One more chapter. Then its over.
XX
The messenger was back at sunset, just as promised.
"Well, have you made up your minds yet?" he asked lazily, hoping they said no. They didn't disappoint him.
"I won't go. Not for your humiliation. That was your crime, not mine, Zhara." She faced him from the front of the crowd of Jedi, Luke at her side. He giggled excitedly.
"I was hoping you'd say that. Say goodbye, Zia Toran." He ran back to his ship, laughing madly. Sighing, Zia turned to Luke.
"Did I just do the right thing?" she asked. "Condemning so many innocents to their deaths?" Luke smiled.
"Hearing you say that proves that you are a Jedi," he said softly. "Of course you did the right thing."
Zia merely looked sad. "I don't know." She said. "I endanger then by been here." She said, thinking of all the Jedi behind them. "Just by being me. Who I am. What I am." Now Luke looked sad.
"You have to stop blaming yourself. Nothing will change if you keep thinking like this." He watched her. Zia smiled slightly.
"But nothing has changed. Don't you get that?" she ran her hand through her hair, scratching it on the spikes on her Zabrak head. She didn't even wince. "Nothing, in a year, has changed. I still fight as hard as I did then. I still lose more often than not. She still whispers in my head." Luke looked at her with pity in his eyes.
"I'm sorry. But don't give up. One day you'll get better, and then you'll be a fine member of our Order." Zia snorted.
"No one will trust me ever again, Luke. I can't live like this. The death penalty seems pretty attractive now, tell you the truth." She almost whispered the last part, and Luke looked alarmed.
"Don't kill yourself, Zia. Nothing will be resolved that way." Zia almost smiled.
"It'd be for the best," she whispered. "I'm dangerous, Luke. I can't be trusted; I don't know when I'll lose control. I don't want to put anyone in danger because they were too close at the wrong time. I'd never forgive myself- if I came back again." Luke sighed.
"We've had this conversation before, Zia. You know how I feel."
"And you know how I feel," Zia said steadily, looking straight at him. "And you don't have to live my life, Luke, I do." Luke nodded reluctantly.
"I know. Please say you'll keep going, Zia. Please." Zia watched him strangely.
"Are you sure this is coming from concern for me?" she asked carefully. "Surely you can't care that much." Luke nodded.
"I do, Zia. You remind me of myself. I do care that much." Zia sighed and gave up.
"Investing a part of your heart in someone like me is stupid." She said before heading back inside to wait for the attack.
XX
No one could blame you for killing him.
No! If I did that I wouldn't come back. I'd kill everyone!
So what? You've done it before.
I don't want to do it again. I hate the person I was- the person I am.
Why do you hate yourself? For having power greater than the others? For wanting to rule?
But I don't. I 'm weaker, and I don't want to rule! I want to be normal again!
Really?
Yes. I do. I don't care how much I lose, I'm going to keep in control if it kills me.
It might.
Then I'll die then.
I though you were better than this.
What do you mean?
I though you were strong, powerful. You disappoint me.
Good. I'm not you anymore.
Yes you are. I'm part of you. I always will be. Don't try to deny it, Zia. I'm here, in your head. You just have to let me go…
I don't want to let you go. Go away.
"Toran?" a voice asked from behind her, puzzled and concerned. "You alright Toran?" Zia turned around, startled. She was kneeling in a corner, head in her hands, jerking around slightly. She must look a little stupid.
"I'm taking you to Master Skywalker," the Jedi said when she didn't reply. She didn't argue when his hands lifted her up under the armpits and hauled her along to Luke's quarters. She knew she would have to talk to Luke about it anyway.
You're weak.
I am not weak.
Prove it then. Strike him down.
"Zia? Is she alright?" Luke's worried voice floated through her argument with herself. She shook her head, mumbling incoherently.
"Get her in my quarters." Luke said, helping the Jedi drag her in and plop her on the couch. Then the Jedi left. Zia stared at the ceiling, mumbling.
"Zia, what's wrong?" Luke slapped her on the cheeks gently. She shook herself out of it.
"She's there, Luke. She whispers to me. Tries to convince me to do the wrong thing. To go back to how I was." She looked on the verge of crying or rampaging. Luke sighed and put a hand on her shoulders, looking into her eyes.
"Zia listen to me. You are a good person…" Zia cut him off.
"Am I? Am I really. Then why am I plagued with nightmares all the time? I'm not a good person Luke. We both know that." Luke didn't answer, and Zia kept going. "I hurt people Luke. I don't know if I can control myself. It's getting harder." Luke sighed.
He wanted her to stay alive that is for sure. But was if from selfish motives? He frowned. He would have to think about that, from Zia's point of view.
"Luke…" Zia began. Luke looked at her.
"Yes, Zia?" he asked. She swallowed.
"Is it normal to hear voices? I mean your Sith voice whispering to you." Luke paused.
"I suppose you'll always hear her," he said quietly. "You've been through too much to not hear her." Zia looked relieved.
"Thank you. I'm going to watch… the attack should happen soon." She stood and left without another word, and Luke gazed after her. Her life was hard. He wondered again how many of his pleas to stay alive were for her, and how many for him.
XX
Please R&R!