No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
Chapter 2: ...which alters when it alteration finds
Lao Fo Ye was napping and Qing Er hoped what with being tired with all the drama in the palace lately, she would sleep for a while. She only needed long enough to sneak into the central imperial kitchens to get a message to Yong Qi.
There was only one thing going in and out of Jing Yang Gong at that moment, and that was food, so the only way she could hope to get news to Yong Qi was via the kitchens. She couldn't be too obvious, of course, and no really explicit communication could be attempted. Her footing with Lao Fo Ye was precarious as it was. In any case, it wasn't as if Qing Er had any real news. She only needed to assure Yong Qi that Zi Wei and Xiao Yan Zi had escaped death, which would surely be the one question that as torturing him right now.
When Yong Qi came in the dining room for dinner, he found waiting for him, aside from the usual dinner, a plate of a variety of cakes.
The sudden appearance of sweet snacks at the dinner table was a curious incident.
He looked up from the dishes on the table and found that the eunuch from the kitchen, who delivered the food, for some reason was still hanging around despite before he usually left as soon as as the dishes were set down.
Before Yong Qi could even ask about the unusual addition to the menu, the eunuch said, "Qing Ge Ge sends these cakes with her best wishes."
"Qing Ge Ge?"
"Ge Ge said that Lao Fo Ye had a craving for sweets and she only liked the cakes that Qing Ge Ge made but the Ci Ning Gong kitchen was busy preparing revitalising medicine for Lao Fo Ye so Ge Ge came to -the central kitchens to prepare the cakes. She made too many and asked us to send some to you, Ling Fei Niang Niang and Huang Shang."
He wondered whether the intensive information was Qing Er's instruction or just the eunuch's own initiative, but didn't want to press his luck by asking explicitly. That Qing Er obviously was trying to give him a message was enough. He merely nodded and dismissed all of the servants still remaining in the room.
Once alone, he looked down at the plate of cakes again and found it included an almond cake, a green bean cake, a cashew cake and an apple tart. In short, it was all Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei's favourite snacks. The very sight of them made a wild hope rose in him, so furiously bright and so suddenly that he had to sit down to calm himself.
They were alive.
That could only be the sole message that mattered at the moment, the only message that Qing Er would be able to deliver. She must have known that he was drowning in the not-knowing all these days and had gone through these lengths to reassure him.
For now, just the information that at least Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei hadn't lost their lives on Huang Ah Ma's order was enough relief. It coursed through him with the strength of a river in flood, making him feel light-headed. He would worry more about their relative safety later. For now, he would allow himself to smile and feel grateful for Qing Er's information, which considering the misery he'd been wallowing in, was a positive lifesaver.
He thought about what the eunuch said. Qing Er had also sent these to Huang Ah Ma. Surely that meant that there was positive progress on that front as well. Surely that meant that Huang Ah Ma was not so angry anymore. Qing Er would not risk provoking Huang Ah Ma with reminders of Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei otherwise.
When Huang Ah Ma finally allowed him to set foot outside of Jing Yang Gong, more than two months had passed since the last time he saw Er Kang, Zi Wei and Xiao Yan Zi. Being out of Jing Yang Gong was not much comfort, seeing as he was still forbidden to leave the palace, and Huang Ah Ma refused to even see him. Lao Fo Ye had also seemed to follow his example.
The only comfort was that he could talk to Ling Fei and Qing Er again and get the detailed information that he lacked all this time.
It was a small wonder that Yong Qi didn't manage to go insane in those months, even with Qing Er's efforts to reassure him that Xiao Yan Zi was alive. Alive was one thing, safe was still another.
But it turned out, even other than knowing they were definitely alive, Qing Er and Ling Fei didn't have much more information either. They only knew that Huang Ah Ma had sent people out to try to capture them, though Ling Fei made sure to emphasise that he always insisted on not hurting them, not killing them. Yong Qi wasn't sure whether that was because Huang Ah Ma truly worried about their well-being, who he was simply making sure they would be well enough to endure punishment when they were dragged back. The fact that he was released from the confines of Jing Yang Gong didn't really convince him that his father was through being angry, especially when he still acted like Yong Qi didn't exist.
The palace was, quite plainly, boring without Xiao Yan Zi. It was even more boring when Yong Qi was trapped inside its walls, unable to go outside. If he didn't know it would result in getting caught that would throw him behind the gates of Jing Yang Gong indefinitely again, he would have tried to even climb the palace walls to get out.
Let it never be said that Xiao Yan Zi wasn't a bad influence on him.
Aside from the boredom, there was the worry. The worry seemed to have become a part of him as a whole, seeping into his core, always present like his every breath. It had become a state of being. He almost wished the officials that his father sent out to capture his friends would come back with some report, so that at least he could have hopes of hearing what they were up to, how they were doing. The constant worry of not knowing how they were doing was driving him around the bend, even more so when all he could do was walk around the vast palace doing nothing but exploiting the luxuries that it offered.
More often than not, he spent the day at Shu Fang Zhai, probably because it had become a habit to go there every day and he still hadn't managed to break it. At least, there were Ming Yue, Cai Xia, Xiao Deng Zi, Xiao Zhuo Zi to share in his misery. Though, how much of their own misery was adding to his, he wasn't quite sure. He couldn't help looking wildly around and then being disappointed every time the parrot said "Ge Ge ji xiang" and the servants' sniffles upon hearing this didn't exactly help either. The sight of the book of cheng yu laying open on the desk and Xiao Zhuo Zi's explanation that they had left it open like that for fear of disturbing Xiao Yan Zi's place brought a bittersweet smile to his lips. He would gladly struggle for the rest of his life with this book with her if it meant he could at least be sure he'd see her again.
It was missing Xiao Yan Zi that was the most unbearable of pains. Xiao Yan Zi's absence in his life seemed to eat at him from the inside out, a constant ache in his heart. He found himself wondering at odd moments, what she was doing, whether she was just fine without him, and whether she missed him in return. Did she know how much he missed her, how much he longed to be with her, regardless of whatever hardship she must be enduring? Did she know that he never wanted to be stuck here between these walls, feeling so totally helpless and useless?
Or did she think he voluntarily stayed, and that he had abandoned her?
Because that was what he felt himself sometimes. It wasn't true, of course, he never wanted to be away from her, to leave her on her own. But the truth was, he was here and she was Heaven-knew-where and he had no way of ever getting to her. He had once faked imperial decrees and stolen her from jail, and now he couldn't even release himself from the prison that was his home.
He had tried sneaking out of the palace but all the guards seemed to recognise him from a mile off and always seemed to multiply by the time he reached the gates. If he knew there was a chance one of him could defeat a dozen highly-trained palace guards and get out of the gates alive (well, intact, as they would never dare kill him) he would have tried it already. But he knew any attempt to force his way out now would only result in failure and that would cause even more damage than good.
Ling Fei had taken to trying to persuade Huang Ah Ma to at least see him, as she seemed convinced that Huang Ah Ma truly didn't want to cause any of them harm, and that if only he would speak to Yong Qi, then everything somehow would be miraculously put right. Yong Qi wasn't as convinced. If Huang Ah Ma truly didn't want them any harm, then surely the best thing to do would to not go after them at all?
She had been here before.
Xiao Yan Zi looked out the window of the carriage at the market they were currently going through. Nothing about the sight before her was familiar, but somehow she got the feeling that she'd been here before.
It was only until she heard the name of the town spoken in passing that she realised where they were.
It was not the town that was of any significance. It was the meadow that lay just outside of town, where she had once foolishly jumped on a horse for the first time in her life and raced off to, only to have Yong Qi run after her and steal her first kiss from her.
She did not need more reminders of him, not when the pain of being away from him was refusing to leave her as it was.
Surely it couldn't be healthy to spend so much of your time being so fixated on the thoughts of one person? She wished she didn't miss him so much, she didn't even know before that it was possible to miss someone so much. She wished she could forget that she was here and he was there, so that she could begin to enjoy her current life of freedom, but the things she wished for usually didn't come true.
Life had truly been good – aside from the fact that Yong Qi wasn't here with her – and she truly wanted to enjoy it. Sometimes she did, and sometimes it was less difficult to smile and laugh and have fun without all the restrictions that she almost got used to in the palace. But the lack of Yong Qi would inevitably bounce back at some point, perhaps when she found herself thinking that he would probably have liked this sight, or enjoyed that joke. When it bounced back, it sometimes managed to take her by surprise and then she felt the hollow pain of not having him here all over again.
Today, in this town, it didn't seem that it would be easy to forget him for even just a second.
Xiao Yan Zi got off from the carriage and experienced an odd sense of déjà vu. This, of course, wasn't the inn where they stayed the last time. That place would be much too expensive for their current budget. But the scene was much the same. They had just arrived and everyone was busy unpacking and unhitching, no one really paying her much attention.
Last time, she had seen him help the girl down from his horse and had gotten so mad that she just jumped on Er Tai's horse nearby and shot off.
This time, he should be here as well, and he should be helping her off his horse, because hadn't he promised? There would be place for no one but her on his horse. So why was she here alone, when he should be here and they should be sharing some stupidly sentimental secret smile that only they would understand at the significance of this town? He should be here with her, he should be here he should be here he should be here…
The thoughts blinded her and before she even knew what she was doing, she had jumped on Er Kang's horse and raced off. It was the same feeling, the rush of wind in her hair and pain in her heart – though the pain this time was so different from last time.
This time, she was in no danger of falling off her horse, so she just gripped the reins and urged the horse forward, as fast as he would go. She needed to go faster than her pain could catch up with her, because that was the only way she could escape it for that day.
"Xiao Yan Zi! Be careful!"
For one wild moment, she almost believed it was Yong Qi calling for her, racing after her, like he did the last time. She turned back, only to be hit in the face with disappointment with the force of a brick wall.
It wasn't Yong Qi racing after her at all. Of course it wasn't. He wasn't even here.
It was, instead, Xiao Jian who raced after her. (Of course.)
She didn't want to face Xiao Jian now, she didn't want to face anyone. She just wanted to get away, to be alone, because she was too much in the depths of loneliness to imagine what it might be like to be with company.
She wanted to ride off into the distance, off the face of the earth if possible and never stop, never face the aching void in her heart.
But the horse, who had gone all day, was tired, so at some point, he slowed down from a gallop to a trot to a walk and Xiao Jian did catch up with her. As soon as he was level with her, he reached out to grasp the rein from her.
"What were you thinking, going off like that?"
Xiao Yan Zi didn't answer. She simply let him stop the horse because it wasn't as if he would actually listen to anything she said now. She dismounted and found herself in the meadow where she and Yong Qi had escaped to before. It was not the same stretch, perhaps, because the place where she was standing was flatter than she remembered, but it was probably the same grass that grew here as it did there.
"I wanted some air," she said shortly when Xiao Jian only continued to look disapprovingly down at her.
Who made him her father, anyway?
"You didn't have to come after me," she continued. "I would have come back. I just needed to be alone for a while."
"You shouldn't be alone, what if someone catches you?"
"Out here? It's deserted."
"Still."
"Well, there's no one here, so can I be alone for a while?"
"Why?"
Why? Why?
Really, since when did she need his permission to be alone?
She didn't have time to retort, however, as he said, annoyance clear in his voice.
"I'm not going to leave you alone, you're only going to mope about Yong Qi."
"So what if I am? Maybe I want to."
"It's not healthy."
"Love's not healthy. I've realised that a long time ago."
"You shouldn't mope about him."
"The argument that I shouldn't do something doesn't exactly sit well with me, surely you've realised that?"
"What is there to mope about anyway?"
"I just miss him and worry about him, all right? Can you please leave me alone now? I promise I'll come back before dark."
Xiao Jian snorted derisively. "Why should you worry about him? As everyone keeps assuring you, he's the Sleeping Dragon's son, he's not going to die."
Xiao Yan Zi didn't answer, mostly because she didn't want to pour out her heart's feelings about Yong Qi to Xiao Jian of all people. The other reason was that even she could tell Xiao Jian was sounding jealous. Even more reason for not pouring out her heart.
"Why can't you just forget him?"
Xiao Yan Zi whirled around to face him.
"I thought you liked him!" she exclaimed.
"That was before he abandoned you!"
"He didn't aband – "
"Then where is he?" Xiao Jian snapped. "Why isn't he here if he supposedly loves you so much? Face it, Xiao Yan Zi, why would he run after you when he could live in luxury and get any girl he wants?"
Xiao Yan Zi wasn't sure what hurt and angered her more, the accusation that Yong Qi had abandoned her or the implication that she wasn't good enough for Yong Qi, or for any man to fight for.
"And here I was thinking you actually liked me," she spat.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"You clearly think I'm not worth it for anyone to go through any length of trouble for! Why are you here then?"
"That's not what I meant! I meant if he loved you so much, he would have come after you! But clearly he has not and you're still wasting your time – "
"You have no idea!" she shouted. "You have no idea what it's like being trapped in the palace! It took four of us and months of planning and putting everyone we know and love in danger to get Han Xiang out. You have no idea what might be holding him back!"
"It would take more than walls to keep me from you," he said.
Xiao Yan Zi stared at him.
He didn't just say that. Please, he did not just say that. She couldn't deal with this. She didn't want to deal with this, not now when she wasn't sure she would ever get over Yong Qi as it was.
"Don't," she begged.
"Don't what?"
"I really want to be your friend, I really do, so don't ruin it."
"What do you mean?" For some reason, he sounded genuinely confused.
Xiao Yan Zi didn't know how to put what she meant into words in such a way that would not state the fact that she could tell he was in love with her, because if she stated such a fact out in the open, it would just ruin everything. (Xiao Jian was being painfully obvious about his feelings, what with always hovering around her; she could have ignored it at the beginning but couldn't do it anymore.) So she jumped back on the horse and raced back to the inn.
By the time he caught up with her, she refused to continue the conversation they had in the meadow and it sunk into the backdrop of their daily life like a huge pink elephant.