A/N: All right, here's the first real chapter. Just to clear things up: even though this isn't based on the first anime, I am using the first anime's model of the world—up to a point. In other words, the real world, or, in this case, the 4077th, is on the other side of the Gate from Amestris, and can only be reached by opening the Gate. However, in contrast to the first anime, alchemy can be used on both sides of the Gate, because the story won't work if it can't be. Also, as far as the difference between Amestrian and English: rather than having Amestrian equal German and thus having everyone learn a new language to speak with the American doctors at the M*A*S*H (which wouldn't be plausible, so I'd have to write partly in German, a language that I barely know), I am going to have Amestrian be a dialect of English, so it's pronounced differently (with a slight German accent, though I'm not going to write the accent, you'll have to imagine it) and the written language uses different spellings. So the doctors will be able to talk to the Amestrians, but will have difficulty reading anything in Amestrian. Also, in case you weren't aware, O.R. is an abbreviation for Operating Room. Okay, that was a ridiculously long author's note. Sorry. On with the story!
A Recurring Nightmare with Popcorn
Chapter 1: Out of the Frying Pan and Into the O.R.
"Attention, all personnel, incoming wounded- Out of the frying pan and into the O.R." –PA system, M*A*S*H
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, more often known as Hawkeye, walked down the dirt path that cut the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. He looked around at the dusty olive-green tents surrounding him and sighed.
He'd somehow ended up in the deepest circle of hell, with a bunch of doctors, nurses, and soldiers that seemed to think the place was called Korea. If it was any place other than perdition, though, why were there so many dying kids? And why did he end up operating on them for days on end?
Occupied with thoughts like these, the tall, dark-haired man nearly didn't notice another man with a similar appearance approaching him.
The man was a little shorter than Pierce, with black hair that was just a little messy and eyes as dark as pools of ink. He wore a royal blue outfit that looked suspiciously military, although Pierce had never seen another like it. A pair of white gloves covered his hands.
The man wasn't alone, either. Walking at his side was a woman who could give Major Margaret Houlihan a run for her money, and, considering the Head Nurse's camp nickname of "Hot Lips," that was an accomplishment. This woman had blonde hair clipped into a neat bun at the back of her head, and eyes that were a warm chocolate brown. Her uniform was the same as the man's. Others followed them, wearing the same uniform: A heavyset man with short hair, a dark-haired, nervous-looking fellow with glasses, a thin man with small eyes and ash-blond hair. Pierce thought he saw a flash of golden hair as well, but he couldn't see its owner.
The dark-haired man saluted Pierce. "I am Colonel Roy Mustang of Amestris," he said, in a deep voice. There was a slight accent to his speech, something almost German. "I am looking for the commanding officer of MASH 4077."
"What's a bunch of regular military like you doing at a MASH unit?" Pierce asked bluntly, ignoring the salute.
"The Fuhrer of our country has stationed us here as a diplomatic envoy," the man said, crossing his arms. "His orders are not to be questioned."
Pierce rolled his eyes. Great. Another Frank Burns. "I'm Captain Pierce, but you can call me Hawkeye."
The blonde woman spoke up. "I would prefer to call you Pierce, as my own name is Hawkeye, and it would be confusing to have two people on the same post going by that name."
Pierce smiled crookedly. "You know, it wouldn't be a problem anymore if you had a different last name…."
Hawkeye's gun was in her hand and pointed at Pierce before he could even blink. "And how do you propose to do that?"
"Yes, 'propose,' that's exactly the word…." Pierce continued, his grin widening. The gun was just a bluff, he was sure.
"One more word and you die," Hawkeye spat, pointing the gun at his head.
Apparently it wasn't a bluff. Pierce stepped back, his hands above his head. This one was like Hot Lips in more ways than one. Why were all the good ones so unapproachable?
"That's enough, Lieutenant Colonel," Mustang said.
Hawkeye scowled, but lowered the gun. Was it Pierce's imagination, or was Mustang chuckling?
"Hey! Hawkeye!" Pierce heard Radar yell.
Both he and Hawkeye immediately responded. "What?"
Radar looked from Pierce to the woman, his wide eyes magnified by his thick glasses.
"I mean, um, Captain Pierce?" Radar said, confused. The youngest member of the MASH unit's glasses were crooked, and his brown hair was sticking out at all angles from under his beanie cap. Pierce could only imagine the impression the Amestrians were getting of the 4077's company clerk.
"Colonel Blake says to bring these guys to his office right away," Radar said. He noticed the stares of the foreign soldiers and turned around. "Oh, hi! I'm Corporal Walter O'Reilly, but everyone calls me Radar. Colonel Blake's real sorry he wasn't here to greet you, but we weren't expecting you so soon, on account of all the choppers being sent down to the front. Guess you must've used one of your country's choppers, huh?"
Mustang blinked, as if in surprise, then nodded. "Thank you for coming to meet us. I would like to speak to your Colonel, so if you wouldn't mind showing us where his office is…."
"Oh, um, of course!" Radar said. He headed toward Colonel Blake's tent, with the Amestrians close behind.
Pierce followed, figuring that this had the potential to be interesting. Or at least more interesting than sitting around and waiting for more casualties.
"So, what are you guys' names?" Radar asked as they walked.
"I'm Colonel Roy Mustang," Mustang said.
"Lieutenant Colonel Riza Hawkeye," Hawkeye said.
"Uh, I'm Master Sergeant Kain Fuery," the dark-haired one with glasses stammered. He gestured to the ash-blond man. "That's Warrant Officer Vato Falman, and the big guy is Second Lieutenant Heymans Breda." He paused for a second. "Oh, and that's Major Elric."
From within the group of soldiers, Hawkeye heard a young-sounding voice grumble, "Fuery, do you have to be so formal? Just call me Ed."
"But, I mean, we're being introduced to foreign military personnel, so I thought…" Fuery said.
"Fuery's right," Mustang interrupted. "A little formality won't kill you."
"But look!" Ed continued. "Captain Pierce isn't even wearing a uniform! So why do I have to wear this freaking thing?"
Mustang sighed. "Because you are here as a representative of the Amestrian military and the Fuhrer wants us to make a good impression."
Ed made a suggestion as to what the Fuhrer could do with his good impression. Pierce laughed.
Mustang was not so amused. "Full—I mean, Elric, you will stop acting disrespectful or I will hold on to your luggage for you for the next couple of days."
"But my books are in there!" Ed protested.
Pierce watched as the group of soldiers parted and a boy in the soldiers' blue uniform grabbed the collar of Mustang's uniform. He was unusually short, with golden hair that fell over his face in bangs and was braided in the back.
"I don't want to be here, but if I have to be, I am going to be doing some research," the boy growled, golden eyes ablaze. "I'll play your stupid game of being polite, but if you so much as touch those books, I swear to you I'll—"
"That's quite enough, Elric," Mustang said with a scowl, wrenching the boy's fingers off of his collar. "But I am serious. Behave."
The boy glared at him and muttered a few inappropriate nicknames. This time, Pierce didn't laugh. Elric was a kid. He was tiny! Pierce guessed he couldn't be much older than thirteen, although it was hard to tell. So Amestris was the kind of country that let kids into their army. Pierce scowled, disgusted.
"Should I tell Colonel Blake you'd like to talk to him?" Radar asked.
Pierce had to hand it to Radar. If the kid wasn't actually psychic, he was one heck of a pretender.
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Colonel Roy Mustang looked around Colonel Blake's office with undisguised disgust. It was a mess. There were piles of paper everywhere, and a thin layer of dust shrouded everything. The only thing that looked vaguely organized was the liquor cabinet. Mustang would be the first to admit that his own office wasn't as orderly as it should be, but this was ridiculous!
Blake himself was even more of a disappointment, if that were even possible. He was middle-aged, with wide eyes that were almost cartoonish. His hair was probably brown, but it was impossible to tell when he was wearing that ridiculous fishing hat. With all of those lures stuck into it, the man looked like a street performer. The fact that he was wearing a bathrobe rather than a uniform didn't help matters.
"Welcome to MASH 4077," he said, leaning back in a chair that looked like it was probably older than himself and his guests combined.
"Thank you," Mustang said. "Corporal O'Reilly informed me that you weren't expecting us. I'm sorry for the inconvenience."
"Aw, it's no problem," Blake said.
Mustang really wished that he could agree with that statement. However, for him, being in Korea was a gigantic problem. After the incident involving Barry the Chopper and the death of the homunculus Lust, the Fuhrer had sent Mustang and his unit here, presumably to keep them from interfering with the plans of the homunculi. Well, not the whole unit, not really. Havoc was still in the hospital, now completely unprotected. At first, Al, who was forbidden from coming along, has planned to keep watch, but both Ed and Mustang had been uncomfortable with the idea of having the only people in Amestris who knew about the homunculi to any extent in the same place, so Al had been sent to his teacher's home in Dublith.
Mustang had worried about the ability of a self-proclaimed "housewife" to face down the homunculi, but Ed had full confidence, and that alone was enough to convince Mustang. If the Skeptic Alchemist believed it, it was probably true.
"So, um, why are you guys here?" Blake asked. "I mean, it's not like I mind, but this is a MASH and you guys are regular army. Shouldn't you be at a command center or something?"
Honestly, that was what worried Mustang, too. Their being at a hospital made no sense. Which indicated that the homunculi had some sort of reason to want them at MASH 4077. At times like these, he wished he could go back to the days when all of his problems could be solved by setting them on fire.
Which reminded him that he wasn't allowed to use alchemy at the MASH unit, either. He already hated this place.
Blake was looking at him expectantly, probably waiting for an answer to his question.
"We were sent here by the Fuhrer of our country," Mustang said. "He has some sort of purpose for it, I'm sure. I just haven't been entrusted with knowledge of what it is."
"So they didn't tell you anything, huh?" Blake asked. "A tight-lipped bunch, your military. I took a look at the files you sent us. Half of the information's blacked out!"
"I apologize," Mustang said, turning on the charm that had gotten him promoted this far. "But myself and Elric have been involved in a number of top-secret matters. You can understand why our government might black out parts of our records."
"I mean, Golly Gee, they even gave us a list of things we aren't allowed to ask you about! And why on Earth would we be asking a bunch of soldiers about prosthetics, anyway?" (A/N: I hate interrupting the story like this, but I want to point out to the FMA fans that this is not me using weird sayings. Blake actually talks like this in M*A*S*H. Think of it like Hughes and his habit of showing everyone pictures of Elysia. It's annoying, but he really can't help it.)
Mustang sighed inwardly. Central Command was probably worried about the Americans learning about the weaponry applications of automail. Apparently, they didn't have it here. He'd even been instructed to stop referring to the shrimp as Fullmetal, lest it arouse suspicion.
"That's because—" Ed started. Mustang cursed inwardly. What part of "orders" didn't the brat understand?
"—a childhood friend of mine works with prosthetics, and I lived with her family for a while when we were kids," Ed finished, flashing Mustang a "bet ya thought I was going to tell them, didn't you," smirk.
Mustang scowled at him.
"Oh, well, that explains that," Blake said. "So, you guys are free to do whatever you want around here, as long as you don't start spying for Korea." He chuckled, then stopped when he realized no one else was laughing.
"Well, anyhoo," Blake continued, "you can go to your new quarters now, if you want. Ms. Lieutenant Colonel, you'll be rooming with the nurses, since it's the only tent with females in it in the camp. I gotta say, I'm surprised your country's okay with having women in the army…"
Hawkeye glared at him, and he moved on quickly.
"…anyway, you guys have a choice. There's room for three of you in the V.I.P. tent, and the other two will be rooming with some of our doctors."
Mustang made a decision. As much as he hated the idea, he needed to keep an eye on Fullmetal. Neither of them were really sure what being human sacrifices actually meant, but it involved the homunculi wanting them. And Mustang wasn't about to allow the homunculi to have anything that they wanted.
"Full-Elric and I will room with the doctors," Mustang stated. "The others can stay in the V.I.P. tent."
"Righty-o, then," Blake said happily. "You already met Pierce. You'll be staying with him and two other doctors, Captain McIntyre and Major Burns. I'll have Radar show you where the tents are. You must be tired after all that traveling."
"You have no idea," Fullmetal said softly.
Roy grimaced. That was another part of all of this that sat wrong with him. This place was on the other side of the Gate. He had no idea how Central Command had actually gotten them through the Gate, but it had probably involved more human sacrifices. The thought made him sick.
He remembered nothing of the trip through the Gate, probably because he wasn't the alchemist who had opened it. He expected the same held for the others, except Elric. Perhaps it was because he'd opened it before, or because his brother's body and his own arm and leg were inside it, but he'd definitely seen something. The haunted look in the brat's eyes when the group had first arrived in Korea confirmed that much.
"Radar—" Blake began.
"Take Colonel Mustang and his men to their tents," Radar said.
"Take Colonel Mustang and—that's exactly right," Blake trailed off, sounding slightly confused.
"Right away, sir," the bespectacled Corporal said. "Oh, and Pierce wants to talk to you."
"He wants to talk to me, or he wants to yell at me?" Blake asked.
"Um, yell, sir," Radar admitted.
"Send him in," Blake said tiredly.
Mustang offered him a sympathetic smile before following Radar out. He'd seen something frightening in Pierce's eyes earlier. He was glad he wasn't the one who had to deal with it.
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A/N: And there's the first chapter! Please review and tell me what you thought. Also review or PM me if you have any questions or are at all confused. Yes, I realize that this didn't connect with the Prologue at all. That was foreshadowing, and it probably won't be addressed again for a while. Anyhow, please review! Thank you for reading!