Remus Lupin was in a bind. Literally. His legs and arms were bound by thick ropes. He glanced sourly at his captor, a certain tall handsome git with grey eyes that stared half-crazedly into the depths of his cauldron.
'Thought you'd pull a fast one on me, eh?' muttered Sirius, as he appraised the contents of said cauldron with a satisfied smirk. If the cauldron had any good sense it'd know to melt itself and take one for the team, but alas, it was a mere piece of useless pewter. 'Sirius Black isn't rumoured to be brilliant for nothing, you know. I'm as deadly as I am charming.'
Remus rolled his eyes at this, but knew better than to reply. Not that he could - Sirius had decided to gag him for extra measure. However, he was able to emit sounds at intervals, to convey his mood or opinion on the current situation.
Sirius ignored the muffled indignation from the lump on the floor and stirred the contents of the aforementioned cauldron excitedly, adding a discordant mixture of ingredients that should never be encountered in the same room, let alone a cramped metal repository situated over a fire. As Remus prayed fervently to the heavens or Anubis or whatever it is that could save their necks, Peter Pettigrew chose to make his entrance, walking down the stairs of the boys' dormitory with a spring in his step and whistling a jolly tune. Said whistling and spring disappeared upon the dreaded sight, and the boy looked ready to wet himself as he took in the sight before him.
'Sirius, are you sure this is a good idea?' he asked nervously of his personal God and role model, who was busy depositing what looked suspiciously like Doxy eggs into the murky solution.
Sirius waved his question away, and pointed to the armchair closest to him. 'Sit, Wormtail, for you are about to witness wonderful sweet, sweet history in the making, when I am declared the Ultimate Being of All Time. You may want to record this auspicious moment in history for posterity's sake.'
'B-b-but Sirius, a-are you-u s-s-sure...' The words died on his lips as Sirius glared at him. 'Sit!' he commanded imperiously, pointing once more to the chair. Peter squeaked nervously and acquiesced immediately, hoping fervently that his bladder would hold out. It was then that he noticed the terrified huddle of students on the other side of the room, their eyes transfixed on the cauldron, which was currently rocking from side to side. This only appeared to delight the Black heir even more, whose dark locks were looking even more voluminous with the fumes from the potion. Peter admired their natural bounce for a few moments, forgetting about the situation at hand as he gazed at the natural shine of Sirius' ebony hair with something akin to lust in his eyes.
He was happily daydreaming of handsome hair bows to match Sirius' flawless complexion when James made his entrance, jovially walking through the portrait hole, pulling a bedraggled-looking Lily Evans by the hand, who looked satisfied yet mildly perplexed. Judging by the state of James' shirt buttons; it appeared that they had just finished off a rather successfully productive Head Boy and Girl meeting.
James literally froze at the sight of his best friend looming over the unfortunate cauldron and stared over his shoulder in horror at his paramour, who had the good sense to look terrified at the prospect of what the dark haired miscreant could unleash on the victims in the Common Room.
Steeling herself, Lily gingerly made her way to where the tall youth stood. "Sirius, what are you up to over there?" she called sweetly, using the same tone one might use with a toddler on the verge of an explosive tantrum (extra emphasis on the explosive).
The mad Marauder turned at the mention of his name, and his eyes rested on the wary redhead. "Evans!" he exclaimed jubilantly, striding over to her, slinging an arm around her neck and all but dragging her back to the potential Vesuvius. "My dear Potions swot, just the person I needed to see! I need a consult."
Lily forced a smile, and looked up at her captor. "Is that so?"
Sirius waved away her remark and reached for a bottle. "What would happen if I added Tears of Acheron to a mixture that already had Billywig Stings?"
Lily blinked in surprise. "Well, nothing, I suppose, Acheron Tears aren't so volatile a substance, though one does have to take into account saturation levels of the potion at hand and the purity..." Lily broke off, sniffing the air anxiously. "Sirius, what else did you put in that cauldron? Sirius?" she was already beginning to sound frantic, but Sirius had stopped listening after "nothing" and was studiously dumping the contents of a small bottle into the cauldron, paying her no heed.
"Sirius, please tell me you didn't add Alihotsy leaves to the cauldron!" Her voice had risen to a squeak, and at the sound of her plea Remus' eyes widened in understanding, and the panicked werewolf began to thrash like an eel in a misguided attempt to break free and escape. Sirius looked up at the ruckus, and then at Lily. "What was that? What's wrong with Moony? Does he have ants in his pants? It's a dreadful affliction, you know, I recall a woeful summer in which my beloved friend Pron-"
"NO ONE CARES SIRIUS, DID YOU ADD ALIHOTSY LEAVES TO THE CAULDRON?" inquired a hysterical Lily, her spit flaying Sirius in the face. He was too scared to wipe it off.
"...Yes?" he said, at which Lily blanched. Sirius enjoyed the comical manner in which the blood drained from the poor girl's face, until realization began to dawn on his handsome, deranged features.
"That's not good, is it?" But he was speaking to empty air, for Lily had turned and was attempting to run at breakneck speed towards the Portrait Hole. Alas, our beloved redhead was no great runner, much less in school shoes and a skirt, and was still within range when the cauldron reached its breaking point and decided to dash it all and retire to a better place.
When the smoke eventually cleared, the surface area of the Gryffindor Common Room was laden thick with a milky gelatinous substance with the sticking power of what seemed like industrial glue. It also had the unfortunate side effect of making the room resemble the inside contents of a pubescent boy's handy sock. Groans erupted all over the circular room, as its inhabitants slowly peeled themselves off the floor, some crying from the stinging sensation caused by the mixture as it got in their eyes. Many heard a door slam, but paid no mind. The culprit lay dazed on the floor, his eyes ablaze in wonder as he pondered what he had just done. Remus, who resembled a fat white worm rather than a human being, lay deathly still, emitting whimpers at intervals. Lily was sprawled on the floor. Her long hair had decided to glue itself to the floor, and she was having considerable trouble unsticking it without ripping half of it out of her scalp. James writhed on the floor, clutching at his eyes and howling in pain.
Just then, a creaking voice rang through the room, and there appeared McGonagall, who deftly held between her fingers the ears of a certain Peter Pettigrew, whose features belied feelings of sullenness, fear, and pain.
"Mr Pettigrew here was trying to make a run for it, though I would've hoped a student of mine to be a little sharper of mind and remember to clean himself thoroughly if he were to hope for any chance of an inconspicuous escape. It is of no interest to me the reason for this atrocity, though I can assure you that none are to leave this room until it is spotless." She glared at the room until she was satisfied that everyone felt sufficiently ashamed, and with an imperious sweep of her robes, made a swift exeunt, thoughts straying to the contents of her biscuit tin and the tea she so desperately needed to cool her ire.
Everyone turned to glare mutinously at Sirius, who remained blissfully unaware of the sheer amount of hate directed his way. He merely clapped his hands and stared around at them all. "Well, this isn't going to clean itself, you know. Pip pip!" He opened his mouth to say more, only to be promptly assaulted by a gaggle of enraged first years.
Lily, having won the battle with the floor and sloughed off the worst of the goo, wearily made her way over to her boyfriend, who was resting on the side of a sofa, gazing into the distance. "Are you all right, James?" she asked, resting a hand on his shoulder. James started, but then collected himself and gazed adoringly at Lily. "Brill. Why wouldn't I be?"
"Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but the mixture hardens over time, and it's all over your hair... and well, I know you love it so, but we may have to shave it all o..."
Thunk.
James had fainted.