A/N: I put a T rating on this story because there will be mentions of prostitution. I don't plan on anything explicate and I may be a tad paranoid but Buck's mother was a prostitute and he did grow up in a brothel so I'm playing it safe.

Ida inhaled deeply as she felt the muscles in her stomach start to tighten again. For the moment they weren't painful, just uncomfortable. About an hour ago she had realized what the cramps she'd been feeling actually were, and although she was dreading what was to come she couldn't help but feel relieved as well. She was almost done; soon her baby would be born. No! This was not her baby and she wouldn't let herself think that way. Soon this horrible journey would be over; that was how she had to think. Just a little longer and she would be done with this.

Six hours later any doubts Ida might have had that it was time for the baby to come had been erased. Discomfort had deserted her some time ago; it was pain now, and pain unlike any she'd ever felt before. Why any woman would willingly choose to do this, especially more than once, was beyond her.

Groaning, Ida gripped Rita's hand, while Rita rubbed her back. The woman had been with her since the midwife had been sent for, encouraging her and trying to provide some relief from the pain. Ida appreciated the woman's presence there wasn't any relief to be had. Would this never end?

"Breathe, Ida," Rita reminded her. "It will be easier if you breathe."

Ida was trying to breathe but that was something that was easier said than done. Yes, the midwife had told her to breathe through the pains, she'd also told her to relax, which was nearly impossible. She had also insisted that all this was natural, but as far as Ida could tell there was nothing even remotely natural about any of this. If she could get her hands on Jack right now, she would kill him, and gladly. Still, just a little longer and this would be over. A little longer and she could put all this behind her and move on with her life. Another pain started to grow and Ida latched on to Rita's hand with a death grip. She could move on with her life if she lived that long.

A cry filled the room as Ida collapsed on the bed, panting, her legs trembling from the effort she'd just exerted. It was finally over. After all these long months, she could at last move past this mistake.

"It's a boy. Would you like to see you son?"

Ida warily opened her eyes at the midwife's question. Her son? Is that what he was? And did she want to see him? All these months she had forced herself to think of the baby as an inconvenience, a mistake that she couldn't be rid of fast enough, but now . . . after all she just endured to bring him into the world it seemed wrong not to see him at least once. It must have been a rhetorical question, however, because before she could reply the midwife brought the baby over and placed him on her chest.

Pushing herself up some more, Ida looked down to the baby, and her breath stopped. She'd never see anything so incredible. He was beautiful. In absolute awe, Ida stroked his cheek. This was her son. No. Ida had to beat back the idea again. This wasn't her son. This was a baby she would soon send away. But even if she would give him away soon, he had come from her, it was only natural she'd feel some connection to him. Wasn't it? She looked over to Rita. "Have you ever seen anything like this?"

"Ida," Rita said quietly. "Perhaps it would be better if you didn't hold him. It might be easier."

Easier? What did that mean? Ida bit her lip as understanding dawned on her. It would be easier to give him up. Maybe Rita was right. Maybe she shouldn't be doing this. For all the months she'd carried him it had never occurred to Ida that she should keep the baby, or even that she would want to, but now that he was in her arms . . . she never experienced anything quite like this before. The thought of simply passing him off, knowing she would never see him again, never know what his life turned out to be; suddenly the prospect was far more difficult than she'd thought it would be. "What-what are you going to do with him?"

"Take him to the church. The minister should be able to find someone to take him. If not, they can send him to the home in St. Louis."

Ida felt her eyes well up. Giving him up had been the plan from the beginning, but it seemed so cold now. The midwife came back over and Ida tightened her grip on her son when the woman reached for him. "No," she gasped, her voice bordering on panic. She wasn't ready yet.

The midwife gave her a strange look. "He needs to be cleaned up, dear. You both do. It won't take but a moment and you can see him again as soon as I'm done."

Nodding Ida relinquished her baby, the tears escaping as she watched the midwife start to bathe him. She hadn't wanted the woman to carry him across the room. How would she be able to stand watching Rita carry him away for good?

"Ida?"

Ida turned to Rita. "He's beautiful," she said, choking back a sob.

Rita glanced over to where the midwife was cleaning the baby, when she turned back to Ida there was sympathy in her eyes. "It's your choice."

Ida didn't answer. She just watched as the woman finished with her baby and returned him with a smile. Ida readily took him, filling more at ease as soon as he was nestled back against her chest. Her common sense was telling her she was making a mistake by not passing him off the Rita immediately and forgetting that the past few minutes had ever happened. Quickly, she silenced the inner voice, focusing only on her son. Lightly she ran her fingers across his dark hair, chuckling when he began to fidget.

Rita watched the young woman for a moment before she spoke again. "Ida, you don't have to do it if you don't want to."

The words stopped Ida. She had to do what was best for her son, and yes, he was her son. She couldn't deny it and she no longer wanted to. But could she raise a child? She was a prostitute. What did she know about being a mother? Would she be able to provide for him and give him a good home? On the other hand, if she gave him to Rita right now, what would she be sending him to? There was no guarantee he would be taken in by anyone who would love him. And if he was sent to St. Louis what would happen to him? Plenty of orphans never found homes; others were simply taken in by farmers for cheap labor. She couldn't knowingly send him off to that. She wasn't the best, Ida knew that, but she would love him. Suddenly he opened his eyes fully and looked up at her, his mother. The sight of those beautiful blue eyes pierced her heart, and Ida knew what she had to do.

"Ida?"Rita gently prodded.

Ida never took her eyes off her son. She shook her head as she began stroking his cheek with her finger. "I can't. I'm sorry but I can't. I can't let him go."

Ida sighed contentedly as she sat down and brought her son to her breast. It had been a little over a month since she'd given birth and she was amazed to find she was falling more in love with her son every day. Things weren't easy but she'd known when she made the decision to keep her baby things wouldn't be easy. She's known being a mother would be hard, and she'd known that her profession would undoubtedly provide unique challenges down the road, but not once had she regretted her choice. There were still times when the unpleasant thoughts of what kind of mother she would be, or doubts about being able to able to raise her son up into a decent man would come to her, but she never let herself dwell on those thoughts. She would do the best she could by him and that was all any mother could really do.

Ida felt a smile come to her face as she watched her son suckle, trying to remember her life before Buck had been a part of it. There were many things in her life Ida had no reason to be proud of and many things she regretted, but her son wasn't one of them. In fact, her little Buck was the best mistake she'd ever made. And Ida was certain that if she had known then what she knew now, he was a mistake she'd gladly make all over again.