail to the fab four! There's a ton of this for Harry Potter, but I haven't seen any for H.I.V.E. Are we just allowed to ask them questions? Are they allowed to be pointless questions? Because I think that's all I can come up with.
Hmm... Otto...
How about...
Otto, do you prefer Harry Potter or Twilight? Which is your favorite character in your favorite, and why? Others might think this is pointless, but maybe it matters to me!- Aranel"
"Far from pointless," Otto immediately declared. "Harry Potter. Duh."
Choruses of "Yeah," and "Hear, hear!" echoed around the room from everyone but Franz.
"Can I go next?" asked Laura.
Pidge nodded. "Hm-hm."
"This one's from Vordax0110.
Awesome! so I guess I'll have a go.:D
Which do you prefer Naruto or Yu-gi-oh?~Vordax."
"Um…" Otto scratched his head. "Those names ring a bell…"
"We sometimes watched those at the orphanage when we were little," Tom remembered. "Well, by 'we' I mean the others… I mean, I watched Naruto every now and then, but you were never really into TV…"
"Colonel Francisco calls TV the 'Idiot Box'," Franz noted.
Shelby snorted. "Take it from the guy with a giant stash of Friends under his desk."
"Hey, hey, stop butting in! This is my moment of glory," Otto suddenly exclaimed.
That was unexpected.
It seemed Otto was getting rather confident (/pleased about the attention) with answering fanmail. It was understandable. His mail had all been rather innocent. So far.
"So." Otto sat up straighter. "I like the art in Naruto. I've never watched either show, but from what I saw of Naruto's art, it was pretty good."
"Hm-hm," pigeonattack nodded. "Next!"
Wing sat forward. "I will take this one." Glancing at the contents, he smiled. "From Schnizel.
Heheh! Great idea! :D Erm... Question for Otto: Do you believe in the supernatural and if you do can you prove that its real? :D"
Wing pronounced the :D emoticon as 'semicolon-capital-D'.
Shelby sighed in exasperation. "Wing, dear, do you or do you not understand the concept of emoticons?"
"I understand that they are one of the factors of butchery of the English language."
"Hey!" pigeonattack frowned. "I personally like emoticons. They add color. Granted, skillful word usage does the same, but emoticons are fun! They're nowhere as bad as—"
Otto mercifully cut off her tirade before everyone could get an earful of Pigeon Philosophy. "No, I do not believe in the supernatural. Sorry. Laura would agree. Our universe is based on rationally and mathematically proven principles. Sound knowledge and reasoning." He turned to the redhead. "Right?"
Laura nodded. "Yup."
Penny pouted. "Fairies are fun."
"In your mind, aye, but don't tell me you actually believe in them…"
"Maybe I do." Penny lifted her chin proudly.
"That's so…"
"Sheesh, Laura," Franz muttered in wonder, as Penny and Laura argued over the existence of fairies and Otto watched bemusedly. "When did you get so irritable?"
"She's only prickly and irascible around her," Shelby whispered loudly.
Franz paused. Then he smiled a smile that would have frightened Cupid out of his diaper. "Ja."
"Uh-huh…" Shelby laughed lightly, throwing her head back. Ah, the joy of watching such things unfold, egging on various components of the grand soap drama.
"Nigel's turn!" pidge interrupted the increasingly intensifying verbal battle.
Nigel nervously scrolled to the next message. "Um, okay." He paused, looking slightly alarmed. He eyes clearly screamed, Good heavens, why am I stuck with this one? Pigeonattack pitied him… but not enough to intervene.
"This one's from Diamond Ninja…
Dear Otto,
Seriously. You made me SOOO mad. I hate when guys do stuff like that. You could've just confessed your feelings for Shelby back in book, like, one, and now you're stuck in the "Jessie's Girl" zone. Should've spoken up when you had the chance.
Kinda sorry for you, but still really irritated,
Kuno!
"What the WHAT?"
"Say WHAT?"
Identical looks of incredulity were frozen on Otto and Shelby's faces as pigeonattack doubled over, shaking with fits of… something… Penny snickered loudly, though looking none-too-pleased. Laura stared at her best friend with a heart wrenching expression of betrayal.
Pigeonattack composed herself. "Reread it if you want, Nigel."
"No, thanks." Nigel appeared to be attempting to put as much distance between himself and the mayhem that was on the verge of breaking out. He had made it to the balcony door.
"Listen here, Diamond Ninja, you've got this all wrong," Shelby said breathlessly, shooting Laura a worried glance. "If I had to pick one boy in this room, it would most certainly NOT be the albino-freak."
"HEY!"
"So, Otto, you do like Shelby!~" pigeonattack drew a happy-tilde in the air.
"No, dammit, no!" Otto seemed absolutely horrified at the thought. "Actually, I…"
Laura, Penny, Tom, and Franz all straightened in their seats.
"You…" prompted Tom, beaming kindly.
"You look like a psychiatrist, Tom."
"Thank you, Penny."
"…am a bachelor forever. I don't need love…"
"LIES!" Tom, Franz, and pigeonattack exclaimed in unison (Shelby would have joined the chorus, but she was too busy glaring rusty daggers at the tablet).
"Shall we get the Veritaserum?" Tom asked pidge, smiling cordially.
She sighed. "Unfortunately, I am only authorized to use it when it directly relates to the question. And we all know Otto really likes—"
"Well, guess what?" Otto shouted. "I'll be single forever! No romance for me!"
"LIES!"
"Moooving on…" Laura said loudly.
Tom sighed. "You poor, oblivious souls… Very well. I shall read next." He coughed. "This next piece is from I'mTheGirlWhoLearnedToFly." And then he paused. "Wow. This is long."
"Get on with it, good sir." Pigeonattack smiled. "I think you'll really enjoy this one. And Shelby. And Franz."
"Ooh, I am liking the sound of this," gushed Franz.
Shelby leaned forwards with her elbows on her knees and hands clasped, gazing intently in the reader's direction and motioning for Wing to do the same.
Wing refrained.
"Upper East Side, Manhattan...that address rings a bell...IT'S WHERE PERCY JACKSON LIVES! Now if only the studio number was '394'... ;)"
Tom paused. "Who's Percy Jackson?"
Shelby and pidge gasped in unison. Tom eyed them warily, but continued.
"To: O. Malpense
From: Fly ()
Dear (albino/clone/genius/Artemis Fowl II Part 2/organic supercomputer/Laura's boyfriend, I guess/Alpha/sort of leader of the fab four) Otto,
This is something that's been on my mind ever since I found out you gave the little girls whom you lived with at the orphanage a TV. This question nagged even more when it became clear that you and Penny were quite close when you were younger.
DON'T try to deny the fact that you've watched some of them. EVERY little girl watches them. And if they were played on the telly you gave them 24/7, there's no way you didn't end up watching a bit out of the corner of your eye.
You've guessed what I'm talking about, haven't you? You should have.
Barbie movies.
Yeah, you heard (or read, I guess...?) correctly. Out of all the things there are to ask, I ask about Barbie movies.
Plus, little Penny would have dragged you to watch them with her. I have a little cousin, and I have firsthand experience on how little girls can make you sit in front of the TV and watch those annoying, sickly sweet Barbie movies. There's a boy in my class who knows even the LYRICS to the songs in Diamond Castle, because he has a little sister.
So I want you to tell me: Which was the best out of all those movies and why? And no saying "I never watched them" because there's no way that's true, and no saying "All of them were equally bad and my favourite was the shortest one" or whatever.
Answer properly. I don't know where you live, but pidge has you hostage. Remember that.
~Fly~"
Laura's mouth was opening and closing in the relative mannerism of a goldfish. Penny was smiling to herself in reverie. Shelby had excused herself sometime after "Barbie movies", and now stood on the balcony epileptically doubling over. Tom was silently rereading to make sure he'd gotten it right, Franz looked dreamy, and Nigel had excused himself to use the restroom (sometime after "Barbie movies"). Wing seemed to have tuned them all out.
Throughout the reading, Otto's face had gone from confused to scandalized to nervous to proud to affrontment to a culmination of resignation. "Um, first I'd like to say…"
"Laura's b-boyfriend?" Laura managed to sputter. "What kind of—"
"Yes, we were rather close," Penny reminisced. "I remember I used to haul him into the playroom to watch "Swan Lake" and "The Nutcracker" around Christmastime ["Yes, I like those," pidge mused], and sometimes when I was cold, we'd go upstairs and drag down a blanket, and…" She trailed off. "It was nice."
"Excuse me," said Laura heatedly, leaping up and breezing by Shelby, who'd just come in through the doorway.
"Oy, what'd I miss?"
"I haven't even gotten to say what I wanted to say," Otto said annoyedly, "which was that, yes, I've watched Barbie movies, but none of them struck me as particularly enlightening, with the possible exception of the Three Musketeers. I had no idea kittens could wield swords."
"Hm-hm." Shelby took her seat. "And I expect that after watching that one, you immediately decided to attempt to train a private feline army for your very own."
"No."
Shelby shrugged. "It'd be worth a try, at least. What's up with Laura? Oh, was it the boyfriend thing?"
Several voices gave the affirmative. At the reminder of the way he'd been addressed, Otto gave a start. "Oh, yeah, and just to remind you, I'm nobody's boyfriend."
Pidge muttered "Odysseus" at the same time Shelby coughed "Annabethalreadyhasaboyfriend,dummy". The two girls gazed at each other in mutual respect.
"These people…" Shelby pointed at the tablet "…rock."
Pigeonattack nodded. "They sure do."
"Who's Artemis Fowl II?" asked Franz. "I think I recognize the name… Father may have mentioned him…"
Shelby gasped for the millionth time that day, staring around at the inhabitants of the room. "Is NOBODY here cultured?"
"It depends upon your definition of 'cultured', Shelby," Wing replied.
"Y'all don't know Percy, y'all don't know Artemis Fowl…"
"Hush," pidge soothed. "All in good time. There's just a few more to get through. Who's up?"
"I believe everyone has read." Tom nodded. "Yes, we've come full circle."
"I'll go!" Penny volunteered eagerly. "From Firebird..."
"Who, what's with all these Russian ballet references lately?"
"Quiet, Otto.
Otto,
You are awesome! (so is Shelby) Back to my question... What do you think of Raven? Are you scared of her? Annoyed with her? Thankful for her? etc. I just want your opinion. I hope you aren't mad at me for asking. Firebird.
Shelby hugged her tablet in an attempt to send the anon inquirer a hug. "You too, friend."
Otto pondered this. "Well, she's Russian…"
"Yes, we know." Laura seemed to have recovered and reentered the room.
"Oh, hi, Laura!" Otto waved cheerily. "Um… where was I? Oh, yes, Raven is Russian and Russians are not very pleasant ['You kidding?" pidge interjected. "Russians are awesome."], from my experiences, but she can be really cool. I mean, she's saved our lives countless times, so, yes, you could say I'm rather thankful for that. She can be VERY annoying—"
He froze.
"Um, she's not hearing this, is she?"
"Never you worry," said pigeonattack. "Everything that happens in this room is STRICTLY confidential."
Shelby sneezed.
Otto continue, looking rather relieved. "Oh, good. Yes, Raven always seems to drop in when you don't want her too… isn't that right, Wing?" He smiled softly at the memory. "Don't you remember that one time Raven woke you up? You were having such a pleasant dream, too…"
Wing frowned. "How do you know about this?"
Otto resisted the urge to dance around gleefully. "Yes! Yes, you remember!"
Shelby sat up. "You better have that on camera, Malpense."
"You were there?"
"Of course I was there, Wing, Raven needed my help in passing on the message."
"I do not understand, nor do I want to."
"Otto. I want that video."
"Sure, sure, Shelby…" But that was a story for another day. "Yeah, so Raven's generally cool. And no, Firebird, I'm not mad at you for asking. Why would I be? That's a perfectly innocent question. Thank you for that."
"Next!" Pigeonattack announced. "I'll read this one myself. This is from Law of Universal Gravitation."
"Oh, excellent." Otto rubbed his hands together. "Finally some intelligent conversation."
Pidge smirked.
"Otto. I am not here to talk about physics. Sorry.
I suppose my name is often rather deceptive.
Do you sing? Of course you sing. I'm sure you've got iTunes loaded in that brain of yours, so it'd be inexcusable for you not to be able to sing.
Hah-hah. You'd make a cool boombox.
...
Maybe.
Here's the question: which one of your acquaintances would you most like to sing to, and what song?
Chillax; it don't have to be no love song. Just a song. Any song.
"
The previous looks of disappointment on the majority's faces had immediately riveted.
"I…am not a boombox."
"Oh?"
"Yes, that's right, Shelby, it may strike you as odd, but I am not a music playing appliance."
"Answer the question, please," Tom implored, looking very interested.
"First of all, I do not sing."
"Yes, you do," Wing said simply, reaching out a hand to stop pigeonattack from subtly procuring a rather unknowable-looking bottle.
"I do not."
"Yes, you do. In the shower."
"Well, so do you!"
"You are admitting it!" Franz exclaimed gleefully.
"Ooh, Otto, pray tell what Wing sings in the shower!"
"Well, Shelby, he mostly sings about this particular—"
"I sing in the shower," Tom commented. "It's fun. I feel like there's no one's watching, no one's listening—"
"—but we all do," Penny said. "'Specially back at the orphanage..."
"—and afterwards I feel refreshed and then I walk out of the showers and there's always a posse of girls standing around with their ears to the door, for some reason…"
"So, Otto," interrupted Laura. "What would you sing, and who'd you sing to?"
Otto bit lip. "I like… Green Day."
"FTW Americano!"
"Yes, Shelby, they're American."
"What's 'F-T-W'?"
"I'll explain later, dearest Wing."
"Both of you, let me answer the darn question!" Otto huffed. "So, anyways, like I was saying, I like Green Day. 'American Idiot' is a pretty cool song—"
"Nah, 'Last of the American Girls' is cooler—"
"—and I'd sing it in Shelby's face."
"You bloody little snot."
"Meh."
"Was Otto just saying 'meh'?"
"Mehhh…" Tom laughed. "You sound like an alpaca!"
"With the right accent and inflection, 'meh' means 'sesame seeds' in Vietnamese. Although it's not spelled m-e-h." All eyes riveted to pigeonattack, who shrugged and grinned like a cucumber with quirky shoulders. "Moving on! Second to last question." Otto smiled in quasi-relief.
Tom's hand shot up into the air.
"Hear ye, we have a volunteer!"
"Thank you, fair maid."
"…mental image… too many frills…"
"Maiden. Lady. Whatever." Tom cleared his throat as pigeonattack tapped her head firmly, attempting to dislodge the maid-outfit mental conception. "From :
Dear Otto,
There are many questions I would like to ask but I think this one is the most important. How do you get into H.I.V.E? It sounds like such an interesting place. You tried to escape there, I would hate (actually love) to think of what you would do to most public schools. Everyone at H.I.V.E. is of considerable intelligence. Even henchman stream. Most people around me are full, complete and utter idiots. I also would like to thank you for being an inspiration to villainous children everywhere.
Sincerely,
Invader Tor."
"Yes!" Otto exclaimed delightedly. "I am an INSPIRATION! Thank you, Invader Tor!"
"Yes, yes," Laura said. "We all know how very inspiring you are, but for entirely the wrong reasons…"
Otto cut her off. "Ah, public schools… the things I would have done had I remained there, rather than going off on my special regimen…"
There was a silence as everyone pondered the public school scenario, which many of them had been through and, through their individual handlings, had more or less enjoyed.
"As for how I got into HIVE…"
"Isn't that what Book One's all about?"
Everyone turned to their host, who was frowning as if trying to dredge up a distant memory.
"Huh? 'Book One'?" Tom asked.
Pigeonattack waved her hand (been doing that a lot, lately) in a nah-don't-worry-about-it manner. "Nah, don't worry about it."
Otto cleared his throat. "Anyways, that information is classified…"
Pidge sneezed.
"…but I can tell you that it involved a robot spider, the orphanages-across-Britain-are-being-shut-down situation, the PM, and a rather shocked audience, which happened to include HIVE."
"That sounds like the stuff of fiction," Nigel said softly, slightly in awe.
Pigeonattack sneezed again.
"Dang, what's with all that sneezing?" Shelby looked concerned.
"Never mind that. Final question for Mister Otto Malpense! Would Shelby like to read?"
The addressee of the offer took once glance at the final message on her screen before cackling gleefully. "Oh, this one is so mine."
"Aye, Ma'am, take it away.~"
"Thanks, pidge!~"
Nigel cringed. Oh, for the love of pancakes, would those two please stop with the happy tildes. He could practically see them floating around their speakers like odd, out-of-place clouds of squiggly lines. He wearily rubbed his glasses.
"Malpense, my friend, your final piece of fanmail is from a delightful soul by the name of ArtisticNeko, whose salutations consist of a
Request for Otto:
Play the Pocky game!
[preferablywithascottiejustcuz]
Luvya!"
"Good grief," Wing and Tom facepalmed and sighed at the same time, causing them to look at each other in mutual surprise and empathy for the albino.
"Someone's been an otaku…" Pigeonattack furrowed her eyebrows. "But that's cool."
Shelby had sprung up from her seat and rushed/danced over to Laura, whispering something in her ear that made her go rather red.
Otto looked confused, and slightly terrified. "What's the pocky game? Why with a 'scottie'?"
Laura looked like she wanted to sink right through the armchair and the floor (and, therefore, into the apartment below, which may or may not have pleased the tenant, who at the moment was cooking a lovely stew directly below the scottie).
Penny frowned. "Pocky game, pocky game… I think I've heard that somewhere…"
"It's an anime/manga trope of sorts," pidge explained unhelpfully.
"Indeed…" Wing murmured. "I came upon it several times, growing up in Japan."
Tom nodded sagely. "It's a pretty cool game. Hard to get people to do it, though, unless they're already…"
"How about we save it for Laura's turn?" pigeonattack suggested. "That way…" She trailed off, deep in thought.
Tom's eyes gleamed. They could have been mistaken for gemstones of a very dark, very evil nature.
Like… black diamonds!
Tom liked black diamonds very much.
"I agree…" he mused. "I think it will work out better. We've spent enough time on Otto."
"Who's next, then?" Laura looked a little fearful. Everyone did, at varying degrees.
"Not me, not me, please let it not be me, I am needing to be mentally preparing myself for my hour of limelight…" Franz murmured it like a mantra.
Pigeonattack nodded. "Sounds like a plan, Franz. Our next batch of fanmail will be for the one who seems most eager…and rightfully so!~"
And she looked meaningfully over at Tom, whose excited expression froze. Like ice. Which, as it happens can crack.
The ice, that is.
"You, my awesome, awesome friend, are— Hey, no need to look so freaked out. Seriously! This will be fun."
Insert :D emoticon. And another happy-tilde.
To be continued...