Her morning with Chakotay had been brief but the promise of more time was making it impossible for her to concentrate on anything but that fact. Unfortunately for Kathryn her current task of debriefing several Admirals about some of her more questionable decisions on Voyager was one she actually needed to be present for. It was all informal, after all even if they did disagree with some of her breaks from protocol they could hardly punish someone as beloved by the public as her.

The irony of it all didn't pass her by and it left a bitter taste in the back of her mouth. If only they knew how much of a cold shell she really was and not the heroic leader the media portrayed her as. Perhaps at the beginning she was vibrant and full of energy but those last few years in the Delta Quardrant had made her aloof and untouchable; she barely recognised herself.

The damage hadn't just penetrated her personality, her age was all to evident in the lines at the corners of her eyes and the limpness of her now short hair. In fact Kathryn avoided mirrors as much as possible these days. The constant flash of cameras taking her photo irked her and she wanted to die of embarrassment at the thought of her image being recycled over and over again.

"Captain?"

Admiral Johnson or was it Simons? Broke through her thoughts. It was hard to keep track of all the new unfamiliar faces of Starfleet that'd elevated rank while she was away lost in deep space.

Shaking her head she smiles at him but it doesn't reach her eyes. She remains silent unsure of what response she was meant to give seeing as she hadn't heard the question.

The more she studied his face the less she liked the look of him. The man on the opposite side of the conference table had to be at least ten years younger than her. Kathryn briefly wondered how he even had any authority within Starfleet. The other two Admiral's she knew from before and she could tell from their expressions that her silence worried them. In the past she'd have herself in order and have the answers they wanted to hear; she cared back then whereas now she wasn't sure she did.

"Are you feeling unwell, Captain Janeway?" He persists and Kathryn can tell he was becoming frustrated with her vagueness. Glancing down at her clasped hands on the glass table Kathryn briefly considers masking the truth with her professional face, but at the last minute she changes he mind and simply nods.

"Actually I am rather tired, gentlemen. It's been three hours and I would prefer to continue at another time." She sounds harsh and entitled, like someone who thought they were better than everyone else. But these men before her hadn't had seven years of their lives put on hold, they didn't know the darkness, the sacrifice that'd taken over her body and soul.

Kathryn kept her head held high she knew if she didn't they'd see a crack in her façade and home in on it. Her eyes darted towards the time on the wall behind the three men. It had been at least six hours since she'd spoken with Chakotay, and nod once had he contacted her. She knew it wouldn't be easy for him speaking with Seven and she felt guilty. The statuesqe blonde was someone she cared deeply for, no matter what happened she hoped their bond wouldn't be tarnished.

But in Kathryn's mind the longer it took for Chakotay to contact her the less chance there was that he'd actually gone through with it. Perhaps he'd seen Seven and compared her youthful appearance to her own haggered one and instantly changed his mind.

"You do understand that this isn't a trial, Kathryn, we simply need answers," one of the familiar faces explained, interrupting her paranoid thoughts and she wanted to roll her eyes at his patronising tone.

"They're all in my logs," she snaps pausing only to clench her jaw definatly, "but if you insist of hearing them in person then you'll have to wait."

Without waiting for a reply Kathryn pushes her chair back and moves to stand, she smiles falsely once more at the three men before turning and walking out of the room.

Kathryn strides out of Starfleet headquarters with determination, she feels constricted both emotionally and physically. She knew that the more time wore on that day the less of a chance there was of seeing Chakotay. From the beginning that morsel of self doubt had grown and now she couldn't hide from her demons.

Reaching outside she lets the fresh air hit her and inhales big lungful's of it, causing some strange looks from passers by but they didn't bother her.
She feels ridiculous not because of strangers but because of how she'd let herself believe in the impossible. Feeling moiture well up behind her eyes and she panics. Crying in public was a step to far, she'd make sure she was alone and preferbly drunk before that happened.

Somehow she manages to get back to her suite, usually she'd strip out of her unifrom but she only had one goal in mind. Her eyes located the comolimentry mini bar, then the time on the wall. It had definety been to long and she doubted Chakotay would come back as he'd promised.

Why would he? She wasn't pure anymore she was corrupt and dirty. Along with her need for drunk oblivion Kathryn suddently felt the need to clean, she swore she coud still sence his presence here since the morning ; it was taunting her and she wasn't worthy, she needed to cleanse the place.

.

.

.

The first thing that hits him is the smell.

Chakotay had let himself back into her suite, the same way he had in the morning. Before returning here he had looked for her at Head Quaters, until someone told him she'd left a couple of hours before.

Following his scenses through the suite, he begins to study the place properly. It was clean to the point of being clinical and it hadn't been that way this morning. He knew Kathryn was somewhat of an obsessive compulsive person, especially when it came to maintaing appearances but there was something insidious about this. Not to mention the stench of bleach or whatever had been used was so over powering, Chakotay had to fight the urge not to gag.

As he moves futher into the temprary home of his Captain his ability to locate her no matter what worked quickly. He felt a sudden dejavu as he enters the kitchen area, but he reaches his goal none the less.

"Been doing some spring cleaning?" he comments lamely, a breif dimple appears when Kathryn's head whips around to look at him from where she's sat on the floor scrubbing at an invisble mark.

"What's that suppose to mean?" he could hear insecurity (and alcohol ) in her tone and he didn't like it. Chakotay also noted he her eyes were red and glassy, she was definatly drunk and possibly had been crying. This was the second time in less than twenty four hours he'd found her in this state and it concerned him to no end.

Taking a few more steps towards her Chakotay feels his age as he kneels in front of her, his knees crack sligtly against the hard tiles. "Nothing," he says gently. He'd hoped to find her today and take her somehwere quiet a peaceful where they could have the discussion he'd promised this morning. A conversation that was seven years over due.

But it couldn't happen while she was inebriated.

For a breif moment he considers finding hypospray, but the thought diminshes as quickly as it came, he wasn't leaving her again.

Kathryn raises her eyebrow and smirks, but other than that doesn't say anything. She just stares at him and it unerves him more than he would admit. This version of Kathryn Janeway was one he was all to familiar with during the latter years of Voyager.

She was cruel and sharp; but he still loved her.

"You need to get some sleep, Kathryn," he says before he can dwell any further but is caught off guard when she lunges forward. If she hadn't of been drunk she'd of been less slugish and actually managed to straddle, instead she sort of slumps ungracefully against him.

"Sleep wasn't exactly what I had in mind, Commander," she purrs seductivly (or at least tries to) instead she comes across sloppy, but that doesn't stop the spark of arousal within him. No matter what Kathryn had an affect on him like no other woman ever had.

He'd imaganed so many scenarios like this over the course of seven years and waited patiently for her to come to him in her own time. Unfortunately neither of these options involved Kathryn not being in her right mind.

"Well sleep is all that's on the cards for tonight." he says softly as he takes a hold of her wrist gently. A flicker of emotion crosses her face before she yanks her arm free.

"Is it because I'm not her ?" She slurs, backing away from him and resting her frame against the cabinet behind her, "I wish I was."

He feels deflated, if she was sober he'd of already explained what had happened with Seven. How the former borg seemed releaved when he'd finally admitted the truth. In all honesty even she admitted that she wasn't as happy as she seemed with how their relationship was progressing. Perhaps had they not returned to earth so suddenly then something real could of developed between them, but even then she'd always be second best to Kathryn. It was a shameful thing to do, but at the time he was so desperate to trick himself into moving on that the second Seven showed him attention he clung to it. It was all over now and he wasn't going to let the woman he truly cared about go again. "Sev-

"No!" she shouts and grimances before he can even say the name. "Not her," Kathryn points towards something behind him on the ground. He's more confused now than ever, maybe all the toxins from cleaning had seeped into her brain and she was delusional.

Against his better judgement he does turn to see what she means. At first his eyes doesn't find anything but just behind one of the chairs is a padd so he shuffles on his knees to pick it up. Staring back up at him from the padd was Kathryn Janeway from what looked like the day before Voyager left on it's mission. She was smiling brightly at the camera, her hair up in her signature bun, her eyes vibrant and full of excitement.

"You see, Chakotay, there's no point, the woman you really love is gone and I've been left here in her place." She says sleepily behind him but Chakotay doesn't move, he feels his heart break all over again. Nothing was ever simple for them and he wondered if they'd done something in past lives in order to occur this curse.

Placing the padd down he bows his head and tries to gather his thoughts. "The woman I love is in that photo and she's sat in this room." He says quietly but gets no response.

Glancing over his shoulder Kathryn had fallen asleep, or more than likely passed out. Her body is leaning at what looks like an uncomfortble angle but he takes the time to really look at her . Even in sleep her brows knitt together, he sees the dark circless and hollow cheeks for what feels like the first time. Her jacket is opened and she's untucked the grey sweater from her trousers; it almost looks domestic. But she's still beautiful, she's still the Kathryn he learnt likes to grow vegtables and soak in bathtubs, the one who would laugh freely with him and was curious about his spirit guide.

Sighing he knows he needs to move her, but he doesn't want to wake her up. Gently and quietly he manages to cradle her bridal style (the irony is not lost to him) and carry her towards the sofa. It's closer than the bed and it means he can sit with her without feeling like an intruder.

Placing her down on the plush cushions he hears her murmer his name, but maybe that was just his mind playing tricks on him. He leaves breifly to recover a throw and wraps it around her small frame before sitting on the floor using the front of the couch as support, with his back to her. Chakotay shuts his eyes and let's her breathing behind him soothe him towards an uneasy rest.

The last thing he remebers before falling asleep is the feel of his hand still clutching desperatly to her smaller one. The angle is awkward and his arm will hurt when he wakes but he doesn't ever want to let go again.