It's not a big deal.

It really isn't.

She knows she wouldn't be able to give herself to Yousef the way he'd inevitably want. So really, it's a blessing in disguise. Noora can give him all of that and he'd be good for her.

She feels bad about Isak, can still see his blood on her hands, but he'll be ok. Even is with him. His boys are with him. She'll do a couple of his assignments until he heals. He'll forgive her.

And the bus thing was stupid anyway. She should be glad she found out the kind of snakes those girls are before she got too deep. More blessings. Vilde's betrayal stings a little, but it's not entirely unexpected. Vilde is careless. She doesn't really consider Sana and that's fine. It's all fine. Sana can handle it.

Except.

She can't.

Unless handling it is this. Crying into her hands, sitting on a bench, God knows where. It's pathetic. And she feels it in her core. She's not enough. Not normal enough. Not good enough for her friends or the boy she likes.

Somehow she finds her way home. Past her mother with fake reassurances, and a faux steady voice.

No mom, I was just too tired to stay later. Yes, I've already eaten.

Sana finds no solace in her prayers tonight. The image of Noora and Yousef kissing burns behind her eyelids, replaying over and over until it's branded into her brain. The feeling of Isak's warm blood lingers on her hands and it's all her fault. She could have been better. Could have done more.

If there's one thing she loves, needs, it's control. She needs to be in charge and see every detail. So how, when things were finally falling into place, could everything have slipped so far out of her grip?

She's pulled from her thoughts when her Elias' door slams shut, and suddenly, she's filled with anger. She may not be able to control Yousef or Noora or anyone else, but she can take control of this. Get answers. Have him apologize. Something, anything to cut away the guilt and the heartache and the shame.

"Elias, what is wrong with you?" Her voice is quiet, but tone deadly. She'd barged in expecting a fight. Ready for one.

Instead she's met with shuddering shoulders and a hung head.

His eyes are red rimmed when he looks up at her."I didn't-you have to believe me-Sana, I never wanted it to happen like that." She's never seen her brother so shaken. He looks moments away from collapsing and she feels like she's looking at a child. So she puts her heartbreak and anger aside and holds her older brother.

"I never meant any of it. But Mikael was so close to breaking and I couldn't just-he's one of my best friends. You have to know, it wasn't about Even. Or that he's gay. And, fuck, I swear I was trying to keep them apart."

"It doesn't change that it happened."

They don't say anything else. Just sit next to each other on his bed. Sana thinks about telling her brother what happened. With the bus girls and yousef. Thinks that maybe it'll lighten the load. Maybe he'll have some kind of solution, a revelation about the whole thing that she's just not seeing. But at most she'll get judgement. A sniffled 'I told you so.' She doesn't have it in her to make this about herself, even its what she desperately needs.

"You know, Mikael kissed Even before all that shit happened. He told everyone else that it was the other way around, but he came to me after, crying. And, fuck Sana, he's like my little brother. I just wanted to protect him. And then he saw Even with that kid. I don't think he's completely over it. Or him. I don't know."

She's not sure what or how to process any of this. Tonight has been too much. Too many feelings she's not equipped to handle. No one taught her how to deal with all of this. It's easy to villainize Elias' friends. But they're all just human. With faults and feelings. She knows that. And she realizes that she should extend that same understanding to everyone and everything that went wrong tonight.

Sana's aware of how hard she is to work with. She just feels like she has to try so hard just to fit in the same way everyone else does. And if trying hard comes across as defensive or mean, then she can't help it. And she doesn't share much with her friends. If Noora knew how she felt about Yousef, then maybe it wouldn't have turned out like it had. She's got just as many faults as Mikael or Sara.

"Do you think Even knows i didn't mean it?" Sana startles; she'd forgotten he was sitting beside her.

"I think Even doesn't know you anymore. And that he probably believes it. I can't sugar coat it, he's my friend. I think you've hurt him. But I know that he's got a good support system. And that he's got an enormous heart. If anyone can forgive you, it's Even."

"It feels like I'd be betraying Mikael."

"Mikael needs to get his head out of his ass and apologize."

"He doesn't hate him. He's just hurt and confused. You know how his family is."

"That's up to him, then. If he goes on like he is, then that's on him. But, I think you would all benefit from making it right with Even. He's a really good guy, you know. His boyfriend too." She smiles, a special soft one reserved for the two boys she's come to love so fiercely. But then she thinks of the broken look on Even's face and the way Isak winced away from everyone but him. They're going to be fine.

"When did you get to be so smart?" Elias' signature smirk is back, albeit a little dim. For a moment she feels like she's seven and her brother is bouncing a basketball between them, laughing at each other when they miss.

"I've always been smart, you're just too stupid to see it."

"Shut up. So, speaking of good guys…" He trails off, eyebrows quirking up.

"Yousef. Right. I think he's going to be happy with Noora. They seem good together."

"Noora? Your hot blonde friend? Nei, I'm sure he's into you." The look on his face alone makes her want to sob into his chest. She bites her lip before continuing.

"They were making out. After you left. So, yeah."

"Do you want me to fuck him up? I don't care if he's my friend, no one's allowed to hurt my baby sister." If only he knew.

"No. No more fighting for you." She does her best to keep her voice light, teasing. But it comes out strangled and she can't hold back her tears anymore. Elias holds her silently, stroking her back the way her mom used to when she was younger.

When she's cried out all her tears, she lets her lips quirk up. Everything may have gone to shit, but Sana knows she's strong. Her makeup is running and her heart is heavy, but now, as she's looking up at her brother, she knows she can make it through this. Perhaps, if she were the type of person to use metaphors and analogies, she'd imagine herself to be an indestructible force. If an apocalypse happened, it would be her and the cockroaches.

She's a little dented and rusty right now, but like hell will she let this break her.