Friday, January 10, 2014

The first mammogram had been routine. The second one was not. She was called into the imaging room over and over again. And this time it hurt. No one would tell her anything, just that they needed to make certain they had very clear pictures. She was finally pulled aside and told that they needed to do an ultrasound. She was taken to a different waiting room. She was alone. The magazines were different here. No People, no Oprah. But there was a copy of WebMD. She wondered if this was their idea of easing her into the idea of cancer.

She had always hoped to have an ultrasound, but not on her breasts. She had accepted a few years ago that the hope of pregnancy was gone. She was simply too old.

She was finally called into the exam room. After lying on the table, she decided to just close her eyes and let this happen. None of it really seemed real.

But it was real.

"Ms. Benson, we would like you to follow up with a breast specialist and schedule a biopsy."

She felt her breath leave her.

"This is probably nothing, but we like to err on the side of caution."

So, still no answers. More phone calls, more appointments. She met with the breast surgeon the following Monday. She liked her. She found her very matter of fact and reassuring. The biopsy was scheduled for the following day.

Alone. She was starting to feel very alone. She didn't have anyone to talk to about what was going on. Until now she had managed to work all of her appointments into breaks at work. She felt like she was being herself on the job, but she wasn't sure. Sometimes she wondered if her coworkers knew something was up. But she couldn't worry about that now. She had to figure out how to get the following afternoon off from work without raising anyone's suspicions.

Arriving back at the 1-6 she knocked on Cragen's door. "Captain?"

"What's up Benson?"

I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon, and need to know if I can take some time off." She held her hand up to her cheek to imply that it was a dentist appointment without actually lying about it.

"Not a problem. Good luck with that." he smirked.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Alone, she arrived for her biopsy. The surgeon had indicated that this was a fairly routine procedure. Nothing to be afraid of. She was starting to get used to undressing from the waist up. She was starting to lose all modesty regarding her breasts. But, after lying on the exam table, she did cover herself with the paper "blanket." Once again, she decided to just close her eyes and let this happen.

Sometimes it was easier not to think about what the results would be. She couldn't change anything. Either it was or it wasn't. She was a little tired of not knowing. A little tired of the run-around.

The pain was pretty minimal. She could handle this. She just kept reminding herself that she was strong. She just needed to keep breathing.

"We should have the results in about a week. Your surgeon will call to follow-up."

A Week! I have to wait another week?! She managed to take a deep breath and keep that last response inside. "Thank you." and managed to keep herself from sprinting out of the office.

This didn't feel like law and order. This was chance and chaos

She managed to work a fairly normal week. Although she would occasionally find herself shut down, staring off into space. She still didn't think anyone noticed. She did her job professionally and well. It actually helped to keep her mind off of her personal problem. So she focused on being the best detective she could possibly be.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

She certainly hadn't forgotten about the biopsy. But when the phone call came she wasn't expecting it.

"Olivia Benson?" the caller asked.

"This is Olivia."

"This is Dr. Mitchell. Olivia, I'd like to have you come in this afternoon to review the results of your biopsy. Do you have any time?"

"Please, can you just tell me?"

"The results are positive for a malignancy."

"Well, that's not what I wanted to hear."

"And that's not what I wanted to have to tell you. But I would really like to sit down with you and go over everything. Please remember, that this is by no means a tragedy. This cancer is treatable and your prognosis is very good. Now that we have the results, we can make plans to get you through this. Would you be able to come by this afternoon?"

"Um, yeah, sure." Having heard the word "cancer" from a doctor's mouth for the first time made her zone out for just a second. Breathe. "Yes. What time?"

"Would four o'clock work?"

"Um, yeah." Her mind started reeling to try to figure out how to leave work early. She really didn't want to lie.

"And Olivia?"

"Yeah?"

"In my experience, it can be very helpful if you bring someone with you. I'm going to be throwing a lot of information at you. It helps to have someone to help you remember everything, and you might want some support."

"Um, what?" She didn't have anyone to confide in at this level. She started to feel a little panic stir in her stomach. "I mean, I'm not sure. Um, I'll be there at four."

"Thanks, I'll see you then." The doctor disconnected the call.

Who? Who? Who? This is ridiculous. How can a grown woman have absolutely no one to confide in. She had always prided herself on her independence. And now it had come back to bite her in the ass. A minute ago she was just alone. Now she was alone and had cancer.