Title: Musings

Author: SassyAngel

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Not mine, ABC Family's

Summary: This one is Stef's musings.

Musings

Unexpected

I never pictured myself with five children. Truthfully, a lot of my life has turned out unexpectedly. I did what I was supposed to do at first, married the man that I met at the police academy and had one child. I didn't think I would have more than that. Between Mike and Brandon, I felt like I had two children already. But slowly, one by one, my life became more and more different. First, I divorced Mike. Then I found the love of my life in Lena. Before I knew it, we'd adopted two more children. And then, once again, she surprised me, as Lena is so apt to do, by bringing in another child – but this one so much more damaged than any of our other children. Then came the next unexpected turn in my life, in that poor, sweet child Jude, including the way he was brought to me with abusive foster fathers and my son having a gun pointed at his head. And here I was, with five children. It's true, Jude and Callie weren't ours officially, but they were in our hearts, just as Lena and I were married in our hearts. Life just keeps on throwing the unexpected.

The last few days have been proof of that. It felt like one unexpected thing after another. First, my twins, the loves who never truly fought, who did nothing but love, protect and bicker with one another, fought with each other like their lives depended on it. Now, Jesus has every right to be angry. Mariana really put herself in a terrible position by drinking underage and then blabbing Lexi and Jesus' secrets to Lexi's parents. She put us all in a bad position with that move. But I don't know how much I can take of the two of them arguing. It broke my heart to hear them argue in a way that sounded like there was no love left between them, even if we all knew, deep down it was still there.

My decision to help Jesus and Lexi has put Lena's job at stake, since Mariana felt the drunken need to share it with the world. I truly have felt like I did the right thing giving Lexi the morning after pill. Do any of us want our children having sex at 15? No. Of course not. But it was too late because it was done. Do any of us want our children to become a parent unexpectedly at the age of 15? No. So I stopped that from happening. Now, perhaps, I went about it the wrong way. I never intended to endanger Lena's job. That's why I gave Lexi the pill in the first place. So Lena wouldn't have to be considered responsible for doing this. But since Mariana couldn't keep her jealousy in check, we're all in trouble for this now. I understand where the Riveras are coming from. They are furious that it happened, furious that they were kept in the dark. I would be furious if I was left out of these decisions. But when you don't keep an open relationship with your children, and you come across as judge, jury, and executioner, children won't tell you things they are afraid to share. I know Jesus tried to keep it a secret, but I think it was more for Lexi than from fear of telling us. I know he considers the topic of sex awkward with us – which is proof positive he is too young to be having it, but I think he would have come clean if Lexi hadn't been so terrified. So he tried to take responsibility for his actions and fix things for her. And I had to help him. I needed our son to know that he can come to us when he needs us.

The Riveras' reaction showed exactly why Lexi was so afraid to tell her parents. They over-reacted. Pulling Lexi out of school, intending to send her away, was more than over-the-top. It's no wonder Lexi felt that she had to escape from them. But it was dangerous. No one could have expected Lexi to run away. She could have been anywhere, hurt and in danger. I was more than shocked to find the Riveras at our door and I can only imagine how much arguing it took to get them both to our door to ask for help. I'm pretty sure we were the last people they wanted to ask for help. They blame us for all that has transpired between Lexi and Jesus. They probably blame us for them planning to send Lexi away. And now that I know they are illegals, I know coming to a cop made it seem even more upsetting. But their fear and terror for their daughter made them come to the one place they knew she might come. They certainly didn't think this situation would occur. I doubt they thought any of this would happen. I will never doubt how much they love their daughter, even if I disagree with some of the things they have decided to do as punishment for Lexi's actions. Lexi is not actually my child, even if it feels like she is, and I certainly have no right in deciding her punishments.

When Jesus, Mariana, and Lexi came in together, for a moment, it felt like they were 9 again, coming in from playing together all day. It was like everything was forgotten for one moment, everyone was friends, everyone was safe, and everyone was relieved. Then Lexi basically blackmailed her parents into staying. Not my business, but I'm fairly certain I've never done anything to make my children want to blackmail me. Maybe I'm not so bad at having five children after all. The Riveras left without much fuss and they left with very few words. Jesus and Mariana were left together in a room, and for the first time in a week, they were quiet. They didn't argue, they didn't yell, they didn't even glare. In fact, I believe I saw Jesus squeeze Mariana's hand. I was beginning to wonder if they would ever make up, but obviously, Lexi's running away repaired many of the problems in their lives. Jesus, Lexi, and Mariana seemed to be talking again. Lexi was apparently staying here and staying at Anchor Beach, and I imagine now that we know what we do about the Riveras, they won't be going to the school board about the morning after pill. I would never condone a child running away, but the results turned out well this time. I couldn't ask for more.

I lay on the couch with Lena, a glass of wine in my hands. My babies were okay again. Jesus and Mariana had repaired their relationship. Jude, the poor, sweet, pitiful child had made a friend apparently. I don't know how anyone could hurt that child. He's so polite, so kind. I have never heard him complain. I have only heard sweetness from his mouth. He helps around the house, he works hard on his schoolwork, and he is so observant. He has so much inside of him that needs to come out. He pays so much attention to everyone around him, that it was time someone pays attention to him. Of course, I never spend as much time with him as I wish I could. Between the job, Lena, and four other children, he only gets a part of my time. But I hope he also knows he is safe here. His eyes were so bright while that boy was here. It was the happiest I have ever seen him. He was working on a school project and he seemed positively excited and hopeful. Jude is such a special kid. I hope I can make him see that. It was so unexpected to see him look like such a normal child, that I hope it will stick around.

Maybe things will calm down now. All five of my children were all right. Now if I just knew where Brandon and Callie were, I could sigh in relief and go to sleep without moving until the morning. But then Brandon and Callie came in the room, the tension so obvious. Callie's face was broken. I don't know how else to describe it. I've seen her upset. I've seen her callous. I've seen her angry. I've even seen moments of her happy, particularly when she had a guitar in her hand. But I've never seen her so completely broken. Brandon was positively stoic. Another first for him. One of the things I love about my beautiful son is that I can read him like a book. He's so expressive at all times that I can tell exactly what he's thinking. That's why I've been worried about him and Callie in the first place. He's positively enamored with her and I only fear for how things will turn out between the two of them. Callie, at least, keeps him at arms' length. However, this was obviously something so much bigger than my fears for the two of them.

Lena and I could both feel the mood of the two. We sat up immediately, bracing ourselves for the next disaster. Apparently five children brought nothing but continual disasters. I wouldn't trade that for anything. We watched them closely and waited. I wanted Callie to know we were ready to listen to whatever it was she had to tell them. She wanted Brandon to stay, even though they didn't touch, it was like she was clinging to him like he was a lifeline. He stood slightly behind her in the chair, his hands hanging to his side; his shoulders drooped with the pain of whatever it was about to happen. It seemed like he was holding her without actually doing it. I've never seen anything like it. He was giving her comfort without touch, without words, and she seemed to be soaking it up without even looking at him. She looked down at her hands and began her story.

As a policewoman, I've heard many of these stories. Often, in reports of rape, if there is a woman cop around, we'll be the ones to listen to it. It seems to calm the girls down talking to another woman. I've heard of rape, abuse, pain, but never when it was my own daughter speaking. I could see a younger Callie, somewhat hardened, being taken advantage of by a much older boy. I could see how she would be afraid to tell, afraid no one would listen. Callie's life has been full of unexpected twists and turns and I can't think of a single one that would be considered a good turn. The parents had jumped to conclusions when they had found her with that boy, and kicked them out of the house, after her innocence had been taken from her. And the fact that he was back, terrorizing her, while repeating his pattern with the newest foster girl was agonizing. I wanted to take my gun and go find him right now.

Of course, I couldn't. I knew that cooler heads must prevail. So instead, I listened to Callie's story, fists clenched, jaw tight, refusing to speak. I didn't want to say anything that might traumatize Callie further. She obviously needed to get this out. I can't believe she hasn't told anyone for two years. To keep something like this inside must have felt like fire and ice fighting for control in her heart and stomach. No wonder she was so bitter and angry all the time.

Brandon sat on the armrest of the chair as the story continued. Callie's body leaned towards his unintentionally, and the space between them was almost non-existent. I was glad that Callie felt Brandon would keep her safe. Even if I worried that something might happen between them, it was obvious that the only reason we were even hearing this story was because she had opened up to Brandon. And as long as this comfort thing continued with no touching, I couldn't argue with it. I felt Lena shuddering next to me and I knew it was from tears. She was so kind-hearted, she took others pain as her own. That's why she kept bringing home the stray children to us. I reached for her hand, finally unclenching my fist, and waited for the story to end. My mind started processing what we would do next. We'd tell Bill. We would ensure that she could stay here despite the other flags that would be put in her file. Between this and her juvenile records, it was unlikely anyone would want to adopt her. She and Jude could not be separated. She and Jude would stay with us. Maybe we would even adopt them. If this would stop them from getting a permanent home, so be it. We would become that. This had to be reported. It had to stop. I could never do anything to make Callie regret coming clean to us. We'd file a police report tomorrow. And Mike and I will go arrest this bastard and put him away for quite some time.

But until then, we will hug Callie and love her. We will allow her to cry and feel all the feelings she's been afraid of. And when she's ready, she can go upstairs, to her bedroom, knowing that she is safe in this home, safe with me, Lena, Brandon, safe with Jesus and Mariana, that Jude is safe here and she will never have to worry about these horrible unexpected life issues again as long as she lived in this house and if she did, we would be there to help her with them.

I never thought I would have five children. I never imagined all of the differences in personality, the insanity of daily life they would bring. I never expected my life to be turned upside down by one woman and five children. But there is not a single hour of the day I would trade.