"I'm going to overlook the fact that you blabbed to the Almighty" Crowley reasoned from the other end of the line "If and when you decide to let me know in which way Her most holy boot is directed"
"Believe me, Crowley, if I knew that you'd already know. I mean..." Aziraphale trailed off, a nasty thought furrowing his brow.
"What? Any bright ideas would be greatly appreciated"
"I mean... She could just... move you to Earth"
"Earth?!" Aziraphale moved the reciever away from his ear so as to not be deafened by this exclamation.
"Let the Almighty know that I'd rather be kicked to death by a haddock." And with that Crowley slammed down the reciever, and Aziraphale couldn't really blame him.
Earth - although still in it's prototype stage, wasn't exactly any Angel's dream holiday location. All fire and brimstone, the torched, barren landscape was in no way suitable for these humans that God keeps going on about - clearly this was just a learning experience for God and She would scrap it and progress onto more... sophisticated ventures.
"For... Pete's sake" Aziraphale said with exasperation "It's not like he deserves anything less than" he wrinkled his nose "Earth"
If Crowley knew where he was actually destined to be sent, he would have thought that Earth looked like a liquor shop on Black Friday.
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Crowley entered his base of operations (most would call it an office, but Crowley wasn't most people) and officially the most dingy room in Heaven, with only seven windows in it. Crowley's role in the ineffable plan, unlike the majority of Angels, had nothing at all to do with the impending Beginning-ing, but was instead the closest to Evil that Heaven would allow within it's walls - Crowley was on the loan approval committee. Angels would knock on his door, take a seat in The Chair, and pitch a business venture to the committee (The last Angel had been as wet as an otter's pocket and had requested a small fortune so he could invent something called democracy - it had sounded like a tremendous waste of time so Crowley had sent him packing).
To be perfectly candid, both aspects of his job description were in fact incorrect, since he is the sole chairperson, secretary, treasury and member of the committee, and there was no actual approving of loans going on (but lots of begging and declining so Crowley got along just fine).
Crowley let out a withering groan as he collapsed into his desk chair. "You're out of your depth" He declared to the room in general, and the windows gave him a sympathetic look "It was all well and good a few months ago, easy enough to have a nice old fashioned moan, but now..." He breathed out heavily through his nose, and put his head in his hands, elbows supported on his very sensibly sized desk. "Now you've gone and buggered yourself, haven't you" Crowley raised his eyes to the small wilted pot plant on his desk, something Aziraphale had said had given him an idea. He wrenched it up and brought it very close to his face "I" He spat "am going for a walk and you" The Angel ripped off a leaf "are going to stop that wilting business whilst I'm away aren't you? Because" he brandished the leaf violently "there is a lot more where that came from" Crowley dropped the shaking plant down on his desk, and with a menacing stare, took off out of the door.
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"So let me get this straight" The purple eyed Angel said witheringly, pinching the bridge of his nose "You would like to go-" he gazed down at the papers in front of him "down to Earth?! For an..." he skimmed the stack of papers again "exploratory visit"
"Yes, Gabriel, I did sort of explain this to you earlier," Crowley said irritably "but I suppose you wish to nit-pick the finer details for dramatic effect" the Angel gave a disingenuous smile to the Archangel who was fixing him with a steely glare.
"What could you possibly wish to do down there? It's a stinking pit of sulphur and molten lava, rea-"
"I know all about the sulphur and the molten lava it's all the Almighty ever goes on about" Crowley cut Gabriel off "and do you know what I think? I've eaten appetisers with a less appealing description than that so I really don't see what all the fuss is about"
Gabriel leaned back in his chair, weighing up his options. On the one hand, if he were to let the Angel down there he would likely be permanently discorperated, and the thought of this cheered him up immensely, although there would be so much paperwork - Heaven was so uptight about administration that it was said that one could wander into the Almighty's file cabinet and simply never return.
"Alright, Crowley, you can go" the Archangel exhaled at last, leaning forward on his desk suddenly so he was face to face with Crowley, who didn't flinch at their proximity "as long as that means I never see your face again" he spat, purple eyes fixed on the dark ones before him.
"Oh come on, your Holiness" Crowley smirked, having forgotten to blink quite a while ago "I don't think for one second you wouldn't miss me" he backed away slightly and winked "deep down" and with this the shorter Angel spun on his heel and marched out of the office, one destination in mind.
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"Absolutely not!" Aziraphale exclaimed, regarding the Angel who was leaning almost flat against the unholy desk "it's a stinking p-"
"Stinking pit of sulphur and molten lava, I know" Crowley rolled his eyes "but better there than wherever the hell" he pointed violently upwards "is going to send the lot of us"
"I won't let you, it's far too dangerous" he said, his brow creasing into it's usual anxious expression as he stood up.
"C'mon Aziraphale, face facts" Crowley, who couldn't be bothered to trek around the entire desk, snapped his fingers and walked straight through it to face the worried Angel. "If I stay and fight in the rebellion then" he pointed again to the ceiling "will kill me, if I stay but don't fight in the rebellion then Lucifer will kill me, but if I go down to Earth and wait it out then..."
"The sulphur and molten lava will kill you" Aziraphale finished for him, desperately thinking of a way to save his friend.
"Might" Crowley stated matter-of-factly "might kill me"
"Oh for... Heaven's sake" Aziraphale placed his head in his hands and breathed heavily, and Crowley was very grateful that heart attacks hadn't been invented yet.
"It'll be fine, Angel, I'll be fine"
"No." Aziraphale said suddenly, lifting his head to stare at the other Angel. "It won't be fine. Not when you're gone, Crowley, they'll want to make and example of the lot of you. Don't you ever stop to think how your actions affect other people?" He took a step closer and his voice gained intensity "affect me?"
"Nah, you'll be fine, Aziraphale" Crowley said angrily, "it's me who's going to be shipped off to kingdom come! Everything's just about you, isn't it Angel?"
"You know that's not what I mean" Aziraphale blurted out, clearly wounded by his words as he faced out to the window, which took up the entire wall, to hide his emotion "I... I just..."
"What is it?" Crowley said, still annoyed.
"You have no idea what it's like when you're not here" he spoke, much quieter than Crowley's harsh tone. "It's so... quiet... and depressing"
Crowley looked suitably admonished at this, and met Aziraphale's eyes sombrely.
"Can't be that ba-"
"You have no idea, Crowley, have you ever tried to make small talk with Angels? I swear the only way I can guarantee intelligent conversation around here is to talk to... to the wall!" Aziraphale continued, his volume and speed increasing "they're all just stuck up busybodies who further their own causes under the guise of the ineffable plan, they have no respect for themselves or each other and sometimes I just get so..." he trailed off "lonely"
"That" Crowley turned to look out at the expanses of Heaven "sounds like someone Lucifer would come out with"
"No, Crowley" Aziraphale said exasperatedly, stepping towards the other Angel so that their shoulders were touching "I just can't join you, you know I can't"
"Can't think why I expected anything different" Crowley spoke slowly, meeting Aziraphale's eyes for a long moment before he strode off, snapping his fingers as he walked through the behemoth of a desk. "I'm off to Earth, Angel. Would invite you but couldn't disrupt the ineffable plan." He called maliciously before he slammed the door, which was quite shocked, having been accustomed to the polite touch of Aziraphale's faultlessly manicured hands.
Crowley stormed out of the office block an excruciatingly long elevator ride later, and melded seamlessly into the throng of Angels all hurrying about to their post-lunch meetings (an Angel's schedule regularly being so packed that they must factor in extra meals to accommodate it). He then traced the familiar route through the towering blocks to his own grotty building.
As he continued left right right left straight left, the masses eventually became crowds, then gaggles, then pedestrians, with the number dwindling further until it was just him, weaving deeper and darker between shorter and shorter buildings. Finally, Crowley approached his office, his temper cooled somewhat and the start of what felt like remorse creeping into his consciousness. He was so engrossed in thought that he failed to notice something that would make even the most naive Angel a tad suspicious, and Crowley would think that the trees were plotting against him if one of them looked at him oddly. The door at the end of the narrow alleyway approaching Crowley's office was slightly ajar, and a narrow sliver of silver light cut into the shadowy alley.
It was only when the Angel reached out to turn the door handle did he realise something was wrong - very wrong. Crowley never forgot to lock up, it was to avoid the occupational hazards of being one of the most hated beings in Heaven (well, strongly disliked).
"Oh shi-" Crowley began before he felt a sickening blow strike his right temple, plunging his world into blackness. His kidnappers would later converse, sharing in the quite peculiar phrase their hostage repeated in his sleep. They were kidnappers so they were very much versed in the usual mutterings "mummy", "ow" and "ngth" being amongst the most common, but this one was unlike anything they'd ever heard.
Again and again, over and over, the Angel would just say "Ziraphale... Aziraphale... ziraphale"