And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
You stare at her for a second before speaking.
"I… I've been thinking and I realized I never really gave you a good explanation about why I… err…"
You can't bring yourself to say the words. That you ended it with her. But it doesn't matter, she knows what you meant. She scoffs and turns back to look out the window.
"Brittany, I'm sorry. I thought it was for the best."
"Yeah? Well, it wasn't."
She doesn't even turn to look at you when she answers and the bluntness hits you like a dull knife through the heart. You stare at her, momentarily lost for words. Her attitude since you arrived on her doorstep is making you finally realize how much everything has hurt her and you're angry at yourself. You think of everything you put her through Junior year and now you've basically gone and done it all again.
"Shit," you whisper.
She's still looking out the window when you get up and go sit next to her on the couch. You sit down in the available space and the fact she doesn't flinch soothes your growing nerves. Your hand reflexively goes to comfort her but you pull it back. Somehow you don't think she'll appreciate it.
"Look Brittany," you begin softly. "I didn't think we were working anymore. I couldn't be there for you when you needed me and then when I came down to see you, you were distant."
She turns to look at you then, and her eyes look sad. She finally moves away from the window and pulls her knees up to her chest. Then she props her chin on them, looking at you expectantly. You sigh.
"Long distance relationships are hard Britt, and I didn't think we were capable of making it work. But then, afterwards…" You pause for a split second before continuing. "Afterwards," you try again, and you reach out to grab Brittany's hand. She doesn't pull away and it gives you strength. "I realized we can do anything. You and me. We could have made it work. And I feel like an idiot for letting you go for no good reason. I am so sorry Brittany. I love you." You smile because you've never said something so true in your entire life. "I love you and I-I want to try again. Please Britt. Please." You look at her expectantly.
You watch as Brittany uses her free hand to wipe away the few tears that have slid down her cheeks. The silence stretches on and neither of you speak. She's not looking at you, but at her hands, and you have the oddest feeling that she's bracing herself for something. You stare at her curiously and as each second passes, you get more and more nervous and a sick feeling begins growing in your stomach. There's something wrong, you just know it.
"Britt?" you ask hesitantly.
She looks up you and her eyes are hard. All traces of tears have vanished. She pulls her hand out from underneath yours and stands up abruptly.
"Santana, I'm with Sam now."
Time seems to freeze. You feel like your chest has caved in on itself and you're struggling to breathe. You stare at her incredulously as she taps her foot impatiently, nervously, on the carpet. You're sure you heard her wrong.
"Err… what?" you force out.
After a minute of her staring at you hard, she sighs and sits back down next to you.
"I'm kinda with Sam now." She speaks softer now, reiterating what you said before. And now you're sure you're about to throw up all over her carpet. "He was being the sweetest guy and I was… lonely." She looks away for a second.
"I-I just don't understand… Why?" you stammer out. Your brain has gone fuzzy and you can't focus on one coherent thought.
"You told me I could date anyone. You have no right to be mad." She replies harshly, almost accusingly. You curse yourself to Hell and back for saying something so ridiculous.
You look at her and you see the anger and hurt etched into every feature. That's your fault. All your fault. You think maybe you deserved this ending. You'd be an idiot and ruined everything so what right did you have to think you could fix it so quickly and simply? You sigh quietly. Maybe she was better off with Sam. He was a decent guy, one of the good ones. And all you ever wanted for Brittany was to be happy and loved, even if you couldn't be the one to give it to her. You start to stand up before she interrupts you.
"Where are you going?" she questions, staring at you with confusion.
You stand up fully and take a step away from the window seat.
"I know a lost cause when I see one Brittany." You attempt a smile but it's forced and falls flat. You turn away and make your way towards the door.
"You're supposed to be my best friend, Santana."
She says it so quietly you almost miss it. You turn back to look at her and the disappointment on her face cuts right through you.
"I don't think I can be just your friend Britt. It hurts too much."
You're determined to walk out the door this time because this is all just too painful. You don't care that it's rude and that it looks like you're giving up. You need to get out and give yourself time to think. You're almost out the door before you hear a bark of laughter behind you filled with such contempt that you stop.
"Walking away again, are we Santana?" You turn to face her and she's stood up with her hands balled into fists at her sides and a look in her eyes that screams resentment. "Am I that easy to walk away from? Do I mean so little to you that you can just walk away and forget everything we were? Everything we are?"
Looking for Heaven
Found the Devil in me