I do not own Merlin.
It is my intention to alleviate the pain we felt (and still do) in the aftermath of the two final episodes of Merlin.
Before we get to that stage though, our two heroes have to go through quite a few trials and tribulations! It is the show's finale after all!
I would like to thank all of you who have read chapter 1, followed, favourited and reviewed and commented. Thank you so much! Your support is well appreciated! :)))
Merlin froze on the spot staring at the door handle he had been about to grab and realized in an instant that, at this very moment, he would have to choose between two paths.
He could pretend to have overheard the remark and go, leaving Arthur in doubt about his loyalty and friendship and unsure of what kind of person he was. He could leave him to contemplate why the person he had called friend so many times would want to behave like a coward and desert him in his time of need.
Or he could choose to stay and do as he had been asked. Tell the truth. No doubt this would be even more painful than leaving. In fact, it would be like opening a can of worms.
If he gave up the secret he had been guarding for so many years he had to expect a far worse reaction than the one he'd just received. Merlin didn't even realize he was grinding his teeth at the thought of it. But he had waited for so long to tell the man before him who he truly was. He'd yearned to be recognized for his true self and often dreamt of a time when he could use his magic freely in Camelot. That time surely had to come soon.
"He'll never know who I really am," he'd whispered in desperation to Gaius when Uther had died and Arthur had declared his undying hatred of magic. Gaius had tried to comfort him then. "The day will come," he'd said. "I am sure of it." But the day had never arrived, whether of Merlin's choosing or not. There never seemed to have been the right time. What if it never happens? Merlin couldn't bear the thought of it. He had been in hiding for too long, and he wanted nothing more than to tell the truth.
What if this is the last chance I'll ever have to come clean? The sobering thought almost stopped Merlin's breath. Then Arthur would always take him for a bumbling loyal fool who had chickened out at the last hurdle. If he could not retrieve what made him who he was, if he didn't find a way to get back his magic, he would be unable to save his king and Camelot. But if he kept silent now, he had no chance of even warning Arthur of the dangers he was facing.
If he chose to grab that handle and open the door and leave those chambers, Arthur would never hear of the prophecy hanging over his head like a dark shadow. Should he really let him face Mordred and Morgana without fully understanding what he was up against? Surely that meant failing his king and his duty. The least he could do was to put him into the picture so he would be prepared and ready when the time of decisions came.
Merlin suddenly took heart. If he told Arthur the truth now he would be able to warn him and tell him what to look out for and prepare himself for the worst. That would be worth anything, even complete rejection. As long as it meant that Arthur would live.
So what if … he just did as he was asked?
Merlin's shoulders were heaving up and down with the burden of having to make this momentous decision while his mind was going round in circles. He could feel Arthur's eyes boring into his back waiting for a reply.
The king just stood there watching the man he had considered his closest friend and confidante for so long. Yes, he'd probably never really expressed this properly, but at the bottom of his heart he knew that he needed Merlin. His ever-present boundless optimism, his unfailing loyalty, his readiness to do anything for his king, and, most of all, his selfless friendship had been there for him every step along the way. And he has made me a better man because of it. Which made Merlin's choice of deserting him when he needed him most even more unconceivable.
Arthur simply couldn't grasp it. Merlin's honesty had always been what he had appreciated most. Even when they had just met Merlin hadn't been afraid to tell him exactly what he thought and never shied away to give his opinion, be it welcome or not. He'd been courageous enough to warn him about Agravaine at a time when Arthur had been completely oblivious about his uncle's treachery and he had bravely weathered Arthur's fury in the aftermath.
Merlin hadn't been frightened to speak up for Gwen after Arthur had banished her and forbidden everyone to mention her name to him ever again. While all other of his advisors and friends had been tiptoeing around him and bearing his gloomy mood, Merlin had stood tall and made him face his true feelings. And again not long ago it had been Merlin who had brought to light that Morgana had been twisting Gwen's mind. Without him, she would have never been returned to him as herself.
And there had been many more occasions like this. Every single time Merlin had shown he wasn't afraid to tell uncomfortable truths and risk Arthur's wrath as a consequence. How often had he insisted on unpleasant realities to be brought to light and prevailed in the end for the better! So why, why on earth, would he try to fob him off with such a feeble excuse now? Arthur thought, his eyes full of sorrow.
Arthur watched as Merlin turned round as if in slow motion. When he finally lifted his eyes to look straight in his, the intensity of the turmoil staring back at him made him flinch.
"The truth?" Merlin whispered. "You want to hear the truth?"
Arthur just nodded, unable to react any other way.
"What if… the truth is far worse than what you just heard?" Merlin asked, as the fear of what would happen when he revealed everything took a hold of him. Tiny pearls of sweat started appearing on his forehead and at the back of his neck. His hands felt cold and clammy as they kept moving over his breeches restlessly, while nausea swept through his body forming a huge lump in his throat. He wondered for a split second if his voice would do his bidding as the knot forming in his throat steadily tightened further.
"It will be at least the truth," Arthur muttered, his heart suddenly drumming furiously in his chest in wild anticipation. Merlin's behaviour had upset him so far, but now he was seriously concerned. What truth was so awful he wasn't able to speak of it? What could have happened that made him lie and make feeble excuses? What could possibly turn him into the emotional mess he was obviously in?
For a second they just stood there measuring each other in heavy silence.
Merlin swallowed hard pushing himself to speak. This was it. He had waited for so many years to come to this point. Yet, it was not at all how he had imagined it. He had lived through so many scenarios how he would finally tell his king, his friend, his brother who he really was. How he would find out. But none had come even close to this strange situation.
"Are you sure?" Merlin made a final attempt to give Arthur a chance to let the matter go.
"Just get on with it, Merlin," Arthur was getting impatient now, on the one hand desperate to know what was going on in Merlin's mind and on the other somewhat panicking what he would reveal. Arthur wondered for a split second if, maybe, it would have been better not to ask for the truth.
Merlin's blue eyes bravely sought his gaze and then he started.
"When I came here first, I was looking for a place where I could make a home. A place to belong."
Arthur lifted an eyebrow, doing an uncanny imitation of Gaius without realizing it. This was a rather unexpected turn to their conversation.
"Well, after meeting you, I thought I had come to the wrong place." Merlin managed to grin feebly at the memory of their first encounter.
"I tried to kill you with a mace," Arthur remembered, his lips twitching into a half smile.
"On that very first day I was told by an old …..druid about an ancient prophecy." Merlin's conscience cringed as he used another little lie. One step at a time. He sighed to himself. Telling Arthur about Kilgarrah at this point would have pushed the boat out way too far.
"A prophecy?" Arthur frowned, unsure how to react. Of course he knew the druids told many stories of events past and future, but he had no idea where Merlin was going with this.
"A prophecy about the Once and Future King who would bring about the Golden Age of Albion. This would be a time where all people would live together in peace and prosperity in a united kingdom."
"That's nice." Arthur replied with hesitation. "But it sounds like bedtime stories again, Merlin." What on earth is this all about? he wondered. Yes, he remembered the name of the Once and Future King. Merlin had called him that a few times before, but he'd never really paid attention to it, or considered it might be more than an invention of his vivid imagination.
"Just say what you have to, but this is getting a little …tedious," he said edgily, yet at the same time trying to humour Merlin at least a little bit longer for the sake of their friendship.
Merlin looked at him, inwardly shaken in frustration at Arthur's ignorance. "You are the Once and Future King, Arthur."
"Is that so?" Arthur's face twisted with disbelief. "Who decided that?"
"It's been written in the legends for centuries, that you were the king to usher in this new era of justice and fairness." Merlin looked at his friend expectantly, but was only rewarded with an incredulous stare.
Arthur sighed. "I'm flattered." and then added more impatiently. "Just come to the point, Merlin."
"The legends also foretold that in order to bring about this wonderful age the Once and Future King would need the help of a very powerful warlock." Merlin swallowed hard.
"A warlock?" The words smacked of incredulity.
"A man who is born with magic," Merlin explained.
"I know what a warlock is, Merlin," Arthur retorted, his voice brimming with indignation. "There are no sorcerers like that," he added, certain of his knowledge.
"There is one." Merlin contradicted him with an air of confidence that made Arthur furrow his brow.
"His name is Emrys." Merlin's stomach churned, aware he was slowly clawing himself towards the final revelation, but realizing at the same time that so far Arthur had not been a very sympathetic listener. This is the wrong time, a small voice whispered in the back of his mind. But by now it was too late to change his mind. He had committed himself and he was determined to go through with it.
Arthur's head went up when Merlin said the name. He was sure he'd heard it before somewhere else. It had been a long time ago, but…
"Morgana mentioned this Emrys once," Arthure said, trying to recall from the depths of his memories what her exact words had been.
"Not even Emrys can save you now." Those had been her words when she'd attempted to take Camelot the last time. For Arthur that conversation had been one of the most painful he'd ever had, and it had lived in his heart ever since. It was when he had no choice but to finally accept that the Morgana he'd loved and known, the woman that had been his sister, had ceased to exist.
She obviously had believed this Emyrs was real and that he would have helped him. But the name was a common one and none of this proved that the prophecy Merlin was talking about had any substance.
"So that Emrys…," Arthur concluded slightly disgruntled. "Even if he exists, what has he and that prophecy got to do with you. And all of this?" Arthur's irritated tone indicated he was tiring of this conversation as he failed to make a connection.
"Everything," Merlin said quietly, and Arthur's head popped up at the graveness in his voice. Suddenly Merlin felt completely calm.
"I am Emrys," he stated and then paused.
Silence fell and all Merlin could hear was the distant clattering of hooves in the court yard below and a knight shouting instructions at someone.
"What are you …," Arthur asked in total confusion. "Merlin, what …," Arthur looked at his friend who just stood there, pale and tired looking, but with an undeterred sense of serenity and dignity.
"What are you trying to say?" Arthur finally managed to complete the sentence.
"I am Emrys," Merlin repeated more self-assured. "I am a warlock and I have magic."
As he was saying it, finally, out loud, Merlin lost his previous composure. He started shaking uncontrollably. Tears started streaming down his face and constrained sobs ripped out of his mouth faster and louder by the second. He had suppressed his feelings for too long and now they just poured out of him without restraint. The terror of this moment, the nerve wrecking anticipation all mingled with a sense of relief that he'd finally done it. At the same time the horrifying knowledge that all this was completely … wrong and that it had come at the wrong time started to overwhelm him.
Arthur shook his head violently as he was watching the man he'd regarded his best friend break down completely before his eyes. He had been surprised at the pride and the power in Merlin's words, but how could he possibly take them seriously?
"Merlin, this is stupid." It broke out of him as a first gut reaction.
"You're not a sorcerer… or a warlock …," Arthur stared at Merlin wondering why he even bothered replying to his silly statement.
"I would know!" Arthur added in his rather annoyed, kingly manner. Of course he would have known. Merlin had lived under his nose for more than ten years. Only an idiot would not have noticed something that momentous and obvious as him having magic.
"But I use it for you, and only for you," Merlin continued as if he hadn't taken in Arthur's words at all. His croaky voice almost faltered as he was baring it all, and his words oozed of the desperate need to apologize.
He seems to be serious about this, Arthur thought in complete disbelief not really taking in the meaning of the last few words. He shook his head again. Merlin could not be a sorcerer. He was sure of it. This is just gibberish. Maybe he's unwell or has come down with some affliction affecting his mind. For a second Arthur searched the face of his friend. But all he found was a desperate look begging for an answer and understanding.
"Why would you say this?" Arthur asked, still dumbfounded and shocked at the strange revelation.
"Because you asked for the truth and this is it," Merlin replied stubbornly, unable to comprehend that Arthur refused to believe a word he was saying. Surely after all those years he should have had some kind of trust in his 'stories'. Surely their friendship was worth a leap of faith.
Then something struck Arthur out of the blue. Now that would sort out this incredulous situation!
"You say you have magic," he repeated to Merlin who gave a slight nod in acknowledgment.
"Well, prove it!" Arthur said quite matter of fact and was sure this would end this unbelievable conversation. He was surprised he had not come up with the idea earlier.
Merlin seemed to grow even paler at the suggestion. He looked straight at Arthur again and the hurt that poured out of his eyes intensified at Arthur's request.
"I can't," he barely whispered.
"And why would that be?" Arthur asked triumphantly, sensing he would be able to prove his point.
"Morgana attacked me with a magical creature last night that took my powers away."
Arthur gasped. Now this is taking the biscuit. Surely he can't expect me to believe this nonsense.
"So you can't even show me you can do magic." There was an unpleasant edge to Arthurs's voice now that didn't go unnoticed. "What kind of magical creature would be that powerful?" he asked as an afterthought.
It was almost impossible for Merlin to turn any paler than he was already, but knowing how strange and outrageous his answer would sound to Arthur, even the last drop of blood drained out of his face.
"A slug," Merlin's heart sank like a boat that had a hole the size of a canon- ball.
Arthur blinked twice, his breath taken away by the absurdity of the answer. If this had been a different time, a different place and a different situation, he would have laughed out loud and congratulated Merlin on his hilarious joke. But the way things were, nothing about this felt funny. Ill temper started bubbling deep below.
"A slug," Arthur said, savouring the word with sarcasm. "A slug, … Merlin?!' Arthur repeated, his voice rising resentment washed over him.
"How can you possibly expect me to believe all this… gibberish?" The anger was blatantly evident now. Arthur hated to be made a fool of and that was what it felt like at this moment. Why would Merlin do this to him?
As Merlin watched Arthur his world was falling apart. He had given everything at the cost of his own happiness, just to be laughed at, to be showered with indignation when he had finally found the courage to tell the truth.
"Morgana knows I'm Emrys and she knows I would do anything to protect you and defend Camelot. But without my magic I can do nothing." Merlin attempted desperately to clarify his position further and make Arthur understand.
Arthur had started pacing up and down his chambers, his brows deeply furrowed and his teeth tightly clenched. When he stopped, he looked up.
"If I understand you correctly then, Merlin … you're telling me, you're a sorcerer… " and at Merlin's look he corrected himself. "… a warlock." Arthur couldn't see what difference it made to their conversation. " … that you have ….magic."
Merlin cringed at the sarcastic note in Arthur's tone.
"But you can't do magic…," Arthur paused, clearly troubled by his own summary. " …becauuuse … " Arthur drew out the word sarcastically, "it was taken by a slug." The last word, laced with bitter irony and sheer disbelief hits Merlin straight in his guts. This was turning into his worst nightmare.
Arthur took a deep breath before he continued. "A slugMorgana sent in the hope she would be able destroy me as a result."
He is coming to the wrong conclusions. Merlin sensed it, but the avalanche had started to roll. A sudden wave of panic and heartache crashed together over his head.
"I need to get my magic back. That is why I have to go. That is why I can't come to Camlann with you just now. It's the only way I can help you at all," He insisted, choked with grief, but realizing at the same time how strange and removed from reality all this had to sound to Arthur. The tiny hope his king would just take his word and trust him evaporated in thin air.
Arthur stared at him, his eyes damp and gloomy, and Merlin could feel the atmosphere changing. The air seemed suddenly thicker and heavier to breathe and a wall of suspicion was rising at alarming speed between them. The king's eyes had darkened and his mouth was in a thin line before he spoke.
"No Merlin," he stated with the coldest of voices. "I understand now what's going on here." He looked at the young warlock with despising eyes. "I asked you for the truth and all you give me is a web of ridiculous lies and fabrications of deceit.'
"You are a coward, and just like a coward you're afraid to admit it." Arthur snarled.
"And to cover up for your failings you make up this … gibberish." The hurt in his words was overpowering. It was as if he suddenly didn't know the person standing right next to him anymore. Was this really the man who had sworn on many occasions he would die at his side? That he would protect him whatever the cost? He would have been able to live with the disappointment of his silly excuse of going on an errand, even if it was hurtful. But this!
No, he would never be able to look Merlin straight in the eye again after all the lies he had just dished up and the act he had put on to make him believe it. No decent man would do a thing like that. How could he have been fooled about Merlin for so long?
His heart was dying as he looked straight into the blue eyes that he had become so accustomed to. They looked back at him dead, mirroring exactly what was going on inside him.
"Leave me," Arthur croaked, overwhelmed by the grief and emptiness of losing the friend he'd valued so highly. "I'm relieving you of your duties."
Merlin couldn't believe his eyes and ears, he did not want to. "Arthur…," he whispered in defeat, his heart totally numb and shattered. He turned to go as he'd been told, but then, in a flash, he popped round his head. He had to say it, had to try at least.
"Arthur. I beg you. Watch out for Mordred. It is foretold you will die by his hand."
Will Arthur ever really listen to Merlin?
Mind, you must admit it is not easy. A slug. Come on. Whoever thought of it? Even if it was a big one. Would you believe it if your best friend told you?
Of course Morgana and Mordred could have a field day, if Merlin decided that he has just had enough ... (not saying he does, but it would be understandable...)