"Sweet sleep, my dark angel".
The person who has caused your pain. You still love them, and in the dark of the night you know you will always love them, even though they have caused you pain. You still wish them happiness and a life of sweetness and joy. You are prepared to suffer through the pain.
I could hear the strained footsteps coming my way. His movements slow and they eventually die out in front of my door. There is a sharp intake of breath and I instantly know who the turtle behind the door is, Leo. Before I can even protest I hear the door softly open, light shining through. I grumble slightly and bury my face in my pillow, the light is almost blinding and I want nothing than shutting the door right now.
"Go away Leo" I grumble, wincing at the sound of my own voice. I sounded so exhausted, so vulnerable and that's exactly how I felt right now, not like I was gonna admit it to fearless. But of course he wouldn't listen, he didn't listen to me, he never did. Not even when I begged him.
"Leo run!" My voice was strained, my throat raspy. Tears burned in my eyes but I bit them back. Blood was dripping down my arm. It wasn't my blood, it wasn't even my blood. Screams were all around me, in my head but also from the fight around me. I could hear Mikey and Donnie shouting at each other but I could not make out the words. Footbots were scattered all around us. But I could only focus on my brother standing in front of me.
"No Raph, we won't leave you, you have to fight it!" Leo screams back at me, his sword pointed at me. My whole frame is trembling and shaking. A scream erupts from my throat as a splitting headache shoots right through my head. I scream, clamping both my hands on either side of my head. Let it stop, I don't want this anymore.
"You're a fool!" I yell, yelling at the blue turtle in front of me. No, Leo run! I try to yell but the control is lost again. Everything is gone. I can feel, I can hear, I can see, I can feel. But I cannot control. I can't do anything. I can only watch to see my own sai slashing towards him. My body trembles as Leo deflects the hit, kicking me in the plastron. I wheeze as pain spread through my body. My body heavily collides with the ground and a groan escapes my throat. It isn't my groan, it's not me anymore. This is the enemy.
"Raph please snap out of it, we need you little brother" Leo whispers, getting a little closer. No Leo, dammit! Go, just go! Just run, take Don and Mikey with you and don't look back. I bare my teeth, glaring at my older brother. My big brother. My body trembling with both pain and exhaustion. Leo move! Before I knew what was going on I lunged at him, my sai slashing his bicep.
A shrill cry of pain is wrenched from his throat and he jumps back, clutching his now bleeding bicep. I gasp and fall to the ground, clutching my head.
"Leo please, I don't want to hurt you. Please just.." I can't finish my sentence. The control only lasts so long. My hands wrap around the handles of my weapon and I jump at Leo once again. He didn't expect it, he wasn't paying attention. Well, he was, but he wasn't paying attention to the virus that was coursing through my blood. And the fact that Shredder was now controlling me.
My foot heavily collides with Leo's plastron. His sea blue eyes go wide for a second before he is forced backwards, sending him into the wall. There is a sickening smash as his head smashes back against the wall and he groans before sliding down, remaining lifeless. Blood dripping down his head, my fault. All my fault. I hurt him.
No… Leo..
I groan softly in my pillow, feeling Leo sitting down next to me, putting a gentle hand on my shell, rubbing it softly.
"Are you okay?" He softly asks, continuing to rub my shell. I snort slightly, pushing my shell upwards to throw off his hands off my shell. Of course he wouldn't take the hint and the hands immediately returns. When we were younger he would always do this, comforting us like a worried mother hen. He would rub our shells until we would calm down again, or he'd let us cry in his arms. But I didn't cry, not when I didn't deserve it.
"Ya asking me that?" I snort in my pillow, refusing to look at him. "I was the one busting your head remember?" I could hear Leo sigh above me, shifting slightly.
"This was the Shredder's doing, don't forget that Raph. None of us blame you" Again I snort, turning myself around despite my resolution not to. My movements were sore, my stomach still protesting as I slowly sit up. I wince slightly when I see his bandaged head and his bicep is stitched. "it doesn't hurt anymore Raph, just a small headache." Leo tries to assure as he sees I'm looking at him.
"Then why'd ya come? Why ain't ya in the lab?" I retort, biting my lip and looking away. I couldn't stand seeing my big brother like this. I never liked it when my brothers got hurt, I always hated seeing them in pain but knowing I was the one to hurt them hurt me beyond any broken bone. It was a constant burning pain right in my heart, eating me away from the inside.
A wave of dizziness washes over me and I fall to the ground again, clutching my head. My vision is swimming, the control is back but I hurt Leo. I lay there panting, trying to suck in enough oxygen. NO, I couldn't be laying here, I had to get away from here before Shredder took over again. I growl and throw my sais into the lake a few meters next to me. I don't want them, those weapons hurt my brother, and I don't want to risk it, I don't want to risk hurting them again.
I stagger to my feet, my whole body swaying from side to side. I want to run towards Leo, check if he's okay but the snicker ringing through my head made me rethink. I cringe, looking around the battle field. Footbots are everywhere. Broken, shattered. They were no match for my two little brothers. But Rahzar and Fish Face were a little tougher to beat. I was on their side, it made me sick. I was with them. I was teamed up with them during patrol. I was fighting alongside the enemy. 4 fucking days.
I shake my head, no I can't stay. I have to get out of here! I grit my teeth, ready to run away when a scream is forced out of my throat. The taunting laugh of Shredder invading my eardrums. No, no, no, NO! I can't give him control, I had to get out of here! But it was too late, I could only scream before my mouth clamped shut. I slowly rose and my eyes locked with Leo's.
I knew how they looked, white. They were completely white. No emotion present in my eyes. Leo brought his hand up to his head, wincing as blood was present on his fingers. It wasn't much, but there was blood. He looks up to me, his eyes pleading, begging for me to stop but I don't stop. My body keeps moving towards him. He's defenseless. His swords are scattered far away from him, he can't get up and I'm moving towards him.
"Raph, stop!"
It wasn't Leo who was yelling, it was my baby brother.
"Because Mikey is asking for you" I let out a short huff of laughter. Leo was out of his mind. Mikey was asking, for me?! Bullshit, I was the reason he was in this state. "It's true Raph, he's asking for you, refuses to let Don work until you're with him" Leo continues, looking over to me with big sea blue eyes, curiosity lingering in his eyes.
"Why?"
My voice was small, vulnerable. Just the two things I never wanted to show. Things I always tried to hide. I was the strong one in this family, the protector. But I've already broken that role already. I didn't protect today, I didn't protect them the last 4 days. No, instead I sided with the enemy. I fought them, I robbed innocent people. I hurt them. I hurt Don, Leo but most importantly, I hurt my baby brother.
I curse, no Mikey please get out of here. Get Leo and Don and get outta here! But of course he wouldn't listen. A flash of orange and his screaming voice is the only warning I get before my legs were taken out. I fall to the ground, face-first and sickening smack was heard, pain spreading through my beak.
"Raph, listen to me. You have to fight it!"
Dammit I'm trying! I want to yell at him but I wasn't control. I want them to get the hell out of here, I want Shredder out of my head. But I can only hope. I'm not in control. I couldn't move my own body. A snarl escapes my throat and I lunge at Mikey. Kid doesn't move an inch. He keeps standing in front of Leo, idiot. He grabs my wrists, twists his upper body and spins me around, throwing me away from Leo. My body stays down, just as confused as I was.
I never knew how strong Mikey actually was, he managed to swing me all the way over here. My head lifts slightly, looking over to my approaching brother. Mikey's eyes were narrowed with determination but his stance was hesitant. He didn't want to hurt me. Dammit Mikey, just hit me, hit me in the head or leave. But of course he wouldn't listen, kid never listens.
"You think you can beat me?" And to my horror I begin to laugh, an insane laugh escaping my throat. "You're weak Michelangelo, you've always been" I snarl, Shredder snarls. Mikey however doesn't seem surprised, and doesn't seem bothered at all. His eyes narrows into tiny slits and he reaches for his nun chucks.
Dammit Mikey MOVE.
He doesn't move, he stands his ground as I lunge at him, my fists ready to strike. But he wasn't there. My body lands again, and Mikey is nowhere in sight. I scream as a kick connects to my shell, forcing me down but when I turn around, nothing's there. I snarl, leaping to my feet and looking around. Mikey is standing a few meters away, looking over to me with a mixed expression. Hurt, confusion, determination. Multiple emotions flash through his eyes.
"Raph, focus. This isn't you" He says, his voice is calm. How the hell can he still be this calm? I am fucking attacking him. Donnie is now fighting Rahzar alone, Fish face is unconscious against the wall, and Leo is fucking bleeding. And I'm here trying to kill my own baby brother. As if I can hit him, kid is too damn fast. He has always been. But I never knew he was this good.
"Mikey" I freeze. It's my voice but it isn't me. It's my voice, the way I speak to my brothers, the way I call out Mikey's name. My voice is calm but pleading, but it isn't me. My eyes lock into Mikey's eyes and for a second he loses his stance, his nun chucks fall to his sides and he loosens his grip slightly but never leaving them. No Mikey don't! it's not me. But he can't hear me.
"Raph?" He whispers, his head tilting to the side slightly. I want to scream, yell, curse, anything to warn Mikey. My pace is slow, torturously slow as I walk over to him. Hit me, kick me, anything! But he doesn't do anything. I come closer to him, each step making my heart bounce. Why isn't he attacking? Why?! I don't understand. And then it hits me, he thinks I'm Raph, the brother that has been gone for 4 days, the brother who would never hurt him. But it isn't me! It's still the Shredder. Mikey run!
My hand reaches for my belt, he notices but he's too late. My hand grabs the hilt of the tanto and I lunge at him. He's fast, but not fast enough. My tanto slashes his arm slightly and he cries out in surprised pain. A sudden kick is delivered to my plastron and I fall down again. The splitting headache shoots through my brain again and I whimper slightly.
"Mikey please run" I spit out through my clenched teeth. My body is trembling and I force myself to look up. My green eyes are back in place and Mikey's eyes widen, still clutching his bleeding arm. His blue eyes slowly trail towards the tiny bit of blood that is now seeping out of his cut, and then back to me, and then to Leo, and then back to me again. And suddenly he takes a deep breath. The kind of breath you take to calm yourself. The kind of breath you take when you wake up from a nightmare. And I don't like it.
"Run please" I whisper, I want to say more but before I know Shredder takes over again. My minds spins and I want nothing more than to hurl at the sight. Mikey is standing there, not moving at all with a confident and yet scared look on his face. He's planning something. He's fucking planning something and I don't know what. Just run Mikey…
"I'm sorry Raphie" He whispers, looking me in the eyes. He doesn't move. I growl at him angrily before jumping at him, he doesn't move. I grab his neck and forces him against the brick wall. He looks at me before I start smashing his shell against the wall, he doesn't move. He doesn't resist, he doesn't struggle. It was like he was completely shut off, the eyes focused on me being the only thing that reminds me he's still there.
"I know you're in there Raphie" He whispers through the pain. I growl again, snarling at him. He doesn't seem afraid, he only stares at me with tears in his eyes. Tears from the pain. And he doesn't move. I drop him and he immediately crumbles to the ground, wheezing and moaning in pain. He doesn't move but it doesn't stop me. I grab his left wrist and place my other hand against his neck, holding it in place.
"I love you Raphie"
"He needs you Raph" Leo responds in a calm voice, but that still doesn't answer it, why? Why does he want me after I hurt him, why doesn't he want Leo or dad to be with him. Heck, Don's with him as well, why does he need me? Apparently I'm like an open book because Leo lets out a long sigh and scoots a little bit closer.
"You're his protector, you know how Mikey gets when something like this happens, he needs someone to hold him" Again I snort but how ridiculous Leo's explanation is I can't help but to tear up. Fuck me. Really it didn't matter anymore. The two thing that defined me were crumbling. I was the protector, I was the strong one.
But after today.. I wasn't the protector anymore. I lost that right, I lost the right to call myself that. I wasn't the protector. I let my tears drop freely right now, I wasn't the strong one. I hurt my little brother when he was down, I used his trust. I wasn't tough, I was a coward. I abandoned him when he asked for me. I left him with Don, I ran away when he called my name.
Two strong arms wrap around my body, pressing me closer to his plastron. The material covering our chests had always been hard, it protected our body like ribs did in human bodies but our plastrons were much stronger than ribs and way thicker. And yet I wasn't bothered by the heart material, never was, and neither were my brothers. My ear was pressed against Leo and I cried silently, listening to his comforting heartbeat.
"I love you Raphie"
That was the last think I hear before my foot collides with his elbow. He bone gives a sickening crack and a sickening scream is forced out of Mikey's mouth. Blood starts to coat my hands and my eyes widen when I see the bone sticking out of Mikey's underarm. I yell as well, letting him go and stumbling backwards. He doesn't move, he wasn't moving. Fuck. Fuck fuck FUCK.
I scream and I fall to my knees, clutching my stomach. Blood is all over my hands and drips down on the ground. Mikey whimpers softly but it's strained. No, I'm sorry. It's my fault. I hurt him. I hurt my brothers, I hurt Leo. I hurt Mikey. My stomach contracts and before I know I'm vomiting on the ground. Black ooze leaves my body in endless rivers and is smeared across my plastron. I sob, falling to the ground.
No, I couldn't just wait. Mikey needed me right now. My stomach turns against when I see the black ooze. I remember Stockman forcing it inside of me, screams, pain, I remembered it. All of it. But nothing is compared to the pain I'm feeling right now. I stagger to my feet, running over to Mikey. My stomach turns again. Mikey's face is drained and pale. He is wheezing for every breath and his arm is swelling, the bone sticking out and blood is slowly oozing out.
"I'm so sorry Mikey" I crack, falling to my knees. My hands are ghosting over his body. I don't know what to do. "Hang on baby bro" My voice is weak and sobs threaten to escape. I can't cry, I won't cry. I don't deserve it, I hurt my little brother. I don't want for his answer and gently pick Mikey up. My little brother moans slightly and cracks his eyes open.
I choke. His baby blue eyes are filled with pain and every step I take makes him cringe with pain. But his eyes aren't accusing, they are loving. He is looking at me and when he looks at my eyes a weak smile appears on his face. He shouldn't be, he should hate me, spit in my face, yell at me, hurt me. I hurt him. He shouldn't be smiling, not now. He should be angry with me, he should hate me. He hates me.
Everybody hates me.
Everybody hates me.
"Sssshh, just let it all out" Leo whispers, stroking my head softly. "Mikey doesn't hate you, none of us do. It wasn't your fault" And I do, I let it all out. All the emotions that has been built up inside of me, the inability to express myself for 4 days, the torturous memories of fighting my own brothers, the orders I followed, calling Shredder master, the stabbing guilt, it's all too much and I let it all out.
I cry the least, I rarely cry. Mikey and Don are both my little brothers and I comfort them whenever they cry. It isn't often they are really crying as well but when something bad has happened they cry, a lot. Leo is different. In ways he's like me. Keeping emotions from our younger brothers because we are supposed to be the big brothers, we can't cry. And right now I'm in the arms of my older brother, silent tears streaming down my face.
Eventually I run out of tears. My head feels light and I slowly untangle myself from Leo. I know it hasn't been long, barely a few minutes but I feel strangely at ease. And the same goes for Leo, who is now smiling softly towards me. I let out a huff of laughter and dry my tears with the palms of my hands. He isn't hurt by me pulling away, I rarely let anyone get this close to me in terms of comfort. I rarely show my emotions, I rarely let anyone comfort me like this. It feels strange doing it, but at the same time good for now.
"Thanks Leo" I said, clearing my throat at the hoarseness of my voice. "But if ya dare to tell anyone I'll beat the green off of ya" I said threateningly but Leo once again saw right through me and a cocky grin appeared on his face. I smirked and punched his shoulder slightly.
"Let's get to Mikey first, the anesthetic won't work forever"
TMNT
I wait for a second. Leo is already in the infirmary and I could hear him talking to dad but at the same time my brain couldn't progress the words. I could only stare into oblivion for a few seconds. My heart is beating in my chest and I slowly enter the infirmary. On the side is Mikey on the 'medical bed'. His right arm is draped across his eyes and his right leg is bend at a 90 degrees angle, his foot on the bed. A needle is inserted in his right arm and connected to a sack with clear fluid.
Mikey's face is pale but not as much when I… broke his arm. He's still a little pale but he doesn't look sick anymore. Which is a relief, I hate seeing him in pain. I clear my throat slightly, trying to get Mikey's attention. His arm immediately leaves his eyes and he drops his head towards my side, a small smile appearing on his face.
"Hey Raphie" His voice is rasp and incredibly hoarse. He's in pain, I can tell by his expression. Even despite all the painkillers he's on he's still in pain, of course he is. You fucking broke his arm, you forced the bone through his flesh. And yet he's here, fucking smiling at me. I swallow down a lump in my throat and sit down next to him, taking his right hand and squeezing it slightly.
It wasn't a secret Mikey hated these kind of things. He was tough, even though he didn't always act like he was, but he was. He could withstand as much pain as we could, he wouldn't stop fighting until both his legs were broken or the fight was over, he would keep going to protect his family but the infirmary has always been his greatest weakness.
Ever since the accident with me and Mike in the sewers he's been terrified. Not like he was really going to show his fear, and over the years it died down a little but I could clearly feel his rapidly beating heart through his right hand. We were just 6 when I ran off into the sewers despite Dad's instructions not to, and Mikey followed me.
It ended up with Mikey almost being crushed by a collapsing wall and me shoving him out of the way. I can still remember the excruciating pain I had felt back then. I couldn't move because of the pain, because of the shock. Mikey never left my side, feeling guilty for the incident. He followed me inside the infirmary while I tried to stay strong for him but Dad started to remove every glass shard from my skin I screamed. Long and loud wails of pain erupted from my throat and Mike, Leo and Don all had to keep me down so I wouldn't interrupt Dad while cleaning my wound and stitch it.
He has been scared ever since. Every time it would remind him of my incident, how much pain I had been in, how much I screamed that time. He blamed himself for my injury, and the tear in my plastron. And how much as I hate to admit it, that was also the reason I disliked the infirmary. But I haven't seen myself scream and writhe in pain, my dislike for the infirmary wasn't as big as Mikey's.
"Hey little brother" I croak, rubbing my thumb along his palm. "Why'd ya wait for me? I mean it hurts doesn't it?" I said softly, gesturing to his left arm. From the corner of my eye I can see Don moving towards Mikey's left arm, dad at his side. Leo stays at the end of the bed, looking over to me and Mikey while Donnie starts cleaning the wound again. I know he did it before because it was his number one rule, clean the wound first, but he's being extra careful.
"It's throbbing slightly but it doesn't hurt that much." He shrugs but stiffens as Donnie takes his left arm. I can see right through his lie, I know he's in pain right now, and it's more than a 'throb' but yet manageable seeing the smile on his face. But that's Mikey, hiding his pain so I wouldn't feel guilty. I snort mentally, as if looking at the bone sticking out of his flesh wouldn't bring me any guilt.
"Raph, I want you to sit on the bed and let Mikey lean against you in sitting position. Leo I want you to hold his upper arm next to his body, do not let it move okay? Dad I want you to pull his wrist with a slow, steady force until I saw you can stop. Got it?" Donnie orders as he's done cleaning the wound.
We all nod and together with Leo I gently help Mikey up. He's a little out of it because of de drugs but he happily leans against me, nuzzling against my plastron. Leo hands me a blanket and I wrap it around Mikey's body but avoid his broken arm. Leo then hooks his arm around Mikey's upper arm like some kind of headlock position to keep his arm in place while Dad slowly started to apply pressure on the wrist, straightening the bones so Don could eventually align them again.
The whole process took a little under 5 minutes. I was just glad Mike was on heavy painkillers right now because it would've hurt a lot, even now it was still hurting him. It's more than a gentle throb but the way he's taking at calms me down a little. Okay my arm is probably bruising right now because of his death-grip but he was tolerating it. He was occasionally twitching and it was sure he was getting uncomfortable with Dad applying constant pressure like that, but other than that he seemed okay.
Mikey was going to be okay.
TMNT
"Why'd ya let me hurt you Mikey? I mean ya weren't moving" I whisper, looking at him with curious eyes. My arm was wrapped around Mikey's figure, being careful with his left arm and Mikey was pressed close to me. His right shoulder poking against my side. The lights were already turned off, leaving us in the dark. Though I could see a bit.
A smile spread on Mikey's face and he nuzzled his face in my plastron, wriggling slightly to find a comfortable position. We all knew Mikey could never sit still, even when he slept. He would always shift and move in his bed, sleeping in impossible positions but obviously that wasn't an option right now with his busted arm, because I broke his arm.
"Because I watched you while fighting. Yesterday when we fought you, you knocked Don away, and that's the first time you managed to take control again if only for a few seconds. And today it got worse, every time you hurt us you snapped out of it, but just for a few seconds.. So I figured that.. well if I did that.." His voice died down a little, but he didn't have to talk anymore.
I knew what he was saying. I have to keep myself from cursing out loud. I knew what he wanted to say, he let me hurt him so I would snap out of it. He sacrificed his life to save mine. He was willing to get hurt, that's why he took that breath, to calm himself down. To calm his mind before the inevitable pain, because it may be his last breath ever. I could feel the stabbing guilt returning, making me tense again.
"Don't blame yourself dude, it was my choice. I'm just glad to have you back big brother. It was worth it" he whispers, pulling the blanket up to his chin to emphasize the point. He's still here, Mikey's still with me. Even after everything I'd done.
"Thanks for saving me little brother" I thank him, curling slightly around his body, pressing him even closer. "Just don't do it every again, I can't lose you, any of you" I add with a soft voice, barely loud enough for him to hear but he does. He chuckles tiredly but he doesn't respond anymore. Don had given him some painkillers so his arm wouldn't hurt him that much but it was making him tired.
He managed to stay awake so long but as soon as I heard his steady breathing against my plastron I knew he had fallen asleep. I smile slightly, closing my eyes before falling asleep as well, Mikey safely tucked in my arms.
TMNT
So there you have it, my first (second?) drabble. I was just so excited for the Dark Raph episode because I was sure they were going to do a Raph/Mikey bonding scene or something.
Dammit Nick, you had one job. One job.
Of course they had to go with Raph being gone for like a quarter of the episode and of course Leo had to snap him out of it. Seriously, this was the perfect moment to pull off some much needed brotherly fluff/hurt. I get that they can't show blood or anything.. but c'mon. Other cartoons are way more violent at times. So it's not that…
I just hope there will be more Raph and Mikey focus in future episodes.
And I hope you enjoyed this chapter ^^
See ya!