Roslyn

Chapter 1

My eyelids are heavy. They open and close repeatedly and my head begins to fall as the world goes black. Then they snap open once they realized they've closed. I'm too tired to stay awake, but I have to. My mind is somewhere else. All I know is that I'm sitting in the hospital waiting room anticipating the birth of my kid. I can't even believe it. It doesn't seem real. It's been the longest nine months of my life and the whole time I beat myself up about how I screwed up my life. Her life. Our lives. But I can't drown in my sorrows tonight. No, not tonight and not the night after that or the night after that. After tonight, there won't be time to sulk. I'll be too busy changing diapers, humming lullabies to calm a restless baby… to calm myself. I don't know what to expect and it terrifies me. Just down the hall, a girl is going through… God knows what… because of me. But she's not just a girl. She's Sam. She's my girlfriend. And I did this to her.

My eyes snapped open once again as I shift uneasily in my seat at the sound of a door opening and closing. I looked up to see my sister, Jenna, walk over and sit next to me. I leaned forward and concern filled my expression. I guess the look on my face said it all because she looked at me, shook her head and crossed her arms. My mom, who was sitting on the other side of me, caught this and rubbed my back. Only, that made me even more nervous. Was it supposed to comfort me? Was treating me like I did nothing wrong supposed to help me? I wish it did.

Damn, why are these chairs so uncomfortable? You'd think the hospital would want people to be comfortable as they sit for countless hours, waiting to hear life changing news. I stood up and paced nervously in front of the row of chairs. My mom and Jenna shared a look. God. What the hell is taking so long? Why am I asking myself stupid questions? It's child birth, how long does that even take?

I threw my head back and closed my eyes, continuing to walk back and forth, as if that would speed things up.

"Nick, honey, sit down and just be patient." My mom said and I stopped pacing and shook my head.

"No. I've been sitting all damn night. I just… I need to know what's going on. This is killing me!"

"Nick, she's doing fine. They are both going to be okay. I'm telling you that because I know it's true." Jenna told me and looked at me with all honesty. I trusted her, she was just in there and of course she knew. Besides, she was in medical school right now which made me feel just a little bit better knowing that someone who knew something about this could tell me it was all okay.

I continued to stand there, realizing that it woke me up a bit. It was good to have a support system. My brothers left a few hours ago because it was getting late and they have classes tomorrow. Jenna doesn't have to go back to school until Wednesday, so she stayed; Sam also wanted her to stay because over time they have become really close, practically sisters, and Jenna promised her she'd go into the delivery room alongside her. I wish I could have promised that. I told her I would, but she didn't want me in there. I guess I understand. She's all exposed and doesn't want me to see her like that. I get that. What I don't get is why my own father didn't even show. Actually I do get it. He told me a million times I screwed up and each time he threw that in my face it got to me a little bit more. My father is so disappointed in me that he hasn't said 3 words to me since I told him. He disowned me. So yeah, I get why he's not here.

"Your father will get over it." My mom said, knowing what I was thinking. She always knew, I was so easy to read to her, I could never get away with anything.

"He'll never get over it, Mom. You can't get over something like this, because it's not going away. You know that. You know Sam and I decided to keep the baby and as long as this baby is in our lives it's just a reminder to him of how much I screwed up." I explained and plopped back down in the stupid chair.

"Nick, Dad will get over it. He is going to take one look at you holding your kid and regret the way he treated you. You are going to be a great father." Jenna confirmed, but this time I wasn't so sure on trusting her, so I ignored her words and fiddled with the zipper on my jacket.

"So why aren't you in there anymore?" I asked.

"I don't know. I didn't feel like the right Jonas."

"Thanks." I let out one short chuckle.

"It should be any minute." She said and knots in my stomach grew. Any minute and I'd actually be a father. At 15.

I nodded timidly and silence broke through the room. The only sounds were chatter of the nurses behind the desk and my zipper moving up and down as I subconsciously played with it.

About ten minutes later the nurses quieted down and the quiet turned to a soft cry… of a newborn baby.

It was all silent, accept for that. An anxious silence, too. Kind of uncomfortable. I felt the eyes on me as my breathing stopped. Just down the hall, there was a baby that I created. A living, breathing baby. With small, squinty eyes and a tiny nose and little, pink lips. A person with hands and feet just a tad bigger than golf balls. A beating heart. Another life to take care of.

I was frozen in my seat when Sam's mom walked out about 5 minutes later and smiled graciously at me. I swallowed a lump in my throat and pushed myself to stand up. She held out her hand and motioned it to the room that she just came out of. I looked back at my mom and sister and they nodded at me, as if to reassure me that I should go in. Her mom and I walked down the hallway that seemed to stretch on forever and all I could think about was Sam and our baby. Was it a boy that looked like me? Or a girl that looked like her? We didn't find out the sex because we wanted it to be a surprise and Sam had more fun choosing names for both a boy and a girl. I took a deep breath and her mom must have heard me release it because she looked over at me with a soft smile. I kept my head forward, though I could see her in my peripheral vision. We made it to the door, and she was still looking at me.

"Nick." She said and I nodded numbly. "Are you ready to see your daughter?" Daughter. I have a daughter. I looked over at her and her smile grew. "Go on in. You'll love her." Of course I'll love her. She's my daughter, how could I not love her?

I placed my hand on the doorknob and turned it slightly, pushing it open.

The first thing I saw was her. My worried expressions softened as my eyes were directed to her and I walked toward Sam as she rested in her arms, wrapped in a blanket. The feeling that was running through my body was just unexplainable. It's a good feeling though. No, that's an understatement. It's a great, miraculous feeling. Sam looked up and smiled tiredly at me, my gaze was still locked on our daughter. Her eyes were closed and her heart shaped mouth was slightly open as she slept peacefully. I swallowed hard as I walked closer and stood at the foot of the bed. They both looked so fragile. They looked as if one slight touch to their skin would make them shatter. I was still watching her as she opened her mouth into the shape of an 'o' and yawned. I could feel the smile form on my face, though regret filled my eyes.

"You can come a little closer." Sam said softy, and I looked up at her face then back to the baby.

"She looks just like you. She's beautiful." I whispered and walked over to her side.

"I think she looks like you. Almond shaped eyes, heart shaped lips… so perfect." She looked up at me with a small smile and she had that motherly glow, but deep in her eyes, past that I could see the pain and regret and as I tried to hide that, in my eyes it came out. She was just a girl. This wasn't supposed to happen to her. She was too young and I was too young and we couldn't be responsible for a whole other life when we couldn't even be responsible for our own.

Sam lifted her arms, offering to give me the baby. She just looked so breakable. So fragile. Too fragile. I shook my head and looked away, knowing that I was fully exposed. All my feelings were out there, showing in my expression.

"What should we name her?" Sam asked, looking down at her. I shrugged.

"What names did you think about?"

"Well… I thought of a few, but I wanted you to help with the decision…" She said and looked at me again. I nodded and looked at our baby.

"Can uhm.. can I- uh can I hold her?" I stuttered and Sam smiled softly and handed her up to me. I slowly took her into my arms and smiled down at her. Sam looked at me and giggled a little, I couldn't help but smile.

"How about Roslyn?" Sam asked after a moment and I looked down at my daughter.

"Roslyn…" I repeated and smiled at the little girl in my arms.

-*-*-*-*-

3 Years Later

When I got the news about Sam I was surprisingly not shocked. In a sense I saw this coming. Or maybe I wasn't so shocked because it just hasn't hit me yet. Either way, I knew it was coming sooner or later. As much as I wanted to, I just couldn't be mad at her. What she did was beyond selfish, but she was hurting and I guess her way to get rid of the pain was to get rid of herself altogether. Not the best way to deal with your problems, but Sam didn't deal with anything in the best way… ever. Accept for one thing, that is, until now. She dealt with our daughter in the perfect way, so it wasn't the best for everyone else, but it was the best for us. We didn't want to lose her and hand her off to some stranger and abortion was out of the question. So we kept her. It took a little getting used to, but once she was born nobody wanted to let her go either… so even though they said we were making a big mistake they didn't mean it afterwards. Everyone was supportive when she was born. Well almost everyone.

My father disowned me. Once he found out we decided to keep the baby he screamed and yelled for a whole night. But after that, we haven't said a word. After 3 years he still won't carry a conversation with me. We say little things to each other, but only what's necessary. I guess that's fine, I've gotten used to it, as long as he loves my daughter and has no hate for her, I'm okay.

Sam and I met when we were 13. We clicked instantly and there's not much else to say about it. We were in love and that day when she asked me out in the library was where it all started.

-*-*-*-*-

I don't really like libraries. They are so quiet. It's hard to concentrate. I'm supposed to be doing research for a history project, but this girl near the encyclopedia's keeps distracting me. She's pretty, long brown hair, pretty eyes, thin mouth. I know who she is. Her name is Sam Foster and we've been going to the same school since 1st grade. It isn't until now that she's shown some kind of interest in me, which I don't really mind.

She looked up at me for the hundredth time and smiled; I smirked and looked down at my book. It wasn't until I heard a slight cough that I realized she was standing at the edge of the table, looking at me.

"Hey." I said and closed my book, giving her my full attention.

"Wanna go out sometime?" She asked, sitting down across from me in the library. That's one thing I liked about her. She was very straight forward and nothing held her back.

-*-*-*-*-

The snow crunched beneath my feet as I walked through the cemetery. Roslyn was with my parents who had already left and I walked back to where loved ones once stood, staring at the casket that would soon be lowered into the ground. I shook my head and frowned. How could Sam do this? How could she leave me a single dad at 18 years old? I guess her pain was just so terrible that she stopped caring about everyone else.

I took a rose from the bouquet of flowers laying on the snow. It was time to say goodbye.

"I love you, Sam." I said as they lowered the casket into the ground and I dropped the rose onto it before slowly turning away.

-*-*-*-*-

"Daddy, I wanna go home." Roslyn said softly and tugged on my shirt. We were out to eat with my parents, Joe, Kevin and Jenna at Olive Garden and it was getting a little late for her.

I nodded and looked at my parents. "Uhm, Roslyn is getting tired and wants to go, so we're gonna leave and we'll see you when we get home." I said and they nodded.

"Say goodnight, Roslyn." I said as I got her coat and put her arms through it.

"Night Nana, Grandpa, Joey, Jenna, Kevy." She said softly and yawned and I put her hat on over her brunette curls.

"Bye guys, see you at home." I said and picked her up and walked out of the restaurant.

The air was cold and Roslyn shivered into my chest, hiding her face. I don't know why I parked in the farthest spot in the lot but I wish I didn't.

We got to the car and I set Roslyn down so I could unlock the door. Roslyn giggled and hugged my leg, assuming hiding her face.

I looked down to see why, then over my shoulder to see a girl at her car smiling. She had brown straight hair that was pulled back into a clip and she was wearing a black leather jacket and jeans with a pair of old converse.

"She waved at me first." She laughed and walked closer to us.

"Yeah she does that, she's very friendly." I said and smiled down at her as she was still hugging my leg but facing the girl.

"She's so adorable is this your baby sister?" The girl asked and I was tempted to lie. "Gosh, it's amazing how much you guys look alike."

"Uh, no. She uhm, she's my daughter." I bit my tongue in anticipation of a response.

Surprisingly, she nodded understandingly, "Mom's takin' a break?"

"She passed away." I choked out.

"During child birth?" Curiosity and sorrow filled her expression.

"Suicide." Her mouth opened in shock.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to bring it up."

"You did, but it's okay. She uh, she wasn't happy and what's done is done… so..." I said and shrugged.

"I'm Miley." She said pleasantly, holding out her hand, changing the subject.

I grasped it, "Nick." I said.

"And this is Roslyn."

She bent down to eye level with Roslyn.

"Hi there, Roslyn. You sure are pretty. You have your daddy's eyes and mouth." She said sweetly and looked at me smiling.

"My mommy always said I look just like him, but she's not here anymore." Roslyn told Miley and looked down.

"Well your mommy is right and she loves you no matter what." Miley said and smiled at Roslyn.

"Just like my daddy does." She smiled.

"Yes, just like your daddy does." Miley agreed and stood up so she was looking me in the eye.

"She's cute. She must be a daddy's girl though." She said and looked at me knowingly.

"How could you tell?" I asked and smiled at how friendly she was. It was so weird meeting her suddenly like this because after Sam passed away just a week ago, this is what I needed, a friend.

"Well the fact that she's glued to your leg didn't give any of it away." She laughed.

"Oh right, haha."

"So I better get going, my family is waiting for me inside." Miley said and began to walk off, but turned around and looked at me. "And if you ever need a babysitter, you can find me at the ice cream shop on Main Street, and no, I won't be eating it," she laughed, "I work there."

"Thanks." I said and she waved and turned back to the restaurant.

"Daddy I miss mommy." Roslyn said and I picked her up and helped her into her car seat.

"Me too, Rose. Me too." I said and shut the door.

A/N: Do you like it? It's gonna get better.