It was a known fact between them all that the mansion Fenris called home wasn't really his. Perhaps that is why all of them never bothered with a courtesy of a knock when they came by. Fenris was used to it by now, having spent quite a bit of time with Hawke's companions, so he wasn't too alarmed when he heard the front door open. Still, he stuck to the shadows, grabbing his broad sword on the way out of the bedroom and down the stairs.
"Elf, you here?" He heard Varrics call and came out from the shadows. "Good to see you too," Varric joked as he noticed Fenris' defensive stance and weapon in hand. Fenris said nothing, but relaxed a bit when he realized Varric had come alone. "You don't seem surprised to see me," the dwarf said. "I take it she's here?"
Fenris nodded. As he closed the front door he noticed morning had arrived, and realized he must have fallen asleep after all. He gestured for Varric to follow him into the kitchen. "She is. Upstairs asleep," he confirmed.
Varric let out a sigh of relief. "Thank the ancestors for that. No one has seen her since we got back."
Fenris looked at him curiously, "how long have you been back?"
"Three days," Varric said, dusting off the cabinet before leaning against it.
Fenris released a quiet growl as he glowered at the dwarf. "I do not know why you left at all, given the condition she was in when I found her."
Varric noticed the tension in Fenris' mood, and the anger. "She said she was okay and going home. Made it quite clear she didn't want us around. She wasn't in the mood to argue so we let her be."
Fenris began to pace the kitchen. "She has not gone home," he said angrily.
"Shit," Varric said quietly. He studied Fenris' face. "She tell you what happened?"
Fenris shook his head. "I do not think she even knows where she is. She was," he paused, kicking at some of the dirt on the floor, "barely functioning when I found her."
Varric sighed. "I knew we shouldn't have left her," he said sullenly.
"No, you shouldn't have," Fenris growled through his teeth. "She is lucky I found her and not one of the numerous people that want her dead."
"Come on elf, you know what she's like when she's made up her mind. There was no way she was going to let us stick around and follow her. What did you want us to do, hold her down and force her to face reality?" Fenris continued to growl and curse under his breath in anger. "I mean it, we tried, she wasn't having it."
Fenris looked at Varric and saw the honesty in his eyes. He softened a bit. "It doesn't matter. What happened? I take it things did not go as planned?"
Now it was Varrics turn to be angry. "Carver is dead. Darkspawn taint got him. She had to kill him."
Fenris shook his head. "Worse than I imagined then. The mage couldn't help him?"
Varric sighed. "No, we tried. She stayed with her brother while we tried to find the Grey Wardens that were supposed to be down there. Anders said they were Carvers only hope. But they were gone, and by the time we got back she had already put Carver out of his misery." He stared at the wall. "She wasn't the same after that."
"I have noticed," Fenris said flatly. He paced as he spoke. "Anything else happen?"
"Well," Varric chuckled, "my good for nothing brother abandoned us there. Tried to lock us away to keep the fortune for himself. In doing so though we found a lot more on the way out. The trip itself wasn't wasted. Hawke has plenty of gold coming her way."
"I'm sure that will replace her dead brother," Fenris said bitterly. Varric opened his mouth to respond, but thought better of it given Fenris' obvious mood.
Fenris thought for a few moments. So they found their fortune. She would be moving up in the city ranks soon, reclaim her family's estate and live among the nobles. Hardly a lifestyle that has room for a former slave. "So what now," he asked Varric.
"We're laying low. I'm trying to see if I can get a lead on Bartrand and some buyers for the items we found. We also don't want her mother finding out we're back before she talks to her."
Fenris agreed. "Good idea. She will remain here until she is ready."
Varric nodded. "I'll let the others know she's safe. You know where to find me," he said as he walked towards the front door. "Take care of her elf."
"I will," he said coldly as he shut the door after he left and locked it.
Fenris returned to the bedroom where Hawke was still sound asleep. He watched her sleep for a time before he himself drifted away. He had restless dreams of the torture he endured as a slave. Often the same dream, visions of being awake as the lyrium was branded into his skin. It was the reason he barely got sleep each night, as the memory of the pain woke him every time. He thought he cried out in his sleep as he woke in a cold sweat, but as he opened his eyes he realized it was her that was crying.
He knelt on the floor and stroked her hair causing her to wake from whatever nightmare she was having. He could only imagine what it was given what he had just learned she had been through. She stirred at his touch and whispered his name. The soft way she called to him pulled at his heart. "I am here," he said softly as she fell back into her dreams. He stayed with her for a bit longer until he knew she was okay and returned back to the chair where he too fell back asleep.
Hawke woke up a few hours later. She opened her eyes, not sure at first where she was, and saw Fenris asleep in the chair next to the bed. She smiled inwardly and watched him simply breath.
She remembered all he had done for her the night before, an embarrassed flush coming to her cheeks as she recalled the bath. He was so tender and loving and patient. She hadn't expected it, wasn't sure how to show him how much she needed and appreciated him. Lost in thought she didn't realize he was now awake and looking back at her. He gave a sideward smirk like he does. "Morning," he said as he moved his neck to losen whatever stifness had settled in.
She didn't respond but smiled at him, not able to divert her eyes. He leaned forward closer to her. "Sleep well?"
Hawke nodded. "Amazing how good a bed feels after weeks of stone."
Fenris nodded in agreement. "That I can sympathise with." He got up and stretched some more, then held out his hand. "Come," he ordered her again.
She shied away from him this time, pulling the blanket over her head. She mumbled something in protest and he laughed, pulling the covers off the bed. "I will not have you wasting away in my bed Hawke. Let's go."
She huffed but took his hand and he helped her up. He smiled inwardly at her morning dawdling and led her downstairs. "Hungry?" he asked.
She nodded, still a bit tired and worked on the sleep in her eyes. "My turn," she mumbled as she moved past him to the kitchen to find something for them to eat.
"As you wish," he said going to the fire to get it ready for her. As she began pulling out things she needed, he finished with the fire and began boiling water. "I'll wash up first."
She muttered something in acceptance, still waking up and trying to decide what to make.
By the time he returned she had breakfast ready for them and they ate in relative silence. When he was finished, he complimented her on her cooking skills and she took her turn washing up for the day.
They met again by the fire and she sat across from him. He took the opportunity to let her know that he knew what had happened. "I am sorry about your brother Hawke," he stated. She looked at him in surprise. "Varric stopped by," he said in response to her unanswered question.
She turned away from him and stared off into the fire. "Thank you," she whispered.
She heard him get up and could instantly feel the change in his mood. "I should have been there," he said angrily. "I would have taken this burden from you, done something to try and ease this pain."
"There's nothing you could've done Fenris," she said softly, and he knew by the tone in her voice she held all the guilt.
He paced some more. "I never would have let you do it. Someone should have done it for you. I should have been there," he said again, only quieter.
"If you were there he wouldn't have been," she managed to say. "I didn't want you there."
He processed what she said, turmoil building inside him. After a few minutes of silence he went to her, kneeling before her. "I need to know Hawke," he said placing his hands on her knees. "Do you regret me being here instead of him? I know it was a last minute decision to take him instead of me."
She looked into his green eyes and placed her hands gently on his. "I didn't take you because this is what I feared," she said after some time. "I wanted you safe." He looked away, feeling the softness of her hand on his. She reached out to him to remove the hair from his eyes as he looked down. "I do not regret that I am here, that you are with me, and you are safe."
He pulled away from her and stood up, pacing again. She didn't know what to do for him, how to convince him. Any normal person she'd grab and kiss and prove her feelings. But she knew she couldn't do that with him. She tried to find a way to tell him, make him understand. "We started something before the expedition. All I know is my burdens and regrets would be worse if you were not here. I miss my brother terribly and still can not believe he is gone. But I do not know if I could have survived without you."
His guilt now weighed heavily in him. She wants a life with him, but he does not think he can give it to her. She has made this huge personal sacrifice for him, and he does not feel worthy of it. Anger and frustration filled him again as he paced. He was upset with himself for not being normal, not being able to have a normal life, or remember any life before his markings. He knew how he felt about her, but here she was telling him how she felt about him, and instead of happiness, he can only feel despair.
"You're making me dizzy," she said after several minutes of watching him.
He stopped, looked at her, and had to laugh. He wondered if he worried about these things for no reason. He held out a hand to her. "Come," he demanded.
She sighed but took his hand, allowing him to lead her until the basement. He opened a door to a wine cellar. "Take whatever you like," he said opening the cabinets. "We will face the world tomorrow."
Hawke smiled at him. "I like the way you think." She selected two bottles and he did the same, and they made their way back up the stairs.
She went towards the kitchen for glasses, but he held her arm. "Better from the bottle," he said, and she shook her head.
"I swear you are my soul mate Fenris," she said as they walked back to the living room. "Now if I could just get into it."
"Here, let me," he said. She handed him the bottle and looked at him curiously. "Watch," he said with a daring smirk. She watched as the markings on his skin began to glow a soft blue. She had seen it happen during battle, but was never able to take it all in. He carefully put his hand through the top of the bottle and pulled the cork out with his hand. He handed her the bottle back.
"That is amazing," she said softly. "And so beautiful."
He did his bottle the same and the markings dimmed to darkness when he was finished. "Beautiful is not how I ever imagined it being described."
"I'm sorry," she said quietly, realizing they were headed to a topic they had never discussed. "But since we are not in battle and I can see it clearly? It is beautiful." She paused, gathering the courage to continue. "Do they still hurt," she asked.
Fenris took a long sip from his wine, having not been prepared for this conversation so early in the day they'd spend together. "It does not hurt when I use them," he stated, not wanting to elaborate on her obvious unspoken questions.
"Okay," she said. "We'll get back to this when we're on bottle two." She winked at him and he had to laugh. She was starting to get him, and use it against him, and for a minute he wondered if that was really such a bad thing.
"Will we," he said defiantly as he drank some more. "Just what are you planning in that head of yours Hawke? A day of drink and interrogation?" She smiled at him, enjoying the banter that she had missed the last month. "Your smile will not get you out of trouble today woman."
"Oh, is it trouble I am seeking?" She teased him, he knew it, but given her changed mood from yesterday, he didn't fight her on it. If making him slightly uncomfortable helped her take her mind off things, he was willing.
"Perhaps we should take turns asking questions," he suggested, feeling a bit daring himself after half his bottle was gone. "I imagine there is still a lot we should learn about each other. And we have the time and plenty of wine."
Hawke laughed her sweet laugh that melted his heart. He thought after yesterday he'd never hear it again, and resisted all desires to kiss her right then and there. "You are very brave Fenris to suggest such a thing. But I'm in. Let the games begin."