Spoilers for this chapter come from 3x13 Knockdown and 3x26 Knockout. Season Four spoilers include 4x19 47 Seconds and 4x20 The Limey.
Kate Beckett could only sit alone in the booth in stunned stillness. All of this had come to her as a complete surprise. It was clear that Castle was livid with her, but it was in that anger that she saw what she had not seen. She could not help but wonder how he found out about her memory coming back. She had thought all this time it was because of how long she had waited. Lanie got her to thinking that but it was not all Lanie's fault. It had never occurred to her maybe even she was thinking that way before Lanie even brought it up.
The idea that he had found out everything had not even occurred to her. It should have been obvious when he looked back at her with eyes hard as cooled steel. She should have thought about the possibility that Castle might be behind that two sided mirror when she was in the middle of the interrogation. She should have felt the icy cold chill in his words when he talked about sinning in silence. It had not been directed at the suspect but at her the whole time.
Instinct finally overcame the stun when she called the one person to whom she could talk to and get her home safely. She hit the speed dial for Lanie's number. If Kate was extremely lucky, she would be alone and free to give her some company. She would call a cab if Lanie did not answer or if it turned out that she was with Esposito. She prayed that Lanie would be available. She needed to someone to hear her rant and make sense of things. Things made greater sense to her when she was allowed to think out loud. Her whole world was so confused that up and down were completely uncertain.
"Kind of late to be calling don't you think?" Lanie's voice was groggy.
"This is Kate. I was wondering if you would be alone. I would not want to ruin your night." Kate fought to keep the tears within her heart and away from her eyes.
"Kate you sound drunk. Tell me where you are and I will come get you." Lanie must have heard the alcohol in her voice.
"I'm at the Old Haunt. I feel so drunk, confused, and lost. I will explain when you get here." Kate allowed every feeling she had to come out short of crying.
"Richard Ca…" Lanie was about to say the cause of all of this.
"As your friend, I am asking you to not bring up his name right now. I don't want to talk about this over the phone. Please just come and get me." Kate's voice took on an irritated edge.
"Okay, okay. I get it Kate. Be there in five minutes." Lanie's voice revealed understanding.
Kate was not so drunk that she did not know the cost of her tab. She paid for her drinks and stumbled her way up the steps toward the busy city street. She could see the headlight's of Lanie's car appear just as she reached the top step. Her best friend had come through for her once again. Lanie Parish was like the sister that she had always wanted as a child but never had. Kate only looked out of the passenger side window while Lanie drove. The alcohol helped her thinking at all. The alcohol only opened the door to memories that she had tried to forget. The kiss they had shared while trying to save the guys found amplification with the alcohol she consumed. She felt the unintended side effects.
"We're here girl. Let me help you get up there." Lanie helped her out of the passenger seat.
She did not fight Lanie because she knew that she would be too unsteady to walk. Lanie was patient and did not push the subject that she did not want to talk about. Once Kate was able to find a seat on her couch, the dam broke and poured from her eyes.
Kate could feel Lanie's hand on her back.
"Now Kate Beckett, would you mind telling me what in the world happened tonight?" Lanie lifted her head to eye level.
"I read Castle all wrong. You would think that you could read someone better after four years of working together. I missed this one completely. It wasn't the wait that turned him into what we see now, it is what I let slip out during an interrogation." Kate was finally able to sleep.
"I am not following. Please explain." Lanie was surprised by what Kate was saying.
"While I was interrogating the kid we thought planted the bomb, I told him that I remembered everything from when I was shot in the chest. Castle heard about it and now he thinks I never cared. He believes my lie was out of not caring." Kate elaborated to a wide eyed Lanie.
"Again I ask you what in the world happened at the bar tonight? Your explanation doesn't tell me what I need to know." Lanie was not satisfied with the answer.
"I took up the offer to have a drink with Collin and he left when he realized where my mind was. Castle happened to walk in with that blonde." Kate began recounting her story, despite the pain.
"I guess he was as distracted by my presence as I was his. She got up and walked out of the bar. He walked up to my booth and he looked angry." Kate felt the fear and pain of the moment come back.
"So what happened when he approached your booth?" Kate could see that she had Lanie's full attention.
"He put his hands on my table and looked me in the eye. He asked me when I started remembering everything. I tried to explain myself, but he just refused to listen to me. He got closer and put his hands on my face. He asked if I kissed him right then and there if I would feel anything at all. This Castle was a man I have never seen." Kate could still feel the stiff, hardened hands on her face.
"I have nothing for you. I have nothing I can say to make you feel better. Anything I would have to say would hurt more if anything." Lanie's face was full of brutal honesty.
"I have become my own wrecking ball. I should have thought about the idea that he would have been behind that mirror. I would not have opened my mouth and hurt him so bad." Kate hung her pounding head.
"All humans have wrecking balls. We use them against ourselves more times than we know. Your wrecking ball hurt you and it definitely hurt Castle." Lanie's words did not make her feel any better but she knew that Lanie was 100% correct.
Kate looked into her sympathetic friend's eyes looking for answers. She found only sympathy. She needed to know how she could fix this messed up situation.
"Before you do anything else for the night, you are getting some rest and sobering up. By Monday morning you will be sober and clear headed. Take it from me, alcohol only complicates things worse. When you get back Monday, I would talk to the person who saw Castle before he entered the booth. I have a sneaking suspicion that the person you need to talk to is Javi. He can help you piece together what happened." Lanie helped Kate get comfortable on the couch.
"I won't argue with you on that." Kate felt the fatigue kick in.
"You won't argue because you know I am right." Lanie smiled.
"I don't know how I missed it in the first place?" Kate's body was quieting her voice.