Authors note: Yes! I'm back with ANOTHER short story I'm sure you'll all love. It's a quaint little piece I wrote called "The Trouble With Man- Eating Tribbles!" I'm sure it'll be a classic. ;)

Disclaimer: I'm Arana. She's Majel. She's rich. I aren't. So therefore, Star Trek isn't mine. If it was, then you'd be really sorry because you'd end up with weird crap like the stuff you're about to read.

centerThe Trouble With Man-Eating Tribbles!/center

After visiting Seti-Alpha Women, the IEnterprise/I and her crew (well, at least the men) left completely refreshed, relaxed, and redshirt-free. The only nameless crewmen left onboard were the blue- and gold-shirted crewmen.

Minerva, the leader of the planet Seti-Alpha Women, had decided to stay onboard the IEnterprise,/I with them and was given a job in the life- sciences with Spock as his protégé. After much begging and pleading, she got a shirt and pants rather than the mini-skirt.

Kirk sat in the center seat and sighed contentedly. Minerva and Spock were putting the last pieces of information on Seti-Alpha Women's vegitation, climate, and population into the library computer.

"Ratings and morals are high," Sulu said.

"Set a course for that plot complication over there," Kirk said. Sulu nodded and steered the ship over to it.

"Captain, scanners are picking up a planetoid ahead. It had one ship, a federation freighter, in its orbit," Spock reported.

"Uhura, hail them," Kirk said, leaning forward and striking a thoughtful pose, waiting for the picture no one would ever take. "I smell a great conflict."

"And Iden/I, get THIS, he's awl, 'FYI, you're NOT the best dressed chick in IStar Trek!/I" Uhura paused. "Uh huh, I know! What nerve!"

"Uhura." Kirk said, trying to get her attention.

"Oh, yeah! I know what you mean, gurl!"

"Uhura!"

"Mmm hmm. Yeah, you know, I used to get dat too. I tink, on the whole, Preparation H feels good."

Kirk flicked a confused glance at McCoy, who shrugged.

"Yeah, chocolate ice cream is MY favorite flavor, too!"

"UHURA!!"

Uhura jumped. She put a hand to her chest and glared at Captain Kirk.

"What do you WANT, Jimmy?" Uhura said, doing a weird little head-wiggle. "I'm TRYING to talk to one of my guuuuuurl friends here!"

"Well, Miss Uhura, do you THINK you could hail the freaking freighter? You know, and actually do your JOB?"

Uhura muttered something obscene and turned back to her control panel.

"Yeah, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later." Uhura hung up, then opened a new channel for the Freighter. "IEnterprise/I to Freighter Bob, Bob please come in." She paused. "Nothing sir."

"Let's beam over and check it out," Kirk said. Spock, McCoy, and a Red-"

"Captain, we have no Redshirts," Spock reminded.

"All right," Kirk said, scanning the bridge. "Minerva, you're part of the landing party.

"As you wish."

"Bridge to Sickbay," Kirk said, tuning on a communicator.

"ISickbay, McCoy here./I"

"Meet us in the transporter room. Kirk out."

* * *

After a quick briefing with Doctor McCoy, Kirk, Spock, Minerva, and the good Doctor materialized on the bridge of Bob.

Kirk gasped. There were skeletons all over the bridge. McCoy walked over to one, felt for a pulse, and announced, "He's dead, Jim."

"Thank you for stating the obvious, Doctor McCoy," Minerva said flatly.

"What happened?" Kirk asked.

"I believe we could find the answer in the 'WE'RE GONNA DIE!!' log," Spock said, moving over to a control panel.

"Can we access that log?" Kirk asked.

"Accessing," Spock mumbled. "Onscreen."

The face of the frantic first officer filled the large viewscreen. There was static every few seconds, but Kirk could pick out what the officer was saying. Screams from the other crewmembers could be heard in the background.

".Killed the captain. beamed from planet. The. exhibited violent behavior and. AHHHHHH!"

A large fluffy thing threw itself at the view camera and broke it. Spock and McCoy raised an eyebrow.

"What WAS that?" Kirk asked.

"Perhaps the answers could be revealed by beaming onto the planet," Minerva suggested.

"Good idea, Minerva. To the transporter room!"

Kirk, McCoy, Minerva and Spock materialized on the planet's surface. They were out in the middle of the street in what appeared to be a town from Earth's "Old West" period.

The town looked deserted. The streets were empty, the windows closed and boarded up. A pin drop could've been heard.

"Where is everybody?" McCoy thought aloud.

"I. don't know," Kirk replied.

There was suddenly a soft noise. Well, it was soft at first, but gradually got louder. It sounded like many things purring all at once. Kirk, Spock McCoy and Minerva all turned around and saw a huge group of tribbles "stampeding" toward them.

"Quick!" Kirk shouted. "Run into one of the buildings!"

They all dashed into a house and slammed the door shut behind them.

"That was close!" Kirk gasped.

"What are you doing in my house?" A woman's voice demanded.

Kirk turned to see a girl slightly older, but shorter, than Minerva. She had blonde hair and brown eyes.

"The tribbles," Kirk said. "We ran away from them." Kirk knew that sounded incredibly stupid. The woman nodded.

"Those tribbles are always causing trouble. By the way, I'm Diane." She glanced over at Spock. "Rather interesting friend you got there."

"I'm James Kirk," Kirk began. "This is Doctor McCoy, Spock, and Minerva."

"Pleased to meet you," Diane curtseyed. The others muttered their greetings.

"What's wrong with the tribbles?" Minerva asked.

"They're flesh-eating tribbles," Diane explained. "They eat everything in their paths."

"Similar to Army Ants in the rainforests on Earth," Spock said. Diane nodded.

"They would be interesting to study," Minerva said. Spock nodded in agreement.

"You know, I always liked Tribbles," Kirk said. "They serviced many purposes. They made that really cool cracking sound when you stepped on them, and they made great basketballs. Who could've known that they'd be flesh-eating monsters?"

"Indeed," Minerva said, slightly confused.

"Captain, I believe by scanning their genetic structure we could find out how they became this way and possibly a way to rectify them and return them to their more docile state," Spock said.

"Sounds neat-o!" Kirk said. "Bones, Minerva, help him out."

"Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a tribble caretaker!"

"Come on, Bones," Minerva said. McCoy shrugged and followed them out.

"So what do WE do?" Diane asked.

"I have an idea," Kirk said. He bent and whispered something in her ear. Her eyes widened and she slapped Kirk right across the face. "JEEZE!" Kirk exclaimed. "What IS it with you women? All females are supposed to find me irresistible and be dumb as stumps! What is UP with that?"

"Come on, Jimmy," Diane said, rolling her eyes. "Which planets have YOU been to?"

Kirk went off into a corner to pout.

Meanwhile, out in the street, Spock, Minerva and McCoy were doing something that was WORTH doing.

There were tribbles everywhere. It seemed as if they were asleep, because none of them were moving, but they could hear sounds coming from them. Spock and Minerva scanned some of the tribbles while McCoy made sure they (the tribbles) wouldn't sneak up on the three humanoids.

"Fascinating," Minerva and Spock chorused.

"You two are meant for each other," McCoy groaned. Spock and Minerva glanced at each other and returned their gazes back to their tricorders.

"Look at how irregular their genes are," Minerva said.

"Indeed," Spock said. "So irregular, and yet every single tribble has the exact same makeup! They must have been genetically engineered."

"What do you think happened?" McCoy asked. "Science project gone wrong?"

"Hardly," an old man said, walking over to them gingerly so as not to wake the tribbles.

"Could you please. Ow. Ow." Minerva said. "Ow ow OW!"

McCoy looked down and saw a small tribble nibbling on Minerva's ankle. McCoy stomped on it and it made a really cool "ISQUOI/Icarack!" sound.

"Wow, that is fun," McCoy admitted.

"That's nothing," the old man said. "Put them in a pot of boiling water and keep them in there until they stop screaming. Or they taste really good when you shove them in a bag and slam them against a tree a few times. You don't have as much 'crunch' in your tribble, and it relieves more stress than just stepping on them. Plus, it doesn't leave that unsightly heel print-"

"Excuse me sir," Spock said. "Do you know anything about the tribbles?"

"I'll tell you everything," the old man said.

Spock, Minerva and McCoy all came into the house where Kirk and Diane were .

"Did you find anything?" Kirk asked. Spock nodded.

"The tribbles were genetically engineeredby a man in this city," Spock said.

"Why?"

"Apparently," Minerva started. "A man wanted to use them as guard animals. I think it's stupid that tribbles would make good animals to threaten trespassers." Spock nodded his agreement.

"So what are we going to do about the tribbles?" Diane asked.

"You will DIE!" A tall, threatening man stood in the doorway.

"I do not see that as an option," Spock said.

The man stepped into the house, guns pointed at the small group. He wore a bright red jacket with black pants and a cowboy hat.

"It's an old west Redshirt!" McCoy said excitedly.

"Why do you wish to kill us?" Spock asked.

"You know the secret of the tribbles," the redshirt replied.

"Why?" Diane asked.

"Because it's a plot hole."

"Oh."

"How about a duel?" Kirk dared.

"Jim, no!" McCoy said, pretending to care.

"Outside," Kirk continued. "Right now."

"Very well," the old west redshirt said.

The two men stood a hundred paces away from each other.

"Draw, sucka!" Redshirt said.

The redshirt drew and shot first and hit Jim right in the stomach. His shirt ripped, but then the bullet fell out and the wound healed. Kirk shot the redshirt and the redshirt fell to the ground.

"Death is irrelevant," Kirk said. "You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile."

The others gave him a strange look. Kirk grinned sheepishly.

McCoy walked over to the redshirt and felt for a pulse. He promptly announced, "He's dead, Jim."

"I know."

"Captain, what do you suggest we do about the tribbles?" Spock asked.

"Kill them," Kirk said, cackling evilly. "KILL THEM ALL!!"

"Could WE handle this one, Jimmy?" Minerva asked.

"Fine, I suppose."

* * *

Spock and Minerva were in the bio lab discussing ideas for the trouble with the man-eating tribbles.

"And so," Spock said. "By emitting the wave at this intensity and speed, it should permanently alter the tribbles' personalities to it's peaceful, natural state." Minerva nodded.

"I'll have it ready soon," she said, getting up.

Soon indeed! Five minutes later, Minerva looked up from the science station and reported all she had to do was press the button.

"Make it so!" Kirk said with a cheesy British accent. Minerva nodded.

"Sir transmission from the planet," Uhura reported. "They're reporting that all tribble hostilities have ceased."

"Excellent!" Kirk said. "Let's beam down and say goodbye to that charming dame, Diane."

Kirk, Spock, and McCoy all stood before Diane, saying their goodbyes. Diane gave Spock the Vulcan salute, and hugged McCoy.

"How about a kiss for the brave man who saved the planet?" Kirk asked.

Diane nodded.

"I suppose that would be nice," she said.

Kirk puckered up, but Diane went over to Spock and kissed him square on the lips. She went back to Kirk. "Here's one for the road," Diane said, bringing her knee up and hitting him between his legs.

Kirk sat in the center seat with Spock on his left and McCoy on his right.

"Well, we've once again violated the Prime Directive to save a planet from a pathetic threat," Kirk said.

"Indeed," Spock said.

"Well aren't YOU proud of yourself?" Kirk muttered.

"As I believe humans say in these cases, 'I GOT SOME!'"

"McCoy, do you thin there's one woman out there that I'll eventually want to settle down with and have children with?" Kirk asked.

"Dammit Jim!" Bones snapped. "I'm a Doctor, not a miracle worker!"

"Oh, shut up."

THE END! YOU FREAKING PIRATE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!

But there are more chapters to come! LOOK FORWARD FOR "Spock and Eggnog!!"

WHEE HOO!