A/N: Thanks for the feedback, guys! Sorry this second chapter took so long. I hope to get the final part up sometime next week. Thanks for reading. :)
Gibbs watched Tony sleep on his couch with a heavy heart. He was glad that Tony had chosen to come to his place instead of some bar or another, but it made his heart ache that he apparently hadn't even managed to make it up the stairs to Gibbs' bedroom – their bedroom, really. Ever since they had shared their first kiss down in the basement, Tony had practically been living in his house. He still didn't have his stuff over, but he'd sleep there almost every night. But that didn't mean that everything was fine, didn't mean they were happy, not even a bit.
While something inside of Gibbs had resolved itself the first time he felt Tony's lips on his, he still wasn't sure whether or not it had been the right decision. Even though he loved Tony, he had never told him. It would just lead to another fight about how Tony didn't deserve his love, how he was worthless and the conversation would just lead to McGee's death.
After their initial kiss, Gibbs was clearly able to see how Tony tried to make things right. He had vowed to him that he would stop drinking, would stop getting into fights and would try to talk to somebody about his guilt when it came to McGee's murder. And he had done all these things in the first two months or so. He had tried to talk to Dr. Kate's sister, but it was clear to Gibbs that she couldn't help him. She was too close, knew too much about Tony, but the younger man had refused to see somebody else.
But despite that setback, Gibbs had still harbored the hope that Tony would make it through.
His eyes had just started to clear up about three months into their relationship when Delilah had showed up at their doorstep. She had just wanted to talk to Gibbs about Tim's last words. She hadn't meant any harm and hadn't had any clue that talking about Tim's final moments would send Tony down to hell again. She hadn't even finished her sentence about how she wanted to know that Tony had just stood up and without another word had left the house, not coming home for three days. Gibbs had been worried sick, had half the agency search for Tony until he had showed up in his basement, looking so lost that Gibbs couldn't even ask where he'd been, what he'd been doing and why the fuck he was smelling like a cheap perfume for women. He had just walked over to him, engaged him in a hug so tight that his arms had been hurting when he finally let him go. Gibbs was not stupid, he knew Tony had been drinking and who knew what else, but he had vowed to himself that he wouldn't let the other man go like this ever again.
That had been four weeks ago and yet Gibbs hadn't managed to keep the promise to himself. Otherwise he wouldn't be standing there in his living room now, staring at a passed out Tony. He loved the guy, but he had no idea how to help him. He had tried everything, talk to him, told him about his own feelings, had let him brood and had let him lash out at him. But nothing had helped. Tony was still imprisoned by his self-destroying frame of mind and there seemed to be nothing that would help him. Gibbs had thought that his care and love would be enough, but he had been wrong.
And slowly but steadily, he felt himself break under the pressure. Step by step, beer by beer and heartbreak after heartbreak.
Tony let out a sigh and stirred then, pulling Gibbs from his gloomy thoughts. He watched him slowly open his eyes and then finally focus on Gibbs who was standing right in front of him.
"What time is it?" he said, still slightly slurring.
"Almost 1300."
"Shit," Tony cursed and sat up, rubbing a hand over his face. "Promised Abby to be at her place at 11."
"Yeah, she called earlier to make sure you were okay."
"What did you tell her?" Tony checked back, unsteadily getting on his feet.
"That you were passed out on my couch."
"Why, Gibbs?" Tony all but spat out, glaring daggers at him. "She'll just worry."
"As she should be," Jethro replied. "I'm not going to lie for you anymore."
"You haven't lied for me," Tony answered, sitting back down and taking a deep breath. "You never lied because of me."
"Oh? I didn't?" Gibbs replied, suddenly furious and he had no idea where it suddenly came from. "I didn't lie to Abby this past year because you didn't want her to know that you were drinking your brains out? I didn't lie when I pretended that everything was fine with you whenever Ducky, Jimmy and hell, Vance asked how you were? I didn't lie when I pretended not to know that you're sleeping around with everyone that crosses your path when you're so drunk you won't even remember? Well, newsflash, Tony, I remember! I remember every stupid fucking perfume your conquests were wearing, I remember every fucking time you smelled liked sex, but weren't with me. I remember because I wanted to forget it so badly. I love you and you don't notice and I think you don't even care. I'm so sick of this. Why don't you just tell me how I can help you? Why don't you let me help you? Why don't you?"
Gibbs hadn't shouted, had actually spoken barely above a whisper but he had seen Tony shrink away from him with every word he had spat at him. He hadn't meant to say it to him, hadn't meant to make him upset, but he just hadn't seemed to be able to stop himself.
"You say it like it's easy. I can't go a day without a fucking beer, Gibbs. Every time I'm just remotely sober, all I can think about is how I let the terrorist go and how I watched him kill McGee. Do you have any idea how that feels? Do you have any idea not to be able to help him day after day, night after night? Do you have any idea?"
Gibbs stared at him for a moment before he sat down next to him. They didn't touch, but Tony wasn't backing away from anymore.
"I do know," Gibbs finally answered, staring at Tony, who had his glance fixed on his hands. "I know because I've seen it a million times myself. I couldn't help him either, Tony, and it wasn't your fault. Just like it wasn't my fault that Ari killed Kate. I wasn't the one pulling the trigger and neither were you. It's not your fault."
"It is," Tony replied so quietly that Gibbs wasn't even sure he'd really said it. "It is. I let him go. I had him and I didn't shoot him. I just let him go and now Timmy's dead because of me. Have you seen Delilah? How could I have done this to her? Now she has to raise that kid of theirs all alone. A kid who'll never know his goddamn father because I killed him. How am I supposed to live with that? Huh?"
"You'll have to," Gibbs replied just as quietly, knowing that it made no sense trying to convince him that he wasn't guilty. Tony wouldn't believe him. "You'll have to learn to live with it. Just think about Abby, Ducky, hell, your father. Think about me and what you're doing to us. We're all lying to each other because nobody wants to admit that you're in trouble and that we're helpless. Look at what you did to Delilah when you walked out that day when all she wanted was to hear about Tim's last words about her. She blames herself that you fell back into your old ways, you know that? And I blame myself because I don't seem to be able to find a way to help you. Did you ever think of that?"
While he had been speaking, Tony had put his head in his hands and his shoulders had started to shake. Gibbs knew that he was crying, but he couldn't bring himself to touch the younger man next to him. He didn't know how he would react, so he just sat there, staring at his partner, trying to figure out what to do next.
Just when Gibbs thought that Tony would continue to cry for the rest of his life, the other man turned his head towards him, his eyes red and his expression crestfallen. When he started to speak though, he sounded as determined as he hadn't heard him in years and it made Gibbs' gut tighten in discomfort.
"Then why don't you just hate me, Gibbs? Just hate me and let me go. You can't help me, as much as I wish you could. You can't. Hate me for all the things I did to you and the others and for all the things I didn't do. Hate me for never telling you I loved you. Hate me for never telling you how great you've always been and how grateful I am that you still keep on catching me when I'm falling. Just hate me and so you can see that I'm not it. I'm not the one you deserve. You deserve someone who makes you speechless because they're so great you can't even form words. You deserve the best fucking person on earth and not me who's the complete opposite. Just let me go now and try to be happy because I sure as hell can't make you happy. I'll only make you more miserable."
Gibbs wanted to say something to stop him and he had just opened his mouth as a sob escaped him. He hadn't even been aware that he had been crying, but he had to be for a long time apparently because the first tears were already dripping down his jaw now.
"See?" Tony just said calmly as he stood up, wiping away his own tears from his face. "I can't keep doing this to you. I have to… I don't know. I have to get over this, but I don't want you along for the ride. I love you, but I can't keep doing this to you. I never realized before, but I've never been a man before. I need to grow up, deal with this. I'm sorry I've dragged you down with me. I'm so sorry. I'll just go now…"
"Tony," Gibbs finally found his voice as he got up and grabbed Tony's arm, almost desperately trying to hold on to him. "Don't go. Don't leave."
Tony stared at him for a long moment, his eyes glistening from new unshed tears.
"If you love me, Jethro," he started and Gibbs felt sick at hearing him call him by his first name. "Let me go. I promise that I'll try to get through this. But I need to do it alone, I'm so sorry. Just let me go to see what's good for me… and for you."
"Tony," Gibbs said brokenly and wanted to hold him back when Tony made a step backwards. "Tony, don't."
The younger man just shook his head and against his own will, Gibbs let go of him. Tony looked at him for another moment or two, tears spilling again before he finally turned around and walked out the front door, leaving Gibbs standing there in the living room, feeling like he wanted to die right there and then.