So sorry this has taken so long to get out! *apologises* but what with Egypt and back to school looming...anyways...(and that is just testament as to how long ago I started this chapter!) and you know when I said two weeks? I suppose 4 months would be more accurate *winces* I didn't mean to! Honest!

Kerry and Gabrielle's faces when James arrived were gold and Kyle seriously wished he'd had the foresight to bring a camera. Maybe if he ran upstairs really quickly...nah, it wouldn't work, there's no way that classic look would still be on their faces once he got back downstairs. Rather unfortunate that fact was but still at least he'd seen it and would have the memory forever in his brain

"Are we going or are you going to carry on doing a remarkable impression of a fish?" Kyle quipped staring at the girls.

"Here," James chucked something at him which Kyle caught and immediately proclaimed James a God for getting the picture he so desperately wanted. "Can we go now, or did you drag me out here just to get that?"

"Actually this was just a bonus, I didn't even think you'd come."

James swatted him, "Oh thanks oh great believer in me! Nice to know I'm appreciated."

"James, your head is big enough as it is, you don't need me to tell you how great you are – you're doing that fine on your own."

James fell silent and turned his eyes away trying to think of another subject. They were way too bright and happy about everything, it hadn't been that long since the event, how could they do it? It just seemed wrong and he'd done it himself how could he have betrayed her like that? He shook himself and plastered a smile on his face, unconsciously rubbing against some of the cuts on his chest as they started to burn. He shrugged the feeling off and followed the other three as they made their way out of the door. He hadn't really thought this plan through if he wasn't, not that he'd had time but still, he could have done with a bit more time to get ready.

....

The bowling alley was crowded as always, people moved aside as they spotted James, shooting him both curious and pitying looks as he followed his friends to the only free lane available. For his part James merely kept his eyes on Kyle's back and avoided their gaze as much as possible letting them think what they wanted about him and why he was at half their height. He'd had enough with it back on Campus, there was no way he was explaining it to a bunch of strangers he'd never see again.

The noise was hurting his head and he could have sworn the room was spinning by the time they'd gotten everything set up. He wasn't entirely certain how exactly Kyle had planned for him to join in, one arm still in a cast and a still healing bullet wound in his leg, unfortunately seconds later his question was answered...in the form of the kiddie ramp. He scowled at the offensive thing, and then at the grinning Kyle. The other teen shrugged innocently before going to grab drinks for them all, and apparently nachos. This being yet another part of his plan to force James to eat something, even if it was bowling alley crap that on a normal day none of the CHERUBs would touch unless they didn't have any other option.

By the time they were halfway through James was wishing for his bed, a blade and the bolt on his bedroom door. Quiet would be good too, and maybe those bottles of lager hidden under his bed – no wait, he'd finished all those last night, well he'd finished two...at least...

"Earth to James, Earth calling James, James!"

James glanced at the voice calling him and then realised it was his go. Unsurprisingly he was losing, Kyle not actually rubbing it in for once which made a pleasant change but he was barely noticing. He seemed to be going through the whole thing in a daze, almost mechanically. He'd shoved a few nachos down his throat, taken a dutiful few sips of his drink, shoved the ball off of the kiddie ramp when he had to, but he hadn't felt any of it. He was numb and the desire for a blade was growing stronger. He pushed it aside and sent the ball down the ramp not really caring about his score and barely noticing the girls' cheers when he got a strike. God he just wanted to be back on campus.

.........

He leant back gasping, the blade in his hand forgotten as he rose into the ecstasy that came with the cuts he was making. All too soon the familiar feelings of disgust and shame thrust themselves upon him and he sliced again to get rid of them. It was rather like a drug he mused, he needed it to just feel normal, to feel alive. He glanced at his clock and realised he'd have to sleep. It was half past 4, and he had to be up at 8 so he could eat, bloody interfering bugger, why couldn't he just leave well enough alone?

Fresh wounds stinging and older ones irritated and red due to his constant rubbing of them in order to simply feel James slipped into a fitful slumber, flashes of past events preventing him from sleeping properly as they had been doing for weeks, giving him no rest from the memories of his sister's death and his torture in Ukraine.

***

His nose was on fire as Mr Red-and-Black-Laces drove his heel into it. His chest was burning with the strain of broken ribs and metal boots were slamming into him constantly. He winced as he heard a crack and one of his fingers started burning. Please Ewart, come and get me, please.

...........

He was tied up. He felt like an animal. His body felt like it was on fire, he couldn't pinpoint where exactly the pain was coming from.

"Is the little boy scared? Has he got a paper cut? Do you need me to go get mommy?"

James growled and spat at Michal. The older boy merely laughed and kicked him again for good measure. James barely held back a scream as the foot connected with his chest and the broken and bruised ribs located in that area. This had to be hell. Scratch that, Hell would be better than this right about now.

.............

Samantha was stood over him grinning, he couldn't muster up the energy to scowl back but then she disappeared from his line of view and suddenly there were boots slamming into his chest and faces leering over him, taunting him, calling him a baby. Pain flooded through him and then it stopped he was in the bliss they called unconsciousness. He was dimly aware of someone new entering, then he slipped back.

.................

The days were blurring into one, he only knew Michal wasn't there anymore, but there was more pain, so much more pain. He couldn't hear, he couldn't speak. There was so much pain. He could barely feel his leg, it was so hard. He wanted to die, so badly, he was begging 'Please God, let me die. Please.', there was a burning pain now coming from his arm. It had broken. It hurt so much. He just wanted to sleep.

...............

People were screaming, shouting, guns were firing and he was stuck in the middle. The wound in his thigh was flaring up and he couldn't move. There was a bang and everything seemed to slow down. He twisted round and saw his sister go down, Bethany pulling the trigger. He screamed.

***

He sat up gasping and reached for the razor he'd left on the side. 4 slices appeared across his chest before he started to feel like normal. Another 3 and he's calmed down. A final one across his heart for his sister.

"I'm gonna join you as soon as I can Lauren, I promise. I'm sorry it's taking me so long but I just...I'm sorry Lauren."

Another red line appeared on his skin, the blood slowing beading out, it was a pretty pattern, but it was bare, it needed more. The blade cut through his skin repeatedly, its sharp edge treating his skin as if it were no harder than butter. He breathed a sigh of relief as everything left him and added another bandage to his chest to cover up the latest batch of cuts. No one could ever know.

...................

Two teenage girls sat fuming in cells. One in Scotland and one in the south of England. As far away from each other as possible, they couldn't be allowed to be near each other again, there could never be a repeat of the disaster. There had been too much destruction. The trial had been private and hidden away, no newspaper ever caught wind that it was going on, nearly 200 teens had received some form of sentence, but those two, those two were the ones vowing to escape and get revenge. And with their CHERUB training, there were a few people who thought they might manage it.

To answer any questions you maybe possibly might have James is way messed up but he's not letting anyone see it. All his emotions are as real as I can get them according to what I've been through so it's not implausible that he'd be like this. Anyways – PLEASE REVIEW! And please note I pulled about 200 words out of nowhere to make this a decent length for you so please do me that one favour and feed my insane muse with reviews!

Ldf x