a/n: So sorry it's so short. I'm tired and let's just say Puck was feeling very tired too that day.

Puck's Diary - ENTRY TWO - "I hurt her"


I feel so bad, I actually listened to Mercedes. Why would I even do that? I should be following my own decisions...not anyone else's. Urgh, but her words got to me. I needed to do what was write for Quinn. I needed to back off. But I think I just made it worse. She looked truly upset and maybe she actually does care about me. I figured it was a lost cause after all the times I had tried to tell her we were meant for each other and she just split on me. Seeing her walking away from me day after day with Finn on her arm just makes my brain want to explode. Half of what I told her yesterday was true. My physical side did need taming...but I definitely could do all that on my own...I just said all that to push her away. But how stupid that decision was. Now she won't even talk to me. I'd rather have her talk to me than be angry at me and just disappear.

All those texts to Santana I didn't have fun writing them. The whole time I was texting I was thinking of Quinn...and how good she looked when we got together. Quinn is the only person I think of on a daily basis. Why would I want someone like Santana who gets her rocks off on hurting peoples' relationships. I may be an asshole sometimes but that was just plain wrong. There was a line and I won't cross it...except I did sort of hurt a potential relationship with Quinn, but it's not the same thing. I wasn't happy doing it. Everything I said just made me wish that she would slap my face. I wanted to slap my own face.

And after that great moment we had babysitting those little kids who at first were a pain but were obviously soothed by our awesome musical talents...I had a feeling at that moment that we could possibly be good parents. But then I remembered what Mercedes said...and I knew that Quinn had sworn to me that she would choose Finn. I didn't want to get in the way if she was actually in love with Finn. I'm not sure I believed she was...but in any case...it would be wrong of me to steal her wouldn't it?

Urgh, but now I'm not even sure of that anymore. I still somewhat believe in letting her go if she wants to let go...but I also know that I could've done that without being such a jackass. I could've straight up told her, "Hey guess what you should choose Finn cause' he's obviously the one you went to right after you found out. Just choose him." But I didn't do that. I had to go back and mess everything up. Man I can be such an idiot sometimes.

I don't want to rant for too long because I'm sure if I do I'll probably go crazy. I know even if I'm not writing it down on a piece of paper it'll still go around in my head...and at least I would have some way of letting it out by writing it down. Still, my hand might get carpal tunel if I'm not careful. I've never found myself with a pen and paper very often unless I'm writing an essay or something which doesn't happen very often...cause I usually have somebody write my essays for me. So this is a big thing for me.

I wish things were easier. I wish you could just tell a girl you loved her and she could reciprocate those feelings and you could put all the past crap that you've done behind you. But now I have this to put behind me too. And this was probably the worst thing I possibly could've done. I don't know how she'll ever forgive me, cause' sexting to santana was probably the worst thing ever...and she's going to hate me for a long time.

I realized what an ass I'd been while we were singing True Colors...the lyrics for some odd reason really hit home. I may look like a jack ass on the outside but I wanted Quinn to see what was on the inside, past all the badness. I wanted her to see my true colors, lame as it sounds. And I wanted her to love me.

If only it were that easy...