Day Two

Lister paced back and forth across the Drive Room while the Cat sat at navigation, eating from a plastic food tray and wearing a flashy pink suit. Several empty food trays lay scattered across the console, and a stack of three more meals stood waiting for Cat to get around to eating them.

"I'm tellin' you, he's different, man," Lister said, still conflicted over what he'd done to Rimmer. "Pastin' in those memories must have, like, changed his personality somehow."

Cat was intent on his food, and made no attempt to hide his annoyance that Lister's ranting had interrupted his meal. "So? I thought that's what you wanted."

"I did. I do. It's just—" He floundered for the words, gesturing helplessly. Cat made a face.

"Then, why are you complainin'? You're happy, he's happy. Now leave me alone and let me eat my lunch!"

Rimmer bounded into the Drive Room, dressed in a fresh uniform and cheerfully humming La Vie En Rose, from Sabrina.

"Afternoon, all," he greeted. "I must say, Listy, that was a terrific film we saw yesterday. I can't get it out of my mind. Who'd have thought that, somewhere under that crusty exterior, that uptight, officious smeghead Linus would have had a heart, eh?"

Lister eyed him carefully. "Yeah, who'd have thought."

"Such a marvelous ending. Are there any other films like that?"

"What? Why?"

"I was just thinking," Rimmer said. "If there are, maybe we could make this film watching a regular thing."

"But I thought you hated all that mushy romantic crap!" Lister said.

"Well, yes, when the stories are unrealistic. Like that putrid Gone With the Wind tripe you forced me to endure two months ago." He made a face. "But this film really spoke to me, Lister. I don't know, maybe I'm still charged up from that surprise party. Perhaps it's been reliving my time with Lise. But I haven't felt this good in years."

He smiled a warm, genuine smile that left both Lister and the Cat thoroughly disconcerted. Unaware, he checked his watch and said, "Oop! I'd better pop off to see how the Skutters are getting on decontaminating the upper decks. See you gentlemen later." He gave a jaunty, normal salute and walked away with the easy stride of a man comfortable in his own skin, humming Yes! We Have No Bananas as he went.

Cat stared after him, his food tray forgotten. "Whoa, I see what you mean, buddy. Who was that man and what has he done with Alphabet Head?"

"It is Rimmer," Lister said. "But, friendly."

Cat shuddered. "It's not natural."

"I don't know." Lister seemed thoughtful. "It's sorta like that film, that Linus Larrabee character he was talkin' about. See, Linus was played by Humphrey Bogart—remember him from Casablanca?"

Cat gave a disinterested grunt. Taking that as encouragement, Lister went on: "—and his brother was William Holden; a blond, good-looking type. In the film, Linus's brother always got all the attention from the girls, right, while Linus dedicated his entire life to his career. He never thought he had time to find the right girl, a girl who loved him for himself. And that's how it's always been with Rimmer."

"So, why the change?" the Cat asked.

"It's Lise, I'm tellin' you. I reckon what we just saw is what Rimmer would be like if he thought someone cared about him. It's made him…well…happy."

"What happens when he finds out it's all a lie?"

Lister frowned. "What d'you mean, a lie?"

"You know what I mean, Grease Stain," the Cat said. "What happens when Goal Post Head finds out you pasted all that lovey-dovey stuff into his brain?"

Lister got right up in Cat's face, until he could smell the trout he'd been eating over his chic cologne. "He's not going to find out, is he. Because neither of us is ever, ever going to tell him. Ever. Got that?"

Cat pushed him away. "Hey, back off, monkey. You'll crease my suit! It's no big thing to me whether he knows or not. But I still think you'd have been better off getting him a tie."

Next up, Day Three. What do you think so far?