He's staring out the window when she walks in. He doesn't turn, just glances over his shoulder then drops his head. She suddenly feels frantic to make this awful day better. 'The Stephens case is settled.' Her voice is high, chipper.
'Good' is all he says, still staring out into the night. When he says 'Diane wanted to talk about you and me earlier' she isn't surprised. She knew they fought. Her stomach drops in dread, and she closes her eyes for just a moment but she isn't surprised.
He turns finally and just looks at her. He's leaning back against the wall, his hands twisting in front of him.
'She's angry?' She already knows the answer but she isn't sure what to say.
'Yeah, she's angry.' His voice is quiet, cynical and she isn't sure why. 'She's known for a while. She just didn't say anything, well anything straight out until now. It was the ringtone that day at lunch.'
'Oh' is all she can think of to say as her mind spins. It rushes from one point to another- Diane angry with her, what about her job, the coldness lately, why now. Suddenly her mind slips back and she's conscious that he's still watching her. She's conscious of the signals that something more happened. 'What did she say?'
'She asked what I was thinking. If I'd thought this through. If it was really worth it. If I was really willing to risk the firm.' His voice is still quiet but there's a challenge in it she doesn't understand.
'Risk the firm? It's not like I'm going to sue you for sexual harassment Will. No one knows what's going on. We're adults. We're entitled to have some fun if that's what we choose.' She doesn't understand this. Where is this coming from? Her words are confident, she's thought them a thousand times, but underneath, she has the feeling she's missing something.
'Some fun.' He shakes his head and she can feel the walls closing in. 'This is not about sexual harassment Alicia or whether or not you're going to sue.'
'Then what is it about Will? I feel like I'm playing catch-up here.' She gestures out, her voice rising in confusion and frustration.
Finally he stands, to pace. 'Some fun.' He shakes his head again, then turns to look at her. 'My firm is at risk here Alicia! Do you get that?'
She doesn't, she really doesn't. Her mind is running in circles. 'Why? Will, just because of us?' Then suddenly it dawns on her. 'Is this about Peter? Him going after you? We will handle that. I won't let him get to you.'
At the mention of the name, his hands clench in his pockets. She can feel the anger coming off of him as he continues to pace, pulling his hands in front of him then sticking them back in his pockets.
'Will, what happened?' She steps towards him.
'This isn't about Peter, Alicia. Or Diane.' He shakes his head and turning to her, suddenly looks so sad it scares her.
'What did he do? Is this about the firm?' Her voice is desperate. She doesn't understand.
'Diane asked me if it was worth the firm. This, fun, between us. Yes, Peter is coming after the firm too. Because of us, because of me.'
She relaxes a bit. This she can help with. And the anger is a nice diversion from the desperate confusion. 'I'll talk to him. He has no right. He has no right to go after you or the firm.' Her voice is confident. Will is just looking at her and the confusion comes roaring back. 'But this isn't about Peter?'
'No, not anymore. Alicia…my firm matters to me.' His voice is quiet.
'I know. You built it, it's your life.' She's trying to understand.
'I want you.'
At this she smiles, feeling slightly steadier. 'I want you too.'
The answer makes him sad rather than happy as she expected. He looks off to the side for a moment asking almost to himself 'do you?'
She steps closer to him immediately, her voice strong. 'Will you know I want you. I like what we have.'
At this he laughs but when he looks back at her, his eyes are painful. 'She asked me if it was worth the firm.' Alicia can feel things closing in again. She already knows this is bad. She starts to say something, realizes she doesn't know what to say. What is right to say, what she wants to say.
When he starts again, his eyes are asking her a question she doesn't understand. 'You are worth it to me Alicia. But I'm not sure this relationship is.'
She has no idea how to respond. She feels like her mind won't work right. All she can come out with is 'I don't understand.'
He smiles sadly before he explains. 'I want a life with you. I want to meet your kids, your family. I want to have dinner with you, in public. I want to be able to hold your hand and walk down the street. I want to kiss you whenever I want, no hiding.'
She wants to run. She wants to disappear. She doesn't understand why he doesn't get it. 'Will, I'm still married. Peter is trying to run for governor. You're my boss.'
'Are you planning on getting a divorce?'
It's the question they had been avoiding. This is the conversation they had been avoiding. This is the answer she doesn't know how to give because she doesn't know it. 'I don't know.' It's honest and she can see it hit him like a wall. 'Will it's not about you.' She knows immediately that doesn't make it better but she just doesn't know how to make him see. Her wanting him doesn't take away the complications of her marriage.
'I'm glad the Stephens case went well.' His tone is dismissive. With a nod, he turns back to the window.
'Will!' She feels like it's falling apart in her hands. She doesn't know what she's left with now but she knows it isn't what she had. 'It's not that I don't want us, it's just that...'
He interrupts the harried explanation with a simple 'Alicia, don't. Please.'
She doesn't want to leave. She feels like if she leaves now, she'll never be able to make it right. But he asked her to. And she doesn't know what she wants to say, what she wants to do. So she gives in to that urge to run, turning to the door, near tears.
She considers going drinking. But she never feels clearer after she's been drinking. Better maybe, but it doesn't give her the answers she needs. And she hates to drink alone. She considers going to Owen but she doesn't want to have to talk about it all to get her answers.
She tries work but she can't focus. Finally she tries driving. She drives for two hours. Around the college campus her brother now works on, by the courthouse she goes to everyday and finally by the house where she used to live.
'Hi.' Her voice is tired. She's changed into jeans, a turtleneck and her face is sad.
'You were fast.' He lets her into the apartment quietly, already dressed in pajamas. It's her first realization that it's after midnight.
She feels briefly guilty but it gets smothered in other emotion quickly. 'I'm glad you were still up.'
'I was just about to go to bed.' His voice is polite but the point is clearly conveyed.
'Well, thanks for waiting.' She wanders for a minute, over towards the window, as her mind drifts.
Peter runs his hand through his hair, confused and tired. 'What's wrong Alicia?'
She turns quickly. 'Are you going to run for governor?'
The question is clearly not what he expects but he answers anyway. 'I can't without you.'
She nods, standing silent for a long moment, arms clasped tightly over her chest. 'I don't want to ruin your chance for governor. I know you want higher office. But I don't want to be your wife anymore.' It's the first time she's ever verbalized the feeling and as she says it, a bit of the confusion lifts.
The pain is on his face, in his voice. 'I figured from the separation. What do you want Alicia? Are you here to tell me you're filing for divorce?'
She looks away. She doesn't know what to say. The next question hits her. 'Why are you going after the firm?'
Peter sighs loudly and rubs his head. 'Because I want Lemond Bishop and your firm is helping him.'
That sets her teeth on edge. 'Why are you going after Will specifically? Why not Diane?'
Peter returns the challenge with his look. 'Because Will is the one who did bad things.'
She walks towards the door without answering. She didn't come here for this.
He follows her quickly, irritation in his every step. 'Alicia, he's done things you don't know about.'
She spins, confrontation in her body. 'Yeah? Like what Peter?'
'Like…' Peter struggles for the words, deciding how far to go. 'Like, theft. Embezzlement.' He can see it in her eyes that she already knows. 'You know about that don't you? You already know?'
'It doesn't matter what I know. It matters what you can prove. And why you want to.'
Peter is furious, anger coming off him in waves as he gestures. 'What, you're willing to forgive him for breaking the law? You don't care about that anymore? This is all about me being mean?'
'Yeah, it's ALL about you.' She rolls her eyes, her arms crossing in front of her chest.
'He did it Alicia. He hasn't even tried to deny it. And you just don't care.' His face is furious, confused. 'So you're willing to forgive him but not me?'
At this, the anger comes from her. 'You slept with my best friend and lied about it! He did whatever he did years ago, before…' at this she catches. 'Before I worked for him.'
'You are sleeping with him aren't you?' There's righteous anger in his voice now.
She shakes her head and turns to the door. She didn't get what she needed here and she isn't going to. 'Good bye Peter.'
It takes two days for her to realize an answer. Maybe not the answer for Will, but an answer for herself. She's slipping on her wedding ring when she realizes she doesn't have to know the answer to not have to pretend anymore.
Her first stop when she gets to work is David Lee's office. He looks up in surprise when she walks in but her voice is confident. 'I want you to file for legal separation from Peter.'
'As a step towards divorce?' His tone is considering.
'As legal separation.' It's all the explanation she's willing to give, she's ready to give.
Her next stop is Eli's office. She bursts in, without waiting for him to start. 'I want you to release a statement. I know you'll have to clear it with Peter first but I'm filing for legal separation. I want you to pre-empt that with a statement.'
Eli is thrown. She can immediately see that he is going to try to talk her out of it so before he can find his words she's gone. One more thing to do. One more in a list of things to do but finally, she has a plan.
The phone call is short. Peter has been expecting some action from her so he isn't surprised. His acceptance is cold, still angry. She tells him Eli already knows, she'll tell the kids that night. When it's done, she feels more focused than she has in months.
It takes a week. Eli fights her every step. David Lee files at the end of the day on a Friday but it still makes the six o'clock news.
He's in her office when she gets back from court, pacing, the baseball in his hands being tossed back and forth. She hasn't seen him more than in passing since their conversation in his office. 'I heard on the news. You filed for legal separation from Peter.'
'Yes.' She sits down at her desk, laying her bags down at her feet.
'Alicia….what does that mean?' His eyes are hopeful, desperate at the edges, but his voice is reserved.
'It means we're separated. I'm figuring things out, figuring out what I want my next step to be.' She sighs, looks at him for a moment. She can't help but smile around him. 'I want you. I want us. But I don't know what I want beyond that. Will, you have to understand. I can't introduce you to my kids right now. They need time. Their parents just separated. I need time to know where this is going before I involve them. And we can't go public yet.' At that his face hardens. 'Will, listen. I didn't cheat.'
The confusion is written all over his face. 'What? Of course you didn't.'
'If we go public at the same time as the separation that's what everyone is going to think. Give it some time to settle. Then we can have dinner downtown at some fancy restaurant with lots of cameras okay?' Her voice is pleading. She wants this. She doesn't know so much of what she wants but she wants this.
He's quiet for a long time. But when he turns back towards her, he's smiling. 'Can I hold your hand at this fancy restaurant?'
She feels the relief flood through her. For the first time in too long, she feels like herself. And like maybe she can handle this.