A/N I've just got home from five months on tour, and I should be sorting my shit out, but I decided to do this instead. I know it was bad of me to tease you with an opener, and then disappear for a while, but we had tent down, and lots of emotional goodbyes to contend with. Also the end of tour party which was, shall we say 'eventful'. It was just the drugs, honest guv….

I don't own Skins, but I do own my love for Katie Fitch, and I've decided to share it with you. Enjoy xx

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2. What Other Reason Do You Need?

Katie

She was staring at me again. I know she stares at everyone and it doesn't make me any kind of special, but it was still putting me off. It's a party for fuck's sake, how am I supposed to enjoy myself with Effy Stonem and her fucking laser beam eyes boring their way into my back? It's taken me so long to finally feel at home at this circus, there were times when I seriously didn't think I was going to make it this far. It's only been in the last couple of days when we started performing the show that I finally got it. I finally stopped feeling like such a fish out of water, and understood that I was part of something. Part of something good. That all that screaming applause was for me as well.

I love applause. I've always loved being the centre of attention, having all eyes turn on me. When Ems and I discovered performing it was a fucking dream come true. She had done it before with her shitty punk band, but for me it was a new and beautiful experience. Feeling the warmth and adoration of hundreds of people washing over you is the best fucking drug in the world, confirming what I had thought ever since I was a girl. I'm Katie Fitch, I'm special.

You'd think that applause is just applause, yeah? But it's not. These past two days it had been different. Fiercer, more intense, more heartfelt. I could feel it, cause I'm a fucking expert in applause. And in that moment I knew that it wasn't because Katie Fitch is a fucking princess, it was because between us we'd made something bigger than our individual selves. Even when I performed with Emily, I used to think it was all me, and she was just there to back me up, but I couldn't fool myself like that any more. Here I was nothing special, I was just some girl who'd rocked up in her sister's orbit. Emily found her feet immediately. I was shocked at how easily she became the centre of attention. Cook clearly had a massive crush on her. The piece she created with Naomi was one of the best things I'd ever seen, and I was fucking jealous that she'd done it without me. Anthea, our director thought the sun shone out of her arse. Everything was Little Red this and Little Red that. But the worst thing was, I couldn't even let myself get angry about it, because I'd never seen her look so happy.

I, on the other hand was struggling so much I sometimes found it hard to breathe. It wasn't that hard to hide it from her, she was so swept up in the excitement of this new life, she barely had time to notice my fragile emotional state. Of course being Emily, she did make the effort to check up on me from time to time. Being a much sweeter person than me, and as I've finally realised, a much better person than me, she would always try to find some sister time, but I could tell her heart and mind were racing away with her and I could easily divert her attention. But I was fucking floundering, and I didn't know what to do with it. My boyfriend Brian had dumped me. Me, Katie Fitch had been dumped. That just doesn't fucking happen. It's always been the other way round. He said I was too domineering and aggressive or some such shit. What the fuck's all that about? Just because I'm a strong modern woman who doesn't let anyone walk all over her, I'm supposed to be some kind of bitch? Stupid cunt. So he replaced me with some little blonde doormat. Some little girlie twatfaced cunt with childbearing hips and…Shit, don't go there Katie.

Thing was I actually did fucking love him, not like the others who were just there to serve a purpose. For a while I had deluded myself into believing we actually had a future, that I could trust him with my secret. Ok, so maybe it was always going to be a bit fucked up. I kinda tricked him into going out with me, getting my sister to seduce his girlfriend, Annabelle, so I could pick up the heartbroken pieces. Maybe it was never the dream relationship my mind had tricked me into believing it was, but it still hurt. God, did it fucking hurt. Still, at least someone got something out of it. Annabelle has well discovered the power of the pussy. She is madly in love with her Argentinean sword swallowing girlfriend and the pair of them are the darlings of the cabaret scene in Berlin. What did I get? A tent full of hippies in sodding Bristol. I would never have chosen to come here in a million years, but when Emily 'asked' me about it, she did so with such certainty in her voice, I knew she would end up coming without me if I refused. Ever since going out with that gangsta bitch Shayna had made her feel like a somebody, she had shown less and less inclination to do what I told her. I had lost Brian, I couldn't lose Emily as well. I couldn't be that alone. So I followed her. I followed her into the unknown.

I think deep down, I've known all along that Emily was the stronger one, not that I would ever admit it. I covered it up by being louder, more cocky, more obnoxious, but it was all a fucking front. Emily was never scared of change, she embraced it. She was the one who had the balls to stand up to our mother when she was just seventeen, coming out and then leaving home when Jenna couldn't accept it. I was always going to look like the good twin, the pretty twin, the 'normal' twin next to her, and I milked it. Got all the boys, played mummy's little darling, manufactured myself a fabulous little life. Until I found out something that meant I wasn't 'normal' at all. It was hidden, something you couldn't see, but I was always terrified that if people found out they would look at me differently, especially boys.

Fitches don't show fear. In Emily's case it's because she's actually fearless, but me? I'm just fucking good at hiding it. And I've had to become a mistress of disguise in this place, cause I have nothing familiar to hold on to. Naomi is the kind of girl I would have picked on mercilessly in school, but here she holds all the power. She is so fucking brainy. For me doing aerial was simple. It was always enough just to hang off stuff and have people think I was amazing and pretty, but the way she talks about art and what she's trying to achieve makes me feel empty and stupid. I'm terrified she's going to find me out as a fraud, and throw me out of here, keeping my Emily for herself. Panda and JJ freak me out, and I know I'm lazy. I've never made an effort to understand people who are different. Neither of them have a malicious bone in their bodies. It makes me feel shit that I cannot understand them, and I'm tired of feeling like shit. Cook makes me feel like shit, cause he finds my lesbian twin sister more attractive than me. Am I losing my touch or what? Anthea is just plain scary, she's always ripping into me. Admittedly, it's usually for my own good, but fuck, it doesn't exactly help my sense of persecution. In a way I admire the way she doesn't mince her words or try to sugar-coat anything, but it's a fucker that she is way, way better at it than me.

But like I said, somehow I managed to bluff my way through, and when I felt the warm embrace of the audience's love, I finally began to feel like I might be part of something, that maybe I do deserve a place here. Slowly I have started to allow myself to enjoy watching Emily shine. Slowly I have stopped letting the fear close me off, and have started to find ways to reach out to the other members of this strange little family. Even Anthea the dragon lady held me in her arms as she said her goodbyes, and told me to believe in myself, which is more than Jenna has ever done for Emily. Slowly, I am beginning to find my feet again, to accept that this little band of freaks might actually hold the key to my recovery.

But there is still one person who terrifies me more than Anthea Stonem ever did. Her daughter. At first I just hated her, with her silence, her smirking and her freaky staring. I wanted to slap the smug little bitch, and ram her stupid camera up her arse. She wasn't even one of us, just there because her mummy didn't trust her to be left alone. A grown woman who couldn't be left to her own devices? Attention seeking little twat. She seemed perfectly fucking fine to me, playing all mysterious so the boys would fucking adore her. Certainly seemed to be working on JJ and Freddie, and I'm sure it would have done on Cook if he hadn't been so busy blatantly barking up the wrong tree. But one day Effy scared me to Hell and back. Why? Because she'd been there. Because I fucking sent her there.

I'll be the first one to admit that I'm no fucking Ghandi. I've punched a few blokes and slapped a few girls around in my time, but so what, they fucking deserved it. But never in all my years have I seen someone with so much terror in their eyes as I saw that day. Because of me. We were halfway through rehearsals, everyone was knackered. I had pulled a muscle in my back and it was fucking killing me. She got in my way and I fucking yelled at her. So what, bitch had it coming, yeah? Finally gonna get a bit of the old Fitch tongue lashing to put her in her place. But instead of the shrug or the smirk or the 'whatever' I was expecting, Effy's thin veneer of protection completely shattered in the face of my anger. In the few brief moments I looked into her eyes, before she shrank away from me screaming and muttering, I knew. It wasn't affectation, it was real. Effy was in trouble. Deep, deep trouble.

I was horrified. I stood there paralysed until Anthea threw me out of the way to go and comfort her stricken daughter. Even afterwards, when Anthea was tearing strips off me, I just took it. I felt numb, I fucking deserved it. I was a shit, and not just to Effy, but to JJ and to Pandora too and everyone else who didn't fit my definition of cool. Looking down on them from my superior pedestal, like some baby Jenna Fitch. Was this what my future held for me? Was I going to turn into my mother? A cold, judgmental bigot? Except for one thing. One small spark of feeling in my heart that gave me hope. When Effy asked for Panda to help to comfort her I felt a clenching in my stomach. I wanted to be the one to help her. I wanted to make it up to her. I couldn't be a bad person, could I? Because I knew I was wrong and I wanted to help.

But how? I didn't know then, and I still don't know now. It was Naomi who found me crying in the toilets that night. Even though she was exhausted, she calmed me down. She took me outside and explained what psychosis was, and what it meant for Effy. She told me we were going to keep Effy with us, and that we were all going to have to make the effort to look after her. I agreed enthusiastically, I never wanted to see that look on her face again. I never wanted to hurt anyone like that again. It made me realise how strong Emily really was, that she had been able to manage my cruelty all these years. I swore to myself I would make more of an effort to fit in, to support my sister in her new adventure. And I swore that somehow, someday I would make it up to Effy too.

It was hard. I felt so guilty, I could barely look her in the eye, even when I knew she was staring at me. And she was staring at me again. I could feel it, even through the chaos of the aftershow party. And chaos it was, everyone was off their tits. Even Naomi had managed to drop her Head Girl persona, and was munted. Everyone except for Effy, who couldn't, and me who didn't want to. Though I could barely bring myself to speak to her, that was one thing I could do for her, keep myself straight enough to keep an eye on her. Even though more often than not it was Effy who had her eyes on me. What she was doing looking at me for I had no idea. Panda was on top of the set with her tits out, jumping around to Lady Gaga. Trust me, there are a few things the wonder of which can only be fully appreciated when you witness them for real, a Prada handbag, Cesc Fabregas leaping to win a header in midfield, and Pandora Moon dancing. Old Katie would have just thought she looked stupid. New Katie thinks she looks free. It was new Katie that took a deep breath, and steeled herself to turn round and look Effy in the eye. I was rewarded as a slow smile began to spread across her face. It was breathtaking.

My mind shot back to a night about ten days ago. All of us girls were chilling out with a couple of bottles of wine in mine and Ems caravan after a long day's rehearsal. Except Naomi, who was still working, of course. I always make Emily get the wine. She went out with some posh banker type bird for a while and now she always chooses well good vino. Needless to say it wasn't long before things got a bit giggly.

"Ok," said Panda, with a seriousness that was somewhat spoilt by the raspberry and lime green polka dot dress she was wearing. "If like you had to, because otherwise a puppy was going to die or something, who out of the company would you snog?"

The rest of us spluttered into our drinks.

"Oh yeah, and you have to say why," she continued.

Jesus, did she think we were all thirteen or something?

"Who wants to go first?" asked Panda excitedly, oblivious to my silent scorn.

"I'll go," said Emily, grinning at Panda.

"Whizzer," replied Panda.

She looked so happy, I felt a bit of a tit, and told myself I was supposed to be trying not to be so damn superior. Meanwhile Emily looked like she was giving the matter serious consideration.

"I would snog…." she mused, "Naomi."

Oh no fucking surprises there Emsy.

"Because, then I could tell people I'd snogged Naomi Campbell, and they would think I'd kissed a supermodel."

What kind of a lame excuse was that? How about 'because she's blonde and gorgeous, and I want to fuck her brains out'? God that girl was so transparent her middle name should be Perspex. Emily might think she's being subtle, but I'm her twin and I know shit. I've seen her look at Naomi like a lioness watching a zebra at a water hole. She wants to devour her. Ems might be in a relationship, but she's still the same old lesbo lust bucket she's always been. In fact, she must be in paradise here, all the girls are gorgeous. If you can get Panda to stop spinning for long enough, you can see she's really pretty. And Effy, God Effy. She's fucking stunning. She's the kind of girl you just want to stand next to in the hope that some of that effortless beauty might rub off on you.

"How about you, Panda?" my sister's voice interrupted my musings.

"Oh that's easy," giggled Panda. "I'd snog Thommo, cause he's super lush and he makes my noonah go all tingly."

"Good reason," said Effy. "Everyone loves a tingly noonah."

My eyes narrowed as I looked at her. She just smirked back at me. It was as if the incident had never happened. The old, irritating Effy was back with a vengeance, and she was waiting for me to reveal myself.

"Well, I'd snog Cook," I said quickly, just wanting to get it over with. "Because he's fit, and once you've seen him with his shirt off, you have to admit he's pretty fine boy candy."

We all took a moment to reflect, and no-one disagreed with me, not even Emily. It was Panda who broke the silence.

"Come on, Eff," she said enthusiastically. "Who would you snog?"

"I wouldn't snog anyone," she said with a look that would make a Goth seem cheerful. "I'd let the puppy die."

Ok, so it was funny, but with my new found sense of righteousness, it fucking wound me up. Fuck's sake Stonem, I know you're smarter than me. You might be fucking crazy (yeah, I know I'm not supposed to say that), but you're smart enough not to piss on Panda's parade with your emo bullshit, not after all she's done for you.

"Just answer the fucking question," I spat, more harshly than I had intended. "Who would you fucking snog?"

I watched her eyes light up with cold blue fire.

"You," she said, fixing me with a steely gaze as I heard my sister burst out laughing in the background. I didn't dare look away. I didn't dare let her know she had rattled me.

"You have to say why," said Panda in delight.

"Because she's Katie Fucking Fitch," Effy replied calmly. "What other reason do you need?"

She released me from her hypnotic stare, leaned back against the window and sparked up a fag. I knew she was playing with me, trying to get a rise out of me. And I also knew I deserved it, I knew I'd done fuck all to honour my promise to make it up to her. Was this just a simple revenge? If it was, it was a bloody good one. Emily never let me forget it. Any time I started getting up myself, she would start tossing her hair like she was in a L'Oreal ad, and purring, 'Because she's Katie Fucking Fitch, what other reason do you need?'

I felt myself smiling at the memory as I looked back at Effy across the party. She had totally gotten one up on me. I know it wasn't much after what I had done to her, but strangely it had managed to make me feel better. She had managed to make me feel better. Effy was clever, but even that thought made me sad. If Effy was clever, then the things that invaded her mind must be clever too. Time to man up, Fitch. Time to show her that you give a damn. I made my way towards her across the crowd, ignoring the fit boy who asked me to dance.

"No," I told him. "I'm going to see my friend."

It felt good saying that. I wanted to be her friend.

"Hey," I said, plonking myself down on the seat beside her.

"Hey," she replied, before the pair of us just drifted into silence, watching the shenanigans below.

Pathetic I know, but it was a start.