Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else correlating to Harry Potter besides the plot of this story and... that's around it, actually.
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Harry woke up with a start, looking up at the plain white ceiling of a place he was very familiar with and feeling rope-like burns on his neck.
He turned his head around and saw Hermione and Madam Pomfrey sitting and standing next to the infirmary bed reserved for him respectively.
"Ah, Mr Potter, you're awake. Here, drink this." Harry accepted the bubbling potion, and with the air of a experienced potion tester, downed it in one go.
...only to sick it back up a few seconds later.
"Like it, Mister Potter?" Madam Pomfrey sniffled as she watched Harry suffer. "That should teach you to ask your girlfriend to asphyxiate you while doing whatever you two were doing."
"cough cough what?!" Harry glared at Hermione through a film of tears and pain. The accused just shrugged.
"Yes, Mr Potter. I am suprised you would ever do such a thing, but, I guess hormones have a very strong influence over the young of today," Madam Pufferfish sniffled, "Any who, you should defer from practising such acts again for 50 years, lest you actually like vomiting."
Harry just continued coughing, and thus his 'girlfriend' replied for him, "Don't worry, Madam Pomfrey, I'll make sure he doesn't do that."
"You do just that, now, Miss Granger." As they walked out(translation: As Hermione dragged a sobbing Harry out), Madam Pomfrey slammed the infirmary door shut behind them, walked to her office, and poured herself a glass of firewhiskey from a bottle labelled: "In case of Potter shenanigans". The long suffering med-witch sighed. "Damn hormones."
She had thought Lily would have been able prevent her husband's kinks from appearing in her son, and she would never have to heal non-accident induced strangulation ever again, but nooooooooo, she just had to die, didn't she?
She then silently cursed painkillers for not working under the effects of alcohol, and chugged the rest of the glass and previously full bottle.
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Headmaster's office
When Madam Pomfrey slammed the door
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Order of Merlin, First Class, Headmaster of Hogwarts, whatever else and insane lunatic with a lemon drop obsession was perfectly uncaring of the fact he was old, thank you very much.
Albus knew that with age usually came experience and wisdom, and had deduced that he had basically experienced everything life had to offer in this millennium, given his advanced age.
He was quite obviously wrong, based on the look of surprise on his face when he saw the youngest Weasley male charge through his office door.
"PROFESSEOR DUMBLEYDORR YOU GOTTA LEND ME YOUR FLOO TO GET BACK HOME IZ UR-GENT"
After considering that it was Christmas, Albus reached into a cavity(dont think sick) and pulled out a pinch of Floo Powder, which he sprinkled on the heaving boy's open palms.
"TANK YE" Young Ronald then threw the Floo powder onto Fawkes, screamed 'TEH BORROW! ' and jumped on the hapless un-roastable turkey.
Albus then started filing out a form for informing the Board about student pregnancies, checking the box that was labelled 'Did the father run?' He then sighed. He had thought students would have developed enough common sense to not run to their family obsessed parents after getting someone pregnant, but apparently not.
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Teh Borrow
Mrs Wesley was feeding the chickens when a red-head boy in what looked like a bunch of cloth badly stiched together jumped out from the hen she was feeding, which had spontaneously combusted into green flames.
"MAM MAM MAM" The lanky boy then looked around. "Excuse me, madam," he said, suddenly calming down. "where am I?"
Mrs Wesley calmly pointed to a sign just beside the chicken coop that said "St Ottery Catchpole".
"Thank you, madam." The kid considerately walked out of her garden before running east while screaming for his mother.
"GET OFF MAH LAWN, YOU LITTLE..." Her husband looked around the garden stupidly, pitchfork in hand. He then turned to her. "Molley, where are the intruders, and why is the chicken burning?"
The long suffering woman just sighed, and said, "Weasley."
"Oh." Uthur Wesley then walked back into the house. He came back out five minutes later with two glasses of whisky in hand, and offered one to his wife, which she gratefully accepted.
"Damn our similar names," Uthur slurred after drinking about five glasses of the throat burning concoction. Molley just nodded.
This was the one thousandth, seven hundredth and thirty five case of property damage they owned to the Weasleys. The weary couple wished that the bureaucrats that received the complains actually replied to them and stopped sending letters to tell them to stop complaining about themselves.
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Hogwarts
"Alright, Harry," said Hermione to the very unfortunate boy, "let's start your training in using the Abra Kadabra."
She whipped out her wand, and transfigured a table into a cacrass.
"Try," She instructed a suddenly very pale Harry.
"Hermione..." He said in between trembles, "is that a real dead body?"
Hermione bent down, and pressed two fingers on the festering naked human. "The last time I checked, yes. Get up Harry," she instructed, Harry's legs having very understandably given out, "we haven't got all afternoon."
The Golden Gryfindor Boy-Guy-Man stood back up, albeit a bit shakily, and raised his wand at the body. Hermione backed away.
"Okay, Harry, concentrate on love, anddddddd... cast!"
"Ah...Ah... Abra Cadabra!" A beam of brilliant white light spurt from the Phoenix wand and raced across the distance between it and it's target. It connected with a near blinding flash of, you guessed it, light.
The resulting white smoke covered the entire room, smothering them in its carrot-like scent.
"Did it work?" Hermione inquired. The smoke started to clear.
Where the dead man's body was was a equally dead rabbit.
"Huh. Well, that confirms that..." Hermione took out a clipboard from somewhere, and started to write something down, all the while muttering technicalities to herself.
"What?" Harry said, in a stone-dead voice. Without looking up, Hermione replied, "The dead carcass-table thing did not revive, but instead turned into a rabbit. This confirms that the spell, Abra Kadabra, has either has two functions, or does not work properly on a transfigured object. You also might have said the incantation incorrectly, or performed it without the correct trigger for the spell, which in this case, is the feeling of love."
She stopped scribbling, and looked up. "This means that we have to retry this experiment on a later date, but with an actual dead body."
Harry, upon hearing that, again, quite understandably, turned green.
"Can we do this on a later date or something?" Harry squeaked quite weakly.
"Well, actually, I think we have to." Harry sighed in relief. "I need to feed Crookshanks, and my invisible giant dung beetle/lazer shark hybreeds."
Harry, once again very understandably, turned pale.
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"So, Ron," asked Bill Weasley, "what made you rush home to ask Dad to ask me about curse-breaking?"
Ron handed over the book he had borrowed from the library. As he watched Bill pour over the tome, before excitedly Floo-ing Gringotts to tell them he was going to take a vacation to conduct individual research for his family, he shivered, feeling the same sensation of importance and foreboding that he felt upon discovering the book.
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And that's it.
Sorry for not posting for so long, but life hit me pretty hard in the form of revision and written papers in the last month or so.
I should be able to start posting regularly soon.
No promises though.
Side note, if anyone has any ideas relating to this fic, or any omakes and such, you are welcome to spam me with them.
No, seriously.
-Thick Soup
Omake
The next day, an anonymous individual under fifty glamour and concealing charms gave a speech about invisible lazer dung beetle sharks that no one listened to.
That is, until a giant ball of faces, comprised of many different species' waste was found in the Great Hall.
After that, the newly formed Society Against Crimes Against Nature(S.A.C.A.N) gained over half the student population overnight, with Harry Potter as the head.
It subsequently fell apart after its members were attacked by a barrage of high intensity gamma rays during a meeting, which also dissuaded all except Harry from continuing the petition they were deciding on.
A bushy haired girl stroked her cat evilly as she watched Harry try to push the petition forward single-handedly.