Wherein begins much angst. :-(

Volcano

2.

The very next day they return to Earth. There is so much to do that they barely see each other, except on the Bridge, all day. As soon as an opportunity presents itself Spock heads over to the Captain's Starfleet quarters with the intention of carrying on where they had broken off the night before. He is on the verge of knocking on the door when he is stopped by a sound like a bucket of ice cold water down the back of the neck. It is a sound he knows only too well – that of Jim Kirk engaging in intercourse – or as his brain angrily interjects fucking – in this case what sounds like a pair of female Caitians.

A low growl starts to rise in him, unbidden, from that low down place that only Kirk can reach, and he clenches his fists until it feels like they will explode. He only just stops himself from roaring aloud from the hurt and thr fury that builds up and up spreading through his bodylike a virus, clouding his brain with its poison until he wants to break in there and rip them all to pieces, saving the Captain for last, savour his pain and destruction –

- hateyou hate youJimKirk, worst thing that ever happened to me I will destroy you, break you riptearkill, hate you, hate youbastard-dothistome – liartraitorcheatcheatcheat –

He swallows the poison down, slams his fist into the wall until the knuckles bleed, returns to his room and files the report.

It does not make him feel any better.

_x_

Spock is not surprised to get the call from Admiral Pike the next morning and he rather suspects he knows to what it pertains. Kirk, quite clearly, has no idea of what is coming and positivelybounces on his way to Pike's office, like an exciteable puppy. His exuberance as he babbles away makes Spock feel, at least temporarily, a little guilty. He is so sweet when he is excited and that innocent enthusiasm has always been something Spock found rather endearing.

On the other hand he is still seething with fury and betrayal. Seeing Kirk all excited just reminds how how much the human touches his feelings, however hard he tries to hide them, he reaches in and grabs at them as though he is physically trying to take out his heart. He does not want to contemplate his feelings at this time. He cannot believe how blissfully unaware Kirk is of how much he has hurt him, and when Kirk pats him on the shoulder it is all he can do not to punch him; hard to believe he cannot hear the wave of hatred and anger in his brain –

Touched me how dare you touch me could kill you should kill you hate you hate you traitor liar love you cheat always help me how dare you how dare you –

And perhaps Kirk does at least pick up on something because damnit if he doesn't start fucking flirting without even breaking stride –

"Ladies – James Kirk".

All he even needs to do is introduce himself and it is the equivelant of slipping his room number into their underwear, making Spock wonder if he is actively trying to enrage him – like he hasn't managed already – the fact that he apparentl has no idea what he is doing to him does not make the Vulcan feel any better at all. He is so dense, so careless, so negligent of other people's feelings that Spock finds himself hating Kirk as passionately as he did the first day they met.

And yet he still attempts to defend him to Pike, his foul mood provoking him to go so far as to be deliberately obtuse towards a superior –

"I am a Vulcan sir, we embrace technicalities." He protests

"Are you giving me attitude Spock?"

The admiral sounds almost intrigued, bordering on delighted in a manner very similar to Kirk's in fact. "I am expressing multiple attitudes simultaneously –" you have no idea he thinks – "To which were you referring?"

He sees Kirk almost grin at this and it does not please him to be reminded that he knows him well enough to be aware of what passes in a Vulcan for insubordination. Still, he registers the look of betrayal on Kirk's face when he realises that Spock reported him with a painful twinge of unpleasant pleasure. Satisfying to think betrayal yes, give you back a little of what you gave me, hope it chokes you insulting bastard –

So that when Pike orders him to leave he is only too happy to go and he waits not far ouside the door listening to the rather gratifying sound of – in human parlance – a useless asshole getting his arse handed to him.

He is still there when Kirk comes storming out o few moments later, sees him standing there and does all but bare his teeth in a snarl. Spock realises, not liking the fact, that he has been actively waiting for this confrontation. For a couple of moments they eye each other warily, eyes narrowing almost to match each other and the human moves for him, his fists clenched, nostrils flaring, lip curling –

"Hear what you wanted Spock?" he spits.

"I cannot say I quite follow Captain.

"Not anymore commander – no thanks to you."

"I see –" he almost smirks – "Ensign."It is the perfect way to insult, perfectly accurate and yet a challenge he knows Kirk will not avoid –

"Oh fuck you you fucking –" he explodes, trying to keep it together – "Why'd you do it Spock? What'd I ever do to you?"

Spock sneers –

" Because it has to be personal doesn't it? It woudn't occur to you that someone was merely doing their job and behaving in a professional manner. It has to be a personal attack on the great James Kirk –" he emits waves of sarcasm, rather hoping that Kirk will drown in it. Kirk looks genuinely bemused, so unaware of what he has done wrong that he cannot even reply. Spock decides to enlighten him –

"I came by your quarters last night –" he clarifies, each word withering in it's own little pool of ice – "You were – shall I say – otherwise engaged."

Understanding and anger dawning at once in the human's eyes.

"That's what this is about? You make me loose my ship because you're fucking jealous?"

"Vulcans do not get jealous."

It is usually the perfect retort,the Vulcans- do- not defence, that is no answer and work on the assumption that the other person will forget he is half human. It usually does work, just not this time –

"Oh you give me that every fucking time Spock as if I don't know better; I've seen your face every time I fucking talk to a girl – jesus, we're not engaged for fuck sake –"

"Nevertheless I had foolishly assumed some level of commitment on your part. A mistake I shall not be repeating –"

"Commitment? The fuck Spock? – I never gave you shit"

"A statement with which I must concur" Spock feels so cold the words must ice up on hs lips, certainly even Kirk seems affected by it, but then he is always affected by everything –

"Besides if you were half as Vulcan as you pretend to be you'd know that talk is all I ever do."

"Indeed. Until last night. How long had you been waiting for the change of scene? Or have I missed something in the last few weeks?"

"Fuck you Spock! You know goddamn well where I've been the whole time we were in Space, it's not like I've had the fucking time even –"

"If my attentions were an inconvenience to you it might have been relevant to say so earlier. At any rate it will no longer be a concern to you."

"Oh because you listen to me anyway? Fuck, why am I even bothering? You're the one with the fucking girlfriend for fucks sake –"

"And I have informed you repeatedly that your implication is irrelevant. Moreover your manner of expressing yourself is infantile and unworthy of my time."

He turns his back on Kirk deliberately to provoke him, though unwilling to consult himself as to why – or to why he does not actually leave.

"You never do admit when you're spoiling for a fight do you Spock?" taunts Kirk. Spock eyes him narrowly over his shoulder, fists clenched –

"At least I do not fight first amd consider my conduct later" he spits through his teeth.

"Course you don't Spock, you're too fucking hypocritical for that aren't you? God I can't believe I'd even defend myself to you –"

Spock's eyes flash furiously at him as he fights to control himself.

"Of course you don't. That might suggest you credited anyone's feelings but your own –"

"Feelings – you? Don't make me laugh. Cold fucking traitorous bastard son of a bitch –"

Son of a bitch is one implication Spock will not tolerate. He roars, all teeth and fists, charging Kirk with an unrestrained blow that throws him down the corridor. He advances, fast closing in as Kirk sits up, winded and whincing from the blow but still better able to speak than Spock is –

"Oh – what – does that bother you? It's okay to call you a heartless bastard as long as I don't call your mom a bitch?"

Spock growls in inarticulate rage, bending over Kirk to punch him repeatedly, but the human is good at dodging punches and manages to goad him even while taking a few –

"Think about it Spock –" he almost laughs at him, even while flinching and dodging – "You don't get to be that much – of a fucked up arsehole – on your own – do you? – Me? – I blame the parents – jerk." He kicks Spock in the stomach with both feet, throwing him back. Spock leaps onto his feet, knocking Kirk back down before he has a chance to pressforward and settling his hands violently around his throat –

"I should kill you –" he hisses, "It is you who do this to me – you –" He can feel Kirk's heart beating frantically, see his eyes roll, hear his frantic thoughts –

Spockdon'tkillmeplease.

- Do not dare speak to me like this again – Spock screams through the mind link, letting the human feel all of his pain, choking it into him to burn him from the inside – loved you damn you I'd kill you just for that but you do this to me, worthless pathetic whore I'd rather love anyone but you –

His hands shake with the pain and awfulness of this knowledge and it allows Kirk time to breathe and to spit the searing thought back –

Love me Vulcan? Like hell you do.

Something switches off in Spock's head, as though all that anger has short circuited his brain and he truly feels nothing, just a ringing in his ears and emptiness.

"You are correct human" he says, flatly, pulling back in defeat- "I do not love you any more than you love me. You were merely a distraction, a – toy I liked to use – and now –" he frowns, struggling beneath the weight of so many lies – "You disgust me. You are worthless – nothing, and you are nothing to me. " His lip twitches, adjusting himself to the cold dark feeling of getting the emotional detachment he had thought he wanted. "I trust your future conquests will be more successful" he intones leadenly, feeling the ice fill up his heart. He rises, looking down at the human as though from far away, falling backwards into blackness, lashing out one last time to kick Kirk in the balls with full Vulcan force. He feels nothing but a distant cruel pleasure to see the human double up screaming in breathless silence in a pain too great for words or even voice, his eyes streaming and hollow from shock.

"Live long and prosper"

Spock spits as he walks away.

_x_

And the moral of the story is don't piss of a Vulcan, kids! :-)