SourceURL:file:/localhost/Volumes/RANDOM/for%20the%20laptop%20(spirited%20away).doc

It was a sleepless night. Not because I was hosting a bachelorette party or because I was too excited to sleep. Quite the opposite. The minutes that I actually managed to fall asleep amidst the restless tossing and turning were filled with the same hollow dream. I was standing in total darkness but there was this incessant need within me to go look for someone. That if I don't start moving now, it'll be too late. But no matter how hard I try, my feet were firmly planted to the ground and all I could do was struggle in my anguish to get to that 'someone'.

Every single time, I would jolt awake and fall back asleep only to be put in that same position again. By 5am, I decided that sleep was just not going to be an option tonight and frankly, I rather be awake and physically fatigued than to experience that strange dream again and again.

By the time the clock ticked to 8am, I'd already showered and had breakfast as well as decided on how I was going to wear my hair. I'd refused to hire a professional hair and make-up artist because I just couldn't afford it. I took a small handful of strands of hair and braided them into a little braid, using my favourite hair-tie to keep it together. This hair-tie holds special value, it was from my childhood and while I know it's unbecoming of a 23 year-old to believe in such things, but I honestly believe that this hair-tie protects me. Like literally. I just have this feeling that if this pinkish purple hair-tie isn't with me, then something bad will happen. It's like my lucky charm.

Ding Dong!

When I opened my door, I was greeted by 3 beaming faces – my parents and Riiko. They'd all come to help prepare me for the big event, well my mom and Riiko did, my dad was probably forced to part with his television to come. And my suspicions were right as after the initial hugging and congratulating, he busied himself with my television remote control.

Everyone was already in their formal attire, it was just the bride who was still in her pajamas. Mother and Riiko happily attended to all my bridal needs, they kinda looked like bustling squirrels gathering acorns to prepare for winter. They were so excited for me and it did rub off on me a little, but not enough to totally replace the feeling of unease. Absentmindedly, my right hand went up to touch my lucky charm clinging to my braid.

"Okay time to do your hair and make up," Mother smiled excitedly.

"I already did my hair."

"That's it? Oh Chihiro!" Mother cried in dismay. "At least take off that childish hair-tie! It's so unsuitable for such an occasion!"

"No! The hair-tie stays," I whipped my head around defensively. From the corner of my eye I could see Riiko motion to my mother not to pursue the issue any further which earned a sigh from my mother.

By the time I was ready for the wedding, I only had 45 minutes to get to the venue and take position. We made it in time thanks to my father's reckless driving, one of the rare times it has its benefits.

The entrance doors were closed and I could hear the pianist begin to play. Behind these doors were over a hundred people who came to witness mine and Kosuke's nuptials. My palms started to get a little clammy and I clutched on tighter to my bouquet of assorted flowers, hand-picked by my mother.

The doors opened and revealed a long aisle with friends and family on either side, standing with their bodies turned to face me. All at once I could feel my cheeks begin to flush, I've never been at the center of attention before and now all of a sudden, a hundred pairs of eyes are fixated on me. I focused on getting through the aisle and avoiding embarrassment by tripping.

As I reached the end of the aisle, I looked straight at Kosuke, standing there in his black tuxedo and all-smiles. A passing comment made by a friend flashed into my head, that the world would end the day Kosuke stops smiling.

I slid my hand into the crook of Kosuke's arm and he walked the both of us up a couple of steps to exchange the vows.

"You look breathtaking," he whispered and I returned his smile.

The groom said his vow first and watching him as he publicly promise to take care of me no matter the circumstances and always love and cherish me, I felt moved and wondered what I did right to land myself a guy like this.

Then it was my turn.

"Now, the bride will say her vow. Please repeat after me. I, Chihiro Ogino"

"I, Chihiro Ogino"

"Vow to take Kosuke Tanaka to be my lawfully wedded husband"

Beaming at Kosuke, I finally felt the security that I'd been missing and could feel right about my decision to accept his proposal.

"Vow to take Kohaku Nushi to be my…" And just like that, all sense of security and certainty vanished.

The world came to an end as I watched Kosuke's ever-smiling face drop to a confused and hurt expression. I could feel the tension in the room as all the guests murmured to one another, wondering if they heard me right.

We all stood in awkward silence for about a minute that felt like a century. Then Kosuke cleared his throat and shuffled uneasily to face the crowd as he spoke, "Uhh, could you please just give us a moment? The bride has been feeling unwell recently due to lack of sleep and is currently a little overwhelmed. The wedding will resume in 10 minutes." This only brought about more murmuring but I didn't have time to notice it much because Kosuke was already leading me to one of the side rooms.

He closed the door but kept his hand on the knob as he stood, just facing the door. "Chihiro… Who is Kohaku Nushi." His voice was steady but I could tell that it was strained. Not only have I hurt him, but I also wounded his pride when I humiliated him in front of all those relatives and friends.

"I don't know…" I stammered.

"What do you mean you don't know! You said his name!" Kosuke dropped his hand from the door knob as he swirled around to face me. The anger and hurt in his eyes were unquestionable as he stared at me.

"I know I said his name but I really don't know where this name came out from. I swear Kosuke, I didn't cheat!" I pleaded with him but once the words left my mouth, I realized how unbelievable I sounded.

"No. Such an occasion is not the time for random names to surface. Stop lying to me Chihiro." Kosuke's fists were clenched so hard they'd turned white. I felt so sorry as I looked on at the man who had just promised to love me no matter what and was returned the favour with a slap across the face. But I really didn't know who this Kohaku Nushi person is, nor do I know how I came up with this name. It'd just slipped from my lips. But who would believe that.

I didn't realize but I'd just been standing there, staring at Kosuke.

"Answer me, Chihiro."

"I'm telling you the truth," I shook my head, begging him in my voice to believe me.

Kosuke closed his eyes and held his breath before letting out a long exhale. Still keeping his eyes closed, he said "I can't go through with this, Chihiro."

It was like a sharp blade had just pierced through me and pulled out before stabbing again. And again. And again.

"I can't trust you anymore. And you won't even tell me the truth despite the humiliation and hurt you've brought to me. It's over."

Without meeting each other's gazes, Kosuke left the room and shut the door behind him as if he were shutting me out from his life forever.

A rush of emotions flooded me. Mostly confusion because I was so angry with this Kohaku Nushi person for making me hurt Kosuke like this and yet also a guilty part of me felt a little liberated from our separation. That nagging feeling in me telling me going through with the wedding isn't right is no longer there. But now the question remains, who is Kohaku Nushi?