Xander bolted upright in his bed, drenched in sweat. "god I hate that dream" he muttered to himself as he got up, Stumbling into the kitchen he turned on the coffee pot before he headed for the phone. Picking it up he hesitated for several minutes before punching in a number.

Willow Rosenberg Set down the spell book and looked at the ringing phone before she carefully picked it up "H-hello..."

"Wills are... are you okay?" Xander asked carefully as he listened to his best friends breathing for several seconds "Wills?" he asked again before she responded.

"I told you to never call this number again Xander" she said quietly as she tried to keep her emotions in check.

"I know wills... I'm sorry it's just... I really needed to hear your voice" Xander said as he tried to choke back tears. The 'Click' followed by I dial tone told him enough. "I'm sorry willow" he whispered to the phone before he returned it to its cradle.

Staring into the dark for several seconds he finally decided to get on with his day

Walking into the bathroom he turned the hot water on in the shower and stepped in, fifteen minutes later he stepped out; wrapping a towel around him he carefully wiped the condensation from the mirror.

The sight of an empty bathroom was in contrast to the reality. damn them... damn them all he thought bitterly as he reached up and gingerly touched the scars on his neck where Angelus had has bitten him so many years before.

"Twenty years Alexander... how long are you going to fight for them in the shadows?" the soft came from behind him as he stared at the absent reflection.

"As long as I need to Tara... there my friends" he said silently

"You know I don't blame you for killing me Xander... it was the demon" she said as Xander continued to stare.

"Yeah, but it was my body... and I watched as he turned you" he said as he finally turned around "Sometimes I have these dream... dreams where I didn't get turned, dreams where I didn't..." he cut off as he replayed the course of event again.

From his being turned by Angelus on the road trip. His silent return to Sunnydale, his kidnapping of Willows girlfriend, The things he had done to her before finally the look in her eyes as he killed her.

"God Tara how can you stand to be around me" he finally got out as she watched him for several minutes.

"Because your not that monster, and because you risked everything to save me from being that monster myself... now get dressed and come get some coffee, it's almost dusk and Willy said he had some information about a new Master that wants to kill the slayer" she said as she turned back to the kitchen to start there day.

With an unneeded sigh Xander watched her go. I swear that even if it takes me a thousand years... I will make it up to them he vowed before following his wife's instructions and going to start his night.