Ninja Chef Naruto
By ______
A santoku is a Japanese three purpose kitchen knife. Naruto's is a scaled-up version comparable to a zanbato, his combat skillet is similarly oversized, think of the ones from Makai Kingdom.
And here is the second chapter of Ninja Chef Naruto. Enjoy.
Chapter Two: Preparations for a Feast with Ramen
#Hokage's Office#
"I see..." The Sandaime muttered slowly. He had just sat through the combined reports of team 7 and team 8, both of whom had participated in the badly under-ranked mission to Wave. What to say, what to say... "Congratulations, all of you. This will be ranked, filed and paid as your first A-ranked mission. Dismissed... Kakashi, stay a moment."
The genin and Kurenai filed out, most eager to collect their pay or go off bragging.
"Yes Hokage-sama?" The copy-nin prompted once the room was clear.
"There are two matters I feel we need to cover more clearly. First, what are the complaints you mentioned Zetsu's Chef having against his bingo-book entry... And second, why are seven deaths filed as having occurred from your team over the course of the mission?"
"Ah, because the third member of our team died or was discovered dead a total of seven times."
"Oh, I see. Continue." The aged ninja muttered, scribbling down the answer in the margin of the mission report.
"...I believe the first point he mentioned was he never came from a ninja village and therefore isn't a missing-nin. He also referred to Zetsu as nii-chan, though this is probably more of a nickname then an actual relation, and dismissed the notion of being his apprentice. What skills I have seen him use center around kenjutsu, using a giant santoku and frying pan as his weapons with no use of nin or genjutsu. Also, the frying pan was able to deflect my chidori. His physical strength is monstrous, though his speed is not particularly impressive for an A-ranked ninja. His stealth I can't comment on, since both my encounters took place while I was in the heat of battle and was unlikely to notice even a chunin sneaking around, though from what I've seen he has little use of it and is supremely overconfident in his abilities. He also appears to be under the impression that we've lost the Sharingan completely, therefore it is safe to assume his information network is very poor."
The Sandaime nodded absently. "Tell me, Kakashi, what rank do you feel needs to be applied to him."
"Assuming caution is taken when he's spotted and the ninja in question doesn't underestimate him, any A-ranked hunter-nin team should be able to take him down."
"Very well. Dismissed." The copy-ninja vanished in a poof. "I suppose it's almost time then." The old man muttered to himself, puffing on his pipe and relaxing a little.
#Uchiha District#
"I've activated my Sharingan." Sasuke announced without preamble.
"Oh, that's wonderful Sasuke-kun."
"Getting ready to take your rightful place huh bozu?"
"I guess it's time for new training courses then."
In a large-ish mansion the remnants of the Uchiha clan had gathered within a single, vast dining room, there numbers in the half-dozens as opposed to the tens of dozens the compound was designed to house. With the strain policing the village had on their numbers after Itachi's attempt to slaughter them all there was only one actual, active ninja in their ranks at the moment, Sasuke. He was, however, just the first of a younger generation that was slowly emerging from the ruins of their prodigy's attack against them.
Itachi had turned on them and killed the majority of the retired and the young easily along with those that only had basic combat training, but when faced with military police force he only managed to kill most of them, his own father included, before being momentarily driven off. Then, to their disgrace, the clan exile managed to both defeat and cripple their prodigy, giving the man's stolen eye to his teammate for some sick reason the Uchiha could never understand. Itachi had still managed to escape the village though.
"Yes, I am ready." Sasuke declared, smiling at those around him. Amazing what not watching your families' death 259200 times within the span of a second could do to you.
#Namikaze Residence#
A black-haired man with onyx eyes sighed. Even now, after everything that had happened, after gaining all the recognition he'd lacked as a child, he still wasn't happy.
Kakashi had finally acknowledged him, but only by declaring he was out of his league. So far their sparing matches, even after giving him a Sharingan eye, did nothing but prove it. Kakashi could barely touch him now.
Rin had finally admitted to loving him, but only moments before getting married under clan law. The meaning was clear, she loved him, but he couldn't really care for her since he was practically a ronin without a clan behind him. He made it a point to never see her again.
His sensei, who had gone so far as to adopt him into his fake clan roaster when his old clan disowned him, was dead, his legacy following him soon after. He was left as head to a non-existent clan which had existed only to hide the real Kazama clan from those that would want revenge against them. To think Minato Namikaze was nothing more than Arashi Kazama in hiding was actually kind of funny, as the last Kazama and by default the last Namikaze, there was no one and nothing left to hide.
Sensei's wife and daughter had vanished soon after his death, only Jiraiya had ever been able to find them and he vanished from leaf after Kyuubi's container had died.
And his clan, the ones he had wanted to impress the most, had suffered a huge loss from one of their own and no longer cared about anything other than the new heir and their attempt to rebuild.
Why is it that his one truest dream had to come at the expense of everything he hoped that dream would fix? Why aren't there any happy endings? He had been such a fool to think being Hokage would simply make his life perfect.
Obito grumbled to himself for a moment before taking another sip of sake and wandering off to lose himself in training for a while, to forget everything if only for a few moments. After all, he would need to at least look happy during his nomination. It wasn't like there was anyone else who could shoulder the burden of an entire village right now.
#Somewhere In Tea Country#
"Hmm, ha hmm, ha hmm." The great ninja chef hummed to himself tunelessly, ambling aimlessly around the roads of tea country and throwing stealth out the window since there weren't suppose to be any ninja in the land of Tea. Well, except the kind no one would miss.
It was nice to take a break and just whittle away at the massive wealth of stored food he had for a while. Deny it all he wanted, he needed time to recover from the grotesque memory of that... thing's voice and regain his appetite. And then, then... well, he'd figure out what to do when the time came.
And then the chakra signature he'd absently been following flared and reversed course straight at him, another signature closely following it.
Naruto laughed to himself and scratched the back of his head. He hadn't really meant to follow someone's chakra, but it was so strong and bizarre that he just kind of gravitated towards it. In fact, neither of the approaching signature felt or smelled particularly tasty, one had corrupted chakra that seemed out of place in its body, sort of like repackaged chips in a bag that had already held a different flavor, ruining both. The other one was diseased and thereby, also inedible.
And then they dropped in front of him, both pale and unappetizing. One had snake eyes, long black hair and purple marks from under his eyes to the end of his nose. He smelled female, but looked to be more masculine than androgynous. Weird. The other had two orange-ish dots high on his forehead, bordering his hairline. To Naruto he was otherwise unremarkable as that meant he was a Kaguya, likely the last of his clan. And diseased too. What a pity.
"How dare you follow Orochimaru-sama!" The Kaguya shouted, flexing his arm in preparation. The arm of his companion rose in front of him, delaying his attack.
"Ku ku ku. Now now Kimimaro-kun the more important question is why he was following me. And, why were you trailing me, stranger-chan?"
Naruto shuttered slightly, Orochimaru's voice had a feminine lilt that tried to sound both sweet and innocent and at the same time be seductive and threatening but otherwise it sounded masculine. It didn't make him lose his appetite like Gato's had, but it did bring back the horrifying memories from Wave by comparison. It just felt wrong. "Ah ha ha ha, yeah... It was kind of an accident. I mean it just felt weird and I thinking about something else so I just kind of ended up following you."
"Ku, really now stranger-chan, you shouldn't just wander around like that. Someone might get... ideas."
There was more of a veiled edge this time, but as always Naruto neatly side-stepped both subtly and innuendo with sheer obliviousness. "Oh, right. But it's fine, I'm not really all that hungry at the moment and neither of you are very appetizing."
Orochimaru's eyes widened for half a second before schooling his features. So this boy wanted to play that kind of game, huh? Well, he hadn't played for a while himself. "Ku ku ku, you may be surprised just what can satisfy certain... hungers."
"Oh I knew that already actually. You might not believe it, but Iwa-nin taste pretty good, despite looking... gritty, I guess."
"So you don't care much for appearances hmm?"
"Well once you peel the skin back everyone looks pretty much the same."
Well, that was explicit. Explicit, but easily countered. "Oh? You don't have much experience with women hmm? Ku ku ku..."
"Ah, I have gotten a few every so often, but they usually aren't as filling as their male counterparts, they just don't have enough chakra..."
"Ku ku ku, that's a rather interesting way of looking for a partner."
"Huh?"
"Most people don't care about chakra capacity when doing that sort of thing."
"What! That's... that's blasphemy!"
Orochimaru chuckled, not only was this somewhat entertaining, but it also gave him practice for seducing Sasuke-kun later on. "It just doesn't relate, stranger-chan."
"Nonsense! You can't lock the proper flavors in if there isn't enough chakra! You'd be better off frying up wild boar if that's your attitude about it."
Such a shame that the boy was losing his edge already. "Ku ku ku... That's just the way it is, stranger-chan."
The area suddenly exploded in raging chakra, burning and twisting everything near Naruto as the two Oto-nin slid back from the pressure. The killing intent nearly brought them to their knees as it was leveled in their direction. "Who dares profane the sacred art of cooking with such vulgar claims!" The chef screamed, bright blue chakra flaring off of him in a swirling storm.
Orochimaru hesitated, since when were they talking about co... Oh, of course, the boy must be too young to understand what he was talking about and he was vague enough to let him connect it to whatever he was talking about to begin with. But the sheer amount of chakra the boy had been hiding was monstrous, he had never personally felt so much chakra coming from one person, not even Kisame had this much to throw away in a fit. Or perhaps the boy lacked control... no, he could never have concealed it so well earlier then. This was bad. "Ahem, stranger-chan, I think you have misunderstood me, I did not mean to suggest... cooking so much as... a human need for... companionship."
Immediately every ounce of power flooding the field vanished as though it never existed. "Oh, that's okay then." Naruto scratched the back of his head. "Ah ha ha ha, sorry I kind of freaked out like that."
"Orochimaru-sama!" Came a yell from the distance as four figures rapidly approached to form a defensive pattern in front of their leader.
"Tch. None of you are very appetizing either. Ick, tainted meat." Naruto muttered, noticing a corrosive chakra burning through the new-comers.
"What'd that cock-sucking fagget just say?" Tayuya roared.
"Tayuya, a lady shouldn't..." Jirobo started, falling off into silence as Orochimaru spoke.
"Stranger-chan... Ku ku ku, tell me, are you the one known as Zetsu's Chef?" Everyone between the snake and the chef tensed.
"Well of course not." They relaxed. "Aniki doesn't need a chef." They tensed again. "That's like saying I want to eat you guys." They relaxed, a little. "I mean, who wants tainted meat?" They tensed again, but for a different reason.
Tayuya took a firm stance and drew her combat-flute, lifting it to her lips. Naruto, sensing her attack, grasped the handle of his battle-pan.
"Tayuya-chan. Do try to avoid starting unnecessary fights with those stronger than you." The sannin said quietly. The kunoichi lowered and put away her weapon grudgingly. "Now then, Chef-kun, how would you like to join a village and have a home again, hmm?"
"Why does everyone think I'm some kind of missing-nin? I never came from a village." Naruto grumbled back, slightly annoyed.
"What I mean, Chef-kun, is perhaps I can offer you a place in Otogakure."
Naruto blinked. "...You mean you don't want to destroy me for being a monster that devours all I see?" It was understandable he had some difficulty getting over that little detail, most shinobi and even normal people tended to harp on it.
"Ku ku ku, you would be required to work with the shinobi around you and not eat them of course, but if you were to eat ninja from somewhere else, what do I care?" Orochimaru countered reassuringly.
"I, ...I guess that sounds alright..." For someone whose every good memory was of traveling around and whose nightmares were tempered by visions of his only previous home, his hesitation towards settling down was surprisingly slight. The shock of finding someone who didn't think he was a monster kept him from thinking about it too hard.
The sound four shifted uneasily but remained silent.
"I don't believe I've heard your name, Chef-kun." The snake pressed on.
"Oh, right. I'm Naruto." The chef replied, grinning sheepishly.
The Otokage smiled back in something resembling anticipation.
#Otogakure#
"You wanted to see me Orochi-datesha?" The newest Oto-jounin asked, stepping into the Otokage's office.
"Ah, yes. Naruto-kun, I believe it's time you started your employment here properly, by taking on and training a team of genin. We have a certain lack of... quality jounin to teach our next generation." Orochimaru stated. "I have already selected a team for you."
"Oh, uh..." The chef scratched his reddish-orange hair absently. "I haven't really taught anyone before... Heh heh, this'll be great, but what recipes should I start them off on? Iwa-nin with ramen or nuke-nin with ramen?" He muttered off various possibilities as Kin, Dozu and Zaku stalked in.
Orochimaru began to reconsider handing over his failed experiments to this particular... ninja. But then again, it wasn't like they'd get any weaker hanging around him. In fact, if Naruto-kun frightened them enough, it would only make them more loyal to himself and all the more willing to sacrifice themselves, if only to get away from the madman. Yes, it was perfect.
Kin, Dozu and Zaku suddenly started sweating, feelings of impending doom baring down around them.
#Somewhere Between Iwa And Suna#
"Okay, good." Naruto said, then sighed. "Your combat skills are unusual, but flavorless and predictable once the spice of surprise is gone and the choice of jutsu you all use is too obvious from your appearance, letting your enemies prepare their pallets a little too well. You, long-hair. You will become better at taijutsu and terrain usage than genjutsu to surprise your opponents. Broom-head, weaponry and medical, haystack, gen over nin." Naruto nodded to himself as his charges whined. "Second, your stealth is dry and nowhere near subtle enough. You must all learn to pick up on you target's chakra and, more importantly, how to suppress your own so your prey doesn't catch on until it's already being fried up."
"That doesn't make any sense, sensei." Kin ground out, being the only one among the genin able to speak without exploding in rage.
Out of nowhere this bastard their own age shows up, becomes their jounin-sensei and drags them off to some random location between Suna and Iwa, then has them parade around until they attracted a patrol, which they then had to kill while he sat back watching. All while listening to his terrible cooking analogies. Honestly, he made it sound like they were going sautte and marinate the ninja they just struggled to defeat.
"Now, I realize, thanks to Orochi-datesha, that most shinobi training doesn't cover this next part, so I'll walk you guy through it, step by step. So, do any of you know anything about marinade or sautte?" The chef asked, casually drawing both his pan and knife. His genin sweat-dropped but were otherwise frozen. "I thought so." He tossed out a small scroll of instructions and a storage scroll on top two of the dead bodies. "See if between the three of you you can make a... workable ramen out of those two and if it passes for a first attempt you get to eat before we start drilling the basics of cooking into you."
The genin hesitated, expecting this to all be a sick joke, only to be disappointed as his stern gaze fell upon them. They took the scrolls to see what they had to work with.
Naruto smiled before flipping the other two ninja from the patrol into his battle-skillet. They'd learn what they needed in the two and a half months Orochi-datesha gave him with them. Yes, these apprentices would do nicely.
#And So Time Passes#
"I, Hatake Kakashi, hereby nominate team 7 to participate in this year's chunin exam. I feel that it's..."
"...it's time. I have a special assignment for your team, Naruto-kun. You will be officially..."
"...officially recognize Obito Namikaze as my successor. He will transition into the office of Hokage during the chunin exams and..."
"...and then during the finals Gaara will transform, forcing Konoha..."
"...Konoha during the end of the chunin exams if we keep this pace up. It'd probably be best if we waited until all the foreign ninja were gone before we start announcing..."
"...announcing our intent by snatching away Shakaku during the finals. This will hopefully make the kyuubi container panic and reveal himself. You have your orders."
#Chunin Exam Prologue (Team 7)#
Sasuke brooded and contemplated while leaning on the team 7 meeting bridge. He was strong for a genin in their first year, exceedingly so in fact. He had been training since the age of six to be worthy of taking up his proper place as clan heir, something that had to give him some kind of edge. He also had a nearly complete Sharingan, which was another advantage. He was positive he could defeat any of the rookie genin and even most of those a year or two ahead of him... Yet there were going to be the best from every village coming. Some might say Konoha was the strongest, but with what he had witnessed in Wave, that probably meant numbers-wise instead of individual strength of ninja.
No, he was good, he was strong and he was fast, but he wasn't so full of himself as to believe there was no one out there who could match or even defeat him. He was lucky the clan outcast had defeated his brother, the prodigy, because that had taught him an important lesson, or at least prepared him to learn it when Zabuza nearly beat Kakashi only for both to be defeated by one lone child of a nuke-nin with an almost casual air. There was always someone better. Age mattered little and therefore rank mattered even less. After all, Zetsu's Chef looked to be just thirteen or fourteen, yet he defeated two older jounin easily and maybe even four, if Kurenai's suspicions about her own defeat were to be believed. A shame she got blind-sided after putting a genjutsu on the chef, she shouldn't have been so overconfident as to close her eyes in preparation once she was done.
So it was safe to guess that anyone he encountered during the exam was stronger than himself, even if his most reasonable guesses said they couldn't be. As Itachi and Obito's fight had proven, the Sharingan was not invincible. Yes, he was ready to try.
Sakura, further down the bridge fretted and glanced between the flowing water and her black-haired teammate. Having only compared herself to Sasuke-kun before she had been assured of her own ability as a kunoichi thanks to being ranked as the best in her year. But now, after having seen Kurenai and Hinata in action, not to mention Kiba and Shino, she wasn't so sure any longer. The other genin had awed her during the beginning of the fight despite losing spectacularly against the faux hunter-nin, at least before the fog set in. The only reason Hinata was posted with her, was because the Byakugan couldn't pierce Zabuza's mist and only saw a bright glow, making her actually worse off using it than not. Making her as worthless as Sakura was, in other words.
Had she been slacking off that much? Hinata was a mediocre to bad kunoichi in the academy, had no self-confidence and didn't even seem to have any real motivation, yet now she was far beyond Sakura's skill level. And Kurenai had been incredible too, was the standard really that high? No, of course not! She steeled herself and vowed to train harder so she wouldn't be such a burden to her darling Sasuke-kun. In fact, she would rise up until it got to the point where she could help him, only then would she be worthy of being with Sasuke-kun, when he could rely on her as much as she relied on him.
With new determination she made a fist and flared her chakra as inner-Sakura screamed out "cha!" She was definitely entering the chunin exam and she was going to become a chunin for sure! And then, then Sasuke-kun would love her! Looking back on it, of course he thought she was annoying when she was holding him back as a sexy damsel in distress! It had to be almost as annoying as how they never had a third genin in any of their fights!
And the third genin of team 7 fell over backwards in surprise at Sakura's outburst while sitting on the railing, knocking himself out and drowning in the two foot deep stream flowing under the red and white bridge.
#(Sabaku no kyoudai)#
"Gaara..." Temari groggily groaned as she sat up in the hotel's bed. "Can't sleep?" She muttered drowsily.
"Yeah... Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you nee-chan." The form standing at the window answered absently without turning around.
"Is it..."
"No. ...no, I just... Do you think... Do you think I can protect you when... When I..."
Temari rose and lazily stalked over to her little brother, lightly wrapping her arms around him, heedless of her under-dressed state. "I'm sure it'll be fine otouto. I... No, we believe in you."
"Thanks... Nee-chan." Gaara muttered, relaxing slightly in his sister's arms. He yawned. "I guess I should get some sleep, huh?"
Temari tousled his hair and stalked back to her bed. "Well, you should get as much rest now as you can." She replied, throwing the sheets back over her body and laying down. "Good night Gaara."
"Good night... Nee-chan" Gaara mumbled as he leaned back against the wall and fell asleep. Kankuro rolled over and snored.
#(Team Chef)#
Kin hastily slurped up the last of her fried onions and Kumo-nin with ramen before thrusting her bowl forward and shouting out "seconds!" alongside Zaku. Dozu made a noise that sounded like "idiots" while savoring his reverently.
They were currently camped out a bit off from the wall of Konoha, enjoying a reward their sensei made out of a chance find. Who knew there were so many easily found spies lurking around foreign villages? While they had all learned to cook 'decently' under his instruction, none of them could make anything all that tasty except for nuke-nin onigiri with ramen, which had been very disturbing to learn how to make. Their sensei, however, was amazing. He even helped them rest and recover after training instead of leaving their beaten bodies laying in the training area until they gathered the strength to crawl to a medic. That doesn't sound like much, but it was way above their expectations at the time.
Somehow he had not only made them develop far beyond their expectations for such a narrow time frame, he was also perhaps the greatest chef in the world. To think that before this they had found the thought of eating other ninja disgusting and wrong and that someone nearly their own age would have nothing to show them. Now they couldn't dream of life without chakra-enriched food. Not only that, he had shown them how to make it themselves! Orochimaru might have brought the together, but he'd treated them like trash afterwards, Naruto-sensei on the other hand...
Kin blushed and giggled, prompting the entire team to look at her oddly. Dozu shook his head sadly and focused on his meal again muttering "idiot". Zaku developed a sinister grin while Naruto just looked clueless.
"So Kin, what's so funny?" He started as their bowls were refilled. "You weren't just thinking about sensei were you?"
Dozu jerked to attention and glared at Kin while she turned a deeper red and told Zaku to shut up. How dare she laugh at their sensei! Then he took in her blush, confirming that she was not giggling at their sensei, but instead as part of one of her perverted fantasies and promptly resumed eating.
Kin grumbled something while hiding most of her face with her bowl.
Zaku chuckled again as he tore into his second portion. It was weird to go from unwanted to lab rat to tool to part of a close-knit group so fast, but with the way their sensei was, it just kind of came naturally. To think he'd ever enjoy spending time around his teammates had been utterly outrageous to him since he started his ninja career if not longer. But then again, it wasn't like there was any reason not to. Besides, Orochimaru-sama needed ninja and so keeping more ninjas alive was of some importance, and if he could get good enough he might even surpass Kabuto one day. But in the meantime he couldn't wait to show the Otokage how much stronger he'd gotten.
After all, even this moment he owed to Orochimaru-sama. So long as Naruto-sensei and Orochimaru-sama weren't trying to kill each other it didn't really matter which one he liked more, since they were both on the same side, right?
Zaku killed that line of thinking by calling out for thirds with Kin. Why would Naruto-sensei ever want to kill Orochimaru-sama? What a weird thought.
#Author's Notes#
Ah, I should probably mention here that this has been sitting on my computer for months and I'm just now posting what I wrote way back when, so updating is going to be semi-sporadic and probably occur in bursts of a few chapters at once when I think of it. Sorry.
Oh, and the #And So Time Passes# block, each of those speeches are spoken by different groups, it's not switching back and forth and if you know whose talking in one of them, they aren't talking in any of the others.
Onigiri - Riceball-ish thing, usually triangle shaped.
Datesha - Dude. Generally, one wouldn't refer to their boss as dude.
Kyoudai - Siblings.