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"Some assembly required…For SCIENCE!"
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"Tab A is inserted into Slot B," Perceptor read from the instructions, and Skyfire had never found anything to be quite so frustrating as assembling human furniture.
The Autobots were determined to do this human wedding ritual correctly, and that required buying some furniture Carly wanted. Nobody quite knew why only Perceptor, Skyfire, Red Alert, Sunstreaker, and Mirage were being invited to the 'bridal shower' while everyone else was required to attend a 'bachelor party,' but the bringing of gifts was a tradition the Autobots understood. Skyfire and Perceptor had gone in together to create a special science project for their little human friend to enjoy after the honeymoon. Red Alert had only smiled mysteriously and said he had his gift covered. He'd refused to explain further.
Sunstreaker and Mirage had decided on browsing her bridal registry, and they'd found the furniture she'd requested to be quite tasteful. Ordering it by phone had been easy. Brawn had picked Carly's chosen home decor up from the store for them no problem, but then they'd hit a snag. Assembling the accursed office set was not going according to plan. They'd started out believing that reading the instructions was unnecessary. They were advanced sentient alien robots. Surely it would be simplicity itself to put together two interlocking cabinets and a desk set complete with office chair.
Except that they'd since discovered that human furniture was apparently constructed according to laws of nature simply nonexistent on Cybertron. "I believe the term is 'unf,'" Perceptor had commented when Sunstreaker and Mirage had surrendered in despair, throwing themselves to the floor in the Ark laboratory and begging the microscope Autobot abjectly for assistance.
"'Oomph,'" Skyfire had corrected him. "An exaggerated gust of air expressing that one is giving up."
The smaller scientist had given him a crooked grin. "I was referring to our comrades' presence at my feet." He'd gestured at the two mechs prostrate on the floor. They'd kicked their heels, chins propped in their hands as they grinned up at the ranking Science Officer of the ship. "Defeat, I find, opens many doors to opportunity. I believe in exploring every possibility presented to me."
"Oh." Skyfire had taken a moment to process that. "…oh. What an opportunity," he said, marveling a bit.
"Indeed." The other Autobot scientist had tipped his head to the side to peer sidelong up at the shuttle. "Do calm down. Trust me, Skyfire. I am a scientist."
After having heard those exact words from Starscream many, many times, Skyfire knew better than to believe them. He also knew that he'd keep falling for them, because there wasn't an incident yet that hadn't been worth it afterward.
Despite the Primus-fragged furniture and it's horribly inaccurate instruction manual. "I think I found Slot B," the shuttle said slowly, examining the pieces of furniture on his palm. "Tab A is still missing. Sunstreaker, are you sure you brought everything?" His question got a muffled whine in response, but it sounded vaguely affirmative. "Mirage?"
"Uh-huh," the noblemech gasped. "Yes. Certainly." Perceptor bounced slightly on his seat, bending over the makeshift workbench Skyfire had laid the tiny sheaf of instruction papers out on, and Mirage's gasping became a blurt of static.
Skyfire glanced up. "Sunstreaker might have lost Tab A under his seats," he suggested after a long, considering moment. "Perceptor, would you mind checking?"
"I would not."
Sunstreaker whined again, but the squirming was definitely pushing into the scientist's hands. Perceptor took his own sweet time looking. He checked all the nooks and crannies methodically, making sure to look here, there, and everywhere. Skyfire decided not to mention that he'd found Tab A about five minutes into Perceptor's search. If there were any other furniture pieces lost inside their golden workbench, the smaller scientist would be sure to find it. If they were plastic, they might be a little melted after Sunstreaker overloaded in a scorching blast of hot air, but Skyfire was confident they could manage.
Perceptor was probably the uncrowned king of improvising, after all. Ask him to assemble furniture, and he'd patiently work with what a mech gave him. In this case, a box of frustratingly not-fitting-together wood and two Autobots. Hence, one half-assembled cabinet, a workbench, and a chair.
Said chair looked more than a little intimidated when Perceptor, undeterred by finding nothing during his search, turned his attention downward. Mirage had watched Sunstreaker slump in his bonds, steaming slightly, and now it seemed that the clever hands and vast intellect behind them had turned on him. Wide blue optics stared fixedly at the set of cables Perceptor plucked from off Sunstreaker's back. The scientist smiled a self-satisfied quirk of his lips and wound the cables around his hands before snapping them taunt. Mirage jumped at the sound.
"Where are the screws?" Skyfire poked futilely through the handful of parts. "There's supposed to be a whole bag of screws in here."
"A whole bag, you say?" Perceptor inquired mildly. "How many screws should there be, would you say?"
The shuttle's lips were twitching when the blue Autobot under his fellow scientist looked at him, optics wild around the edges. Mirage seemed to have no idea what he'd gotten himself into, more's the pity. "At least three screws. Where are they?"
"I shall endeavor to find them," Perceptor promised.
"Why, thank you!" Skyfire's cheer was all the more inappropriate for the fact that he delicately pinched the 'missing' bag between thumb and forefinger to wave at Mirage the moment Perceptor's optics turned away. The spy managed a weak noise reminiscent of 'Wait, what?' right before his face was gently turned upward.
"Your electron current flow is inefficient due to our present position," Perceptor informed him clinically, and Skyfire fought off a temperature warning because he heard that same voice dryly narrating for their experiments every single day and holy slag that was hot. Assembling furniture should not be this frustrating, but right now Skyfire ached. "I suggest we switch electrodes, in what may be referred to as a 'positive to negative' swap, and I would appreciate it if you did not call this 'bondage.' These are jumper cables, although if you wish me to use them as a leash to lead you, I may do so upon being provided...sufficient motivation." The smaller scientist flicked an amused look back at Skyfire. "Anode my cathode, and if you do not know my name afterward, you may refer to me as 'baby.'"
The shuttle tore his gaze away and back to the furniture. The human type didn't moan like that, but it seemed both kinds were some assembly required.
It was a pleasant torture for all involved.
(Three months later, the four mechs so tortured found out that Red Alert's bridal shower gift had been a video recording of that day in the laboratory. Carly credited it for why she got pregnant so soon after the wedding.)
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"FOR SCIENCE!" - illustration by Shibara available on Ao3
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[A/N: The illustrations are available on LJ or Ao3, and they're really what tie this story together. If you can, pop over to the other site to check out Shibara's illustrations for these scenes. ]