Summary: An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.
Pairings:oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.
Warnings: Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.
Disclaimer: Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".
Author's Note: Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.
Chapter 1:
The banister was shiny and smooth, with no scratches and colour still all around. But it was not just the banister, the whole building sparkled with newness. Everything looked clean and as it was Saturday there was almost nobody around to disturb the peace. He stopped for a moment and closed his eyes. Except for the smell, slightly pungent and chemical, probably the paint, it felt a little bit like Asgard where everything was always new and unscathed. It wouldn't stay that way for long.
When he opened his eyes again he saw an agent mustering him through a glass door at the end of the entrance hall. He ignored her and walked down the stairs into the painfully brightly lit innards of the new headquarter. He needed a while to find the entrance to the prison cells and he already dreaded the way back. After he announced his arrival to the guard he waited until the heavy doors opened and then stepped into the corridor with the prison cells. Two guards led him to a cell at the far end of the corridor.
"You will have to type in your personalised access code", the man said and pointed to a tiny case next to the doorknob with even tinier buttons.
Of course he missed the first few times, he had expected it, and he ignored the looks the two guards shared.
"Please say your name" a robotic, genderless voice said. He looked at the guards.
"Eyes can be stolen" the woman explained, "but this puppy will recognize it immediately if someone uses a sound recording."
Of course. Like everything else on earth that was as magic-proof as it would get.
"Thor Odinson" he said and with a click the door sprang back.
He wasn't in the cell yet but he could see Loki already as he was only separated through a wall with a giant mirror glass. He frowned.
"There are no windows" he remarked and turned to the guards. They both shrugged. "There never were any before" the man explained. "And we feed him enough vitamin D, no need to be worried. If you repeat the typing and speaking at that door you can enter" he explained.
"We will wait here" the woman added. He turned to the door again but first peeped through the glass. The room was painted in bright white and there was only a bed, a table with a chair and a toilet bowl, all spread out and with no chance to hide from spectators on the other side of the glass, or, from Loki's side, mirror. Loki laid on the bed, left arm covering his eyes.
He managed to type in the correct code on the third try, said his name again and stepped into the cell. The man made sure to close it fast behind him.
Loki didn't acknowledge his presence and only his soft breathing indicated that he was actually alive.
"Hello, brother" he began and sat down on the chair. He stared on the figure on the bed, trying to blend out the mirror and what was behind it.
"How are you?" He took the book he had bought out of his pocket and laid it on the table. "I brought you a book. There is this huge house close to Tony's tower that is filled with books, the company of Barnes and Noble. Though the woman who sold me the book was called Richardson. I brought you one from the section with fiction though there are countless other sections and if you ever crave something else..." The door sprang back and banged at the wall. Surprised Thor jumped up as the man had drawn his weapon and was walking inside. The woman stood in the door, also with a weapon in hand.
"No gifts allowed!" he snarled and pointed to the book. Thor frowned. "They were allowed in his old lodging."
"Yes, but this is his new lodging" he mocked. "And honestly we're kinda in a vacuum here what with all that new stuff and nothing working yet and unless we can see a permission form you will not be allowed to even sneeze at him." Thor frowned and mustered the guard.
"Don't make it more complicated, Mister Odinson" the woman chimed in. "We're sorry but we don't have any orders yet. We will ask for the guidelines on Monday but until then no gifts are allowed." Slowly Thor grabbed the book and then thrust it at the guard. With a quick movement of his left arm he caught it and stepped back out of the cell.
Loki hadn't said anything but he had moved his left arm down and there was a wide grin on his face though his eyes were still closed.
"They seem to be a little scared" Thor commented and sat down again.
"Scared? I have half of that incompetent organisation in my room when I lift my hand to scratch my nose." Loki opened his eyes and looked at Thor.
"Now, how do you want me to torture without equipment?"
"I don't want to torture you, I want to keep you company."
"But every word out of your mouth is torture. Please keep it short today." He stared at the ceiling.
"I will" Thor answered and if Loki was surprised by that answer he did not show it.
"I only have a little time but I wanted to see you and ask how you are." He waited for a moment. During the last months he had learnt how to talk to thin air and had a feeling for when he could continue.
"Do you like your new cell?" Loki rolled his eyes, probably involuntarily.
"You know you could have it better" Thor answered as if he had talked to him. "If you just cooperated." After a while he continued.
"In two weeks time there will come a delegation from Asgard. I heard that Fandral and Sif will be among them. They will want to take you back to punish you at home."
Loki's demeanour hardened as if his whole body was tensing. Thor tried a joke.
"I have a feeling that Tony will get to know Sif's right-hander. Maybe I will ask Clint for a bet, he had her already met her back when...in the desert."
He kneaded his hands.
"Delegation?" Loki's voice was soft and almost inaudible. "Yes, I..." "Odin sends a delegation?" he asked and the word 'delegation' fell out of his mouth as if it was a piece of dirt. Thor could only guess the reason behind his brother's cold anger.
"Do not read too much into that, brother. It is just..."
"Stop it!" Loki ordered. "I do not need any of your brutish excuses."
He could not help it. "Please forgive me if they are not as elaborate as your lies, dear brother." He leant back in the chair and waited for a response but the only thing that happened was that Loki relaxed and closed his eyes again. He concentrated on his breathing for a few minutes, a technique he had learnt from Bruce.
"This is in two weeks" he then said and concluded that subject. "But this afternoon there will be the wedding." Loki opened his eyes again.
"I have told you about that, brother" he continued. "Did you know that it is customary on earth to have a celebration before the wedding? Usually men and women celebrate separately but there is no woman in this wedding and so we all celebrated in Miami one night ago. Tony made Bruce drunk and...well, Phil and Maria, I mean Agent Coulson and Agent Hill, are now there and clean up. But it was an amusing night."
Loki closed his eyes again and started to rub the spot between them.
"Unfortunately Clint and Natasha had to go on a mission shortly before and Clint could not come to Miami and Natasha missed the trip to a bathhouse that Tony had offered to her and Pepper."
He broke his resolution and looked over to the glass but there was no clock in this room and he didn't know how long he was already here. He decided to go.
"I have to go now but I try to visit again soon. And I will bring you more books." Loki intensified the rubbing. Thor stood up and shoved the chair back at the table. He waited a few moments then he turned around and left the room. Or, better, tried to leave, he needed several attempts again until his fingers had hit the correct buttons.
The guards were standing outside. Without a word he extended his arm and took the book back then he turned around and left the ward.
As he had feared he got lost on his way back and he was walking through the corridors, trying to find stairs that would lead him out when he turned around a corner and stood before Clint and Natasha.
"Hey there" Clint said. They both carried a duffel bag over their shoulders and wore the clothes they used for sparring. He felt relief flood through him.
"Friends. you are back. Do you know where I can find the way out?" Natasha laughed. "We are actually going back home now, just follow us." They went back the way Thor had come until they reached the last junction, then they turned right.
"How's your brother?" Natasha asked. "Fine, as always" Thor answered. He didn't want to mention the lack of a window or that he wasn't allowed to bring him a simple book.
They reached the stairs and Thor looked back down the corridor. "The new prison ward is straight, third left, straight, third right and right again" Natasha explained without being asked and passed him. Clint clapped him on the shoulder.
"I did not know you would have a training today" Thor said when they stepped to the cab waiting for them.
"We didn't, these are just the only clothes in the new HQ" Clint explained. "We just came back from the mission. We had to...cut it short."
He had an unsettling suspicion that it meant nothing good for the target of the mission.
"And by the way, Point Break!" Clint said. "I can't believe I missed the stag night! Tony says it was legendary. Did Bruce really...?"
Thor chuckled. "Bruce made the damage on the beach, the demolished arena was entirely Tony's fault. He tried a new suit but it did not go so well."
Clint hooted. "I hope there is footage." He looked over to Natasha who was glaring at her phone. "What?"
"Our car to the registry hall comes at half past one? I thought we had till two! I will never be ready by then!" She put the phone back and stared gloomily out of the window. "Why did he send us at all?" she murmured and tried to scare the surrounding traffic away with her death glare.
"What are you going to wear?" Thor asked and brought a smile back on her face. "You will see." Her smile didn't vanish for a long time.
"I wished I had the garb I wore when we had high guests from other realms" Thor said more to himself than to the assassins. The cabbie frowned.
"The gold on my armour. And my helmet." Clint hid his laughter behind a coughing fit. "A helmet?" Natasha slammed her elbow into his ribcage.
"You will still look great" she assured Thor. "Pepper told me of the new suit." Thor nodded miserably. "It does not even come with a corselet."
The cabbie's frown grew deeper.