Seeing Isn't Always Believing

by inspired85

Being alone for a century was seriously starting to take its toll on Edward. Alice has a vision that gives him hope of finding true happiness. Then something happens, alices visions conflict with each other, casting a shadowy gloom over his happiness

2. Chapter 2 Conflictions

Seeing Isn't Always Believing -

Chapter 1 – Conflictions

A/N: Just to let you know, in this story Edward and Bella haven't met yet.

***Contains lemons***

EPOV

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Alice's visions had always been seen as a blessing in this family. Being able to see the future of those you cherish, the ones dearest to you, being able to protect them from the dangers that lay ahead, was the one thing that we relied on. A lot.

Alice's gift had always proved to be a God send. Making decisions with the knowledge of their outcome allowed us to navigate ourselves out of danger's path, alerting us to any problems or difficult situations. They say hindsight is a gift but now, in the space of a breath, after just one vision, it had become an evil weapon of destruction, tearing away any last scrap of hope that I had clung to. This hope that had been my life line, keeping me afloat until she came, had been the one thing keeping me going. Now the remnants of my hope lay tattered and in shreds, gone with the wind. In one fell swoop fate had come and snatched it from me, depriving me of my one and only reason for being.

All it took was one vision, thirty seconds, to rip my world out from underneath me. The dormant monster in me had resurfaced and, in the most despicable moment of my existence, swiped away my one shot of true happiness with his predatory malevolence.

It seems ironic now that the one thing that had given me hope was also the same thing that destroyed it, rescinding the first of Alice's visions of me in a meadow with the most stunning creature I had ever had the pleasure of coming across. To wave the offer of heaven right under my nose, teasing me with the most delicious promise, only to snatch it away and replace it with hell was in a way, even worse than not having it all. It kills me, smoldering away at me slowly, torturing me agonizingly. I used to consider immortality a fate worse than death, but this, this is a thousand times worse, knowing what I am going to be without.

Since that fateful day when my personal paradise was obliterated confusion has hovered around me like a bad stench. I couldn't comprehend the reason behind the conflicting visions and this just succeeded in confusing me further. My mind wasn't restricted by the same barriers as mortals, it stretched on infinitely, yet still I couldn't get to grips with what I had seen.

The visions were always the same, never changing, but how could they be? How could they be so far apart, so different, yet both still are true? The different emotions that each vision brought with them were pulling me apart from the inside out, taunting me with their inconsistencies, laughing at me as they pulled me in two, tugging each piece in opposite directions. One half of me was torn in anguish at my impending loss and the other half was full of excitement and anticipation at the thought of her imminent arrival.

The visions can't be right. Maybe Alice isn't as infallible as we all thought after all. Maybe her visions are flawed, lying to her, tricking her, and me, in the process. But this was Alice, her visions were faultless, she never got it wrong. Sometimes when she didn't have the whole picture, like some of the puzzle pieces were missing, then her vision could be misunderstood. They were never wrong. Never. Deep down I knew they had to be real. There was no way that a girl as beautiful as her didn't exist somewhere in this God forsaken universe. She had to exist. And I knew that she existed only for me. She was my savior, my one saving grace, in this bleak existence that I'm sentenced to endure.

Once again confusion piled on top of me, burying me under it, stifling me until I struggled to breathe. I lay there thinking, my thoughts revolving round and round, spinning my head faster and faster like I was on a merry-go-round that had gotten out of control. They span so fast, making me giddy, so much so that my body screamed for it to stop, to let me off, before my mind exploded from the pressure.

My thoughts drifted back to the visions wondering which one was true. My thoughts had gone full circle. I went back to the beginning, powerless to push the thoughts out of my head no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't stop myself from thinking them and if I'm honest, I didn't want to. It was the only way I could be close to her; my body ached to know her. I knew that without her my life, or whatever it was that I lead, would be over.

The visions continued to project onto the inside of my mind, like a movie stuck on constant replay. The exponential capacity of my mind was just another form of torture that I had to suffer. Never could I forget the images that were now seared into my memory, they were embedded deep in the soul of my being, marking their territory, claiming me as theirs.

I couldn't fathom how, or why, I lost her before I even found her. Maybe it was my punishment, my eternal damnation. It was bittersweet to know, but never truly feel, the zing of electricity that sparked and thrummed in the air around me, whenever she was near. The frustration of never actually feeling the soft expanse of her warm flesh on my unyielding, hardened skin shrouded me in flames. A cloud of misery settled itself over me, obscuring my thoughts, as my mind was once again full of her.

Never would I get to experience the delicacy and ripeness of her rosebud lips on mine. This thought fuelled the fire that raged and burned inside me further, threatening to overpower and consume my very core. It suffocated me. I couldn't breathe. It felt like I was drowning, drowning in the darkness that her absence from my life had created.

The inner turmoil was inescapable; it was always there, bubbling under the surface, ready to spill out. I couldn't suppress it. I didn't want to. It was what I deserved. I was responsible for the death of the most singularly unique being in the universe, or at least I would be. I didn't even know her yet and already I knew that fate was going to step in, thrusting her into my path, and forcing my hand.

I knew I couldn't resist her. I wouldn't be able to. Her blood sang to me, even now remembering the vision and thinking about the luscious mouth-watering scent that exuded from this divine creature overwhelmed me, causing excess venom to seep steadily into my mouth. It made me so thirsty; my throat parched and the burn was ignited. But I had to at least try and resist. Didn't I?

This was the girl that Alice said was my destiny. Without her I could not exist. I would be doomed to live in a state of purgatory, trapped in limbo between the world of the living and the dead. I had spent the last century roaming this desolate place. My life was empty, in a constant state of winter. She was my sun, erasing the darkness, and without her I had nothing.

Every day I see the happiness that my family have found in their respective mates. Only their happiness isn't contagious, it doesn't spread through me like wild fire, it ostracizes me, making me feel like an outcast. This only adds to the depths of my loneliness. My loneliness is the worst kind, it's internal. I could be surrounded by hundreds of people and rather than comforting me it would heighten the sense of loneliness that crushes me.

My families love isn't enough to drag me out of my pit of despair, it's not the same. It just highlighted the love that was missing, that would remain that way for eternity. I used to welcome their love but now I just resent it. I love them, truly I do, and without them I would never have made it this far but how long can I continue to be alone. I can no longer just exist, especially knowing that my reason for living was going to be taken from me.

My suffering was increased tenfold with the knowledge that I was the one who would destroy my future. In a moment of weakness, destroying everything I had worked to achieve, I would take away my reason for living. My own self-loathing encompasses me, knowing that I am my own worst enemy.

I had doubted that I would even find her, that she even existed. If I hadn't seen the first of Alice's visions for myself I wouldn't have even believed that she was coming. The vision she had first was of me, in a glorious meadow full of wildflowers in every shade of purple. There I laid mingled into the violet blue mass of wildflowers that grew sporadically, causing everything to radiate a blue/green hue. It was a place where things grew and flourished, a place that lived and breathed life into everything that it surrounded much like how she breathed life into me. Entwined in my body was the loveliest of beings, so soft and fragile, her openness was heart rendering.

I laid there, my skin glistened, beams of sunlight dancing and refracting off every surface surrounding us in a multitude of rainbows. I would never have believed that I would ever achieve such a state of serenity and it was the presence of this human girl that had filled me with delight and contentment. Had my heart still been beating I know the sight of her would have stopped it in its tracks. I was constantly distracted by her, every thought I had was interrupted by the first of Alice's visions.

Her beauty was staggering. It radiated from her, enveloping me in its embrace. I was like a deer trapped in headlights, I couldn't move. I was helpless, ensnared as her loveliness captivated me.

Her dark mahogany hair was spread out in waves around her like a halo, for that is what she was, my angel, my salvation. The breeze had blown stray curls across her face and my fingers ached to brush them away.

I leant in towards her slowly, her eyes were closed but her body tensed, and I knew she could feel me descending down over her. My fingers trembled slightly as they edged toward the escaped tendrils and as they touched her silken tresses a gentle breeze blew and a mixture of freesias and strawberries wafted towards my nose and I couldn't stop myself from breathing her in.

I could taste her mouth-watering scent in my mouth and I knew that I had to taste her fully. My thumb rubbed tenderly across her cheek. As our skin made contact, the electric current that surrounded us sparked, and her eyelids flashed open. The most heart piercing smile spread across her edible lips, her eyes were like deep pools of velvety chocolate, inviting me closer.

Her lips parted in sweet anticipation and her breathing grew ragged, coming out in short puffs of air. Her eagerness broke down the last of my barriers and my mouth captured hers, the feel of her soft lips against my hard marble ones created the most exquisite friction. I could hear her breath catch as our lips collided together in the tenderest of kisses. Lust and desire licked out their greedy hands and clawed at my control. All of a sudden she moaned against my lips and wriggled her body against me, and I was undone.

I delved my hands into her hair at the nape of her neck, my ice cold skin touching her, causing her to shiver. I angled her head, arching her neck so I could trace kisses up and down her jaw line. This caused her to moan again and her heart rate accelerated even more. I found myself licking the spot where her pulse beat rapidly under her pale, translucent skin, suckling gently, placing loving kisses on her neck, and gently grazing her ear lobe between my acerbic teeth. I could smell her arousal and it drove me wild, my lips ached to taste her.

She wove her hands in the chaos of my bronze hair, pulling me closer. I dragged my lips upwards, claiming her swollen lips in mine. She flicked her tongue out tracing the length of my bottom lip before she pulled it in her mouth, sucking it, nipping me with her teeth. I let out a guttural moan and I had to have her.

"Edward...I-I need you....please," her breathless request left me reeling.

I swiftly pulled her under me, relishing the feel of our bodies pressed together, touching from head to toe. My need for her was all consuming; it was all that filled my head. I pulled away from her gently, framing her tiny face in between my hands. I looked into the chocolaty depths of her eyes, seeing my own desire not only reflected but returned in hers.

My need for her was insatiable. I covered the face of my love in biting kisses, retreating further down her body placing kisses on every sensitive part of her. I kissed her collarbone, trailing kisses down further still until I reached the opening of her cornflower blue blouse. I tilted my head, resting just above her heart. It was beating at such a high speed and had my icy heart been capable of beating it would mirror hers exactly. I chose that moment to look up at her and she watched me with molten eyes.

"May I?" I indicated towards the buttons of her blouse, my breathing just as ragged as hers, requesting permission to remove the garments that separated her from me.

"Please..." she urged me, desperation colouring her voice, and that was all the encouragement I needed. With a quick swipe of my hand her blouse was crumpled in my fist leaving her soft flesh exposed. I continued my exploration of her body kissing down the centre, licking and tasting her skin.

"You're beautiful," I murmured against the supple skin of her flat stomach, in her shyness she blushed, and this just drove me further into oblivion. I continued my ministrations, kissing lower, my lips reached the top button of her pants and I couldn't stop myself from flicking my tongue under the waist band. This resulted in her body shuddering, increasing the scent of her arousal. I eased down her pants to reveal matching lacy panties and I swallowed a groan as my mouth gingerly kissed her inner thigh before turning my head to her centre and gently suckling her through the lace.

I was rewarded with the flavor of her flowing juices; the taste was so exquisite making my hardness throb against her. I needed to feel her wetness around me. In a heartbeat my lips were on hers, her hands roaming all over me tracing the contours of my muscled chest under my shirt. In mere seconds I shed my clothes, pressing my nakedness on top of her gently so as not to crush her with my brute strength. I held my body above her gingerly and she squirmed against me melting my frozen insides. I stared into her eyes, drowning in their depths, needing to own her, needing to make her mine. I silently asked her for entry, willing her eyes to see my unspoken question.

"Edward...please...I n-need you...now."

Edward.

Edward.

That's strange, I thought. Hmmm. I looked back down at my angel trying to immerse myself into her...

Edward.

Edward I know you can hear me and if you don't come down here right this minute....

I was bought back down to earth with a crash. Alice's incessant thoughts snapped me out of my reverie. My dead heart plummeted back down into the icy depths of my soul.

Just thinking about our intimate encounter, that hadn't even happened yet and may never happen, was enough to make my breathing labored, coming in short raspy gasps. I could only imagine what it would feel like in reality to have her underneath me, writhing in ecstasy.

Stop! I chastised myself. Infuriated at how carried away I got over something that might not even happen for years and years to come. It might not come at all, but knowing the solidity of Alice's vision it was inevitable.

Just like me killing her was also inevitable. I couldn't grasp how, after feeling the love that radiated from us, I could ever harm her. It just didn't make sense. A sigh hissed out between my clenched teeth.

Argh! Why torture yourself. Just relax breathe in and out, slowly, in and out. I didn't physically need to breathe but focusing on something other than the perversity of my imagination, and the images that called to me, helped calm me.

Edward Mason Cullen!

I sat bolt upright on the leather couch that inhabits my room just as Alice charged in. I had sat here for hours wallowing in my impending grief; time slipped by like sand in an hourglass. Only my hour glass measured a much more infinite amount of time. It felt like an eternity. My life, no my existence, so far had slipped past me, evaded me.

Without her, my life was nothing. Empty. The only thing that kept me going was hope; the hope that one day she would enter my life like a beacon of light, illuminating the darkness that has me enclosed in its grip.

"I came to stop you from wallowing in self-pity," Alice tutted at me.

"I wasn't-"I tried to deny it but Alice cut me off.

"Don't lie to me Edward. Jasper could feel the torment and despair emanating from you from miles away." I rolled my eyes at her. There was no way to hide from my family, being a vampire effectively diminishes any possibility of secrecy, especially in a family such as this with hidden talents galore.

I remained silent, knowing that there was no point trying to lie to Alice. As she liked to point out, a lot, she knew me better than I knew myself. She thought this gave her the right to pass judgement on any and all things about me. The truth was that no matter how much I lied to myself, I couldn't lie to her. She saw straight through me and, believe me, this got irritating, very quickly.

"Edward, why don't you come with me and Jazz? We're going hunting. I figured seeing as we are starting a new school tomorrow it couldn't hurt to be prepared, right?"

The features of her petite pixie face drooped slightly. She was referring to the struggle that Jasper continued to inflict on himself. He was the newest 'vegetarian' and he found it more difficult than the rest of us.

It wasn't easy for any of us but with practice it got easier. Jasper however was still tempted by the scent of human blood so much so that, without the insight that our gifts gave us, he would have slipped up on numerous occasions.

I don't know why he continued to put so much pressure on himself. He knew what his limits were and rather than try and stretch them he should just accept them and work within his own boundaries. It was dangerous to leave it so long between hunts where Jasper was concerned and I couldn't comprehend why they continue to push him, experimenting as though it wasn't human lives that were in jeopardy.

"You're right Alice. Of course, it would be best all around if Jasper hunted. Heaven forbid he causes a scene on our very first day at a new school. We'd have to move before we even got settled and you know how much that would anger Rose." I sighed and kept my eyes fixed straight ahead, away from Alice's probing gaze.

"So, big brother, are you coming?"

Alice's question interrupted me and I looked at her quizzically, my eyebrows raised in question.

"Edward, please just come. It will be good for you to get out of here for a while; you know fresh air and all that." A hopeful smile tugged at her lips and I tried to return it but I know I failed miserably, that she saw through my false smile and into my deep depths of despair.

She turned away from me, stalking out of the room. She paused as she reached the doorway, spinning on her heels to face me. There was a sadness in her eyes that made me want to comfort my favorite little sister, but really it wasn't her that needed comforting. It was me.

"Edward, I wish you wouldn't torture yourself like this. It hurts all of us you know, seeing you like this, not being able to help. But have faith Edward. Have faith that she will come to you. Have faith that when the time comes you are strong enough to resist." Her voice faltered and I knew that this was hard for her too. She loved the girl too, not the profound kind of love that I felt for her, but a sisterly love, a treasured friendship.

I knew that when the time came, that when I stole her from this world with my weakness, it would not only shatter my frozen heart into a thousand tiny icicles but that the repercussions of this would hit the rest of my family like a tidal wave, destroying the bonds that we have worked hard to create. Not because they couldn't get over her death but because I wouldn't.

"How can I have faith," my voice came out in a screeching cry, like sandpaper scratching at my throat, "when I know that I'm going to kill her. The decision is already made...I...I don't know how to...You've seen it Alice, you know what I'm going to do. How can you tell me that there is hope? There is no hope!" A tortured growl fell from my lips as I sat there beseechingly, completely lost, not knowing what to do.

Alice was by my side in moments, pulling me into the circle of her stone cold arms, soothing me with calming whispers, chanting a mantra, It's going to be okay...shh...shh...it will be okay, as she rocked me back and forth like a parent comforting a child.

I found no solace in her arms, they only hastened to remind me of another's who should be wrapped around me. I lay there for what seemed like an eternity, destroyed. I was a broken man and only she had the power to heal me.

Knowing that I was keeping her from Jasper and their hunt I managed to grab hold of myself enough to fix a mask over my pained features.

"Go Alice. Jasper needs you. Please, I'm fine. I'm going to be okay. I just need some time. That's all." My lips wavered as a faint smile toyed with them before relinquishing its hold, causing them to form a taut line once again.

Alice bowed her head slightly in resignation then with a final squeeze of my shoulder she was gone, moving through the house like a ghost in the night.