Once again, I'm just reposting this into my new Namixas collection to clean it up some. I suggest putting "I Don't Love You" by My Chemical Romance on repeat as you read this. It gives it greater feel and it's also where the ending and title comes from.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts.

Entry #2

I Don't Love You

Namixas

AU

I never thought it could ever get to this point. I never thought that my feelings could hurt everybody this way, including my best friend. I never meant to hurt them, but I just couldn't say no. I wasn't strong enough to just let it go; instead it got out way out of hand. I couldn't control myself and I should have known better, but I still created this sin that I can't find a way out of.

Maybe I should explain to you what happened and how it happened as best I can.

The family I have grown up is very uh… strict I guess is the best word to use. My father always wanted the best for me and wanted me to be the best I could be. Of course this ended up as an environment that I was scared to do anything wrong in, but I think I grew up better because of it.

I learned right from wrong and I knew how to make the right decisions. The problem was, most of the time my emotions tended to get in my way. Since I'm just a high school student, my father wanted me not date anyone, saying that I was too young. He told me that the whole purpose of dating is to find the person you will spend the rest of your life with which is true, really.

I knew that he was right, but my emotions kept getting in the way. I ended up in one relationship after the other. Not officially dating them which by the way, causes a lot of difficult problems that are hard to get out.

After each relationship, I was so heartbroken that I would bring it to my mom. However, all she ever heard was my edited version of it. They don't know the truth and I couldn't stand for them to be ashamed of me.

Anyway, my story really begins right after I ended my latest relationship. He was emotionally too young for me, even though he age is just a few months younger than mine. I broke his heart when I couldn't find my feelings for him anymore.

I tried my best to take care of him, but I didn't do a very good job of it. I know that sounds like I'm horrible person, but you have to really understand the situation to know what I mean. He was a burden I could no longer handle. It was during that time I finally noticed my best friend, Roxas.

He was fun loving and lived with no regrets. He could do whatever he wanted to without being weighed down. During my confining relationship, he was the only person I could turn to, to help take the weight off my shoulders. He really wasn't much of serious person, but he could be when he wanted to.

He had been my friend for over a year, since I'd moved to Twilight Town. I never really noticed him all that much. He was just my friend and that's it. Nothing more and nothing less. We grew apart during the summer because we rarely talked much and he had other people in his life. So I just let him go. Then when he came back into my life, I began to notice him more.

Whenever I was with him, I felt so free. Almost like I was on top of the world and could be whoever I wanted to be. Growing up, I'd felt like a caged bird. Locked up and prevented from reaching anybody. He unlocked the door and set me free without even realizing he'd done it. The problem was that at the same time my best friend also began to take notice of him.

Olette had never really been in a relationship, though that didn't mean she hadn't wanted to. She'd got really close to this guy named Hayner once, but he had turned her down when she kind of asked him out. It was just to a dance, but he made it clear that he wasn't interested. Then, just like how my relationships had a constant cycle of ending badly, she had a cycle where she couldn't get into a relationship.

I didn't understand why it was or anything. She's not ugly, stupid, stuck up or anything. So I just didn't understand why it happened, but it did. It happened often and I always tried my best to comfort her, the best I could. However, after a while it gets old. I'm not a mean person; at least I don't think I am. I just didn't like listening to it anymore. It was similar to how she doesn't like listening to me complain about how I can never truly be with someone.

So the problem was that I liked Roxas, but couldn't be with him. Olette liked him too, but he seemed more interested in being with me. He hung out with me more and we had a lot of fun together. I didn't really know anything for sure because he was kinda hard to figure out. That turned out to become a really big problem.

One night, after spending most of the day with just the three of us, he asked me out. At first I thought he was just joking around so I played along with it, not realizing the truth. When I did realize that he was really asking me asking me out, I told him that I couldn't because I'm not allowed to date.

I think it was mostly because of Olette that I didn't try to actually get together with him. But in my heart, I wanted to so bad that it hurt. I was so shocked that he'd asked me out. So in shock that I immediately told Olette that night and that didn't go over well at all. She just gave up on guys like she usually does whenever this happens and I knew that she was quite mad or even jealous towards me. I wanted so badly for all of it to just stop.

I couldn't handle my own feeling very well, let alone someone else's feelings on top of that. The only really good thing out of it was that Roxas wasn't mad at all or really hurt by this. He said that he was a chance taker and just wanted to try. That made the whole thing just a little bit easier than it would be if he had taken it badly.

Olette was mad at me for a good couple of days. I tried really hard to redeem myself with her and after a while she did finally forgive me. Things finally began to return to normal. She still liked him and I did whatever I could to hide my feelings for him. The only problem now was that the walls that I'd tried so hard to build up were crumbling down very fast.

I wanted to be with him all the time. I wanted that feeling of freedom more than anything else. I got so close to actually giving in to my wants. I kept daydreaming about him and the hardest part was that I knew that he could be my future if I wanted him to be. He actually wanted to be with me and it was so hard to keep myself away like that, but I did.

I kept my wall up as best I could. I stayed away from him when I needed to and just took a step backward. I didn't talk to him just to chat anymore. I did my best to let him go from my heart. I did this for myself, for Olette, and Roxas too. I couldn't actually be with him like I wanted to, and probably like he would want me to. It would cause all of us a lot of pain and hardship, something I didn't want to do that to either of them.

It became easier to get away from him when Christmas Break arrived. I didn't have to see him all the time at school and such. He didn't talk to me either so it was good. Then all of sudden, he started talking to me, a lot! My walls were once again crumbling and I started talking to him a lot as well. I started saying things to him like "Love ya" as well as other subtle hints that would suggest my feelings.

I couldn't stop myself; I just wanted him so badly! Even though I knew it was wrong. My actions caused a lot of problems and hurt for the people around me, but I didn't stop. I wanted this too much to stop, but then he stopped talking to me.

Now this wasn't that unusual for him. He did it a lot when he didn't feel like talking to people. I understood and accepted that, but then I began to get scared. I became scared that the reason he no longer talked to me was because I had scared him off. Or worse yet, he was sick of me or something like that.

I felt really down, and I needed to talk to someone. I couldn't talk to Olette because things were too fragile on the subject and she would probably be mad at me again. So instead, I decided to talk to Sora.

Sora and I used to be the greatest of friends. He became the person I could go to for anything. However, after he started dating Kairi I found myself unable to talk to him as much.

He became a different person that I didn't understand. It seemed that he didn't care about me as much anymore. I'm sure it was on accident, but that's what happens when you find someone that you love more than anything else. I stopped trying to talk to him and we kinda just fell apart. For now however, he was the person I needed to talk to.

The response I got from him both scared me and sent me on an emotional a guilt trip. I'm pretty sure that's what he wanted. He told me that Roxas had showed him the text messages that I'd sent and that if I really wanted to stop, then I could have. If I actually cared about both of them, then I would have to stop… and I knew that he was right.

I cried that night, not stopping for a very long time. I knew he was right, and I knew that I was wrong. However, I also realized something else that night. I realized that I just might be falling in love Roxas. I'm not sure what gave me that idea, but the more I thought about it the more it made sense to me.

So the following evening I decided to come clean with my feelings to Olette. I wanted so badly to be with him, but after my newfound emotions I needed help with making the right decision. I knew Olette would help me with that.

I told her everything that had happened, but I didn't tell her that I just might actually love him. At first she wouldn't talk to me and I knew she was upset. I really needed her to talk to me. When she finally did, I felt the guiltiest I had ever felt in my life. All I was doing was taking away a chance she might have for love. I was being so selfish.

Everything about this was just me being selfish. I was being selfish to Olette by taking Roxas away, and I was being selfish to Roxas because I knew in the end it would never work out and I would only break his heart or he would break mine. And most likely it was the latter in the end.

Olette wouldn't talk to me for three days straight and I knew what I had to do. I had to leave Roxas completely behind me. I couldn't see him again, and then maybe everything could be all right between them. I had to leave. I never guessed that my feelings would cause this much pain and suffering for myself and others around me. I never guessed it would get this bad.

That was my story and this is my ending. I'm leaving Twilight Town soon, and I don't plan on ever coming back. I have to leave, it's my only choice, the only way to make things right again. To make sure that I don't hurt anyone else.

"Good bye…" I muttered to the cold wind blowing through my hair. Twilight Town seemed a lot farther away now and this was the last time I'd hopefully see it. As I turned away and began my walk out of town I began to hear someone yelling behind me.

"Naminé! Naminé, wait!" A boyish yell shot through the cold wind to me. I stopped in shock at whose voice I heard. My heart started hammering in my chest, so fast that I couldn't stop it even if I tried. Despite the pain it brought me to see him, I couldn't help but think.

"He came for me… He wants me to come back…" I thought with a happy sigh, but I had to get my head back from those thoughts. I was leaving, and I couldn't let me stop me.

However, I stopped where I was and waited for him to come.

"Naminé, why are you leaving?" Roxas asked, panting heavily when he finally caught up to me. His eyes showed the desperation he was feeling and his whole body was trembling.

"I can't stay here, Roxas. I don't belong here any longer, I have to go." I explained sadly.

Roxas's eyes grew wide in fear.

"You can't leave Naminé. I need you here." He said desperately, trying to convince me to stay. I will admit now, I almost wanted to stay. However, I had already made my decision and he can't stop me from doing what I need to do.

"I'm sorry Roxas, but I have to." I said and turned away from him. My heart wouldn't stop pounding in my chest and my knees were so wobbly that I could barely stand on them. But I still kept walking. Suddenly, I felt a pair of strong arms wrap around my shoulders, preventing me from going anywhere.

"Naminé… please stay…" Roxas whispered in my ear quietly.

I couldn't keep my heart under any control what so ever, and my face was heating up rapidly. My ears felt hot where his voice echoed and the back of my neck was tingling from his hot breath. I could even smell the soap he'd used that morning.

"Was he planning this?" I thought even though my entire body was going crazy from his presence. I noticed that he clothes were a little nicer than usual, his smell was intoxicating. I wanted to give in so badly… but I couldn't. I tried to get out of his arms, but he held me harder against him. I tried again, but this time he turned me around to face him, his arms still wrapped around me.

"Naminé, you can't leave me alone… I don't care what reasons you have for leaving, but I wanted to try my best to keep you here for as long as I could. I need you with me always, because I… I love you Naminé." Roxas confessed to me, his face looked as serious as I've ever seen it look.

Then he waited… with his arms still around me, my heart beating like it would never see tomorrow, his smell intoxicating my mind, and his confession still lingering on his lips. He waited for my response.

"Roxas… I…" I started to say, but then I couldn't. I was cut off as he kissed me, not even waiting to hear what I had to say. It was a wise decision on his part. I was looking for the words to say that would most likely break his heart, but did he have to kiss me?! I'd wanted this for so long and I had daydream about this moment for forever. I wanted for him to confess his feelings like this more than anything.

I didn't know what to do. His kiss continued, waiting for some kind of response from me. I couldn't think straight… I was powerless to do anything. My mind screamed to me, telling me that I had to leave him behind. My heart screamed that I should give in to my emotions. I deserved to be happy after all! So why not with him?

Even though I knew I would regret this forever, I knew I would regret it more if I let this one chance go. I kissed him back with all the passion that I had been hiding. All my feelings that I'd kept inside me came out in this one and only kiss. Any remaining sensible thoughts that I might have had left me at that moment.

I could feel his arms wrap around my body tightly, not wanting me to let go ever again. I didn't want him to go. I had longed to be in his arms more than anything else and now finally I had my wish. I wanted to be as close to him as I could. I never wanted to be anywhere else. Nothing else mattered in that moment.

That moment lasted for about 30 seconds, but for me it felt like a lifetime of memories that I never wanted to replace. When our lips parted, it felt like something was once again missing from my life. I knew what it was, it was him. I wanted to be with him and I wanted to give in to what I wanted again, but then… I saw Olette.

She was running towards us as fast as she could. Seeing her caused my mind to start functioning again. I stared in horror at Roxas. I just done the exact thing that I hadn't want to. I'd given in, and now I had to leave. Tears started filling in my eyes and I knew that at any moment now they were going to begin to fall.

"Naminé, what's wrong? Did I do something wrong?" Roxas asked obviously worried that he made a horrible mistake by kissing me.

He hadn't… That kiss is something I'll remember forever.

I was the one who made the mistake, not him. And now it was time for me to leave. It was time for me to break his heart. At least this is better than hurting everybody. I knew that he would be able to get over this. It doesn't matter if I'm in pain anyway because it was my fault in the first place.

"Roxas… I don't love you." I said directly to his face not wanting him to think that I was joking, tears streaming down my face.

His face broke apart and I could tell that at that moment I'd broken his heart. I couldn't bear to watch any longer.

I did the only thing I could do at that moment. I ran… and I ran hard. I didn't want him to follow after me because I knew that I would never be able to outrun him. When I turned to look back I couldn't hold my tears in any longer. He had fallen to the ground was weeping uncontrollably.

More than anything, I wanted to back there and just kiss him again. I wanted to be in his arms once again, but I kept running. I looked back through my tears only one more time to see that Olette was helping Roxas up and was walking with him back home.

I kept running till I had no more strength left in me. I would never see them again and they could now go on with their lives without my interference. Everybody could now be happy once again. I will live on, with the pain in my heart to always remember.

"Roxas… I don't love you… like I loved you yesterday…

I love you more than anything I could have imagined or dreamed…

That's why I had to leave…"


Fin