Background Information on this Alternate Universe: This story follows the timeline of the game until Chapter 3, where we will assume the battle of Toba-Fushimi is not going to take place, and the Shinsengumi will continue being a police force for Kyoto. I'm also keeping them in Nishi Hongwanji rather than Fudodo, for simplicity's sake. We spent a lot of time there, so I'm more familiar with the layout and have a better mental image to write with.
The story follows the game romance, Okita's route, up to the point where Okita is bedridden with tuberculosis but not yet a fury. For the sake of this story, I've removed the furies. And the demons. In fact, the only supernatural entity will be the 'god of wishes' that the Protagonist encounters, but that is something I made up entirely and not from actual mythology.
TK: Whew! Here's part 2 for ya. Man, the tricky part about this one is the fact that Chizuru can't speak. I have to rely crazy heavily on body language so she can communicate. It turned out to be a lot easier said than done; it makes this story a real challenge.
To Guest Too: We meet again! Thank you for your kind words (concerning both this chapter and the last chapter of ...SSL? Those are the initials? Really?). Like you, I'm a believer in happy endings, so you never have to worry about that with me, haha. Authors do have creative license, yes, but they should also listen to what their readers have to say, too, so I always take suggestions and things seriously. And yes, at this point in the game Okita had a pretty big case of denial XD
[Okita x Chizuru – Very Slight AU. Chizuru meets with a god who agrees to cure Okita's tuberculosis if she agrees to not utter a sound for an entire year.]
A Year of Silence
TK Grimm
PART II: HOPE
Settling the Routine
Even though her loyalty was without question, Chizuru still wasn't really allowed to leave the Shinsengumi headquarters without permission. She wasn't expressly forbidden from doing so, but it was heavily implied that she should take at least one person with her, should she need to go into the city for something.
Chizuru was fond of all of the captains from the Shiei Hall group. Each of them had carved out a place for himself in her heart, and she couldn't possibly begin to choose favorites. In that regard, she honestly didn't mind which one of them escorted her into the city whenever she needed it.
Today, the ideal choice seemed Saito Hajime, the Captain of the Third Division. He'd saved her life almost as many times as Okita, but rather than tease her relentlessly, Saito was always calm and reserved. He was polite and formal, and Chizuru appreciated the reprieve.
Chizuru found Saito finishing up some maintenance work on his katana. He was sitting outside on the wooden walkway that went around the inner courtyard of the temple. Saito's azure eyes met hers briefly when she came into his view, but they flickered back down to his blade a moment later.
She bowed to him in greeting.
"Good afternoon, Yukimura-san."
Saito never asked Chizuru about her lost voice. He never tried to get her to speak or attempted to find out why she refused to do so in the first place. He simply accepted her choice and moved on. The admiration she had for him skyrocketed over the last few months.
Chizuru was holding a sealed letter in her hand. She held it out toward Saito and used her free hand to point to herself and then the front gates of the Nishi Hongwanji Temple.
Saito's gaze followed her pointing finger and then switched back to the sealed letter. "I understand. You need someone to take you to deliver that letter."
She beamed at him and nodded before dipping into another bow as if to say, please.
"It is no trouble," Saito replied simply. He stood up from the floor and slid his katana back into its sheath. After securing it at his hip, he turned toward the door and glanced at Chizuru, indicating he wanted her to follow him.
Chizuru scurried after him and followed Saito at a respectable distance. If he were Okita, she probably would have walked at his side instead. Chizuru never stopped to consider why that was before—why she felt like she had to follow one and walk side-by-side with the other. She felt comfortable and at ease around Saito, but he just seemed like the type of man that people followed.
Saito never tried to break the silence between them. Chizuru disliked silences, but as she couldn't speak, she couldn't break it, either. She knew Saito preferred the quiet, though. It was probably better this way, simply because she would feel guilty for not being able to properly respond if he did try to talk to her. She had the notebook Harada had given her at the start of this endeavor, but it was still troublesome to communicate by writing notes. Most of the time, Chizuru just tried to mime what she needed.
"Is the letter going to Edo?" Saito asked.
Chizuru was surprised to hear him speak, but she supposed he had to ask that question, so it made sense. She nodded and offered him the letter.
Saito accepted it, but he didn't look at it. Either he wasn't curious who it was addressed to, or he didn't want to delve into her private affairs. He was very polite.
Reaching into her sleeve, Chizuru withdrew the meager coins needed to send the letter. She held them out toward Saito, who took them and gave the instructions to the courier. Once it was paid for and ready to be delivered, Saito turned and began to walk back to the temple, so Chizuru followed him once again.
Fully expecting another quiet walk, Chizuru was once again taken by surprise when she heard Saito's voice ahead of her. "Yukimura-san?" He'd actually stopped walking and appeared to be waiting for her to catch up.
Chizuru's eyebrows rose briefly, but she quickly smiled and hurried over to him. Walking at his side was different, but not in a bad way at all.
"I don't want to pry," Saito began, his voice soft. "So you don't have to answer if you don't want to. But…" he averted his gaze momentarily, and Chizuru's lips parted, unused to seeing Saito like this. "…Your decision not to speak," he continued. "I just want to know if someone did something harmful to you."
His blue eyes shifted back to her and locked onto her face, watching for any and all telling detail in her reaction. Saito was such a stable pillar, someone you could truly rely on. In battle, he was one of the fiercest, most talent warriors the Shinsengumi had, on equal grounds with Okita. It led Chizuru to the understanding that there was an underlying threat in his words just now.
The promise of retribution if someone had done something to her.
Chizuru gave him a genuine smile and shook her head, hoping to convey that he had nothing to worry about in that regard. Saito still seemed hesitant. Chizuru reached out for him and noticed his look of surprise when she lightly took hold of his sleeve in her hand. She pointed at the white triangle pattern on the sleeve of his blue haori.
"The uniform?" he asked, uncertain of her meaning.
She shook her head and tried pointing at the sleeve again.
"…The Shinsengumi?"
Chizuru nodded. She raised Saito's arm so she could bring the fabric of his sleeve up to her face. She nuzzled her face against it and smiled at him.
Saito seemed confused at first, but understanding eventually swept over his face. "Ah," he said as his shoulders relaxed. A small smile touched his lips while he spoke. "You are truly fond of the Shinsengumi. I'm glad."
Chizuru released his sleeve and smiled brightly at him. She nodded, and the two of them continued their journey back to the temple.
【新選組】
"Chizuru-chan~"
She looked up from her writing desk and turned around at the sound of Okita's voice. He was standing in the doorway to her room with an amused expression on his face.
"Writing me a love letter?"
Her face flushed scarlet, and Chizuru rapidly shook her head in the negative.
Okita chuckled and stepped inside her room. He slid the door closed behind him. The round window was open, giving a view of the sunset with a nice breeze entering the room. His green eyes lingered there a moment before switching back to Chizuru, who was waiting for him to say whatever it was he wanted to say.
"The First is going out on patrol in a few minutes," he said. "Did you want to tag along?"
After three years with no signs of her missing father, Chizuru was starting to lose faith that he was still alive. She'd grieved for him and mourned him already, and eventually stopped looking. Lately, she only tagged along on patrol if she wanted to spend time with the captains or get out of the temple for a while. It was also a good time to deliver letters.
She nodded and held up one finger to motion that she needed a little bit of time.
Okita raised an eyebrow. "You need time to finish that letter?"
She nodded again.
"Hmm~? I might be willing to let you finish writing it… if you tell me who you've been sending letters to in Edo."
For the past three weeks, Chizuru had been writing pretty consistent letters to someone in Edo. Okita knew this because he'd gone with her to take them to the courier twice, and he knew that a few of the other captains had, too. No one asked her who she was writing to. The girl was from Edo, after all, so she probably had a friend there or something. But Okita wasn't satisfied with that answer.
Chizuru frowned a little. She held a finger up to her lips and shook her head.
"It's a secret?" Okita asked. He folded his arms across his chest and grinned at her. "How do I know you're not writing to some spy, giving away Shinsengumi secrets?"
Chizuru looked horrified by the suggestion and made wild gestures of protest.
Her over-the-top reaction set Okita into laughter, and he finally waved his hand in dismissal a few times to show her he was joking. "Just kidding." He stopped laughing and relaxed his face into simple mirth. "Really though, Chizuru-chan, why can't you tell me? You're going to make me think you have some secret lover back in Edo or something. If that's the case, I'll probably have to go there myself and kill him."
She gaped at him and nearly dropped her ink brush. Chizuru quickly set it down before she got black ink over herself and her desk. She switched her gaze back to Okita and waved her hands and shook her head to signal a huge no.
"I don't know…" Okita said teasingly as he leaned down toward her, enjoying the shades of red her face changed into. "You could be lying to me to protect him."
Chizuru looked completely exasperated. She reached for the notepad Harada had given her and grabbed her ink brush. With a few rapid strokes, she wrote out, I don't have a secret lover!
Okita spared it only a glance to read it and snickered at Chizuru's over-emotional reaction. "Alright, alright, I believe you. You don't seem the type to have a secret lover, anyway."
She shot him a bland look and nodded. Obviously.
He laughed again and reached over to ruffle her hair—more roughly than affectionately this time. "Don't sass me, kid." When Okita pulled back, he grinned at the happy smile on Chizuru's face. So she liked it when he did that. "Alright, finish your mystery letter. Then meet us at the front gates and we'll go on patrol."
Chizuru finished the letter quickly and sealed the letter herself. She hurried to the front gates where Okita and the rest of the First Division were waiting. He beckoned her forward, so she smiled and took her place at his side. They passed under the gates together and began the evening patrol.
As always, Chizuru didn't speak as they walked through Kyoto. It had been three months since she stopped talking. Not that Okita was keeping track or anything.
It had also been three months since he recovered from tuberculosis, and he'd yet to even suffer a relapse. Doctor Matsumoto paid him a visit and said his recovery was remarkable and unprecedented. He congratulated Okita and called it a miracle, especially after Okita told him it had pretty much happened over night.
He'd resumed his duties as captain, and his life as a samurai continued the way it had been before he got sick. His skills were as honed as ever, his instincts as sharp—it was as if Okita had never been sick at all.
Okita never really believed that good things happened to people. Fate usually seemed to have one cruel twist in store after another. After falling down, climbing back up and walking again just seemed to be a natural part of life. He never received any 'freebies' or was cut any slack, nor did he expect it.
And yet, his fatal illness was gone, as if he'd been given a second chance.
It got him thinking from time to time, mostly when he was with Chizuru. She couldn't speak, so her usual mindless chatter that filled the silence was absent, leaving him to either talk enough for the both of them or sit in silence with her, lost in his thoughts.
When it was the latter, Okita would ponder why his illness was cured. Why would someone like him get a second chance in the first place? Okita was a sword—and a sword was a weapon. His purpose in life was to kill Kondou's enemies. It was the only thing he was good at. So dying in service to the Shinsengumi seemed a good enough way to go.
Most of the time, he believed he just had more battles to fight for Kondou and the Shinsengumi. That made sense. It was familiar. He could buy into that. But other times, he would look at Chizuru and wonder—
"Chizuru-chan," he said, his voice happy and cheerful to mask his true feelings, "would you be sad if I died?"
Chizuru's breath caught in her throat. The question clearly had caught her completely off-guard. She looked at Okita, her mouth slightly ajar. The expression quickly morphed into one of immense sorrow and worry. She reached for him and put her hand on his arm, squeezing the fabric of his asagi-iro haori between her fingers. She shook her head frantically.
He could tell from her body language alone what she meant to say, but Okita wanted to hear her say it. "Hmm~? That doesn't really answer my question, Chizuru-chan."
Chizuru's worry increased. She fumbled through her sleeves until she found her notebook and quickly wrote in a message. When she finished it, she all but shoved it in his face.
You aren't allowed to die!
Okita laughed at her enthusiasm. "You're so bossy, Chizuru-chan!" He relaxed a bit and faced straight ahead as they walked. "That's part of life, though. I fight for the Shinsengumi. Eventually, that means I'll die for it, preferably while fighting."
His words felt like poison, though they were spoken with casual indifference. The way he disregarded his life and his importance clawed at Chizuru's insides. She knew Okita thought of himself as a weapon, that he served no other purpose, but it destroyed her from the inside out knowing that she couldn't change his mind and make him see that that was not true.
She wrote him another note. Okita-san needs to live. You can't fight for Kondou-san if you're dead.
Okita saw what she wrote in the note. He thought about debating with her, but with her not speaking to him, it mostly defeated the purpose. The silence between them seemed to strike louder, particularly at this moment, and he found it equal parts unsettling and displeasing.
The moment passed, and he ended up not responding. Chizuru fell into an uncomfortable silence at his side and even put away her notebook. They didn't say much else other than when Okita told her to watch her step so she didn't trip over a rock in the road.
She passed the letter to the courier and gave him his fee. When she turned back to Okita, she found him watching her with a curious frown.
"Why do you keep sending letters to Edo?" he asked, despite knowing she probably wouldn't answer.
Chizuru lowered her gaze and pushed around at the dirt a little with her sandal.
When he saw that he was right, Okita sighed and turned to continue the First Division's patrol.
Visiting Family
One week later, the Shinsengumi received a surprise visitor. A woman came to the Nishi Hongwanji Temple leading a young girl of four years by the hand. The child's black hair was pinned up with many flowers, and her hazel-colored eyes glistened like sunlight. She wore a pink kimono and had a face pretty enough to make her look like a porcelain doll.
The man who intercepted her at the gates was a samurai in the Third Division named Murasaki. "Can I help you, Miss?" He worked directly under Saito and specialized in spear-based combat. He was a heavily muscled man with a prominent jaw and narrow black eyes.
"I'm here to see Commander Kondou of the Shinsengumi," said the woman.
"I see," Murasaki said, his smile turning a little awkward. He glanced back at the entrance to the temple and rubbed the back of his neck. It wasn't exactly protocol to let random civilians into the Shinsengumi's headquarters, after all. "Well… is he expecting you?"
"It's a surprise," she admitted. She seemed so kind that Murasaki didn't want to refuse her right off the bat. "But I was invited."
"Tsune-san!" exclaimed Captain Harada when he saw her. He jogged over to them and stopped at a good, conversational distance with a smile. "What a pleasant surprise! Does Kondou-san know you're here?"
Kondou Otsune smiled at Harada's familiar face and shook her head. "No, he doesn't. Will you please take me to him?"
"Of course," Harada said kindly.
Kondou was in the main hall with Hijikata, Okita, and Chizuru, who was the only one who didn't look surprised to see Otsune and her daughter. There was a tray of tea in the middle of the floor that the four of them had been sitting around. The discussion hadn't been an important one, or Chizuru wouldn't have been there.
The Commander went so far as to rub his eyes in disbelief, and when he realized that the vision of his wife and daughter was not an illusion, he scrambled off the floor and wrapped them both up in a tight embrace.
"I can't believe you're here!" he exclaimed. He picked up Tamako in his arms and spun her around in a happy circle that made her giggle with delight. "Oh, Tama-chan, I missed you so much!"
"We both missed you dearly," Otsune told him.
Hijikata joined the family with a rare, peaceful look on his face. It was as if many of his worries had melted away at the sight of something so happy and pure. He addressed Otsune with a simple bow at first before he fixed her with a small smile. "It's good to see you both. We weren't expecting you, though. What brings you to Kyoto?"
"Yes, you should have sent a letter!" Kondou said. He held Tamako against his chest, and the little girl held onto her father and refused to let go. "This is a nice surprise, but I would have given you money for the trip…"
Otsune bowed properly. "Please pardon our sudden appearance."
Kondou held his daughter to him with one hand and reached his other down to hold the side of Otsune's face. He gently pulled her head back up so that he could look her in the eyes. "There's nothing to pardon or forgive," he said. "I'm just glad you're here."
Otsune glanced over at Chizuru briefly before switching to Kondou with a smile. "I had a little help, but I'm glad everything worked out. We both miss you all the time while you're away…"
Okita gave an obligatory, polite smile when Otsune looked at him, but he didn't walk over there to join the greetings like Hijikata did. He wanted Kondou to have time with his family, mostly because he knew how much Kondou missed their company. The sudden appearance of Kondou's wife and daughter was certainly a surprise, but how did they get here without anyone knowing about it?
He watched Otsune and Chizuru exchange meaningful glances. Okita's green eyes landed on Chizuru. Everything clicked into place, and suddenly, it was so obvious, Okita wondered how he never caught on before. He turned his gaze toward Chizuru, who was smiling obliviously at Kondou while he played with his young daughter.
"Chizuru-chan," he said, drawing her attention to him. "You planned this all along, didn't you? Those letters you were writing to Edo—it was all setup for this. You wanted to make Kondou-san happy."
She blushed and nodded. Chizuru mouthed the words I'm sorry to Okita and bowed.
Okita sighed. He reached toward her and put his hand on top of her head before using that hand to pull her toward him and into his chest. His gaze was unfocused. He didn't wrap his arms around her or anything like that. But he kept her there for a significant moment, his hand on the top of her head and holding her to him.
The moment passed, and Okita released her. He didn't say anything. No snarky comments or teasing remarks. He just turned his gaze back to Kondou's smiling face and watched the happy scene from afar with Chizuru.
【新選組】
"You can't know the relief it is to see your wife and child after so long," Kondou said with a blissful sigh. "Souji, I feel like I've been reborn."
It was late in the evening. Kondou sat beside Otsune in their room with Okita nearby. Otsune had always helped Okita feel like part of the family, even though he wasn't related by blood to any of them.
Tamako was asleep in Okita's lap. Ever since she was born, Okita had taken a liking to her. On the rare chance that he returned to Edo, he always visited her and played with her. He was good with children, and Tamako was his favorite. Much like Kondou, Okita spoiled her rotten, and Tamako loved every minute of it.
After playing with her all day, she'd finally fallen asleep in his lap that evening while Okita spoke with Kondou and Otsune. They reminisced on the past and caught up with each other. It was the first time in a while that Okita was able to completely relax. He didn't want to take up all of their family time, but he knew they wouldn't begrudge him a few more minutes, especially since Tamako was asleep.
"It's good to see you so happy, Kondou-san," Okita said honestly. He couldn't quite get up to move, lest he wake up Tamako, so he was stuck there for a little while longer.
Kondou looked at him with undisguised fondness. "I'd like to see you happy, too, Souji."
"I'm happy so long as I can fight for you," said Okita. He'd had this conversation a few too many times in the past few months, since his recovery. He was starting to have a few automatic responses because of that.
Otsune surprised him, though. "I think there are other things that make you happy, Souji-kun."
Okita made a slight attempt to not look completely skeptical. "Hmm~?"
Otsune smiled innocently at him. "You seem very fond of Chizuru-chan."
His throat went a little dry. Okita forced his expression to remain oblivious and neutral. "Everyone is fond of Chizuru-chan."
"It's true," Kondou said, beaming. "Yukimura-kun is always looking out for everyone in the Shinsengumi. I can't believe she went to the trouble of booking you passage here by ship, though. I can't thank her enough for giving me some time with you both."
"She's a sweet girl," Otsune agreed. "We started corresponding a few weeks ago, and she's been like a little pen pal to me. It was very nice of her to help me plan a trip to visit you." Her eyes drifted back over to Okita. "She didn't tell you she was writing to me?"
He shook his head with a slight frown. "She doesn't talk anymore."
"Yes, she mentioned that in her letters," said Otsune.
Okita's gaze snapped toward her. "Did she tell you why?"
"No," Otsune replied with a smile.
Okita sighed and switched his gaze back down to Tamako's sleeping form. So Chizuru wouldn't even open up to a fellow woman about why she refused to speak. The future looked grim for some reason. It was getting harder for him to imagine her talking or even the sound of her voice. He didn't like how negatively that affected him.
"So," Otsune said, slyly changing the subject as he addressed her husband, "have you had any luck convincing Souji-kun to take a wife?"
Okita looked like he had a bad taste in his mouth, but Kondou laughed the question aside. "I haven't!" he admitted. "Souji stubbornly refuses any suggestions I make. I thought maybe it might be better to find him an Edo woman instead."
Otsune brought her finger to her lips and looked toward the ceiling in pretend contemplation. "Hmm… but where can we find a good Edo woman in Kyoto? Why, the only one I can think of is Chizuru-chan."
Okita's eyes narrowed. He wasn't nearly as oblivious as Kondou was, so he saw through Otsune's words as soon as they left her mouth.
Kondou laughed good-naturedly and said, "Sometimes I forget that Yukimura-kun is from Edo, too. Ah, but I can't set Souji up with her. He's in love with someone else."
"I am not—"
"Really?" Otsune asked, genuinely surprised. "Who is she?"
"I'm not sure!" Kondou admitted as if Okita's protest hadn't even registered. "He won't tell me who she is! But he dodges the subject like he used to when he was a kid trying to get away with things."
Okita frowned. "No, I don't…"
"You do," Kondou grinned. "It's how you wormed your way out of trouble when you were younger. You may be an adult now, but some things never change."
Otsune relaxed a little, and her smile returned. "I see. She must be quite the girl to have caught Souji-kun's eye."
Okita could hardly believe what he was hearing. "There is no girl," he insisted.
Kondou chuckled and said, "Right. Of course." The wink that followed wasn't even remotely subtle.
It was a good thing Okita couldn't bring himself to argue or sass Kondou. Anyone else wouldn't live another day after saying that stuff in front of him. Instead, Okita was forced to sit there and endure it until the subject was mercifully changed once again.
【新選組】
Tamako had an adorable fondness for Okita. She followed him everywhere. She was a quiet girl, more like her mother, but she had her father's eyes. Her kindness likely came from both parents, but she had a shy side that seemed to come out whenever Okita was around. She'd follow him around the temple closely, bee-lining his every step.
It amused Okita so much that at one point, he stopped abruptly and waited. Barely a second later, Tamako accidentally bumped into him because she'd been following him so closely. Okita glanced over and saw Chizuru biting her lip to keep from laughing, and he grinned. He turned around and picked up Tamako in his arms, holding her up by his chest so he could meet her gaze.
"You're too cute, Tamako-chan," he said teasingly.
Tamako beamed at him. "Thank you!" She had her father's bright, megawatt smile.
Like most children, Tamako had an early bedtime, landing right after the First Division returned from patrol. Okita was barely past the front gates when she came calling his name, barreling into him with childish enthusiasm. Tamako wrapped her arms around Okita's legs and looked up at him happily.
"Welcome back, Souji-kun!"
Okita cheerfully picked her up with a soft, "Hey, you. I'm back." He glanced back at his men in the First Division and dismissed them. Their duties were finished for the day, and many of them were likely eager to relax and drink sake.
While the First Division was on patrol, Tamako had been playing with Chizuru. Tamako was a polite girl who didn't bother Chizuru about her lack of a voice. And Chizuru found her to be as adorable as Okita did, so she didn't mind spending time with her while Okita was busy with his duties for the Shinsengumi.
And so, that night, Chizuru and Okita tucked little Tamako into her futon together.
"Sleep well, Tamako-chan," Okita said as Chizuru pulled the covers up to the little girl's chin.
"Good night, Souji-kun. Good night, Chizuru-chan."
Once Tamako was settled and falling asleep, Okita and Chizuru quietly left the room. Chizuru had a blissful look on her face as she followed Okita outside. They sat down together on the wooden walkway overlooking the inner courtyard. The night sky was alit with stars and moonlight, and a few lanterns illuminated what the natural light did not. The night was beautiful and quiet.
The night air smelled fresh and crisp. It was rejuvenating in its own way. Summer was over, and winter was well on its way. Soon, Kyoto would be covered by a light dusting of snow. Okita was looking forward to it. He'd been sick and banned from playing in the snow like the others had last year. This year, he'd actually get to enjoy it.
He was about to comment on that, maybe challenge Chizuru to a snowball fight, but then he remembered that she wouldn't be able to answer him.
"Sometimes I wonder if you're ever going to talk again," Okita commented idly. He glanced at Chizuru briefly out of the corner of his eyes. Her hands were folded in her lap, and she was looking at the ground with a sad expression. "Not that your silence is bothering me or anything. It's just… you've been so quiet. I haven't heard you say anything since—" he broke off mid-sentence at the memory of the cruel things he'd said to her that day. Was that the last time he'd heard her voice? Truly?
Chizuru fidgeted, but she did not speak. Not that Okita expected any different.
"I never thought I'd say this, but I almost kinda miss it," he said, looking away from her. He heard her breath catch in her throat, but he didn't want her to see his face when he said ridiculous things like this. "You used to drive me nuts with your worrying and nagging. Now I'd give just about anything to hear it again. Isn't that stupid?"
He saw movement from his peripheral vision and looked over in time to see her shake her head vehemently. Her lips were turned down, and her brow was creased in worry.
Okita gave an agitated sigh and ran his fingers through his hair in a stressed gesture. "And yet you still won't talk to me. I don't get it, Chizuru-chan… Are you mad at me?"
She shook her head rapidly again. She didn't seem to be lying. That was the thing about Chizuru—even if it wasn't what the other person wanted to hear, she was always, always honest. It was his favorite quality about her.
"I just… don't know what to do," he confessed, averting his gaze to the ground. "Damn it… You're usually the one who fills the silence, not me. But since you won't talk, I keep saying more and more stupid things. Why is that?" His green eyes shifted to catch hers, and they locked on. "Why won't you talk to me anymore?"
Chizuru held his gaze for a moment, and he watched as her eyes welled up with tears. She dropped her head down, ashamed, and covered her face with her hands.
Okita grimaced; the last thing he wanted was to cause more tears from her. "Alright, alright, I won't ask anymore. Just… don't cry, okay?"
She sniffed, wiped her eyes, and managed a slow, shaky nod.
The Deal
In the dead of winter, now six months into Chizuru's vow of silence, Hijikata had had enough. Feeling like he'd been more than fair, it was now apparent that Chizuru had no intention of revealing to anyone why she wouldn't speak. It was also clear that it wasn't an illness; she was quiet because she chose to be. And he was going to find out why.
"Chizuru," he said. His deep voice startled her, and she looked up at him in confusion. "Come with me. You can finish that later."
She'd been in the process of washing the floor. Hijikata's orders were not to be ignored, though, so Chizuru set aside the damp cloth on the rim of the water bucket and quickly followed him into the wooden walkway around the temple. He didn't speak as he led her toward his room. When they made it, he slid the door open and stepped inside, leaving it that way to indicate that she was to enter.
Chizuru stepped inside Hijikata's room and slid the door closed behind her. She sat down on the floor across from him and tried not to feel too terribly intimidated by the frightful way he was staring at her.
"There's no one here but us," he said clearly. "You're going to tell me why you won't speak."
She looked down at the ground submissively.
Hijikata scowled at her. "I mean it, Chizuru. This isn't normal behavior, especially from you. It's been half a year, and you haven't said a single word. To anyone. So cut the bullshit and tell me what's going on."
That was Hijikata. He was straight and to the point. His words could be a bit cold, but despite his harsh tones, he'd proven to care deeply for those close to him, especially Kondou. Even knowing that, he was still frightening.
Chizuru looked at him and covered her mouth with her hand. She shook her head.
It didn't change his mind. "If you're not going to tell me," he said stubbornly, "then write it."
Chizuru leaned back, looking like an animal about to flee, but Hijikata held her gaze dominantly, silently refusing to let her do so. He nodded toward his desk where some spare paper was already set up. There was an ink stone already prepared with water in the well area and a set of three brushes waiting for her.
"You're not leaving this room until you tell me why you won't speak," he threatened.
She had no choice. Slowly and hesitantly, with body language resembling a scolded child, Chizuru moved over to the small writing desk and sat down in front of it. She glanced back at Hijikata, perhaps to see if he'd change his mind, but his stern gaze was unwavering. She shrank back and faced the desk once more. After dipping the brush into the ink, she began to write.
I made a bargain with a god.
Hijikata peered down at the words with a furrowed brow. "A god? Do you mean that literally? A spirit or something made a deal with you and took your voice?"
Chizuru looked apprehensive, but she wrote a name.
Tanukishiro.
At twenty-eight years old, Hijikata hadn't listened to folktales or supernatural fables in many years. Perhaps that's why it took him so long to place the name from a memory in his childhood. "The God of Wishes?"
Chizuru nodded.
Hijikata was not an expert on spirits and legends. His beliefs were much more concrete, much more solid and what-you-see-is-what-you-get, so to speak. It wasn't that he didn't believe her; it's just that he had little to no experience with such things.
Still, what he could recall was that nothing could be obtained from Tanukishiro without a price. "So you made a wish, and the price of that wish is to never speak again? Tell me you wouldn't be so foolish."
Chizuru shook her head and wrote another sentence on the paper.
A year of silence.
Hijikata nodded, refusing to show the relief he was feeling on the inside. It was a bit ridiculous how thankful he felt knowing Chizuru wasn't mute for the rest of her days. In six months time, she would be back to her old self. Chattering away to anyone who will listen and talking to herself when she thinks no one can hear her. He didn't let it show just how much he actually missed that.
But there was still one unanswered question. "What was your wish?"
Chizuru pressed her lips together tightly as she averted her gaze. Her hand which held the ink brush seemed reluctant before she finally set it to the paper once again.
I can't tell you.
Hijikata narrowed his eyes. "Is that part of your bargain with the spirit?"
God, spirit, deity, demon—who knew what such beings really were. Some things were just better off without proper labels.
The way Chizuru hesitated and couldn't make eye-contact told Hijikata all he needed to know. She wasn't forbidden from saying what the bargain was, but she didn't want to say what it was, either. Still, that wasn't going to fly with him. He wanted answers.
"Chizuru." A warning.
She cringed. Chizuru looked at the paper, then at Hijikata, then back at the paper while she mulled over her options and debated what to write.
Before she could decide, someone approached Hijikata's door. The voice belonged to Okita. "Hijikata-san?" Without waiting for an invitation, Okita slid open the shoji door. "Not to interrupt what I'm sure is important, but Kondou-san was asking for you."
The bitterness in his voice was nothing new. Okita hated sharing Kondou, especially with Hijikata. The fact that Kondou (likely completely oblivious) sent him to fetch Hijikata was probably salt on the open wound. However, when Okita saw that Chizuru was in the room, his frown seemed to deepen.
Chizuru looked even more surprised to see him. Her eyes shot from Okita, to the paper, and back to Okita—a gesture that did not go unnoticed by Hijikata. He furrowed his brow and tried to piece it all together, ignoring Okita's previous comment.
Did Chizuru's wish… have something to do with Okita? Once Hijikata considered the possibility, the realization that followed hit him like a splash of cold water. His violet eyes widened considerably, and he stared at Okita as if in a state of shock.
"Impossible…" he murmured.
Okita raised an eyebrow. "What is?"
A fearful expression crossed Chizuru's face when she realized that Hijikata must have figured it out. She frantically waved her hands in front of Hijikata and shook her head, hoping to convince him otherwise, but her actions only served to prove his suspicion was correct.
The shock vanished from Hijikata's face and was replaced with anger. He turned toward Chizuru and reached out a hand to grab the front of her kimono. He pulled her in a little and all but growled, "You didn't. Tell me you didn't do it, Yukimura!"
Okita was at her side in a second. He caught Hijikata's wrist in his hand and looked at him with an icy coldness in his green eyes that far surpassed his usual annoyance for the Vice-Commander. "Let her go, Hijikata-san."
Hijikata released Chizuru only to round on Okita. "Did you know about this, Souji?" he demanded. "Did you put her up to this?" He looked ready to throttle Okita, or at least hit him.
"Put her up to what, exactly?" Okita shot back.
"Don't play dumb!" Hijikata snapped. "Did you tell Chizuru to sacrifice her voice to cure your illness?"
Okita recoiled back as if he'd been slapped. His anger melted away in the face of his shock. There was no faking that expression. Hijikata knew right then and there that Okita truly had no idea that that was the reason Chizuru wasn't speaking.
When he spoke, his voice shook a little. "Is that true?" He turned toward Chizuru, his tone a firm yet disbelieving command. "Is what Hijikata-san just said true?"
Chizuru lowered her head in shame. Knowing she wasn't going to answer, Hijikata calmed down a bit and answered for her. "She has to remain silent for an entire year." His violet eyes shifted over to Chizuru. "Did you even stop to think of the consequences here? That if you fail, if you so much is laugh or cry out in pain or anything, his illness will come back and it will be your fault?"
She couldn't bring herself to look either of them in the eyes. Her shoulders were slumped in remorse. Of course she realized that. That's why she'd tried so hard to remain completely silent for the past six months.
Okita's mind was reeling in turmoil. He clenched his hands into trembling fists at his sides and stared at Chizuru. The whirlwind of emotions going through him were a jumbled mess more chaotic than a typhoon.
"Why?" he said. He hardly recognized his own voice. "Why would you do that?" Of the mess of emotions, his anger seemed to make it to the surface first. "I never asked for your help!"
Chizuru shrank back away from him in fear.
Okita couldn't believe it. The rest of the world around him, including Hijikata, became nothing more than a blur. As the reason for Chizuru's silence these past six months sank in, he found himself torn between shock, denial, and resentment.
"I don't need your help!" he said harshly. "I never asked for any of this! Why would you even—" he broke off mid-sentence, right as he caught sight of her tears.
Chizuru noticed where he was looking right away and quickly raised her sleeve to wipe at her face, but they kept on falling. She used the temporary distraction to get up and quickly run from the room.
"Chizuru!" Hijikata yelled. She was already gone.
It was the first time she'd left the Shinsengumi headquarters on her own. Chizuru didn't even look back. She just ran until she couldn't run anymore. She ducked in a tiny alleyway between two buildings and leaned her back against the wall of one of them. After sliding down to the ground, she wrapped her arms around her legs and buried her face so she could cry in peace.
Okita never liked receiving help from anyone. She knew that. She knew he would be furious with her if he ever found out the reason she couldn't speak. That was the main reason she never told anyone. Whatever Okita's opinion on the matter was, the answer was clear to Chizuru.
If it meant saving his life, a year of silence was a price she was more than willing to pay. It wasn't even that high of a price. The difficulty in it was the fact that she had her voice, she just couldn't use it. So any time she wanted to laugh or cry or gasp or say anything at all, she had to hold it down, bottle it up, and force herself to not make a single sound.
Because the moment she slipped up… well, she couldn't think about that. Failure wasn't an option. She would never be able to live with herself if she broke her end of the deal. After so many months of Okita being healthy and happy again, only to have that crushed as his illness came back, and knowing that it was Chizuru's fault…
She would rather die.
Whether or not anyone came after her, no one was able to find her. Chizuru spent the day alone in Kyoto. She wandered through a few streets and dodged the Second Divison's patrol when she saw them coming down the opposite side of the road. She wasn't afraid of them, but she was afraid to return to headquarters. If Okita looked at her with that vengeful gaze again, she wouldn't be able to stop herself from bursting into tears.
When night fell, she still hadn't regained her nerve. And Kyoto at night was a dangerous place to be.
【新選組】
They close in around her, and she cannot scream. Their hands start to touch her, and she cannot cry. They hold her arms and her legs, and all of her meager strength can't even free a single limb. Hope begins to fade.
A gust of wind—the sound of flesh being cut. Something hot and wet splatters onto her kimono. She feels it hit her neck and drip down her chest. A gurgle, followed by a scream, and a final cry of pain; these all happen before Chizuru manages to open her eyes.
And there he stands, his back in front of her, his head facing profile as he stares down at the thug on the ground. The moonlight hits Okita just right, making half of him a silhouette and the other half bathed in glowing light. He looks ethereal and transcendent—Chizuru feels unworthy to look upon him.
He raises his sword, and she knows more death shall follow. But she cannot take her eyes off him as he cuts down her other attackers. It is over in seconds, but her eyes lingered on his form for hours. The image sears into her memory. Her bloodstained protector standing silent vigil before her as the moonlight cloaks his visage.
【新選組】
When the last thug fell into a puddle of blood, Okita finally turned toward Chizuru. She was on her knees on the ground, staring at him with wide eyes. The front of her kimono was splattered with blood, and even though he knew it wasn't hers, the sight of it still made his hands start to shake. A very real, very human twinge of fear coursed through his body, fear that if he'd been just one second later…
Without even pausing to sheath his sword, Okita crossed over to Chizuru in two long steps and wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her to him in a tight embrace as one hand clutched the hilt of his sword like a lifeline and the other wound its fingers into her hair.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" he asked. He hated how terrified his voice sounded just then. "Why didn't you scream? They almost—"
Chizuru pulled back a little and looked up at Okita with wide, concerned eyes. Her brow was furrowed, and she shook her head solemnly, hoping to convey to him that she couldn't scream.
"Chizuru," he said seriously. Okita gripped her chin between his index finger and thumb, forcing her to meet his gaze and know that he meant business. "If curing my illness means putting you in danger, then forget about it. I'll find another cure. If anything like this ever happens again, I want you to scream until you can't scream anymore. Do you understand me?"
She did—of course she understood. But she couldn't answer him. And she couldn't tell the truth. So she nodded, still a little frightened, and hoped he would believe her. If she were telling the truth, Chizuru knew full well she wouldn't scream the second time, either. After all, if she was dead, she couldn't make any noise and Okita's tuberculosis would be cured that much faster.
"You…" Okita breathed, staring at Chizuru in disbelief. "You're completely disregarding everything I'm saying, aren't you? You're still putting me before yourself. You can't do that, Chizuru-chan."
Chizuru frowned at him. Her fear was ebbing away, replaced with frustration. It was hypocritical for Okita to tell her that. She took her index finger and poked him in the chest, hard, and kept her finger pointing at him, hoping to convey those same thoughts.
Okita's green eyes narrowed. "That's different," he said. "I'm allowed to put you before myself."
Chizuru's jaw dropped in a way that very clearly stated, How is THAT fair?
Okita pressed his mouth closed tightly for a moment. "It doesn't matter. Just…" he lowered his head and his shoulders slumped. The adrenaline was fading from his body, and he found himself feeling surprisingly exhausted. "Just please scream next time, okay? If… if I hadn't been here… If I hadn't found you in time…"
His concern touched her heart. Never before had she ever dreamed Okita would treat her this way. Chizuru's body was warm all over, and she felt like she was glowing. She reached toward him and gently held her hand to the side of Okita's face. Giving him a gentle smile, she stroked her thumb over his cheek.
When his green eyes flickered up to hers, they lowered to the smile on her lips for just a moment. Okita raised his hand and covered Chizuru's, keeping it pressed to the side of his face. It was so difficult to allow himself to be close to her like this. But it was getting harder and harder to push her away.
"Every day that I don't hear your voice," he quietly murmured, "I feel like a piece of me is dying."
Chizuru's lips parted, and her breath hitched in her throat. Her free hand gripped the fabric of her hakama. She wanted to speak, she felt the words on her tongue, but she didn't dare lift her voice. Her heart ached, and she hoped he understood what she wanted to say: Please forgive me.
Okita's eyes slid closed, and he let out a slow, unsteady sigh. When they opened, he covered Chizuru's hand with both of his and held them up toward his forehead while he looked down at the ground. Chizuru released her hakama and raised her free hand up to Okita's head. She lightly ran her fingers over the top of his head a couple times in a soft, comforting gesture. When she reached the ends of his hair, she slipped her fingers through his locks to gently comb them.
To her surprise, Okita leaned into her touch. He didn't speak, though. He kept hold of her other hand and lowered it to his chin and mouth so his eyes could watch Chizuru while she lightly caressed his hair. It was such a soft, soothing gesture. It was innocent and pure, just like her.
"When this is over," he began, his voice surprisingly quiet. Chizuru's hand stopped on the side of his head. "…I want you to talk my ear off." Her eyes widened, but Okita did not relent. "I'm serious. I want you to talk so much your throat gets raw, then drink some tea and keep talking. I want you to keep me up all night by being a chatterbox. If you don't do that for me, I won't forgive you."
Chizuru relaxed, and her face settled into a blissful smile. She lowered her hand that had been touching his hair and let it slide down to his shoulder instead. Then, she gave him a calm, reassuring nod to that unspoken promise.
【新選組】
TK:Only one more chapter of this short little trilogy. It's my own way of stalling while I prep more for my samurai story after this one. I hope I see all of you there!
Seems like most of you prefer third person point of view, like myself :D Well, here's another discussion, and it'd be swell if you all joined in again
Today's topic: Violence
I had a similar discussion topic in one of my Naruto stories, and I wanted to throw it into this category just to see if the answers were any different. So what do you folks think of violence in fiction? To me, there's just something weirdly sexy about a guy who can fight. A basic example here would be in, say, a superhero movie when the hero's girlfriend is kidnapped (or dies) and the hero just goes on a rampage. Total bonus points for it being violence induced by love, like in that scenario.
Random acts of violence FTW. It's how fictional men show they care XD And action scenes are awesome. I look forward to filling my next story with badassery. Hopefully believable and realistic badassery.
Yeah, okay, maybe that's just me, or maybe you think something's wrong with me in the psychological department for getting my jollies on some guy (Okita) beating up (killing) someone to protect Chizuru (me/you, if you're playing the game version). Maybe I'm just desensitized to it.
Any of you know what I'm talking about and agree? Or are you like, "Ermahgurd, violence is wrong D:" (Then you probably shouldn't be fantasizing over Okita) Or are you somewhere in the middle, like, violence is okay when it calls for it, but use it in moderation?
Let me know what you think on this topic!