Sight crack. Varia and the things I put them through.
Disclaimer: I only own this story, Gustav, and all the dead people. Many people were harmed in the making of this oneshot.
Class is something you're born with.
"Now remember trash, behave."
The rest of the members sniffed as they dispersed into their own separate rooms to get ready. Xanxus was being taken out to dinner for his birthday, apparently it was a 'big deal'. In reality only Levi thought so and was willing to pay for them all to go out to some fancy five star restaurant which famous and rich people of all kinds dined at.
This would wipe out his entire life savings but Levi insisted. The boss didn't care either way, as long as someone was paying for his food and not himself. It was free food okay, he didn't care how fancy it was. The fancier the better quality and rich tasting they were.
The whole group hasn't really gone over the general settings of table manners, but each had a rough idea of how they were supposed to be. In their minds.
Unfortunately they had no idea what to do about the tuxedos. No one wanted to wear them until Levi made it a point tat if they were wearing Varia uniforms, no matter if they showed their exclusive Vongola cards they wouldn't be allowed in. Bel's idea of skipping all that and just breaking in was easily shot down.
Now mutterings and curses exploded throughout the house. Lussuria was the only one who had any idea how to get into the monkey suits as Squalo had called them. Wanting so desperately to chop the freedom restricting suit into a mound of scraps.
So the gaylord scurried from room to room, helping everyone out. Except Xanxus, he was the first one Luss visited and was not happy at the prospect of being helped. It ridiculed him to no end.
So after a few bullets that almost hit spot on, Lussuria decided to skip the bossu and head to the next room. Squalo's.
Once he opened the door complete disaster met his eyes, it seemed every object the captain ever owned was knocked to the ground, the more fragile things were either shattered or cracked. And there was the captain. He was rolling in the ground in his boxers trying desperately to get his legs into his pants.
It seemed he was never taught your shoes go on 'after' you put on your pants. Whoever his mother was Lussuria felt sorry for the woman. "Damn you infernal..." More cusses slipped out Squalo's mouth as he tried jamming his legs in. Nothing worked.
Lussuria sighed and took off his shoes. Ignoring the captain's protests and curses he managed to get the loudmouthed man into his suit. "Squalooo~ Do something about that hair of yours won't you dear~" He chirped before exiting the room.
"Hmm..." Squalo gazed at himself in the mirror before hesitantly picking up the high quality hairbrush.
Levi was much easier. But same as Squalo he was found rolling on the ground, truth is he faked it. He didn't want to get caught standing half naked in front of the mirror and murmuring sweet nothing's and flamboyant compliments to himself.
So just when he was in the middle of telling himself what a feawsome wittle man he was, Lussuria came through the door so in a flash he had grabbed his pants and pretended to be struggling with putting them on.
Once Lussuria was done helping him and left the room he returned to basking himself in false compliments.
Bel was a bit easier. Being royalty he adjusted to the attire and put it on easily. The only thing wrong was the tie. He'd tried to get Fran to help him but his froggy kohai was over in the corner literally tied up in his suit. However had that happened.
"Now listen here, ushishi." Bel held a knife up to the tie like it would threaten the non living thing. "The prince insists you corporate or die, shi~" he tried to tie it again. But it didn't work out and got tangled around his ear in the oddest fashion possible.
Lussuria was busy untangling Fran who looked as if he couldn't care less. Enraged Bel grabbed a hidden knife from inside his masses of hair and slashed the innocent tie to little ribbons, proceeding to throw them in the air like confetti. "Lookit the pretty shreds~" Bel giggled earning silence and concerned looks from both occupants of the room.
After an hour everyone was ready to go. Mysteriously no one was wearing their ties, probably because shredding the first one excited Bel so much he ran around destroying all the ties in the house.
Once Lussuria appeared down the stairs berated by the others for wearing a bright pink suit, they all piled into the upgraded black minivan. One of them had painted a yellow stripe on each side to match their usual uniforms. Probably Fran, he was into things like that. Their license plate had 'Varia-1' on the back, that was Levi's idea that everyone actually excepted while in the process of customizing the plain van.
Now everyone squished into the seven passenger van fighting about who got to sit where. Fran and Bel ended up stuck in the back seats sulking, the prince more expressive.
Lussuria and Levi sat in the middle seats while Xanxus and Squalo sat up front. Unfortunately the boss was driving with Squalo sitting shotgun reading the directions from the GPS they kept stashed in the glove compartment. They were assassins not trackers, couldn't be bothered with such minor details as this.
"Don't you dare have left it on rever-" Squalo's threat was cut short by a jolt and the scraping of metal. "Pole downnnn." Remarked Fran sarcastically as Xanxus slammed on the gas pedal putting the van in reverse at an alarming speed. He managed to break two mailboxes in the process.
"This has a special coating that protects the van so shut up because I'm driving all you trash." Growled Xanxus, putting the van into drive he once again stamped down on the gas pedal causing Squalo and Lussuria to scream in fright.
Twenty minutes into the drive Bel and Fran who had an extreme dislike for each other and rare moments when they actually got along, were literally clinging to each other in fear.
So far Xanxus had managed to hit one deer, six possums, a lovey dovey couple on a nightly stroll who weren't anywhere near the road yet their boss still managed to hit them. And the ice cream man who was out there for whatever reason. All the while Levi cheering on his boss while Squalo continues micromanaging.
"Vooooiii where are you looking idiot boss?! DO YOU EVEN KNOW YOUR LEFT FROM YOUR RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT. VOII I SAID RIGHT!"
"SHUT YOUR FRICKING MOUTH I'M TRYING TO DRIVE SCUM!
"WHAT?! OUR LIVES ARE ON THE LINE!"
"That's your problem."
"YOU'RE THE ONE DRIVING!"
Xanxus flipped off Squalo who responded by growling and refusing to tell him the directions which pissed the boss off even more. They went in complete circles for ten minutes before he finally held a gun to the captain's head and ordered him to spill the directions from his filthy mouth.
Finally, after over an hour of driving they arrived at this fancy restaurant. None of them could pronounce the fancy name so they stopped trying and just went inside. Levi got their reservations and in five minutes they were all seated, beginning to scan the menu.
"Caviar? Isn't that fish eggs?" Fran asked making a face. None of the other names on the menu were readable or able to be identified as even food so in the end they just ordered breadsticks. But those were free and they had to order something.
"Voi, don't you have something normal to eat?" Squalo grumbled to fancily dressed waiter who was obviously used to serving more high class people, one could obviously tell by the incredulous look he gave them.
"Ve háve alfredo, it es ze plainesht 'sing ve háve." Fran and Bel sat in the corner snickering at this guy's accent but clammed up and gave him a look of complete innocence when he glanced their way. His tag said 'Gustav.'
"What's in it?~" Lussuria cooed in wonder receiving a nervous glance from Gustav as he nervously took in the appearance of the gaylord. "It es noodles en a crèamy sauce, vereh good. An might be moah pleesing to ze gents." Bel felt like asking this guy more questions just to hear his accent some more, Lussuria gave him a warning look that prevented him from doing so in order to refrain gaining the wrath of Xanxus.
"Then we'll take that." Xanxus ordered leaning back farther in his plush chair, mentally noting to steal some of these for the mansion, they were pretty comfy. Gustav quickly scribbled down all their orders in his notepad before shutting it and closing the book with a snap. "An v'hat v'oud ze gents like to drink?"
"Beer. The finest you have, trash." Xanxus boomed without hesitation. Gustav was a bit offended by his last word but wrote it down anyway. "An ze?" He asked pointing to Lussuria. "Oh just water for me please, I'm watching my figure~" chirped he in reply. Their waiter gave him yet another wary glance, backing away just a couple of inches writing it down cautiously.
"And ze?" He pointed at Levi whom responded with "beer." Squalo did the same. Once he got to Fran however it was a different story. "Got any soda?" The froggy asked blandly, Gustav shook his head in confusion. This was a fancy five star restaurant, of course they didn't. "Nen." Ye responded.
Fran looked confused. "Nen. I think you mean yen mister, your brain must have suddenly crashed and lost a variety of brain cells that allows you to process words. I'm not giving you any extra money." Gustav pulled back in offense before growling angrily. "Nen, I mean nen ve hàve zeroh soda." His face was becoming a little red.
Fran turned red as well, but it wasn't embarrassment. The slight bit of red was shocking, Fran's emotions were never expressed... "No soda..." He droned in his monotone voice, it became higher each second until he was shouting blankly, if that even possible. "And they call themselves a five star restaurant. Psh, what kind of place is this!" Fran stood up waving his arms about.
"Why would you have a restaurant and not carry soda! This is an abomination to the principle of eating out, I demand a lawyer and a glass of root beer!" He shut up when Bel stabbed him in the head, everyone stared at them both.
Fran silently sat back down in his chair, yanking out the knife. "Ushishi, pick something else froggy." The former sighed and threw the now twisted knife behind him casually. A sudden "oi!" And a couple screaming sounds came behind them as of it had hit the man behind them squarely on the head, he was bleeding profusely as people kept screaming for a medic.
"Then I'll have wine." Fran muttered. Gustav scribbled it down turning to Bel. "The prince will have the same as froggy, shi." He grinned twistedly and stabbed Fran's shoulder for emphasis on the word froggy. "Senpaaaiiiii that hurts." Whined his kohai not looking the least bit in pain as he yanked the knife out and threw it next to him. It went through some lady's neck.
It wasn't much later after Gustav scrambled off to get their drinks that a fight broke out. Apparently the ladies were upset about their dead friend for no reason. They were all waving their fancy gloves and trying to slap Fran with them. "Why don't you go back to your home, ON WHORE ISLAND!" Yelled Bel stabbing all the ladies present. Everyone turned to stare for a moment, then shrugged and went back to whatever they had been doing previously.
Lussuria giggled flirting with another homosexual guy currently on a date with a plant. His male plant was his best friend apparently, he asked Lussuria if he and his plant could join them at their table, so another chair was added next to Lussuria who was talking with one of his kind, turning every now and then to compliment the plant on how fresh it looked this evening.
"What the royalty." Bel frowned stabbing his knife into the table. "Where's out drinks, shi?" Five seconds later Gustav came with their drinks. "I am sorree gents for ze v'ait." He bowed setting each drink in front of them and hurrying off. "Damn right." Mumbled Levi as Xanxus once again interjected something about the trash.
Squalo burst into loud physcotic laughter as Gustav tripped over the dead mangled bodies and flipped into the trash chute where he got stuck. The poor guy. Xanxus couldn't care less as he gulped down his beer, finally alcohol. The promise land.
"Where's my vanilla wafers?" Fran pouted rocking to a fro in his chair. "They don't have any dearie~" cooed Lussuria as he turned away from making out with the plant. Oh yes, he and the plant were now in a relationship. Once he and the plant agreed on that the man had jumped up screaming "SO IT WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE!" And ran from the restaurant crying.
"What..." Fran dead panned stealing one of his senpai's knives and throwing it across the room, pinning a child to the wall. "What kind shitty restaurant is this? I want my money back!"
"But Levi paid for it a-"
"I SAID I WANT MY FREAKING MONEY BACK!"
Fran swiped another one of the prince's knives from his never ending stash and threw it at an old lady who was about to put back on her dentures. Sadly the dentures did not live to tell the tale. As people freaked out trying to get the teeth out of their food Bel kicking Fran off his chair seething with rage.
"Those are the prince's you toad!" Shrieked Bel pelting him with knives. Lussuria excused himself and the plant so they could make out somewhere less noisy. Xanxus was too drunk to care so he fell asleep with several empty bottles of liquor surrounding him like a tiny fortress. Levi was adding more bottles to the fortress in order to protect his precious bossu.
Soon Bel and Fran were declaring an all out war. The senpai chose the north side while his kohai chose the east side. Each was loaded to the brim with random foods and cutlery. "Burning frankfurter of death!" Yelled Bel picking up some food item that greatly resembled a hot dog and sent it aflame with one of the candles on the tables. He chucked it at Fran.
Fran screamed in terror before dodging quickly. "Flying fruits!" He declared loading a whole fruit platter into the illusiones cannon. Within seconds the prince's suit was covered in fruit stains. "NOOO WHYY~" Bel sunk to the floor dramatically pretending to be dead. Fran did a little dance and turned around making a sign of victory with his fingers.
"Just kidding! Ushishi!" Bel jumped up and threw a grenade at the froggy's head, it bounced off and landed in the center of the room. "Shit run!" They both yelled. Fran grabbed the hungover Xanxus and Bel grabbed Squalo. They didn't bother with Levi who just looked around stupidly.
There was a large explosion and blood everywhere. Bel turned to giggle at his creation of love, they dragged their elders to the van and threw them into the trunk. Lussuria came running up from nowhere with the plant in his arms and hopped into one of the passenger seats.
"Step on it senpai!" He hit the gas pedal flooring it while Fran turned up the mcr music full volume.
And with that they all drove home at breakneck speed running over anything in their paths. Lussuria singing the happy birthday song while molesting his plant. Half dead Levi chasing them down the street yelling for them to wait.
An hour later the head manager posted a sign on the only door that was still standing upright. It was a crudely drawn picture of everyone in Varia with a big red circle around them and a line through the middle.
"No mentally disturbed people allowed."
And now you see the reason why Varia doesn't go out to eat, they get banned from most restaurants. I've never actually been to a high class eatery, so... psh I don't know fancy food names, I'm too lazy to google it.
Read and review to see what happens to the ice cream man, ne?
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