A/N: This story will expand on the "life after the fall of the Capitol". I have read so many great fan fics about the post MJ time period and will no doubt be influenced by a lot of what I have read. I have spent countless hours imagining what it must have been like to go from complete hopelessness to being able to watch the children you never intended play happily in a world you never envisioned.
I do not claim to own anything related to the HG. All credit to SC.
Hopelessness
It feels like it has been weeks since I was banished to my prison cell in the training center. It was the same room I had used in my previous stays before each game, but now it was my prison.
How hard could it be to simply issue a guilty verdict of committing murder? I shot the President of Panem in front of thousands of witnesses. Should be a pretty open and shut case, yet here I wait.
I have given up on life. I stopped eating, at least tried to, until the hunger was more than I could bare and I gave in and gorged myself on whatever was still in my room.
I even thought about hording my medication and taking it all at one time for a lethal overdose, but the amounts have been steadily decreasing and I don't think they were ever powerful enough to be fatal.
There is nothing in my room to help me in my endeavor to commit suicide, so I will just pray for a guilty verdict and sure execution.
Then one day, the door bursts open and I am looking at a worn down Haymitch.
"What do you want," I snarl?
"You are free to go, I am here to escort you out of this place," he replied while throwing clothes in my general direction. "Get dressed sweetheart and let's get moving," he added.
I just sit on the edge of the bed staring at him. I must really be mentally disabled. I can't process what he is saying to me.
"Let me try again. Move your ass now. I haven't had a drink in about 48 hours and I have no patience left with you. Move now or I will drag you out of here in that paper gown," he screams at me.
I oblige his request. I am still confused, but will play along.
I drag on the clothes and notice for the first time just how painful my new body is. I was burned severely during the final bombing that took place when the Capitol fell, but thanks to the marvels of modern science, I am the proud owner of mutt skin.
I laughed a little when I saw myself for the first time. I looked very similar to the aliens that were known as citizens of the Capitol except they chose to look like multi-colored freaks.
Walking out of the room, I find an obviously pissed-off Haymitch glaring at me and without a word, he turns and starts to walk toward an open door at the end of the hallway.
"Haymitch, where are we going and why are they letting you take me out of here," I asked?
"I will explain it later, we just need to go," was all he replied.
We climbed a set of stairs and I was blinded by a light – the sunlight. We were on the roof the training center. My heart hurt a little as I quickly remembered the last time I was up here.
But instead of a lush garden and beautiful sunset, there is only a blinding light and a hovercraft waiting for us to board.
Once inside, I am met by Plutarch Havensbee and several other people I don't really care to try and recall. Plutarch tells me that he is sure I must be confused but there will be plenty of time to fill me in on our trip home.
We are instantly up in the air and zooming away from the Capitol when he turns to me and begins to speak.
"Katniss, I am sure you have a lot of questions, but let me try and fill you in on the super brief version of what has happened in the last week," he said.
So it has only been one week since I was banished to that room? It felt like months to me.
"After you shot Coin, there was an obvious flurry of panic and commotion. Most of the people who witnessed it assumed you had made a grave misjudgment of aiming and accidentally killed her. Then some began to implicate that you had planned to do it all along. That is what prompted you being detained. There was an immediate trial set up to determine if you were guilty of the crime of murder. I testified as did many of those who knew you and we all painted the picture of a girl who had lost everything she ever knew. The court found you not guilty by reason of temporary insanity. They didn't really know what to do with you and Haymitch stepped up and volunteered to take you back to your home district. So that is where we are headed. You have been sentenced, so-to-speak, to your home district with the stipulation that you are not allowed to leave, at least not for the foreseeable future. Oh and Commander Paylor, you remember her from district 8, is the new President of Panem," he blurted out in only a few breaths.
So my only hope of a sure death by the hands of the Capitol diminished due to my lack of mental capacity. That was just icing on the cake. I was too screwed up to even be killed like a normal human being.
"So are you supposed to be my guard," I directed toward Haymitch.
"No, I wanted the hell out of that place and it just worked out for the best of both of us," he replied.
"When we get back you're on your own," he added.
Plutarch spoke up, "you will be expected to participate in phone interview sessions with Dr. Aurelius once a week, and personally, I think they will lift your travel restrictions after a little time has passed."
"What about my mother," I asked?
Haymitch reached into his coat pocket and produced a white envelope with my name on it. I didn't need to open it. I was going to be living alone.
My mother had such a hard time coming to terms with my father's death. Now losing Prim…I feel my heart rip in half at the thought of what I just said in my head. I know she can't come home, not to this place.
The ghosts will haunt her to no end. I would just be a reminder of why it all happened. It actually works out best, because there will be no one left to keep me from taking my own life.
When we land in the Victor's Village, Plutarch shouts something about keeping in touch and Haymitch and I walk off toward our respective homes.
"What happened to Gale," I ask over my shoulder.
"Got some fancy government job in District 2," he answers just as he walks through his front door.
That figures, Gale is now working for the institution that he most despised. No, it's not the Capitol that we hated, but it's still the idea that he turned to that lifestyle rather than returning to an open life in the woods.
I wrote him off before I shut the door. Actually, I had written him off the minute I connected the bombs that took her away from me to that dark side I discovered when we were fighting in District 2 and he put forth the plan to cause the massive avalanche that killed so many.
I looked around the kitchen and made my way to a chair at the end of the table. I don't know why I am waiting to take my life. There are so many options, but something keeps me firmly glued to this chair
It's hopelessness. My life has become so hopeless that I don't even know how to plan my death. I am not sure that I can remember how to breathe and how to put one foot in front of the other.
This is what my mother must have felt like when I didn't understand her illness. I was so hard on her and unforgiving. Now, I was her.
I just stare at the walls. I don't even know what the day is and I don't really care. I must have dosed off, because I am startled when the back door opens and Greasy Sae walks in with a couple bags.
She doesn't say a word, only nods in my direction and begins banging pots and pans on the stove.
Eventually the aroma of food fills the air and my mind begins to try and rouse the rest of me to eat. Like a robot I pick up the spoon and absently slosh one spoonful after the other into my mouth until the bowl is empty.
Sae doesn't say anything at all. She just gets up from her chair and takes my bowl. She gathers her things and heads for the door saying something about seeing me in the morning.
Hours pass, the room gets dark and I still haven't moved. I feel the urge to pee, but don't think I have the energy or motivation to get up. Thankfully, the desire to not sit in wet pants overrides my lack of motivation and I make my way to the bathroom.
When I come out, I find the couch and collapse into a deep slumber.
The nightmares are horrid. I keep seeing bombs exploding and bits and pieces of everyone I ever knew are flying at me from every direction. I hear their screams so loud I am sure my own mind will explode from the noise and pressure.
When I wake up, I realize the sun has started to rise and I can smell bacon and eggs cooking. True to her word, Sae has returned and I realize that she must have been tasked to ensure I am at least eating.
Thankfully, she doesn't pressure me to do much of anything else.
This is our routine for the next few weeks. I eat breakfast and pile up on the couch until she calls me to dinner. Sometimes I don't make it away from the table, and instead wake up still sitting in the same chair the next morning.
Sae never really says much. She talks about how folks are returning to the district and how they are slowly rebuilding some of the places in town. I don't care.
One day, Sae talks about how the trees are all starting to bloom and I realize that it's spring. I used to love the dawning of each spring. It meant more time to hunt and be out in the woods.
Sae tells me I should think about getting out of the house. For the first time since I have returned, I reply, "I will think about it."
"Good," was all she said in reply.
I realize that I am becoming more aware of what's happening around me because I hear the telephone ringing. My look of puzzlement is not unnoticed by Sae and she says it has been ringing off the hook just about every other day.
I also begin to realize that I have completely let myself go in…how many days? "You have been back for about four weeks now," she said.
A full month and I am still wearing the same clothes that I put on when I left the capitol. That's gross. Yet, I still don't find the motivation to do anything about it.
The next morning, my nightmare is interrupted by sounds outside. It sounds like a shovel digging in the ground. I thought it was part of the nightmare where everyone I ever knew was helping to bury me alive. It seemed so real, but I realize that the real digging must have just compounded the pretend digging in my head.
I don't understand why this made me curious, but I get up and make my way toward the front door. I realize that there is a small mountain of unopened mail that has been pushed through the slot in the door.
I have really been out of It for a while now I think to myself.
When I open the door, I step outside and see Haymitch's house to my right across the lane. I wonder if he is still alive.
I hear the shovel plunge into the ground again and avert my attention back to the direction of the sound. Walking around the front of the house, I look around the corner and see a neat row of bushes freshly planted along the side of my house.
It takes a few moments for my mind to register what I am seeing, but then a horror fills my entire being. They are roses. I have a flashback to the last time I saw Snow, when he convinced me that the death of Prim had been the result of the rebels doing, not his.
He was in a room filled with roses, but not like these. I snap back to the present when their name fills my thoughts – Primroses. My terror turns to grief for a brief moment until I fix my eyes on the planter.
His eyes meet mine, and I see beads of sweat that have formed on his brow.
I am staring into an abyss of blue, a shade that is like none other. I am looking at Peeta.
"I found these at the edge of the forest and thought I would plant them for her," he said.
He becomes blurry as I try to focus on his words and look between his eyes and the bushes. For her I think and I am consumed with a raw grief that is magnified by the guilt of not thinking of a way to honor her myself.
"Thank you," is all I can muster and I turn and run back into my house. I don't even make it to the couch before I collapse to the ground as waves of tears flow from my eyes. For the first time since she was so violently taken from me, I am truly broken and let it all out.
I cried for hours and hours at each memory and thought of her sweet smiling face. I cried for all the things she never knew or would ever experience.
When there were no more tears to fall, I started to think of Peeta again. I immediately became self-conscious and wandered what I must have looked like to him. He thought I was a mutt before? I am sure he thinks so now I think to myself.
It's funny, but when I start to think of him, I can't help but remember all the funny things about her. I remember thinking about how the creations at the bakery would make her eyes light up – his creations.
I remember how her eyes would sparkle when we moved into the new house and he would bring warm cookies or some kind of sugary candy just for her. He loved her and even though the Capitol had really messed with his mind, he was still remembering that bond he had built with her.
It was in that moment that the hopelessness started to fade, just a little. For the first time since I had returned, I climbed the stairs toward my room. I slowly stripped out of my pants and shirt then my underwear.
I decided those clothes were to be retired to the trash and I stepped into the shower.
I was reminded of how broken my body was when the water caused my skin to sizzle. After some temperature adjustment I was able to wash a month's worth of grime off my body and detangle the remnants of hair that remained on my head.
When I stepped out, I felt a little lighter in my step. I found some fresh clothing and braided my wet air into a single braid.
At the bottom of the steps I realized Sae had arrived to prepare dinner. I thanked her for looking after me and smiled a little at the look of shock that spread across her face. This was the first time I had spoken to her with more than three or four words since I returned.
After dinner, Sae wandered out the back door and instead of just collapsing on the couch, I watched and realized she left my house and headed for Peeta's.
I wandered around the house for a few minutes, poking my head into the unused study and having a painful memory of my meeting with Snow. I quickly retreated back to the living room and walked down the hallway toward the back room.
It was in this room that I found the box with my father's old hunting jacket, my hunting boots, my father's plant book and my parents wedding photo. In the corner of the room stood a bow with a generous layer of dust gathered on it.
I slipped into the jacket and made my way back to the couch. I breathed in the scent of the worn leather and watched as the flames from the gas fireplace danced around the logs.
I wasn't clear on why today had changed me, however little it may have been, but somehow I knew that I had to find a way to go on. I had to find a way to live, if for nothing more than to honor Prim's sacrifice.
I had to put the hopelessness behind me and instead search for a path that was brighter than where I have come from – a path that is filled with the radiant hope that made Prim who she was.
I have no idea how or where to begin, but for the first time in a long time I feel a small tinge of peace.
A/N: Well, there we go – we're off on this adventure of discovering how Katniss went from nothing to live for to watching her children playing in the meadow. I am excited to see how this story plays out. I am hoping you will take the time to review and provide your insight on where I am and where you would like me to go. I have a general idea, but there are so many fans of the HG out there and I am sure that each of us has our own interpretation of how post MJ played out.