Friday

Roxy skipped out on her and Dirk's usual routine of leaving class together; she was determined to get down to business. Roxy rushed across campus to get to her dorm room, then grabbed her laptop and hopped right on her bed. While the laptop booted up, Roxy reflected upon a recent memory of her mother. Why this memory suddenly appeared, she did not know; perhaps it had something to do with her purple wizard background.

Roxy could never remember having many friends, what, with the constant moving and all.

"Why are we leaving, mommy?" she would ask.

The reply would always be the same, "I have a new job, sweetie."

It wasn't until the fifth grade that Roxy could see through this lie. In reality, her mother was quite awful at retaining lovers for more than a few weeks.

"It must be," Roxy once thought, "because of the familiar sights of that town remind her of her exes."

Who knew what the real reason was? Who cared, Roxy was free now. "I'm going to the same college as Dirk, mother," she had said sternly, holding her ground. Mom Lalonde had always disapproved of her daughters love for science and technology, and even more of her "obsession" with Dirk. It wasn't an obsession, obviously; if you only had one true friend in this whole, lonely world, wouldn't you want to make them happy?

After what seemed like an eternity in Roxy's mind, the computer was ready for use. She dashed her mouse across the desktop and viciously pounded her trackpad to get onto the internet. Roxy typed with an elegant but furious speed, "Jake." Jake...what?

"JAKE WHAT!?" Roxy screamed.

How could she have been so stupid! She forgot to ask for his last name. Roxy hadn't even drunk anything at the party, those actions were just a complete and utter brainfart.

After almost slamming her fist against her keyboard, Roxy remembered something. She jumped up and off her bed, and scoured through her laundry looking for yesterday's jeans. Once she had found them under her ironically purchased "ayy lmao" tank top, she thrust her hand into the jean's pocket and pulled out a small sheet of paper. Roxy struggled to unwrinkle the abused page as her fingers trembled with anticipation. Finally, she reverted the sheet back to it's original form (somewhat) and it read: "Mr. Egbert's kind of sexy, am I right?"

Wrong paper, this was a note that Dirk had passed to Roxy during class. She fully agreed with her BFF's (probably) ironic statement. Roxy calmly checked the other jean pocket to reveal a page of sky blue note paper that had some numbers scribbled on it. Above the numbers were some cutely drawn bubble letters that said "John's Number."

"Drat!" Roxy said, "If only it was Jake's. Looks like I have to do it the hard way."

She yoinked out her cell phone, began calling the number on the page, and a voice answered oddly fast.

"Yellow!?" the voice said.

"Hey, dog. This is John, right?"

"Nope! It's sea Hitler."

"Sea Hitler?"

"I don't even know, Roxy, it came to me in a dream."

"Holy shitpoops I had the same dream, like, at some point." Roxy vaguely explained. "And oh my god you remembered my name! BB!"

"Haha, yeah. So what's up?" John said slyly as if he knew something was coming.

"I need to know if hottie Jake has the hots for the male homosapiens if you catch my drift."

"Oh." was all John said, disappointed, it seemed. "Ya, I'm pretty sure that he likes the lady heterosapiens."

"Not a word, dumbass."

"Very rude. Not all of us can be uber smart like you." John said, pretending to be hurt.

"Oooo, so you've heard of me? Hehe, winks through phone." Roxy said seductively.

"Yeah, I heard that there's this genius girl at the school near ours and she's so cute you wouldn't believe she could do addition."

"Oh, stop it, you." She said in a cliche fashion.

"I didn't believe it until I saw you in the flesh! And well, I'm sad to say that I still don't. They were wrong." John said sadly.

"Excuse me!?" Roxy said, actually offended this time.

"They were wrong. They said you were cute, when really, you are SMOKIN'!"

"You smooth motherfucker!" Roxy said through her obligatory giggles.

John and Roxy talked for a while longer, and she tried to hang up whenever she could, but John quick, and never gave her the opportunity. Finally, after talking for a long hour, they said their goodbyes.

"Talk to you later, babe." John said.

"Ya don't count on it." Roxy said, annoyed.

Roxy sighed as she hung up, finally free from his horrid flirting and cheesy pickup lines. She looked down at the floor in deep thought, all of her efforts had been for naught, and now she was caught in a knot of sorrow she brought, if only she had her her vodka, but alas, she had jack squat.

"I'm such a useless friend," Roxy whispered to herself.

Just then, she had an idea, a horrible idea, yes, but an idea nonetheless.

"If he likes girls," Roxy said deviously to herself, "then I'll get him a girl, alright."

She snatched the phone off of her laundry and dialed as she sprung on the bed, seeming to have gotten her second wind. She squealed as the tone on the other end ringed.

"Yo." Dirk's voice answered.

"Dirky, I have a proposition." Roxy said.

"Which entails what?"

"It entails you getting to mack on Jake Something."

"Roxy," Dirk began condescendingly, "I already told you, it's a waste of time."

"Shut up and listen for a sec! What if, WHAT IF…" she paused for dramatic effect, "I dress you up as a girl and you go on a date with him?"

"WHAT!?" Dirk exclaimed, astonished.

"Yeah I did a lil bit of snoopin' and it turns out he's straight, but I figured if we can get him to fall in love with you as a girl, then he'll love you as a boy, right!?"

"Roxy, this is by far the worst plan you have ever conceived in your ridiculously deranged little mind. It's like, you know how people thought The Last Airbender movie was a great idea? Well it ended up being total shit and everyone hated it and everyone involved in its inception? Yeah, that's how your plan is going to end up, ultimately."

"Wow. No. I'm great, and so's my plan."

"Yes. You are, but no it's not."

"Come on Dirk! You really liked that guy, right? Remember that feeling of seeing him for the first time? I'm sure in your silly little hopelessly romantic mind you've already imagined like a dozen scenarios. Remember those and how great they are?"

Dirk, sitting at a desk in his own dorm room, had paused his construction on a new robot to talk to Roxy, and was now blushing due to some completely hypothetical scenarios that he has just been reminded of.

"Fine I'll go along with your plan…just one condition."

"Anything, Dirk." Roxy said sincerely.

"Make me the prettiest damn girl he's ever seen."