A/N: I'm sorry this took so long to finish! But here it is, and I hope you like it!
Kylo knew better than to hope for a better tomorrow. He'd done so more times than he could count, and he'd been failed in that regard just as many times.
But when he was with Rey, the hope he hated so much seemed to swallow him whole.
He'd tried in vain to shove it down on multiple occasions. The connection you have is fleeting, he'd tried to tell himself. If you get attached, you'll only be disappointed. She'll soon realize that you aren't worth her time and things will go back to the way they were; a bitter war with the two of you standing separated on either side. That is the reality.
His attempts were useless. The awful feeling of hope had sunk its claws into his very soul, and try as he might, he couldn't manage to dig them out. He'd decided long ago to give up trying. It seemed the more he attempted to wrest free from its clutches, the tighter it held him.
Until those moments when she'd finally managed to dash any hope he might've had left.
She'd gutted him. Turned him inside out and left him reeling, his world spinning on its head. It had been just like he'd tried to convince himself it would be. She'd thought herself above his requests, his company, and she'd turned and left him in ruin, just like everyone else he'd ever bothered putting his trust in. She'd abandoned him for her own gain, just as the others had. He'd wanted her to be different. Believed her to be. She'd said she'd stay. Promised she'd help him. He'd trusted her to, stupidly. But she was no different from the others, and Kylo berated himself constantly for believing otherwise.
It didn't stop her from showing up when he least expected it. Again and again. She seemed to be everywhere he looked. Usually, she ignored him altogether. She wouldn't even turn to look at him, much less say anything in his direction. Recently, however, she'd begun to acknowledge him, and whenever she did, she had pain painted in her eyes, playing across her features. It confused Kylo. Angered him. What loss had she suffered in that fight? What gave her the right to feel that way? He'd walked away from that fight with nothing. No one. Snoke was gone, Skywalker had long since been removed from his life, and Rey had turned and gone the other way. She'd left with so much still on her side that her losses weren't even worth considering.
For the first time in a long time, Kylo was completely alone. Not even Snoke could tell him what to do. He had to make decisions on his own, but how? He wasn't sure about anything anymore. Not even Rey. There had been a time not too long ago when she'd been the only thing he was sure of. The only thing he thought he could count on to be there for him. But after what she'd done, he was certain that she'd cared less about him than the desert planet she'd once called home.
Despite that, he couldn't help but want her to care. He couldn't help but long for her attention, her approval. It was his real weakness, he'd decided. Not the Light in him, not the Dark. His need to be loved. His need to be wanted. It was his greatest weakness, the thing that he had to overcome if he wanted to be strong. But Kylo didn't know if he had any desire to be strong anymore. He just wanted to be alright.
Kylo sunk lower in his throne, sighing. He knew he was failing. Miserably. He knew he was doing a calamitous job of leading the regime he'd once supported so staunchly, and he knew that its supporters far from supported him. They believed that he was too unstable to lead effectively. He didn't disagree with them. But he didn't care either. That was another truth he'd discovered in the past couple of weeks.
He did not care. Not one bit. About any of it.
There was nothing in this fight for him. Not anymore. He knew that if he tried, he probably had the power to stop it. But why bother? Even if he did stop everything, neither side would thank him. Neither side would care about him at all. Best to sit idly by and watch them destroy each other as they were bound to do eventually, anyway. Best to take advantage of the relative security his position offered him while he still had it. If Hux had any say, he'd be removed from his post soon enough. Especially if Hux found out that he'd…
A flicker of movement caught his eye from across the room. Kylo blinked hard. Surely, it wasn't who he thought it was. Who he hoped it was. It had been only a few days since their last encounter, the first time she'd spoken to him since Supremacy.
She'd seen right through him. Read him like an open book. As much as he wanted to be infuriated by her boldness, he couldn't help but be fascinated by her ability to read him so easily, so flawlessly. And a part of him, however small, wanted her to read into his pain. He wanted her to see how badly he was hurting, wanted her to know it was partially her fault.
"Rey?" he mumbled when something flickered again.
She materialized on the floor in front of him, on her knees, as if saying her name had summoned her completely. She looked surprised for a moment, sitting back on her heels, before her face fell. She sighed. "I need a minute, okay? Just a second to think about some things."
Kylo opened his mouth to respond defensively, but she turned her head as if watching some imaginary figure walk out of the room. He realized suddenly that she hadn't been talking to him. She hadn't been alone on her end.
"I can't really do this right now," she said after a few seconds.
Kylo slouched further down in his seat, his hope that maybe she'd want to speak with him slowly fading. "It's not like I control when this happens."
She closed her eyes, hanging her head. "I know," she said softly. "I know you can't. It's okay. It's not your fault. I just...there's a lot going on."
"Well, if you don't have the time, feel free to ignore me. It didn't seem to be too hard for you to do before."
Her eyes rose from the floor, training themselves on his face. She scowled, the fire in her gaze startling him, making him uncomfortable. He shifted in his seat, straightening up and averting his gaze.
"That's not fair."
Kylo looked back at her, stunned. "Not fair? It's perfectly fair. You've been ignoring me since that night! Up until a few days ago, I didn't even know if you could still talk! You can't seriously expect me to believe that you didn't know I was there all those times before, Rey. I'm not stupid."
She laughed, a barking, sarcastic laugh, devoid of any humor. "What, so I was supposed to pretend that what happened on Supremacy was a figment of my imagination? A thing of the past that I shouldn't worry about ever happening again? Ben, what happened that night...it was..."
"What? Important?" he pressed, annoyance clipping his words. "Meaningful? Something worth discussing?"
"It was a large step in a different direction, Ben. I thought that maybe...it would go a different way than it ended up going. It was important."
Kylo snorted. "Clearly not enough," he mumbled.
Rey's eyes narrowed. "And just what is that supposed to mean?"
Kylo growled irritably. "Am I ever going to be good enough, Rey? For you? For anyone? Or am I always going to fall short?"
Rey looked taken aback. "Ben, what-?"
"You left me behind!" he roared, leaning forward in his throne. "I did it all for you, Rey! All of it! I did it to gain your approval, your trust! And when I offered it to you, you threw it back at my feet like it was nothing. Then you walked away without ever looking back and you left me. You're just like everyone else."
Suddenly, he felt tears well up in his eyes and he stood, hastily turning his back to her so she couldn't see. He walked several paces away from her, pulling himself together and attempting to quell the rage and betrayal that had returned as he'd relived the memory.
"Ben," he heard her say behind him.
It wasn't angry or annoyed. It wasn't frustrated, like he'd assumed it would be. It was soft, gentle. Resigned.
"Ben," she repeated when he didn't respond.
He wouldn't turn to her. Wouldn't answer. He wouldn't give her the satisfaction. He'd been ignored for far too long, now. It was finally her turn.
She sighed. "I know you're angry, Ben. I know you can't understand it. Why I left you when I promised I'd help. I know you don't understand what you keep doing to drive people away. Why you never seem to be good enough."
There she went again, spitting out his every thought as if she were thinking it herself. Kylo was almost annoyed. She took a deep breath.
"Ben, that night, I only heard what I wanted to hear. I arrived with one goal, and I wasn't willing to accept an outcome outside of it. So, when you asked me to join you, my worst-case scenario was what I assumed, wrongly, that you were envisioning for the future. And that terrified me. So I ran. I was only bothering to look at the situation from my point of view. Not yours. I was wrong."
Ben straightened, now tempted to turn and look at her. But he wouldn't. Not yet.
"Yes, Ben. I was wrong. I ignored you at first because I misunderstood your reasons for being angry. That, and I was angry, myself. But after reliving that night in my head over, and over, and over again, I realized that you had every right to be angry with me for what I'd done."
She paused as if she expected him to comment. He had nothing to say, but found he was very anxious to hear what it was that she wanted to say.
"I hadn't listened to you," she continued in response to his silence. "Hadn't bothered to hear what you wanted, what you needed. So when I ran, it seemed to you like I'd left because what you'd offered wasn't good enough. That once again, you'd fallen short. You hadn't been strong enough, hadn't offered enough power. You hadn't shown me enough potential, so I left."
She paused again, presumably to find a reaction. He didn't give any.
"That's what you thought, isn't it? Because that's how your worth has always been measured."
Kylo stiffened, his hands tightening into fists at his sides.
"By your power."
Kylo released a shaky breath, turning fractionally just to see her out of the corner of his eye. He watched her rigid posture soften, her shoulders heave in a sigh. She seemed sad.
"You thought that was how I'd been measuring you, too. How much power you offered me, how much I could gain from having you. You thought that was what mattered to me. So you couldn't possibly understand why, when you'd just offered me more power than I could ever hope to gain from anyone else, I'd turn and leave. But this is where you were wrong."
He heard her shift, standing behind him. She took a few steps toward him and he stiffened again, turning completely away from her once more. She stopped.
"I never wanted power from you, Ben. I never wanted the galaxy at my fingertips or your troops at my beck and call. In all honesty? I didn't come to you expecting you to kill Snoke that night, either, though I was hoping you'd come back and help me do that."
"Well, what did you come for?" Kylo whispered bitterly. "Apparently you didn't want anything I gave to you that night, so what was it you'd hoped to find here?"
"You."
Kylo straightened, swallowing hard. Rey seemed to notice his change in posture.
"Yes, Ben, you. I went all that way to bring you home. To save you. Because I thought I could, then. But I was doing so selfishly. I was doing it to prove that I could. I only saw my plan of action, and thought that going that way would be the only way we could be successful. But now, I'm willing to go your way. I'm still willing to help you, Ben. If you just ask. If you'll let me. I'll be here waiting, whenever you're ready."
Kylo licked his lips, turning to face her, but when he did, she was gone. His eyes burned and he reached up to rub them, surprised to find tears running down his face. He wiped them away almost angrily.
He didn't have time for this. He didn't have time to be wishy-washy and sit around with some Jedi talking about his feelings, and he had no desire to hear her talk of his 'salvation.' There were armies to lead, battles to fight.
After all, like Skywalker had said, this war was only just beginning.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed! I'll probably be writing more post-TLJ stuff soon, so if you're interested, keep an eye out. I had a lot of fun doing this, so hopefully I'll be able to start working on more things like it!
Reviews are always loved and appreciated! As always, thank you so much for reading!