The next day in math, I sat at the very front. All the other seats were taken and Axel and Demyx weren't even looking at me, even though I turned to face them several times.
I wrote on a piece of paper, "I'm sorry" And I didn't expect that to be good enough, but somehow, I hoped that it would help. When Luxord ended the class a couple minutes early, I waited for everyone to leave before Demyx and Axel started heading towards the door. I held the paper out in front of Demyx, who took it curiously. He read it and sighed.
"Me too. We shouldn't ignore you if you want to hang out with us. I'm sorry." He said with a small smile and I nodded sorrowfully, as if to say that I'm sorry too.
"Just hug and get it over with." Axel smirked and Demyx blushed.
"Can I hug you?" He asked, and for the first time in who remembers how long, I felt a slight tingle go down my chest as I nodded and watched as he stepped closer to me.
His arms opened and I stepped into the gap, surprisingly desperate to feel his warm body. His clothes smelled nice as he wrapped his arms around me, not too tight, but just enough to leave me longing for more. Shit, now I was longing for him. But damn did he feel comfortable. His sweater was thick and cozy and I wanted so badly to snuggle my face up to it. I slowly let my cheek fall to his shoulder as I inhaled deeply. I hadn't been hugged in years. Years. Literally. And then, to my complete and utter surprise, I started to sniffle.
"Dem, hang on." Axel pulled me back from Demyx and I hid my face in my arms.
"Zexion, are you ok?" Demyx put a hand on my shoulder and I used my long sleeves to wipe my silent tears.
I nodded, about to turn away when Demyx pulled me in for another hug.
Why? Why was I crying? Why did he even care? Why is my heart beating louder than usual? Why is my head all light and airy? Why cant I control what my body is doing? With each question, I began to cry more and more, even to where small tiny whimpers were heard.
"Shh, it's ok Zexion." Demyx rubbed my back and his warm, strong hand relaxed me almost too much. I inhaled deeply, then exhaled loudly. I just, I couldn't help it. He was warm. He was strong, yet soft. His touch made me silently beg for more and I yearned for his warmth and security.
"It's alright, we're all here now." Axel joined the hug and put his hand on my back where Demyx's hand wasn't already.
"And we'll always be here." Demyx pushed me away to smile into my eyes. I nodded before Axel broke the tension.
"Come on, we have to get to class."
I followed Axel while Demyx headed to his English class, missing him already. The small tears stopped and I shook my head, angry at myself.
What the fuck was wrong with me? I don't cry….not in front of people! If anything, I'll allow silent tears to fall as I sleep, but even then, I refuse to acknowledge that I cry. Ugh, I cant believe I just did that. They probably think I'm weak now; some helpless emo freak. That's what I've always been seen as.
"You miss him, don't you?" Axel asked as he and I began our lab. Before I could even try to lie to myself, I nodded. "Are you gay?" he asked so easily. Back in my old school, I if were to reveal the truth, I'd get my ass kicked. But with Axel, there was something there about him that didn't feel scary. I nodded slowly.
"We are too, so don't worry." He smiled before he added some chemical to our liquid mix at our lab station. I put a hand up, to tell him to stop, but he grinned like a mad scientist and added more. Next thing we knew, it blew up in our faces. We coughed the grey smoke away before Vexen excused us to the bathroom so we could clean the black solution off our faces.
"Sorry about that." Axel winced as I grumpily trudged to the bathroom with him beside me. I glared at him. "I usually know what I'm doing, but I cant help it." He shrugged and I rolled my eyes. We bent over the sink to rinse the smudge off of our faces when Demyx walked in.
"Hey, another science experiment gone wrong?" he laughed, which led me to assume that Axel does this more often than not.
"It was worth it." Axel smirked.
"Here, you forgot some." Demyx smiled as he stood before me, licked his thumb, and wiped my chin. "Better." He smiled so sweetly, I had to look away.
"Aww, he's blushing!" Axel teased and I rushed a hand to my cheek; it was warm.
"He is so cute!" Demyx took my hands in his and squeezed them.
"He said that he missed you in Chem. Well, I asked and he nodded." Axel said and I looked away again.
"You missed me?" Demyx asked and I nodded.
""He's gay too." Axel patted my back and I could feel my face flushing.
"So who's your lucky boyfriend?" Demyx batted his thick eyelashes and I shook my head. He looked at me real seriously and it made my heart pound louder. "You know, if you talked and allowed people to get to know you, I'd bet you'd find someone real fast." He smiled cheaply and dropped my hands. "I got to go back to class. See ya!" He grabbed a handful of paper towels and then left as I stood there. What was this feeling of sorrow?
"When was the last time you talked? Weeks?" Axel asked and I shook my head. "Months?" I nodded and held up four fingers. "Holy shit!" He shook his head and I felt low. I felt stupid. I felt like the failure I've been told that I am. "I bet if you said his name, you'd make him smile so wide, he'd cry." Axel shrugged and started walking off. I felt guilty that I'd never be able to give Demyx that happiness, but we're just friends. Who wants to date a mute like me? Who wants to date anyone who's anything close to what I am? A mess. A fail.
Axel and I went back to class to clean up our station and finished just before the bell rang. Vexen handed us our homework sheet and I rushed to the music room. Why was I rushing? My legs were moving faster than I thought I cared, but at the same time, I couldn't stop. I wanted so badly to be near him, near that smile. At first I thought that I'd end up hating him for it, but now I see that Demyx's smile is the only bit of comfort that I like…the only comfort that I have.
I went into the backroom and started playing the same few chords that I knew. I was up to five now, and Demyx and I somehow made up meanings for each chord. G meant 'no', C meant 'yes', D meant 'I don't know', E major meant 'I wish', and A minor translated as 'I agree'. If I played G before anything else, it negated that next chord. So G then A meant I don't agree. If I strummed all six strings without any chord, it meant that I either didn't want to say or couldn't answer with the few chords I had. So far, it was working really well.
"Does your mom work a lot?" Demyx and I spent the whole week in music class getting to know each other more, but he could only ask yes or no questions. After he'd ask me, I'd tilt my head as if to ask it back to him, and he answered in plain English.
I strummed G.
"Does she work at all?"
I strummed G.
"Does your dad work?" He asked and again I strummed G.
"Do you live with your parents?" I strummed G and he started naming off relative titles until I strummed C.
"So you live with your aunt and uncle and your grandma?" I strummed C.
"Do you miss your parents?" He asked real quietly. I strummed D. I really didn't know. I hardly remember my dad and my mom was never great enough to be missed, but I sometimes wonder what it'd be like if I still had both of them in my lives.
"Where are they?" He asked. I strummed D. I didn't really know exactly where the rehab was that my mom was in, and as for my dad, no one knew for sure, although I had my own guess.
"Do you like living with your aunt and uncle?" He asked and I strummed G. I wouldn't mind if they had noticed me when I first came to live with them, but whenever I had to stay with them before in the past 17 year I've been alive, I was never important enough to matter.
"What about your grandma?" I strummed C. I knew that when the time comes for her, I'll be sad. Until then, I'll just stay in denial that that time is nearing.
"Well that's good." He smiled but I shook my head. "Why not?" I pretended to cough and he guessed it. "She's sick?" I strummed C, yes.
"I'm sorry." He said and I strummed that I agreed, A minor.
"Do you want to go to college once we graduate?" he asked and I strummed D. I was being honest; I really didn't know because I never thought that I'd survive this long. I've been a long time cutter and I've tried to OverDose on pills a couple times before. Every time I'd have to go to a hospital and then therapy, but somehow I never got the help that I truly needed. By now I was too far beyond help.
"Do you know what you'd want to study if you went?" He asked and I strummed C. "Science?" He guessed and I nodded. He knew me well.
"I know you can do it." He smiled and I looked away. His smile is too good for my eyes. It's like I don't want to look away, but I'm afraid that if I stare too hard, I'll go blind or something. That, or I'll end up smiling too and I'll look like a dumbass. I don't remember what my smile looks like, but I guess that doesn't even matter since I don't smile ever.
"Can I ask you a question?" He really is funny. Isn't that what we've been doing all class? And isn't that in itself a question? Nevertheless, I played C.
"Why do you look away when I talk to you?" He scooted closer to me and I strummed D. I really couldn't come up with one reason. Part of it was because I think I get…nervous….around him. Another part of me is in denial of it, because I don't allow myself to feel. But then again, why is it that my heart beats faster and my palms get sweaty when he's around?
"Do I make you uncomfortable?" He asked and I strummed G multiple times, as if to prove that he really doesn't. He smiled. "Good." I strummed A minor, I agreed.
"Do you like spending time with Axel and me?" I strummed C. I really did enjoy their company. If I had a sense of humor, I'd probably laugh at half the stuff they did. I just don't remember how.
"You should hang out with us after school, if you want." Demyx shrugged and I nodded quickly.
"Really? Good. Well, there's the bell. Let's get going." Demyx helped me up and we walked to the locker room.
Now that I know that he likes me, it's even harder not to stare at him. I always wear my original shirt under the P.E. shirt and I led Axel and Demyx to think that I was one of those kids who gets unhealthily cold, which led coach Lexaeus to believe it too. Either way, I got to keep my shirt on and no one ever had a chance to see all the cuts, burns, and bruises I have.
"Would you get mad?" Demyx asked Axel as I trailed behind. They were whispering back and forth to each other and I grew suspicious.
"Don't. You. Dare." Axel stopped dead in the middle of the track during our first rotation.
"ROXAS!" Demyx shouted and then took off running. Axel took off after them, both sprinting as I walked slowly, trying to figure out what happened. Demyx sped as fast as he can and when he came around to lap me, he stopped quickly and grabbed onto my shoulders.
"Save me!" He begged as I turned to see Axel charging after us. I guarded my face with my arms as Axel pushed Demyx and the two fought. They were laughing though, and I didn't really understand what was going on.
"He didn't even notice!" Demyx laughed, still panting.
"You dick!" Axel shoved him playfully. I raised an eyebrow.
"Axel has a HUGE crush on Roxas." Demyx said, facing me just as Axel was.
"I do not! I just, I think he's cute." Axel shrugged and then I looked down and saw a pair of shoes hiding behind Axel's and Demyx's. I pointed and Axel looked down, turned around, looked up, and froze.
"You think I'm cute?" Some short blonde boy asked and Axel stammered.
"Well I said that, um, you see, I guess what it really is, is uh, um," He looked around and Demyx put his hand on my shoulder.
"Just tell him." Demyx smiled and Roxas blushed as Axel cleared his throat.
"I like you." Axel smiled and Roxas' face lit up.
"Really?"
"Yeah. You're short stories and poems in English are amazing and you're cute and you just seem like a great guy." Axel shrugged. "I'd really like to get to know you."
"Me too Axe. I think you're a great guy, and you're so smart in chemistry." The blonde, Roxas, smiled before he looked to me. "Who's your friend?"
"Oh, this is Zexion." Demyx said for me. "He doesn't talk, but he's a real cool kid." Demyx smiled and I nodded my thanks with a straight face. I wanted to smile, but I refuse to allow myself to get soft again. Once you go soft, the next step is going hurt.
"Nice to meet you." He smiled and I nodded.
"Can we talk?" Axel asked Roxas, who nodded, and the two walked off side by side down the track.
"They look so cute together." Demyx smiled brightly. "I cant wait till I find my one. Someone whose hand I can hold. Someone to hug when I need one." Demyx hugged himself and already I was jealous of his own arms. I wanted to want him. No, I do want him, right? I miss him when he's gone. I hate going home from school because I want to spend more time with him. And whenever I'm not with him, he's all that's on my mind. I stopped walking. So, do I like him back just because he likes me? I guess I've always enjoyed his company, even before Axel told me that he liked me. But what if he doesn't like me the way I think he does? Axel told me that Demyx likes me but that can mean a lot of things.
"Zexion? You ok?" Demyx asked and I nodded.
"What are you thinking about?" He walked right up to me and with my entire self in a vulnerable state, I pointed to him.
"You're thinking about me?" He asked and I nodded.
"Aww, you're so sweet." He blushed and I did too. Dammit! Why is he so cute? Why does he have to be so…amazing? He's the first real friend I've ever had. And he's the only one who cared enough to give me a chance no matter what. He's perfect.
"You're blushing." He smiled and I looked away. I needed to fix this. I needed to find a way to get rid of these feelings for him. But…do I have to? Do I have to make myself more alone than I already am?
Author's Note: Ok so that's it for the second chapter. It goes by pretty fast and I apologize for that. I'm taking 2 extra classes so I am extremely limited in time and honestly I really don't know how I'm able to write or post. So yeah, it' will pick up really quickly really soon, so prepare for the drama and intensity!
To Myfishy3: I'm glad that you found it addicting, especially when it was just one chapter in! I'm hoping that you continue to read because trust me, there will be more addictions on the way ;P
To kindofbadger: Awesome! Thanks for reading and I hope you like it as it progresses! My heart aches for him too, but its nowhere near over in the amount of drama I'm about to add to his life…."I'm sorry Zexion!" lol I king of am forcing myself to write this, at least that's how I started. I just started writing it the day I posted it, and I've never done that before. So I'm posting the chapters the day that I'm writing them and it gets a little hard for time and all, but I just have a strong need to write it write now. My b-day is coming up extremely soon and when it hits, it'll be a whole year since I cut myself. Not too proud of that, but at the same time, I kind of am. So yea, that's what led me to write this. I appreciate you reading it ^_^
To Shadowridge: Slow and steady wins the race lol. Don't worry, it's going to pick up really fast.