Title: Caught Up in the Past (2/?)
Author: Hidden Willow
Email: willow4614@hotmail.com
Reminder: Post-Dad

// // indicates flashbacks

Part Two
***************

This morning the worst thing she had to deal with was Fred's antics. She hated when Angel kept things from her. She had been watching him over the top of the magazine she was pretending to read for what seemed like forever. She hadn't seen him act even remotely unusual the whole time. This just further pissed her off. She forgoed the cover of reading the magazine as she tossed it aside, choosing to burn a hole through his back instead. Did he plan to tell her at all, she wondered. She decided she was going to give him a chance to tell her himself. That is if the dense vampire would get a clue.

Turn around dammit, Cordelia willed. For a vampire his senses were sure out of whack. If looks could kill... Getting out of her chair, she huffed. He wasn't going to start talking any time soon. She would just have to pry it out of him. At least he's consistent, she thought bitterly.

"Buffy called," she stated casually.

"What?" Angel turned around.

Cordelia gauged his reaction closely. "Small blonde with no sense of fashion, but she packs a punch."

"Yeah I got that," he said pushing aside her snarky comment. "When? Did she say why she called?"

"You called her first. She was trying to find out why. Seemed a little on edge by the way."

"How did she know I called?" he asked more to himself than to her.

"Hello. Caller ID." The last ray of hope vanished. It wasn't all a misunderstanding. He had called her and hung up like a schoolboy in love. He hadn't done that since his first months in L.A. How had things reverted back to that?

"Oh."

"Oh?" she repeated, her voice laced with disbelief and anger.

"I forgot about that. I- uh- called. I didn't think she'd be home. And she wasn't," he said nervously under her scrutiny.

She crossed her arms, feeling her armor go up. "Refreshing your stalker skills?"

"Huh? No," he said caught offguard once more. Why did this feel like an interrogation? And he would know. He'd been on both sides in his time.

"So why did you call her?" Angel suddenly found the couch more interesting as he looked over to it. He walked over picking up a toy of Connor's. He fumbled with the small toy, rolling it under his hands, most likely to avoid the conversation.

She watched his sudden interest with the toy and the lightbulb in her head went on. How could she have forgotten? Nothing like fear to blind a person. "Connor," her voice softened at the name, "You were going to tell her, weren't you?"

"I was planning to eventually."

"Why haven't you yet?"

Angel sat down, putting the toy to the side. He found himself overcome by all the confusion he was feeling. Placing his fingers to his temples, he struggled to explain to her what was so hard. "It's just- there are all these new pieces of me that she doesn't know about and probably wouldn't be able to understand. I don't, even. They confuse the hell out of me." He looked up at her, searching her face for understanding. No, she hadn't noticed he had said pieces. Plural.

"That's normal," she tried to assure him. She had to be supportive, even if she was screaming inside. Buffy was like a black hole.

"I know. I just- she should know, but at the same time I know to her they'd be shameful or wrong and I'm not going to let her taint what I have. Not right now," he shook his head, his voice determined and almost desperate.

His words made her heart ache. Connor was everything to him. It was a happiness he had never known and the very idea of losing it in any small way scared him. If Buffy couldn't accept Connor it would crush him. That was why he hadn't told her, why he hadn't been sharing Connor with Buffy. Fred had been wrong, she thought. So wrong.

She kneeled down in front of him, holding his hands. "Eventually she'd accept these new pieces. It's really made you think hasn't it? About your future with Buffy?" Her stomach twisted into knots with the thought. She gave a quick squeeze to his hands that he took as a sign of support, but she wasn't aware she had done it at all. She was bracing herself for his answer.

"No. It hasn't, actually." The implications of that were not lost on him.

"You can be honest, Angel." She looked up at him, gave her best supportive smile, and a reassuring nod for him to continue. If nothing else she wanted to be the one Angel could confide in.

The implications were lost on her it seemed. "I am being honest," he insisted.

She didn't understand why he was not cooperating. She was being all ears. She was being support-o-gal. But nothing. The thought burned in her mind. Not only was she not Buffy, but evidently she wasn't even fit to discuss Buffy with him. "No, you're not," she replied irritably. Trying again, she asked, "What are you hoping to happen with you and Buffy now?

"Nothing," he asserted. Funny how lying would probably get him out of the hole he was digging for himself. He wasn't sure what she wanted out of him. Did she want him to declare his undying love for Buffy? Because that always seemed to piss her off back in the day. Why did she have to be so complicated?

Cordelia sharply stood up, her eyes burning. "God. Forget I even mentioned anything. I forgot that you and Buffy were a sacred topic. Some things never change."

He stood up to face her. "Cordy-" he started.

"I said nevermind," she told him, her voice flat.

************

Connor had been crying for the last ten minutes. It didn't help that his son could feel how upset his father was. Angel switched the position he held him in and paced back and forth in the lobby. It usually helped Connor calm down. Thankfully, Gunn, Fred, and Cordy were busy following up a lead. He didn't think he could survive the angry, hurt looks etched on her face.

"What's wrong?" Wesley, looking up from his book, asked more intent on stopping Angel from pacing than finding out what was wrong.

"I am very confused."

"Connor or Cordelia?" The two confusing C's.

"Cordy. She bit my head off today."

"Vision?" Wesley guessed as he looked back to his book.

"No." Angel turned around to start walking in the other direction.

Realizing how distraught Angel was, Wesley closed the book. He'd never finish researching for tonight. There was a reason he had sent the rest of them out on a lead. Next time, Angel was being sent out with them. Of course, there was the problem of the sun. Turning his thoughts back to Angel, he guessed, "Being overprotective of Connor again?"

"No."

"Being overprotective of her? Did you scare off one of her dates again?" he asked curiously. Those stories were always amusing.

"No," he said defensively. Is that why she hadn't brought anyone over in quite some time, he wondered.

Wesley regarded Angel for a moment. "Then?"

He stopped pacing and looked at him. "Buffy called."

"Ah." Everything was instantly clear to him.

"Ah? What do you mean 'ah'?"

"Well, Cordelia doesn't like reminders of Sunnydale much." Not like Wesley could blame her for that. They had been misunderstood, ignored, unappreciated, and looked down on. And there was a Hellmouth. Sunnydale didn't have a lot to offer.

"It's not like she hates Buffy."

"No, not her per se."

"Am I missing something?"

"Always," Wesley mumbled. Changing the subject, he asked, "Why did Buffy call? Trouble?"

"I called her. She missed my call so she was calling me back."

"Did you tell her about Connor? How did she take it?" The concern for his friend clear in his eyes. Buffy had the ability to destroy him, but Angel had the same power to destroy her. Or at least that's how it worked once upon a time.

Angel looked down at his son who had stopped crying when his name had been spoken. Almost as if on cue. He put his pinky out and found it quickly surrounded by Connor's tiny hand. "I didn't tell her. I haven't talked to her yet. Cordelia got the call. She started asking me why I called Buffy. I didn't really know and from there it went downhill."

"I can imagine."

"What are you talking about?"

"Perhaps this is something you should talk to Cordelia about."

Angel walked over to him. "'Perhaps' you'll save me the trouble. What's going on? How come you know and I don't?"

"You don't know all of Cordelia."

The words brought back memories for Angel.

//"Knowing her..."
"But you don't. You don't know her at all. For months now you haven't cared to."//

Waves of guilt and shame washed over him. He swallowed it down and sat down next to Wesley, defeated. "So what is going on?"

"I think Buffy is more of a sore spot for Cordelia than you realize."

"Why would she be?"

"There was a time you'd give up everything to be with Buffy. It's possible you still would," he enlightened him.

"I don't understand."

"Talk to Cordelia," Wesley said as he put a reassuring hand on Angel's shoulder before he went back to researching.

**********

"We need to talk," Angel said, trying to avoid the attention of the others in the hotel.

"Now? I'm eating my Sweet and Sour chicken." Cordelia stabbed a piece with her fork, albeit a little violently, to bring the point home.

"Yes, now. No time like the present."

"Says he who broods about the past. You can't give me a few minutes to finish?"

"You've been 'eating' for the past 40 minutes."

"I want to savor every bite," she said bringing the forkful of chicken to her mouth and delicately biting off a piece. She chewed slowly and licked her lips sensuously.

She had done it to annoy him, another melodramatic show of hers to make the meal last as long as possible, but all it did was excite him. He scolded himself for the kind of thoughts he was having about her and pushed down his demon who was struggling to get to the surface after her display.

"Now, Cordelia," he said forcefully, grabbing her arm and moving them into Wesley's office. A damn hotel, and no place to talk alone.

"Pushy much?" she exclaimed as she tore herself from his grasp.

He closed the door and turned around to face her. "Why are you mad at me?"

"I'm not mad. I should have known better."

"Known better?" he asked.

"Known better than to think my best friend could confide in me for 5 seconds, even if it involved the illustrious Buffy," she said fiercely.

"There was nothing to say."

"There's always something to say. Plenty of material to brood about, plenty to talk about."

"This may surprise you, but my life does not revolve around Buffy," he said trying to keep himself composed.

"Geez. I know that!" she cried out from frustration. "But do you?" Her voice now only a solemn, desperate whisper. She needed to know that he knew it, too. That what her life was, her everything, was not just a transient moment for the vampire.

"Yes," he said earnestly.

She thought that was what she wanted to hear, what she needed to hear, but it felt empty. What did words mean anyway? "This week you do. But you have this knack of returning to the past."

"That's what this is about isn't it? About me going back to Buffy?"

"No. Maybe," she said unsure. "No! It's not about Buffy. It's about you. You and you're ability to block us out and push us away whenever the past comes knocking on the door. Or to leave us the second something better comes up."

"That's not true."

"You're right. You'd give us up for something worse. You have before."

A look of pain crossed his face. "I thought we moved on from that."

"Of course we did, but that doesn't mean I forgot," she said in a subdued voice, hoping that would obscure the emotions she was feeling. She couldn't, however, stop the tiny tremor that went through her body.

//"She said, uh - she said we're not friends."
"I know. - There is only one thing you can give her, Angel. And that's time. Cordelia has a lot of pain to work through."//

A realization dawned on him. "You never got over it did you?"

Her eyes shot to his. "I'm sorry. How childish of me to not completely get over my best friend going psycho on me so he could go obsess about his newly undead ex-girlfriend," she said sarcastically.

The venom in her voice surprised him. "I didn't mean- It's not that I think you should have I just always thought you did for the most part."

"Of course you did."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Angel asked as he stepped closer to her.

She stepped back and shook her head. "Right. Was that before or after you gave me a whole week to get over it before you started throwing clothes at me to make it all better?"

"I just- I was just trying to make it up to you. I didn't know how. Things weren't ok?"

She looked up at his face. The face that could break her heart. The face that right now was in pain because he had caused her pain. "No," she said softly.

"You should have said something. Why didn't you say something?" And why should this surprise him, he thought. She did this all the time. She kept things from him to protect him, to make things easier on him. Why he worth it he didn't know.

"When? It's not like you ever brought it up. We never talked about it. What did you think? That things would magically get better? How could I tell you that you had hurt me more than anyone else ever has? That I feared you giving up on me just as much as I feared the day Angelus might return?"

"I knew nothing I said would change what I had done. I only hoped to prove to you that I was sorry."

"And you did. Maybe talking about it wouldn't have proven anything, but it was something I needed."

"Then why didn't you say something?"

"C'mon, Angel. A year ago that conversation would have had you running towards the nearest exit. Sure, you're working for redemption, but sometimes you just suck at dealing with the hard stuff. You're a skittish kitten when it comes to emotions. I wasn't going to risk losing you when you finally came back."

He reached out for her wrist and pulled her closer. His eyes boring into hers, determined to make her see, he said, "I am not going anywhere, do you understand? Not for Buffy, not for anything. I didn't leave for good when Buffy died or when she came back. I didn't leave your side when you got sucked into Pylea. I didn't leave when Connor was born. I'm not leaving this time. You told me you'd be with me until I shanshued. I plan on being there for you, too."

There was nothing she could do, but believe him when he looked into her eyes like that. Almost as if... "Then what?" she breathed.

"I don't know. Plaid shirts and the beach?" he grinned.

She softly smiled at that. "So you're sticking around for sure. No running away or giving up?"

"No running away or giving up."

"Good. And you're going to start letting me in? Well, you do, but I mean in those shady parts that so far are still marked 'No entry'."

"I'll try. You know I'm not so good with talking about how I feel, but if there was ever anyone I could talk to it'd be you. It's because of you that I've changed." Angel paused, not for an unneeded breath, but to scrounge up the courage to say the closest thing to the truth that was safe to say. "You've made me feel things that I never have before."

"Same here. I've never felt as accepted as I do by you." She noticed the flickering of light in his eyes as she spoke. She looked down at her wrist as he let go of her.

"Yeah." Angel looked down disappointed. "I'm sorry that I ever let you forget or doubt how I feel. I do care. And I promise to talk things through even if I'd rather be drilling a hole in my head."

"Gee thanks. Okay. Enough of this. I don't want to become a Drama Queen," she said as she opened the door.

"Become?" he teased.


***********


A night out. Well, not so much a night out since it was re-con for tomorrow night, but Fred was still quite enthusiastic and optimistic as to what this night would bring. She hadn't been to a carnival in ages or close to never. Not only that, but this could be the night that changed things for Cordelia and Angel. She could just imagine them getting stuck in the Ferris wheel or fighting a demon off together and winding up in each others arms. The scenarios danced in her head, but Cordelia's abrupt shouting burst her bubbling thoughts.

"Angel! Stop harassing Lorne. I'm sure Connor is doing just fine."

"I wasn't calling Lorne," he denied tucking away his cell phone into his pocket.

"Oh yeah?"

"I was checking my voice mail."

"You don't know how to check your voice mail," Cordelia replied.

Gunn ignored the two behind him. "So where are we headed first?" Gunn clapped his hands together in anticipation.

"I guess it would be best to walk around until Cordelia sees something she remembers from her vision," Wesley suggested.

"Nah, I meant which ride first. Man this place is packed."

"Especially considering the season," Cordelia said.

Noticing Angel had returned his attention to his cell phone, she leaned over to subtly smell him.

"Did you just sniff me?" Angel asked, eyeing Cordelia oddly as she straightened up, not missing a step as she walked beside him. "I smelled baby powder. I was wondering where it was coming from."

"I do not smell like baby powder," Angel protested.

"Don't worry. This in no way reflects badly on your manliness."

"If you're feeling a little insecure you can always prove it by winning a stuffed animal. That's why they're here," Gunn suggested, referring to the nearest game stand.

"Oh, that looks like fun," Fred said, stopping at the game stand.

"Hey guys we're here on business," Angel reminded them.

"We have the whole night. Live a little." Cordelia said. She turned her head around taking in the surroundings. She watched the disgustingly happy couples laughing together, the glowing lights of the stands and rides, heard the blaring noises of the people and the music blasting in the background. This was what life was. And this was her one night out in it. Another sign she had to get back out there. Back to the night life. The other kind of night life that didn't involve demon guts.

A burst of cool air hit her and she inwardly shivered. Damn this January weather, she thought. L.A. wasn't supposed to go below 70 degrees, at least not in her book. Turning her face back to the others a gleam of light caught her eye. It was coming from the House of Mirrors a few feet ahead.

"That looks familiar," Cordelia said to Angel as she began walking towards it.

"Your vision?"

"Yeah. Should we go in?" Noticing Angel's hesitation as he looked to the others beginning to play at the gamestand, she added, "You can win a stuffed animal for Connor later."

The two entered the house of mirrors and found themselves walking down a hall before they were assaulted by dozens and dozens of mirrors. Cordelia's reflection bounced around the room, stretched, spiraling, and shortened.

"Okay, this was a bad idea. We may never find our way out. You know this morning I was so sure there was more than one demon, despite what I thought at first."

"Yeah."

"But maybe it was just one demon, and it was here." She turned to face him, but was meet with empty air. "Angel?" she called out. Where had he gone to, she wondered looking around for him. She walked further down the maze of mirrors, bumping quite a few times into glass walls. "Angel?" She called out, colliding right into him.

She screamed out, "Dammit, Angel! Like I don't have enough stress. Give me your hand. And here I thought you didn't need a bell around your collar anymore."

"What?" She reached for his hand and held him in a firm, but soft grip. A little fazed by the sudden contact, he found himself lagging behind as she walked forward.

"This would be the worst place ever to run into with a vampire behind you." She turned to give him one of her 100-watt smiles at the irony. Here she was with a vampire at a House of Mirrors and she was perfectly fine. In fact, she could probably convince him to stake himself. And at the moment, it seemed like anything but the worst place to be.

Angel shook his head. He didn't know how he was supposed to survive much longer without reaching out and touching her. Well, looking down at their entwined fingers, he was actually touching her now. But that's not what he meant. Just something small like this and he was getting lost in the feel of her heat. The feel of her skin.

He could almost pretend they were together, but was interrupted at her yell of frustration when she reached a dead end. She didn't look too happy. Or patient for that matter. He supposed it was wrong of him to not just tell her the way out, but he didn't feel like shortening the moment. He knew, except for unusual moments like these, he would never be able to reach out and touch her. The problem was that in times like these he almost forget it was impossible.

"Okay that accomplished nothing," she noted as she found their way out of the maze. She disengaged from him and walked over to the rest of the gang with Angel slowly following. "Hey. No stuffed animal?"

"Five games each and we couldn't hit more than two bottles," Gunn answered.

"So much for proving male prowess by brute physical strength," Cordelia remarked. After all that's what they seemed to be doing. Hey, I won a stuffed animal. Now you have to pick me, Fred. Actually it wasn't that bad. It was kinda sweet. She just wasn't sure if Fred was ready for their pissing contest.

Angel's eyes instantly brightened. "Let me give it try," he said casually as he handed over some money and received a ball in exchange. He effortlessly threw the ball and down came all the bottles. He grinned at the guys, "Hmmm. No problem there."

"Check out the alpha male," Cordelia said. Guys. All the same, whether alive or undead.

"What stuffed animal here would you like?" the game stand keeper asked.

"Um. What do you think, Cordy?" Angel asked, unsure of the right gift for Connor.

"That one. Definitely," pointing to a cute, stuffed lamb on the right hand corner of the shelf. She quickly found it in her hands. "Still not man enough to hold a stuffed lamb I see."

They walked off together, Fred watching them as Cordelia took the stuffed lamb and put it in Angel's face, pretending it was talking to him. Angel looked at her strangely, before he responded to whatever the lamb had said. It wasn't long before she had him laughing.

Fred sighed, "They are perfect together."

"Not going to happen, Fred," Gunn said.

Fred looked at Wesley for support, but he remained strangely quiet as he watched Angel and Cordelia together.

"Why not?" Fred asked, turning back to Gunn.

"Angel's too chicken to tell her."

************

Twenty minutes later, Cordelia was watching Fred, Gunn, and oddly enough Wesley riding the bumper cars. It didn't take a rocket scientist, or someone who actually knew something about human behavior, to see the faint hostility between Gunn and Wesley. At least Fred seemed to be having fun. She was completely oblivious to the kind of tension she was causing. God, it felt like a scene out of My Girl, Cordelia thought.

"Fred makes me feel so old. Just look at her out there having the time of her life," she said as she watched the pure glee in Fred's eyes. Wesley looked less comfortable, but he was pretty good out there. Gunn always looked comfortable, but out there he had extra boyish charm.

"You're not old," Angel assured her.

"Oh please. Just look at us, the old-timers, sitting it out on a bench."

"Hey, this qualifies as a ride," he said patting the bench, regarding it as though it was an old friend. "Nothing wrong with sitting down and resting."

"I really am old," she bemoaned.

"You're not old. You just had a vision last night of course you don't want to get on a bumper car. Hey, how about us old timers go over to the boardwalk. Enjoy the view," he suggested.

"What about the re-con?"

"Rest of the night remember?"

"Right." They stood up and walked over to the bumper cars. "Hey! We're heading to the boardwalk. Be right back," Cordelia yelled.

Angel held out his arm for her to hold onto. They walked to the boardwalk in silence, not wanting to disrupt the peace they rarely had.

"It's beautiful. And quiet. Dancing lights and music." What had Angel said only a day ago? Plaid shirts and the beach. And here they were right now. To think that one day she might be with him in this same spot, but in the light of day. And Connor would be splashing around and making sand castles. The thought placed a gentle smile on her face.

He watched her lost in her own thoughts. Another breeze passed through blowing strands of her hair against her face. He looked at her, tracing every curve on that face with his eyes, making sure to pound her features into his memory. She looked beautiful. She was beautiful. And- looking at him right now like he had said everything out loud.

She tilted her head and looked at him curiously. Her question died on her lips as she looked into his eyes, that were dark with desire, want, and other bad, bad nouns. The only thought in her head whispered 'danger Will Robinson.' Her lips parted involuntarily as she wondered what the hell was happening. She could feel his gaze on her lips and wondered again for the millionth time what the hell was happening. This couldn't be happening.

"Angel," she said hesitantly, drawing out his name. He felt himself suddenly paralyzed by her voice when he was only inches away from kissing her.

She wasn't sure what she was going to say next and she would never find out as a sudden thought intruded into her mind. Her eyebrows furrowed at the no longer blurry memory. "I think this is where it happened," she said, her voice sounding strangely loud.

And just like that, as quickly as it had sprung up, the heart fluttering moment of anticipation dissolved.

Cordelia hid back a feeling of disappointment she wasn't quite ready to deal with. She continued, "I mean it happened in the midst of the carnival, but this is where the demons were leading the people, I think."

"Huh. Well, uh, why would they be leading them here? It doesn't fit their M.O.," he said trying to recover from the slap of reality.

She walked away from him, looking towards the carnival. "We should head back." Imagination really is a powerful tool, she thought, shaking out a breath.

***********

"I mean they're practically a couple already. She was carrying the stuffed animal he won, they went on a romantic stroll by the beach. I mean it's already happening," Fred said, ignoring Gunn's look of disapproval and Wesley's glum face.

"It's not that simple," Wesley commented.

"And why do we always have to talk about them? It's not like they are the only ones that can have a love life. In fact Angel is the only one of us who can't," Gunn added. How was anything supposed to happen if she was fixated on those two?

"Hey we're back. See anything unusual?" Cordelia asked.

"Well the game stands seem to go against all the laws of probability," Fred offered, as she bit into her caramel apple.

"Go figure," she said eyeing the gooey caramel apple. Maybe it was just the fact that Fred hadn't eaten anything normal in the last 5 years, but Cordelia swore Fred was orally fixated. Everytime she turned around she was snacking on something.

"Actually we did find out something. It seems this carnival is raising money for a charity. And guess who is hosting all this?" Wesley informed them.

"Wolfram and Hart," Angel stated.

"Exactly."

"I thought these demons weren't the kind that play well with others. Why would they be helping them?" Cordelia questioned.

"The demons would get to have their own little playground of mayhem and the firm gets to have the body count they want," Gunn said.

"I knew this was an odd time for a carnival," Fred commented.

"More than that. I think they are holding it at this particular time for a ritual sacrifice that must be performed during this month," Wesley informed them.

"The beach definitely plays a part in all this. I remembered it from my vision. They seemed to be leading the people there."

"So now we know what exactly to research," Fred said shivering slightly from the cold.

"And why The Powers that Be gave us so much time. We can't fight this alone. We need to get some help," Cordelia pointed out. Noticing Fred shiver, Cordelia asked, "Is chivalry dead?"

Looking at each other briefly before looking back to Fred, Wesley and Gunn both scrambled to offer their jacket. Cordelia looked on in amusement. Okay that was wrong, she thought, but it was eventually going to come to a head anyway. She turned her gaze to Angel, wanting to see what he thought of all this, only to find his eyes already on her. Once again he left her with the haunting feeling of uncertainty.


TBC...