- Chapter 1 -

I was alone. Always alone. I did have people, maybe I could go as far as to say friends? But I knew them and I knew that they were strong people. I knew that with time that they would heal.

I removed my shirt and my trousers to reveal the scars which lined my stomach, my thighs, my shoulders, my chest, before taking off my undergarments and stepping into the shower. I lathered shampoo on my hair and rinsed it, running my fingers over my scalp, clearing it of all soapy the steamy air of the shower, I squinted at the clock just outside of the shower. It read 22:53.

I pushed the rusty handle down and the water ceased to rain down onto my head. I reached out and tugged the large towel which hung from the rack next to the shower and hugged it to my chest. I rubbed it vigorously against my skin until it was dry and flaking off, before wrapping my hair in the towel. I began pulling on the silk pajamas which I had never before worn, but what better an occasion than this? I gently took the towel off my head and caressed my hair with it, until the curls hung down my back and was no longer dripping. I turned my head to check the time, it read 23:18.

I spread as many towels as I could onto the floor, emptying the cupboards of all of its hand-towels and flannels. I layed each one on top the other, covering each end of the floor. I opened the cupboard, the high one, the one that children can't reach, the one that you're forbidden to open when you're young incase you swallow them all and become ill without knowing. Well I was old enough to know. I knew. I knew the consequences, and that was why I opened it. I closed my fingers around the bottle of sleeping pills and then my sisters antidepressants. I stopped when I came to the Tramadol and my mind raced back to when I was 8 years old.

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"Val, never take these. Mommy's only taking these because she's recovering from breaking her back, okay?" A girl who some mistake for my mirror image, of 17 years smiled down at me.

"Okay Sorella. I won't"

The girl leant forwards and put the bottle back up in the high cupboard, before reaching back and ruffling my hair.

"Sono la sorella dispiace…" I whispered, my throat dry and my eyes wet as I pulled the bottle of fatal painkillers off of the shelf. I turned to look at the clock and it read 23:32.

It was time.

I emptied the Tramadol into my mouth and put the bottle of water to my lips and began to chug down the clear liquid. I almost choked in my effort to swallow them all at once, but I managed. And soon the bottle of 100 become a bottle of 0. Then i stretched out my hand and picked up the bottle with the label 'Sertraline; Prescribed to Ariana Romano'. As I did before, I poured the contents into my mouth and swallowed, my water supply slowly depleting. And finally I came to the sleeping pills. I began to slow down, and starting popping them into my mouth, one by one, like candy. It was almost ironic. As a young child I never wanted to sleep or go to bed for fear of my continuous night terrors that would attack me every night. Yet here I was, taking sleeping pills, to sleep forever, welcoming the darkness, the nightmares.

I reached inside the bottle to find that it was empty. I'd finished. All that was left was to wait. And suddenly a wave of anxiety and panic fell over me, crushing my windpipe to the point where I couldn't breathe. I'm going to die. I didn't want to die. I don't want to die… Help… Help! HELP! "HELP!" I screamed.

My vision went blurry as my face hit the soft cushioned pile of towel, knocking down the empty medicine bottles as I went. In the distance I heard someone banging on the door "Val?! Valentina?! Are you okay baby?! Valentina?!"

The lock pinged off and the door swung open and i could vaguely make out the shapes of my parents and my older brother in the door frame, my mom and brother rushing towards me as my dad stood in the background shouting down the phone "Questo è stronzate! You're asking me to wait?! My daughter needs help you bastardi fottuti!"

My brother leant down until he was a mere inch away from my face, "Val, what did you take? Valentina Mariana Romano, what did you take?!"

I reached up to his face and giggled softly, my anxiety fading away and a nice calm setting over my chest, "Fratello…" I muttered, "I like your beard, don't ever be clean-shaven" I could feel everything blacking over. I could feel him slapping my face and shouting at me "Valentina, you brat! Wake up! Fuck! You took this?! Val, this is fucking horse-tranquilizer! What have you done?! You used Ariana's antidepressants?! And Nonnina's sleeping pills?! Valentina what have you done?! Valetina…" His voice was growing quiet and soon I couldn't hear anymore, the only thing slipping through was the wailing sound of the sirens. The time read 23:48.

The next thing I remember was being pulled out of my body to see my body on a hospital bed, cold and grey. My mother in my dad's arms sobbing, her blonde hair which always looked so voluminous and shiny, dull and scraggly like rat tails. My dad's eyes were red, his dark brown eyes bloodshot and his attractive face seeming tired and ugly. My brother was sat next to my body, his head in my hands as the doctors pulled a sheet over my body's head. My sister burst through the doors, her hair wet from the rain outside. Her car keys fell to the floor with a loud clang. The doctor to the side looked at his watch and said "Time of death; 11:59 pm 31st December 2017" The sound of the flat-line was still going until a nurse disconnected it, and took the patches off of my chest.

"NO!" Everyone stopped to turn to the source of the voice. Even my mother stopped crying for a second. My Sorella started shaking. "No, you put that back on her chest. You shock her, you bring her back, you heard me?! You bring her back god damnit! She's 15 years old, for fuck's sake!" My brother stood up and all the doctors took this as a sign to continue with their task. "She's too young to fucking die!" My brother walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pulling her into his chest. "What the fuck?! Get off me Fratello! This is your fault! Why didn't you stop her?! Why didn't you make her throw them up?! Or get some medication to help her?! You're just a no-good pharmacist who killed his little sister!" And then she collapsed, crying her heart out, staining his shirt with her tears. "Give her back! Give me my baby sister back…"

In the background, the cheers of the new year could be heard behind the wails of my older sister.

"Ariana...Carlo…" My mom stood up and walked over to her two children before putting her arms around them both.

My brother gave her a quick hug before giving my sister to my mom, "Toilet" he muttered, giving a dry smile as he left.

I followed him as he left. As soon as he stepped out of the room, he shut the doors behind him and walked into a cubicle in the toilets and started to cry. I could feel my heart clenching. I'd never seen my Fratello cry...ever, it was shocking and it hurt. He sank to his knees and cried out. A pang stabbed my heart and I suddenly felt awful. He slammed his fist on the ground. "Damnit Valentina… I fucking love you! Why the fuck would you do this to me?! Give me back my baby sister...She's too young...It's my fault. I drove her to this. If I had payed a little more attention and helped her through it. God damnit…"

"I'm sorry...Fratello, I'm sorry! I didn't know how much it would hurt you! I didn't know how much you cared…" I said, but I knew he couldn't hear me. "I'm sorry Fratello, but I'm not happy… I never was. With time you and Sorella and Mamma Papa will be okay, I'll just be a fond memory. Please just be happy, for me… I'm sorry Fratello" I closed my eyes and tears ran down my face. I opened my eyes and I was no longer in the hospital toilets.

I didn't know where I was. It was all blurry. And bright. Was this heaven? Or hell?

"It's a beautiful baby girl" What?! "Congratulations" No...don't tell me…

"The time of birth being 00:02 2nd February 1899" Wait a second…?! This makes no-

"Marcus...Our baby she's beautiful" A black haired woman smiled down at me as I lay...in her arms?! I blinked once, twice. And then as my vision cleared somewhat I pulled with enormous effort, my arms out of the wrapping from which they were contained. I held them in front of my face and my breath caught in my throat. Baby arms. Weak undeveloped arms. I'd been born again. I was alive again. I was conscious again. Again. No. No!

I started screaming. My worst nightmare had come to light. I would have to suffer through life again. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

"Doctor! Someone! Nurse! Help me! My baby, she's screaming!" The lady looked scared and frightened.

I stopped screaming. It would do no good right now. I just lay my weak head against her chest.

"Oh thank goodness…" She breathed a sigh of relief. "Marcus, this baby is a miracle...We were told I would never be able to mother a child and here she is. Our little child… I want to call her Clara, after my mother."

A man's voice, whom I'm assuming was Marcus spoke up "Of course Lena, my darling. It's a beautiful name"

I listened to all of this and silently cried against my new mother's dressing gown.

Did I have the strength to break a whole new family's heart?

Fratello - Brother

Sorella - Sister

Noonina - Grandma

My character is three-quarters Italian, a quarter American (father is full and mother is half) and lived in the Uk in her past life. Her name was Valentina Mariana Romano. She was bullied and her friends abandoned her and she was humiliated to the point where whenever anyone wished to be her friend, she'd push them away and immediately distrust them. However eventually she stopped fighting them and instead painted on a fake smile and tried a fake facade of happiness but she couldn't do it anymore. She was too lonely and too weak to smile anymore.

If you ever feel like this please contact Teens in Crisis, Samaritans, Childline or another helpline. Never feel lonely like Val did.