My whole body aches…Lying here in my bed isn't helping…Even after hours of surgery I still feel as If I've failed, I feel as if I've failed and I feel powerless against it…Maybe if I close my eyes and try to forgot, just for a second….

I have my eyes open before I realize I've been sleeping. I try to move but my muscles protest and so I lay still and try hard not to move or think about yesterday. I breathe deep with my nose and exhale with my mouth in an attempt to keep myself from thinking, and hope to fall back asleep. I lay in bed hoping that my exhaustion will get the better of me and finally pull me under…there's a smell, in my room. I can't quite place it, sharp and metallic…Sharp and metallic and it almost killed him…He just stood there and slowly crumpled to the ground, as if his body was trying to fold in on itself in an attempt to protect it from any further damage. But the damage was done and we barely got him back on board, he was so heavy. It never ceases to surprise me how fragile the human body is even for men like Jayne who pride themselves in their strength. Yet, that small bullet tore through him like an iron brand.

The plan was a fail from the start. Mal and Zoe were supposed to go in and negotiate a price, that was all, but something went wrong which lead to the tiny piece of metal being lodged into Jayne's body and even after hours of surgery he laid there, like I lay here, motionless.

Things were getting better on Serenity. That prevailing miasma of death that had crept into every corner of the ship was slowly dissipating and we were starting to feel like a family again. Meals were fun and filling in more than just the physical sense, we were talking again and Zoe was there, really there. River is as health as I've ever seen her, and Inara and Mal were happy, Kaylee and I were able to continue our friendship without allowing our sex lives to compromise it, and Jayne was lying on an examination table recovering from surgery from a bullet hole the size of a piece of fruit…

I close my eyes in another attempt to fall into unconsciousness, I begin my rhythmic breathing again and try and clear my mind. I can feel a slow numbness spread through my body and I can feel myself slowly fall into sleep when I smell it again, the metallic smell. I open my eyes and look around but I don't see anything so I close my eyes again but the smell surrounds me and it permeates the air and I can't sleep because of it.

I struggle with my body, and with an effort equal to a feat of Atlas I lift myself off of bed. I struggle to remain up right and after several seconds I start to walk towards the infirmary to check on Jayne. He's just as I left him, motionless with and oxygen mask over his face to assist with his breathing. He's so pale, loss of blood…I had to use synthetic blood since he was bleeding out too quickly and didn't have time to get the blood I usually keep in a cold storage chest. Later, when his vitals stabilize a bit more I'll start a transfusion…

I climb up into the dining area to get something to eat. Sitting at the table Zoe's cutting an apple into slices.

"What are you doing up so late," I ask her looking around for something to eat, not really feeling like talking, but not wanting to seem rude.

"I was waiting…well I can't really sleep right now and well I got hungry Doctor,"

"I'm sorry it's just, everyone else has gone to bed and well…"

I look around the dining area still covered with some of the remains of last day's meal and dig around for something edible. I finally find some left-over's on the stove and decide to just eat them cold. It tastes like a mix between beef stew and dirt with globs of cold grease for texture. I guess Zoe notices the look on my face and begins to chuckle.

"What," I ask wondering how ridiculous I really look.

"Nothing, it's nothing, so Doctor tell me what you're doing up so late,"

"Well, I guess I can't sleep either…"

The silence that follows is more uncomfortable than I'm used to and I decided to fill in the space by shoveling another spoon full of old, greasy stew into my mouth. Now that I'm standing here, I realize that Zoe is one of the crew members I still haven't spent much time with alone. In fact, I realize that the person on Serenity which I continually find myself alone with is Jayne, a scary thought. Not only for the fear that any one of Jayne's personal traits might rub off on me like a virus, but the near sub-conscious thought that I almost lost my closest friend on this ship.

"Are you okay," ask Zoe standing up looking at me a bit warily, "you look a bit…pale Doc', maybe you should sit down."

"No I'm okay, I'm just…tired, but I can't sleep. I guess I'm just worried about him, Jayne, that bullet really tore through him and I'm worried there's something I missed, a piece of shrapnel, a burst blood vessel, a blocked blood vessel, a drop in heart pressure, a rise of blood pressure…there's just so much that can still go wrong and I can't sleep, not yet, not till he's in the clear."

I realize how desperate I sound but all of it is true, so much can still go wrong maybe something already went wrong and I need to be there to help him because standing here, right now, I realize that something has already gone wrong with Jayne. After spending so much time with him I realize he hasn't been acting like himself, he's taciturn, reserved, he's edgier than I've ever seen him and…I hadn't noticed.

"Simon," Zoe, "You won't be any good for Jayne if you're ready to fall over from lack of sleep. Maybe you should try and get a few hours of sleep. I'll go down and sit with Jayne and if anything happens I'll wake you right away."

I'm ready to protest, but anything I might have said dies with the look of concern on Zoe's face. I think that's the most emotion I've seen her express since…So I nod and thank her, I make my way back down to my bunk. I stretch and exhale a harsh breath from my lungs and look at myself in the mirror… I'm covered in blood.