Author's Notes: so I'm not sure if I'm going to go back and forth between Lex and Clark, or if I'm just going to do the same thing I did with In the Wake, feedback is, as always, much appreciated.
"Will you stay with me to the end? When there's nothing left, but you and me and the wind. We'll never know till we try to find the other side of goodbye. Please stay. Please stay. Two words I've thought I'd never learn to say. Don't go away. Please stay," Warren Zevon
"How?" Lex asks, his eyes getting big, and sad. He stands up, pacing back and forth, across the room. He won't look at me, which I guess isn't all that surprising especially when you consider what I just let happen. I promised to love and protect him, and I couldn't even do that. I think he's mad at me, or maybe just afraid.
Lex is asking because he knows that I don't know how to fix this. I can't help him. I can't even stop Lionel, a nearly sixty-year-old man, from hurting Lex. We're both strong, bright, young men, there should be—there has to be something we can do. I just wish I knew what that something was. I watch him carefully for a while, trying to figure out whether or not I should get up and try to hold him or not.
"How about we go back to the farm? It might be easier to think of a plan at home." When I say that word, he looks up into my eyes, trying to hide a tiny little smile. "Yeah. It's your home now too, if you want it to be." He nods, once, taking a couple of tentative steps towards the bed.
"Clark?" For the first time since I've known him, Lex seems small, completely vulnerable, and maybe even a little bit weak. His voice is shaky, uncertain, and I know what he's about to ask, before the words come out of his mouth. I watch as he takes the twenty steps from the window to the bed, places his hands on my shoulders, and lowers himself to the mattress, slowly. "I need you to do something for me. I want you to make love to me, like before, so that everything can go back to normal again. I—please, I need this." He's practically begging me, and I know this is a bad idea, a monumental mistake, but I find myself unable to refuse. He's in so much pain. So, scared, so desperate. He needs me.
"If you—if I'm gonna go slow, and be gentle, okay?" I ask. He nods again, unable to form more words. Come to think of it, that's more than everything else he's said in the four hours since the attack. I think it took a lot out of him. "And if you want—if you need me to stop, we should, you can say that, or anything. I don't wanna hurt you. I don't want this to blend with what he just did."
"It wasn't the first time," he whispers, his word are like tiny pin drops. I don't know why but I never thought about that one. I'd never considered the possibility that something like this might have—could have happened before. If I didn't hate Lionel with every fiber of my being before, I sure as Hell do now.
"Then I guess I have to make sure there is no way he can ever do it to you again. I don't know how, yet, but I'll think of something. I promise. Lex nods again, pressing his lips to mine, feverishly. I remove the top of his pajamas, one button at a time, stopping once it's open, unable to stop myself from staring at the handprint bruises on each side of his waist.
"I—can I keep the shirt on?" Still Lex's voice is nearly silent, and yet I hear every word, re-buttoning it in a snap, and watching as Lex's body relaxes significantly. When I reach for the waistband on his bottoms, his shoulders, back, waist, head, neck, legs all stiffen. Pretty much every part of his body—except for the part we would want to be that way—is stiff.
"Do you want me to stop?" I ask. Lex shakes his head vigorously. "Lex, you're terrified. All that this is going to do is make you afraid of me. It could destroy our relationship. It could be the end of everything."
"I. Need to. Feel. Normal again. You're the. Only one who. Can do that. For me. That's why I. That's why I never told you. Didn't want to be treated like, I'm made of glass. Please," he begs, batting his eyelashes, softly. I slowly pushing him to the bed, pulling his bottoms, and boxers over his hips, watching as Lex begin to quiver.
"I love you so much but—I'm not sure if I can do this—I don't think I can—you know…" It's weird I don't think I ever thought I'd pass up an opportunity to have sex with someone I love, but the look in Lex's eyes, that pain, fear, anger, betrayal, confusion, and nausea. It's like having to watch him go through it all over again. "I'm sorry." Lex bolts up, pulling my boxers off, bringing his face to my waist. He grips my cock in his left hand, starting to kiss it softly. "Please stop." And he does, lying back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
I lay down next to him, pulling Lex's small, thin frame into my arms, and holding him close to my body. "It's okay," I whisper softly, over and over, trying to make up for not being able to do what he wanted, for not being able to help him.
"I guess this will have to do." He exhales a long, deep sigh, snuggles close, and presses his head to my chest. "Will you take me," he pauses slowly, "home/" I rush around the room, gathering all of our things, packing it, redress Lex, and then scoop him up, and check out. Then we're back home, sitting at the kitchen table.
Lex is staring off into space, and I'm doing my best not to burn a hole into the wall. Right now, I can barely keep myself from racing over to the mansion, snapping Lionel in half, and running home to Lex with the good news. Then he could just stay here forever and be safe. Wait a minute, that's actually not such a bad idea. Not the whole killing Lionel thing, but the other part.
"Lex?" I ask, softly placing my hand on top of his. Lex lifts his head slow and calm. He looks right at me, small tears in the corners of his eyes, and the streaks of more running along his cheeks. "I have an idea, about how to make you safe, how to keep you safe."
"There's nothing," he tells me, weakly, but with a small amount of anger still in his voice. It's almost like he's mad at me, although I don't know why I keep thinking that. "Nobody can help."
"What if you stay here, with us? I mean, we're married now. We're family. You can live here with me and my mom, and you'll be safe, because I'll always be here, I'll always be around to protect you."
"But he knows how to hurt you," Lex reminds me. "He might come here and do something to you too." Lex shakes his head. "No. I can't let that happen. I can't. I can't."
"He won't come here. If you give—if things were different, then he'd have no reason to come here. If you told him—or if I told him, if you really want to stay here and be part of our family, he might leave you alone, if you…"
"You mean, if I wasn't a—if I stop fighting for his approval, you think that might work? And you really want me to be here? Can I really stay?" he asks. It's clear that he doesn't want to get his hopes up, but at the same time he's excited because Lex has never been part of a real family before.
Other than his mom, I'm the only person who has ever really loved him. I love Lex more than anything, and I will do whatever it takes to protect him. I think this might actually work.
"Yes. I do. I love you, and I want us to be a real family. Please, move in here with me. Stay. Please stay."