Allysen: Thanks for having your minds crushed so that we can write something amusing. And, remember, "Dumbledore has a headache," so that's why he's swearing.
Kittenn1011: Let's just say, we have earned our creative license, and made use of them when we noticed "[Draco] put his thingy in [Ebony's] you-know-what and we did it for the first time" (My Immortal, Chapter 4). Because that could mean so many things. Yes, it is clarified later, but by the time we reached that the idea we used had sunk it and it was so easy to change the outright statement by changing the way the words were said. Ebony is an unreliable narrator, anyways.
Of Mary Sues and Mind Slavery
A dark force is working within Hogwarts in the form of a deluded teenage vampire. Now it's up to the most mismatched group in Hogwarts history to save it. This is the real story of My Immortal.
Chapter Three could not be shown in any intelligible point of view. To see what happened in My Immortal, Chapter Three, please read My Immortal, Chapter Three.
My Immortal Chapters Four and Five
Chapter Two: VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD
Dumbledore's POV
The words Severus Snape spoke would not stick in Albus Dumbledore's mind long enough to spare them more than a passing moment's thought. His entire consciousness focused on the agonizing migraine he had been suffering through for nearly a week.
"Headmaster? Which potion?" Severus' harsh voice did no favours for the pain. Albus almost considered just ordering Severus back to his dungeons so he could suffer alone, but the small, still-reasonable portion of his brain insisted otherwise.
Collecting himself the best he could, Albus replied, "The strongest."
Severus raised his eyebrow. "Headmaster, I must warn you the potency of my strongest pain reliever—"
"Now, Severus," said Albus, leaning over his desk and cradling his aching head in his hands. "Do not underestimate the power of this strange presence."
"Yes, sir," said Severus as he turned and left the room, robes billowing. Albus let out a sigh of relief; he could finally be alone and in silence with his headache.
For a short moment, silence filled the room. Then, the doors swung open and banged against the wall. The portraits of past headmasters on the wall shook in their frames, began complaining loudly about how nobody respected them anymore. "Albus!" Minerva exclaimed.
Albus opened his eyes, irritated. "What?" he asked, his tone restrained.
"Mr. Malfoy and Miss… Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way… where does her last name start, exactly?" McGonagall paused. "Never mind that. Mr. Malfoy and Miss Way seem to be planning to sneak out of the school tonight to see… some sort of band— I believe it is an American and… or… a muggle band— which is preforming in Hogsmeade this weekend for some unexplainable reason."
"I see," said Dumbledore. "Could it be that you have misheard?"
"That's not very likely. Miss Way practically screamed it in the Great Hall this morning. Several heard, including myself. Only one student reported it, however."
Dumbledore frowned. "Odd. If I recall correctly, Miss Way is a member of Slytherin house."
"Yes, she is. Most of my house would have jumped at the chance to inform us of her misconducts. They do take the House Cup much too seriously."
"We've handled students sneaking out before," Dumbledore said, waving his hand absently. "You know how to deal with it. You're dismissed."
"I'm not a student," said Minerva irately. She paused for a moment and watched him before asking, "Are you alright, Albus?"
"Couldn't be better," he lied.
Minerva nodded. "Good. Then, there is another matter I need to discuss with you."
Albus held back a groan. "What is it?"
"The Statute of Secrecy may be broken if it's really a muggle band playing in Hogsmeade. In fact, it may have already been broken."
"That is not our concern. Contact the Ministry if it really bothers you." Dumbledore rubbed his temple carefully.
"We should not leave such a sensitive matter to the Ministry, Albus. You've said so yourself countless times—"
"Alright," said Dumbledore, exasperated. "I'll deal with it."
On the night of the concert, Albus almost wanted to allow Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way to have her way without interference simply because, despite the presence of Severus' most potent painkiller, his migraine had become too much to bear. Nonetheless, he found himself waiting outside the front doors of the castle to catch them attempting to sneak back in. He doubted the pair could be intelligent enough to take a secret passageway, but he stationed the night's patrols around the passages anyways.
He did not immediately see the flying car; after all, he had no reason to watch the sky. The sound of the engine from somewhere in the sky revealed their location, despite the black car nearly blending in with the night sky. At the annoying sound, a sharp pain pierced his head. He looked up and spotted the vehicle as it landed in the Forbidden Forest. Albus frowned. He expected that behaviour of most of the school, but not Draco Malfoy; after his and Harry Potter's encounter with Lord Voldemort during detention in first year, he had been terrified of the Forest.
Briskly, Albus began walking into the forest. It's called the Forbidden Forest for a reason, he thought bitterly. If it were permitted, it would be called the Permitted Forest. As he travelled into the darker region of the forest, he cast a quick, silent lumos and wondered from what kind of dangers he would be obliged to save them.
He did not expect to find what he did: Draco Malfoy (who happened not to be wearing clothes) was taking limes from Ebony (whose top was missing), putting the lime in a coconut, and mixing them together. He passed the coconut to Ebony; she leaned in and kissed him before raising the coconut to her lips, screaming excitedly—
"What the hell are you doing you motherfuckers!" The vulgar words left Albus' mouth before he could even form a complete thought about the sight before him. In fact, for a moment all his mental functions had stopped and his headache had, for a short moment, disappeared. Once his brain restarted, he realized what he had said and regretted not kicking Minerva in his office the moment she burst in a few days previous.
Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way stared at him blankly, and then let out a loud gasp.
If Minerva wants them punished so badly, thought Albus, she can do it herself. With that resolution, he marched out of the Forbidden Forest; it took all his self-control— and he had quite a lot of self-control— to not grab their wrists and forcefully drag them out of the Forest. Instead, they trailed behind him.
As they exited the Forbidden Forest, he glanced back to make sure they were still following him. He noticed that, for some reason beyond his understanding, neither had retrieved their clothing from the forest floor. Instead, they remained unclothed. "You ludicrous fools," he said, more to himself than towards them.
Minerva and Severus had been patrolling in the Entrance Hallway. As Albus, Ebony, and Draco walked through the doors, the pair turned and simply stared at them for a long moment.
"They were," Albus paused for a long moment, unable to find the right words, before continuing, "having sexual intercourse," he said the words like they were a question, "in the Forbidden Forest." He turned to the Slytherins and saw them in the light for the first time that night. Red stains ran down her cheeks, almost as if she had been crying tears of blood. Odd, thought Dumbledore. Perhaps she should see Poppy about that.
Severus raised his eyebrow.
"Why did you do such a thing, you…mediocre dunces?" Minerva's voice was unsure; Albus' questioning tone likely caused her some confusion.
"How dare you?" Severus' voice held an equally uncertain tone. He glanced to Albus for guidance.
Before Albus could clarify his earlier statement, Draco shrieked, "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"
For a long moment, everyone was completely silent. The teachers exchanged questioning looks. They knew each other too well: almost as if a telepathic conversation had taken place, they all came to the same conclusion. Something was wrong with those two, and they needed to discuss what happened without them present.
"Fine," spat Severus. "Very well. You may go to your rooms."
The two stomped up the stairs dramatically. Albus, Minerva, and Severus stared at them in complete shock.
The moment they disappeared from sight, Severus said, "I believe they're supposed to be going… down."
"Well, their mental capacities are going down," replied Minerva.
"What were they actually doing?" asked Severus, looking to Albus for an explanation.
Albus sighed. "I do not really know." He stroked his beard thoughtfully. "They had a lime… and a coconut… and they were in that state of undress." He furrowed his eyebrows, still attempting to reason out what happened in the Forest. "He put the lime in the coconut, shook it—"
Severus snorted. "Good one, Albus. Now what really happened?"
Albus continued as if Severus has not spoken. "She began to drink from the coconut… acting… oddly." He looks at them expectantly. They must know what he meant.
Severus paused. "He put the lime… in the coconut. She drank them both up?"
"Yes," said Albus. "I just said that."
A second pause. "Where did they even get the coconut?" asked Severus.
"Do coconuts migrate?" asked McGonagall, her face completely straight.
Severus jerked his head towards her, eyes wide. Quickly, he covered his mouth with his hand, muffling a small chuckle.
"Are you alright?" asked Albus. Severus nodded, not removing his hand from his mouth. Albus wrote off his behaviours and gave Minerva a baffled look. "They could be carried," he said thoughtfully. "Maybe by a sparrow. They could grip it by the husk— where are you going, Severus?"
By the time Albus noticed his absence, Severus was already halfway out the door. They could hear him burst into laughter in the other room.
"Odd," said Minerva. "I've never known him to have such an outburst. I wonder what that was about."
"I cannot be sure," replied Dumbledore. "Perhaps the idea of migrating coconuts got the better of him. It is a ridiculous idea." He sighed, rubbing his temples as he felt his headache intensify. His thoughts blanked for a second, and then he wondered, What was it I was supposed to be discussing with Minerva? He did not think about it too long; instead, he wrote it off as something insignificant. "Goodnight Minerva."
"Albus?" she called to his retreating form. "Albus, what about—?" She cut herself off, seemingly forgetting what she wanted to say before she could finish her sentence. "Goodnight Albus," she said before he was out of earshot.