Of Hearts and Symphonies: A CCS song-fiction collection
Witch-mistress-animaru
A/N: By the looks of it this collection will reach something, being the music freak that I am. You should have noticed that my stories have epigraphs from some songs. Hell, I finished one semi-full-length song-fic just some weeks ago or so.
2: After the Scandal
Based on Hands Clean
As performed by Alanis Morissette
Pairing: ET, hints on SS
Rating: T
Genre: Romance/Drama
"She was an angel fallen from the sky,
Shunned from heaven to hell
Shunned from heaven to nowhere
And all because she loved him,
Loved him with all of her heart."
- From the revised chorus of Daidouji Tomoyo's
newest composition and single, Fallen Angel
"You fucked me, played around with me,
And I always wanted more, more,
More than you can give me
Like an angel fallen from the sky,
(I was) lured to my death by the devil that you are."
- Original verses edited out of Fallen Angel
It was years since the scandal befell Tomoeda. It was a most delicious piece of gossip, even now, as many housewives are wont to tell anyone who listens…even a stranger.
It all happened when the heroine of the dreary tale was but sixteen, fresh out of high school and ready to take on the world. She was a promising beauty and filled with all the talents and blessings to make almost all girls her age green with envy. She had a lovely voice and an eye for the design, not to mention that she excelled academically—math and all that jazz—as well. Her family was rich and influential, and she was the soul of amiability and kindness.
Some would go as far as saying that she was a goddess descended on Earth to help the less fortunate ones.
And she was wise…wise beyond her age. Her eyes had that knowing glimmer one would see in older people, only very rarely on a teenager's eyes. Yet, mingled with that sense of omniscience was just the subtlest hint of naiveté and innocent optimism one wouldn't see anywhere else but on the eyes of a child…or of a girl who has lived a sheltered life.
She was a novelty. She was very precious to everyone who knew her. Comparing her to a goddess would have been accurate to describe her.
Who would have known that everything would be shattered not so long thereafter?
It began when she started to go to a high-profile university for the arts, where she studied both music and design. She sang her notes well and perfected the first lessons on fashion and etiquette. The university's curriculum was rather patterned after medieval western finishing schools for women, although they accepted young men in their ranks nowadays.
There she met a young man, a few years older than she, who made her heart sing like no one had. For the first time, she was falling in love.
But it wasn't right…for the young man in question is her professor on music, a graduate of the same university two or so years ago.
And the school had no tolerance for relationships between mentors and students.
Thus, the hidden, forbidden affair began…something that changed the young girl forever.
--
"This is too dark, Tomoyo-chan," Sakura said as she read Tomoyo's composition, Fallen Angel. "I know you're into the alternative genre, that you're into Goth and whatnot, but…"
"…but what? You know that some musicians got away with it. Alanis exorcised her inner demons with her songs, you know, and nobody ever complained."
"I don't know, Tomoyo…this is just a bit off the mark. I'm not sure I'm willing to gamble your career on this."
"What's wrong with it?"
"What's wrong?" Sakura asked incredulously. "You're asking me what's wrong with it? Well, let me read a few passages. 'You fucked me, played around with me, and I always wanted more, more, more than you can give me. Like an angel fallen from the sky, lured to my death by the devil that you are.' That's a lot of angst, and it feels…angry, too angry. It doesn't feel like plain angst anymore, you know? Anger, that's what it is about. I don't think you can pull it off with that soft voice of yours."
"Songs are meant to be emotional. You don't understand about this, Sakura."
"But you aren't suited with anger, Tomoyo. Your voice just isn't built for it. Angst, you can get away with it, manage to win hoards of fans with it, but plain, shouting anger? No, I don't think so."
"There are many kinds of anger…this one's the anger that doesn't need to shout. This one seeps to your bones. The kind of anger that creeps from inside…damn it, I'm human, and I'm entitled to feel any type of emotion. Just because I sound delicate on tape doesn't mean I'm incapable of displaying my wrath."
"Okay," Sakura said. "So your style remains the same here. But…the language is unbecoming. No. You'll have to change it." She encircled the lines with indelicate words and handed the composition back. "Change them, please, Tomoyo…"
Tomoyo snatched the sheaf of paper with much more force than necessary before stalking out.
"Was that Daidouji?" Syaoran asked his wife as he emerged from the foyer. "I greeted her but she didn't seem to have noticed."
"She's still fighting her own demons…Tomoyo-chan…she's the only one who can do it, too."
--
Tomoyo's demon was, at that very moment, alighting from a plane bound from Hong Kong, where he had become a famous balladeer. Rock and roll wasn't his tune, and he had chosen to become a single artist who can play a bit of everything and sing his own compositions.
He walked slowly but surely, until he came across a billboard and received the shock of his life. For there…plastered was the face that haunted him since forever.
She was too young then…but she was all-woman now, and with her gothic appearance he hardly recognized her from the sweet, gentle girl he loved. He recalled with a twinge of regret how he had pushed her away thereafter…for her own sake…
"It's over and you know it," his voice was cold, too cold even for him to bear. He never thought it would end this way. He never…
"I don't understand," her voice was but a whisper, her eyes full of hurt and unshed tears. "Why? Why? You promised me…always…"
"I never meant to keep my promises," he retorted, ignoring the sharp stabbing in his heart.
"Did you ever love me?" There. The question he dreaded the most. How was he to answer it without lying?
"I didn't. I never did." His answer was enough to shatter her already broken heart. "You were but a diversion to my otherwise boring existence. I never wanted to be a teacher, much less here…but you made it fun, somehow."
Fun. That was what he said. Yet it had all been a lie…
If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much
He pushed all the blame on her, without meaning to. He wanted to condemn himself, but in the end she was the one condemned…even with a rich and influential family as she had.
"This is wrong." He had said the moment their lips first met…but he went on with it anyway.
She was the most willing student, the most eager to please her mentor. He taught her everything he knew about music and voice, and she listened with worshiping eyes and a willing demeanor.
And love…ah…nothing could have been more wondrous than the moments he spent with her.
Yet, at the back of his mind, fear niggled at him. In the end, his fear won…and destroyed them both.
Ooh, this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh, don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
Tomoyo's hands tore over the music sheet as she ripped off the pages containing the verses Sakura wanted removed. Her hands shook badly and her eyes were wet with tears as she kept at it, unsure of what to do.
There was anger within her…too much, and she knew it would have destroyed her if she kept everything bottled up inside. Yet inside…she knew the truth…
We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this
Her hands scribbled down in earnest, all the anger left her, until all that was left was shame in her open admission of what she truly felt. The harshness of every word vanished, replaced by bleak agony.
You fucked me, played around with me,
And I always wanted more, more,
More than you can give me
Like an angel fallen from the sky,
(I was) lured to my death by the devil that you are.
She erased every single word reflecting the anger she used to survive, the anger she let simmer through her so that she might live…now there was none left. She had used up her stock, and all that was left was pain.
She was an angel fallen from the sky,
Shunned from heaven to hell
Shunned from heaven to nowhere
And all because she loved him,
Loved him with all of her heart.
She finished writing the piece and washed the streaks of tears from her face and left for Sakura's office.
She had to stop tormenting herself now.
Sakura received her composition without comment this time, only a nod of approval before she went on to her rehearsal.
"Tomoyo-chan…"
"Yes?"
"He's back, I've only heard of it myself."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"You aren't over him, are you?"
"I…" She tried to lie but couldn't bring herself to do it. "I doubt I'd be over him in the years to come. But it's okay. Thank you for warning me, Sakura-chan. I'd be very careful."
--
It was her concert, with her latest single as the feature presentation. Eriol knew, and he had to watch her…even from afar, away from prying eyes, he had to see her one last time before he returned to Hong Kong and go on with his life.
True, the scandal had been a blow to both of them, but it wasn't he who suffered. He left as soon as he could, unable to bear seeing her destroyed. He knew she could weather it out; but he wasn't so sure about himself, if he could bear seeing her weather it out.
Nobody really knew what actually transpired between them. They just speculated, and speculation turned to spiteful gossip.
"Sensei, you have the prettiest eyes I've ever seen," she said rather candidly. Taken by surprise, Eriol stared at her for what seemed like forever, as if he was seeing her for the first time…
"Thank you," he had said, avoiding eye contact with her melting amethyst orbs as he continued teaching her the proper execution of notes.
"You know, I never really needed someone to tutor me…" She whispered.
"Daidouji, if you please…"
"But you intrigued me…Eriol-kun," his gaze flew to her face upon hearing that whispered intimacy.
And that had been the beginning of everything…
For days and days, they'd spend hours together, watching movies or going out of town, away from prying eyes. They'd lay sprawled on sandy beaches and hold hands in some obscure park several rides away from Tomoeda. They'd steal kisses and tender looks whenever they thought it was safe…
Most of the time, upon going home, she would hold his hand in hers and lay her head on his shoulder, sighing contentedly and saying how much she enjoyed their time together. Sometimes she'd complain that she wanted the world to know how much she loved him. He'd smile sadly, and let her talk. Sometimes he was wont to say the same things…how much he loved her and how much he wanted the world to know about it…
She'd fall asleep on that position, sometimes cradled in his chest or his lap. He'd loved those quiet moments the most, when they'd talk for a long time about anything and everything, finally ending in the serenity and security of each other's arms as they went home to continue the farce for the sake of everyone.
You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You're kind of my protégée and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it
Tomoyo stood in the corner of the stage, watching the band acting as her front act rather passively. This would be the first…and last…time that she would perform Fallen Angel live. This was all she wanted—to finally escape the clutches of her past and exorcise the demons of pain and hurt within her.
She practiced as long as she could, each time more tiring than the last. Now, here she was…awaiting the cue…
At last, it came. The lights dimmed until a single spotlight remained at the center of the stage. She walked slowly and spoke.
"Good evening, everyone…my next, and last, performance for tonight will be my latest single, something you probably haven't heard before. I just composed it recently…and listen carefully because…this would be the only time I will ever perform this song live…ladies and gentlemen, I give you, The Fallen Angel, from my latest album with the same title. I hope you enjoy this."
She closed her eyes as the soft first notes of the song floated towards her and she started to sing.
She was young, young and so naïve
She thought the world was hers for the taking
How very wrong she was
For everything fell apart
With one gaze from cool blue eyes…
The eyes of the one she loved…
She closed her eyes once more, before the tears fell and she shamed herself for being too emotional.
Ooh this could get messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
Eriol could not, would not move. His breath came in constricted gasps…
All these years…after all these years…
It didn't take a genius to figure out who she was talking…rather, singing, about.
He suddenly found it hard to breathe, much less speak, as the chorus rang in his ears…
She was an angel fallen from the sky,
Shunned from heaven to hell
Shunned from heaven to nowhere
And all because she loved him,
Loved him with all of her heart…
She loved him…truly loved him… and she suffered because of him…
We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this
She opened her eyes as the ad lib of the song began. Her eyes scanned the crowd as she tried to search for Sakura and Syaoran…
…instead, she found herself staring at a familiar face…all too familiar…
…Hiiragizawa Eriol was seating in the third row, watching her intently.
What part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
What part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
What with this distance it seems so obvious?
Suddenly, the song has taken on an all new meaning. She very nearly stopped singing from shock. What was he doing here?
She kept on singing, almost mechanically. They were staring at each other, as if the years never passed between the two of them…It seemed as if it was only yesterday that they said goodbye…
"So that's it? You're going to end it like this?"
"Did you imagine anything else?"
"I have thought, for so long…that we were never going to end…"
"You thought wrong, then."
"How can you be so…so callous?"
"This is the way I am. I never cared for goodbyes…but this is it. You were my most excellent student and I had fun because of you."
"That's it? That's the best you can come up with?"
"What am I supposed to say? That I love you but it won't work? Don't let us be stupid, Tomoyo. It was bound to end anyway…"
"I…see…" And truly, she did.
"So, this is goodbye, then…" He went to the door as Tomoyo sank to her knees weakly.
"And Tomoyo…" He stopped before going out. "Mum's the word, isn't it? It's better this way."
"I will never give you the satisfaction of letting anyone else into the secret, bastard!"
He smiled ruefully, and shut the door behind him. Tomoyo wasn't there to see his tears fall, his eyes glittering like sodden sapphires behind his glasses.
Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cuz you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body
Tomoyo isn't even aware that her voice broke as she sang, tears scalding her throat. She knew the audience was appalled but she went on anyway. This night might very well end her career, she didn't care. She only cared that he was here…after all these years…
Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
Eriol stood up quickly as Tomoyo finished her song amidst a rather smothered round of applause. He did not want people speculating and gossiping about her change of mood and why her performance wavered. Yet he had to talk to her… He slipped past the rows of people towards the backstage as quietly as he could. There were a dozen others already there, awaiting the star's appearance.
--
The concert ended with a buzz. Everyone seemed to notice Tomoyo's change of mood, but she didn't care anymore. She stalked off the stage rather ungracefully and this was the only time she wasn't asked for an encore. She wanted to snap at the people waiting for her backstage but she just didn't have the energy.
She was drained, and bone-tired.
The production crew ushered the fans outside…that was when she noticed him.
He was leaning against the wall, his arms folded.
She very nearly swayed on the spot. Thank God she held her ground.
"What do you want?" She asked slowly, in cultured tones.
"I just wanted to congratulate you…"
"Thank you. Now will you leave?"
"No…actually, I came to offer my apologies. It's been due for years."
"You're forgiven. Now go."
"I won't…I don't think you ever forgave…or forgot, Tomoyo."
"That's conceited of you."
"I know it, because I never forgot, either."
"You bastard!" All composure left Tomoyo as she swung at him. "How dare you come here…thinking I would welcome your affections with welcoming arms? I told you, it's over and done for. It's done, okay? Forgiven or not, does it matter?"
"It matters…" his voice shook as emotion caved in. "It matters to me, Tomoyo. Believe me, if I knew…"
"What? What would you have done?"
"I…I don't know, but I never would have left. I would have died rather than leave you…but please understand that…I had no choice then. I thought that leaving was the best way to protect you."
"It wouldn't have mattered, you know…that they condemned me or not, I thought you would always be there…and it won't be so bad anymore…"
"Tomoyo…"
"Please…please leave…"
"I want everything back as it was…"
"I…I don't know, I need time to think things over. This has all been…sudden…"
"Tomoyo, please…"
"Just…just go…"
"All right…all right…I'm going. Just…" He stopped, frustrated. He didn't know how to reach her anymore… "Just remember I love you…I love you, I always did…I never stopped…even when I left…"
"Stop it! Stop force-feeding me lies! I won't have it…you hear me? I won't have anymore of your damn lies!"
"I'm not lying…I never lied when I said I love you, Tomoyo."
"Please…leave."
"All right. Call me tomorrow when you decide on things…tomorrow, you hear me? Because if you don't, I'd assume you don't want…to be with me anymore. Just tell me you forgive me now."
"I forgive you…I never really…hated you…I hated what you made me feel…"
He hung his head before he left.
We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this
Was she ever free of him? And she knew the answer… No matter what she said, it was always him…
…Always…
Tomorrow, she promised. Tomorrow she'd tell him the truth.
XX
3,380 words (excluding epigraph)
A/N: I love and hate open-endings like this. I know you must do, too. Want closure? Want to continue this story or make it full-length? Just tell me.