Author's Note; Originally this was just going to be a one-off for the LJ Challenge... but so many of you kind readers requested more, so here's another little installment. This time it's from Jen's POV - and I'm not sure I got into her head right, but hopefully you'll understand my writing style near the end where I completed her sentences in her head, but she doesn't say it out loud. If you like it I can add more... but... I guess you'll tell me! :)

This popped into my head while listening to the GooGooDolls song "Name" -- so feel free to give it a listen before or while you read it 'cause it seemed to flow with the idea.

-Nika

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away

She stood silent and still, alone in the shadows on the balcony, watching him. Unable to move. Unable to look away. She knew he'd be there. He always was. Because what had once been her private spot to hide, reflect, and bury her dead, was no longer private.

He was there.

They were all there.

But she didn't mind. They'd leave soon. And she could have her solitude. Not that she wanted them to leave. Just that they always did. Eventually.

Eyes open. She could see him – seated at the far side of the balcony. He lounged like a giant cat – with strength and grace. Away, he was power and fuel. A warrior. But here? Here he was… softer. Still coiled, still watchful, but he allowed the barriers to drop – if only slightly. Here he let those he called friends… inside. Inside to a place she wished, dreamed, she had the strength and courage to stand. But it was not to be. She was not invited.

Eyes closed. She could hear him – the laughter he gifted them with. How she loved that sound. It started deep in his chest – a low rumble of tension and release as the muscles in his torso danced. Then it moved higher, peeling away the layers of death and destruction, of too much seen and too much done, to reveal the young man, the boy, the child laughing at his friends, laughing at himself. It carried across the night air and brought a smile to her lips.

Face turned into the evening breeze. She could feel him – warmth and security, like a soft blanket surrounding her. He surrounded them all. Those he respected. Those he protected. Even the air reacted to his presence – a shift in energy – when he was near. She'd become more attune to the subtle changes in her skin when he was near. The sensual tingle across the back of her neck. The way her heart beat with a slightly sporadic rhythm. The way her fingers itched to linger whenever she touched him.

Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way

And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away

As a doctor it was her job to watch. Listen. Learn.

And she was very good at her job.

So she watched. And listened. And learned.

No one questioned his strength or endurance. But few people realized how incredibly intelligent he was. He had an amazing mind for detail, strategy, and analytics. None faulted his drive and determination, but few understood the loyalty and respect for his team that went with it. Everyone saw the barriers, but only a select number saw the wounded man beneath them.

She saw the way the men avoided him. A few out of respect. Most out of fear. He ignored them. He was used to it. He shouldn't have to be used to it. He'd done so much. Given so much. He deserved a hero's welcome. Not the snide glares reserved for an outsider. It made her angry.

She saw the way the women watched him. The whispers behind his back. The sexual suggestions never said to his face. Then how those women avoided him – the flash of fear when he acknowledged their presence. The change in his eyes when he recognized that fear. It hurt him. She wanted to go after the women – tell them what she knew – but kept quiet. Some part of her wanting to keep him to herself. Because she knew the truth. Even if she'd never admit it aloud.

She wasn't afraid of him.

Would never be afraid of him.

She was afraid of herself.

And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names

We don't belong to no one
That's a shame

She lived under shadows of big men. Co-workers towering over her in stature and in attitude. Superiors who ignored her mind and penalized her for size. She was too small. Too young. Too quiet. Too female.

She'd built up so many of her own barriers she'd long ago lost the little girl who just wanted to help people. To save lives. To cure the hurt and make people better and know she was making a difference.

So she'd come here. And yes, she'd taken a leap of faith. She'd put everything behind her to do something. Something bigger than herself. To move past saving the people. Saving the world. To saving the galaxy.

To run away.

Because maybe here things would be different.

Maybe here – they wouldn't treat her like a child who wanted to play doctor. Maybe here she'd finally find a place where she could belong.

Or maybe it would just be a different kind of loneliness.

But at least it would be different.

But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while

And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name

She'd done her best today. She always did her best.

But sometimes best didn't matter. She could have stood on her head and operated one handed and still they'd say she didn't deserve to be where she was.

Most day's she didn't care.

Today… well, it was one of the day's she did.

Maybe she couldn't do the job. Maybe she didn't deserve to be here. Maybe she should just go home.

Too tired to ignore them. Too weary to shrug it off.

Today she'd let them win.

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far

Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star

She closed her eyes and turned her face into the evening breeze.

Even he'd once said he believed she was weak. She didn't belong.

The words surprised her, but didn't. She'd always expected to hear them right before she was sent back to Earth. That in a galaxy where nothing was ordinary, she still wouldn't belong. She wasn't wanted there. She wasn't wanted here. She wasn't wanted.

She'd heard the words before. Even heard them tonight. Spoken behind her back. Then to her face. Men on her staff who had their own ideas on how she advanced as far as she had. Men who wondered just who she was sleeping with to get the job as CMO. Men who thought the job should have been theirs.

She expected it from them.

She had never expected it from him.

It cut. Deeply.

And then…

Three words. I was wrong. Three words she'd waited her life to hear – from men she'd thought greater. Men she'd believed to carry more weight. Three words she now carried around and used like a shield whenever someone tried to tell her she didn't belong. I was wrong.

His belief made her stronger.

And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

She could never tell him.

She should tell him.

Life here was too short. Too precious. He deserved to know. Deserved to see how much she cared about him. He'd been through so much. Lost so much. She wanted him to know the power that could be carried in three words. Wanted thank him.

But she couldn't.

How do you tell someone words said in passing, words they'd never remember saying, carried so much weight? How do you say thank you for being one of the only people to talk to you… not at you? How do you tell someone what you really feel when all you can do is stare… and stutter… the minute you open your mouth? Wanting to say everything but being too much of a coward to let it out?

You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history

A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name

He deserved someone stronger. A warrior. Someone who could fight by his side and protect him. Someone strong and courageous. Someone he could share tales of battle with. Someone like Teyla.

She could never be what he needed.

What he deserved.

Yet there were days she couldn't stop herself from wishing. Wishing it was her baby he held so protectively against his chest. Wishing it was her child that made him smile with it's sounds and motions. Wishing it was her face he smiled into as he returned the babe to his mother.

For a brief moment, inside that wish, inside that dream, she was happier than she'd ever thought possible. Then it would break and she'd be left feeling more confused, more alone, than she had before she'd lost herself.

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same

If it's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name

Chairs scraping. Parting laughter. Fading footsteps then silence.

Fighting away a shiver, she tightened her arms around her torso and stepped out of the shadows. The soles of her bare feet were starting to feel the sting of the cold and she lifted first one, then the other, to rub them against the flannel hem of her pajama bottoms.

A whisper blew across the bare skin of her lower back and she smiled to herself. He was standing beside her, and she hadn't even heard him move.

"One of these days…" She laughed at herself for jumping. And for once again letting him sneak up on her.

He smiled.

And she lost all coherent thought.

She wasn't sure how long she stared but his direct gaze brought the familiar flush to her cheeks and she looked away. But only for a moment before she risked looking back. She could literally feel the heat radiating off his body against her bare arm as she used the balcony railing for support.

"You okay?" He asked, tilting his head to look more directly into her eyes.

She loved the way his eyes changed color. Deep emerald green. Passion. Swirls of hazel. Emotion. She wished it were lighter so she could see what color they were right now.

"Doc?" He placed his hand over hers, covering it completely.

She blinked, and shook her head. "Sorry." She stared down at his hand. "I'm just…" your hand is so warm "I'm just… tired I guess."

"The surgery went well?"

She nodded. It had taken hours to remove all the shrapnel from Lieutenant Miller's backside. He was still critical, but hopes were high.

"We did all we could." She said softly. "It's up to him now."

She flipped his hand over, placing her palm against his and smiling at the difference in size – the length of his fingers against hers. The darker tone of his skin against her pale complexion. She smiled at his raised eyebrow and released his hand.

"How about you?" She looked up into his face, not surprised when he looked away.

"What about me?"

"How are you doing?" She knew they'd come close to losing men today. Very close. She didn't know all the details, but what she did manage to learn before Lieutenant Miller was rushed into surgery was they'd stumbled into an ambush set by wraith worshippers and had barely made it back in one piece.

Ronon hadn't come to the infirmary.

So she'd worried. Because sometimes he liked to hide his injuries if there was someone he felt more deserving of the medical attention.

"Well?" She prompted.

He shrugged.

"That's not much of an answer." She leaned further out over the railing, standing on her toes to angle herself so she could see his face. He immediately stepped back and pulled her away from the edge.

He dropped his arms and lowered himself onto a bench a few feet away.

Sitting down beside him, she pulled her knees up to her chest. The bench was small enough to begin with – adding his size, she had little room to move where she wasn't touching some part of his body. She tucked herself tighter, but resisted the urge to move away. If anything she leaned closer.

"You've been out here for a while." She said softly.

"So have you." He answered with a knowing look.

She shrugged.

"Not much of an answer." He said, raising an eyebrow.

She made a face as he repeated her words. They sat in silence for a few moments, her mind wandering through a dozen questions. Topics of conversation. Things to say. Things to ask. Things to keep him here. She opened her mouth several times, then had to close it because nothing sounded right.

Finally she turned to face him. "You didn't want to join them?" She wondered why he hadn't left with the others – with his friends. They'd asked him too, but he'd declined. She was curious.

"No." He turned towards her. "I was waiting for you."

"Oh. I… Really?" He what? Not that she wasn't elated. Okay shocked. All right, elated and shocked. But… "Why? Is something wrong?"

With a hand on his upper arm her eyes immediately scanned his body for any indication of injury.

He smiled and shook his head. "I'm fine. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Make sure I was… Me? Really? Why…" would you want to? "Who…" said I needed checking up on? "Did Dr. Matterson say something?" The jerk sure said enough to me today…

"Dr. Matterson?" He frowned.

She shook her head, pushed away the embarrassment and swirled back to the main point of the conversation. "So… why are you checking up on me?"

"I shouldn't?"

"No. I mean. Yes. I…" I like it. "You just… surprised me."

"Why would it surprise you?"

"Because…" Besides my Dad, no one has ever offered to check up on me. "It's my job to check up on people. Not the other way around."

"I know." He said quietly.

"You know?" Know what? "I don't understand."

"If you check up on everyone else… who checks up on you?" He turned to face her, his voice whispering goosebumps across her skin.

"I…" want to cry but... "Why would…" you want to check up on me? "Why would you…" take the time…

"I meant what I said the other day."

"The other day?"

You'll know where to find me.

"Oh. Oh!" Her face flushed and she released her legs, standing up quickly and baking away. "Oh. No. That's not…" why I came. "I just wanted…" to see you. "I wanted to make sure you were okay."

Ronon rose slowly and matched her step for step until she stopped abruptly, her back against the railing. He placed his hands next to hers and leaned closer, trapping her.

She stared straight ahead, her eyes locked on the bare patch of skin at the opening of his shirt.

She inhaled sharply. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply…" that I wanted something… "I…" can't think. "I wasn't looking for you…" for that reason… "Well, okay I was looking for you, but I wasn't going to ask…"

"Doc?"

She snapped her mouth closed but her brain kept adding in more sentences.

Yes, sure, I could use a hug. I mean I really, really could use a hug. It's been a shitty day, but my day is nothing compared to yours and I feel so stupid thinking that just because Mr. rude and obnoxious Matterson says I slept my way to the top makes my day worse than yours when you guys could have died out there… I mean really died, and I was worried when you didn't come see me, because you always come see me, so I just wanted to make sure you were okay, and I knew you'd be here…

"Doc?"

You said that out loud.

"Please tell me I didn't just say that out loud?" She mumbled into the front of his shirt, tightening her grip around his waist as the reality of her position finally sank in.

"You didn't just say that out loud?" She felt his chest rumble slightly with the withheld laughter.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, her head rubbing against the underside of his chin.

"It's okay." He pulled her closer and she relaxed against him. Feeling his strength, his life, his warmth.

"No," She whispered. "It's not. I came here for you. Not for me."

"I know."

"Then why?" are you still here?

"Are you okay?" He asked softly, his breath a whisper against the side of her forehead.

She nodded.

"Then I'm okay."

She smiled against his shirt and snuggled deeper.

"Doc?" He said after a few moments.

"Hmm?"

"Who's Dr. Matterson?"