A/N: So, I know Juliet being dead was a bit of a bomb but let me explain myself. I try my absolute BEST in every Shassie story of mine to not make Juliet into some heinous OOC bitch just for the sake of Shassie. This is the first time I've had her killed off. XD Ladies and gentlemen, a moment of silence for Juliet O'Hara.
…
GOOD ENOUGH! :D
Eventually Shawn had stopped crying. Now he was just silent. Lassiter thought that a quiet Shawn might be something worth seeing but not like this. Shawn's eerie silence left Lassiter feeling that emptiness in the other man and strangely enough, it made Lassiter feel his own emptiness too.
Losing people was a normal aspect of life. Death was a normal aspect of life but it was expected at the end of a long journey. Dying was what elderly people after they'd lived for so long that the only adventure life had left for them was the end. Juliet was nowhere near her time. She'd been in prime, more alive and accomplished than she'd ever been and in one shot, a desperate man took all that away.
Lassiter and Shawn both agreed that his life sentence would never be enough and it didn't matter that he was trying to protect his daughter. His daughter wasn't in danger of dying. She was in danger of being removed and put back into the proper custody of her mother but death was never an option. A tender cause didn't justify a death, any kind, especially Juliet's. He hadn't meant to but he hit her straight in the head. She was gone the moment the bullet passed through her.
The emptiness that ensued at the funeral, the public mourning of an officer, was felt by everyone. In a way, Lassiter half expected Shawn to take on the attitude he'd had when Despereaux had passed, like he didn't believe it but Shawn stood there as quiet as he'd ever been. He didn't even cry, not until he reached the sanctity of the backseat of the Blueberry. Gus had seen him go there and let him be but Lassiter had noticed as well and he stood there for a few moments watching a broken Shawn beat the seats and bury his face. It was like watching Shawn all alone, at the end of the day when all that energy had run out and all that was left was loneliness. To this day Lassiter could never admit he'd seen him like that.
Lassiter finally got up from his spot on his bed. The two men had retired to Lassiter's room. It wasn't the most elaborate of quarters but it wasn't as small as the third class rooms. It was a comfortable and modest size, enough space for a bed and dresser and plenty of standing room.
Lassiter pulled the thick blanket off of his bed. Shawn had been standing in the corner for a few minutes now. He hadn't moved or said a word. Lassiter wrapped the blanket around Shawn's shoulder and guided him to the bed. He sat him down and then sat himself down. He awkwardly rubbed his hands together. Okay, so he managed to fill twenty seconds or so of nothingness with some movement but now what?
"Constable?" Shawn said quietly.
Lassiter looked at him oddly. Why was Shawn calling him Constable? That was a bit odd wasn't it? It was just the two of them and it wasn't as if Shawn was in a state for games.
"Why did you save me?" Shawn asked.
Lassiter didn't really have to think about it. Almost instantaneously he replied;
"Because it was the right thing to do."
Lassiter found himself answering in his accent. He wasn't sure why. It just happened. He was still a little buzzed. The adrenaline rush hadn't quite counteracted the alcohol. He was drunk enough to play along but sober enough to realize it.
"Tell me, boy, what possessed you to pull a stunt like that?" Lassiter asked.
God, it was so much easier to ask that question as a Constable. If Lassiter was being himself, they might sit the whole night in silence. Detective Lassiter wasn't good with emotional break downs (or emotions for that matter) but who was to say that Constable Lassiter couldn't try?
"A few years ago, I was with a woman," Shawn said, pulling the blanket around him tighter.
"Aye?" Lassiter asked.
"I loved her. I loved more than anything. She was so happy and kind. She always had her heart in the right place even when I didn't. She shone so bright. She was like…like my north star. I guess that's why I wanted to fall. The sea looks so much like the sky at night, doesn't it? I thought…maybe if I fell into the sky I'd find her again, my north star."
Lassiter had never heard Shawn speak that way. It was almost too poetic for Shawn Spencer then again, if Shawn had really taken hold of this role-play, then he wasn't the phony psychic detective Shawn, he was the poor, travelling writer Shawn. It made sense for Shawn to speak of Juliet this way but at the same time, Lassiter felt like he was hearing things that were (to the real Shawn and in the real world) forbidden for him to know.
"She died young, my Juliet. I never even got my chance to ask her to marry me."
Lassiter's jaw dropped a little. He didn't know Shawn had wanted to marry O'Hara.
Dear God, he really loved her.
"I miss her and seeing Lady Stephanie was…too much." Shawn admitted.
"That's a shame…Spencer, right?" Lassiter asked for clarification on his name. As long as they played the game, there was a certain fantasy to all this. They weren't really talking about it. Not when it came to the technical aspects anyway.
"Spencer?" Shawn laughed lightly, "Call me Shawn, Constable."
Lassiter had no intention of dignifying Shawn with his first name even in such a situation. Role-play aside, Shawn Spencer was still Shawn Spencer.
"Oh, I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with-"
"Just, call me Shawn." Shawn repeated.
Shawn looked at Lassiter with a sense of urgency. Calling him Spencer would shatter the façade. It was too close to their norm. Lassiter sighed.
"All right, Shawn then."
Shawn smiled slightly before going straight faced.
"And for the record, Constable, I wasn't jumping. I was holding on until I couldn't anymore and would then proceed to fall."
"Sounds a bit like your lingering love for her."
Shawn looked at Lassiter confused. Lassiter put an arm around Shawn's shoulders. Lassiter had such strong hands. They felt so capable and so secure. Even through the blanket, Shawn could feel warmth from Lassiter's palm resting on his other shoulder.
"You can't hold to a love that isn't there, Shawn. If you keep holding and holding then one day you'll break and then you'll fall apart. There are plenty of other types of love out in the world, you know? Plenty of love to be had that doesn't hurt."
Lassiter felt accomplished with himself. He had said something really deep and relevant. Sure, he wasn't so sure that he actually believed it and part of him thought that he might be quoting something he'd seen or heard in passing but he felt accomplished in the end. Maybe this emotional stuff wasn't so hard after all.
Shawn very slowly rested his head against Lassiter taking the gesture from manly comfort to something slightly awkward.
It was kind of funny that Lassiter had mentioned 'plenty of other types of love'. Shawn smiled as he took in Lassiter's scent. It was the normal smell of him accompanied by some sort of cologne. It was very light almost like a perk to the sense rather than a full aroma itself.
Lassiter felt the urge to move but he forced himself to stay. Constable Lassiter was a man capable of comforting damn it…because if he wasn't then that meant returning to the silence and that made Lassiter even more uncomfortable.
Shawn was face to face now with the tuxedo he'd so admired since the day's start. It really was a handsome suit. He'd thought so since the minute he'd bordered and saw Lassiter giving a reserved wave to the crowd sending off the ship. It just made him look like such a gentleman. He was a handsome man, really he was.
"Tell me, Constable, where did you get such a suit?" Shawn finally asked, "It's almost tailored made for you."
Lassiter looked down at his suit. He ran a hand over the lapel of the jacket.
"That's because it was."
"On your wages?" Shawn asked in slight disbelief.
"You pay what you must for special occasions."
Shawn laughed a little. Lassiter felt the other man in his arms. He didn't feel cold anymore. He was warming up. He still smelled like the ocean though, all salt and breeze. Shawn had lost his hat long before now and his hair, previously slicked back, was free. Lassiter had the tiniest urge to fix it but it never seemed to register.
"I didn't realize that this trip could mean so much to a Constable," Shawn responded.
"No, not the trip. This was the tuxedo I wore to my wedding."
Shawn moved to look up at Lassiter.
"You're married?" Shawn asked, sticking to character.
Lassiter paused and then shook his head.
"I haven't been married for a long time now. My wife left me a few years ago. She came back once but just to tell me she was through with me."
Shawn was at a loss for words. Lassiter didn't look particularly sad. He just looked solemn and accepting but it was surreal to hear him talk about his ex-wife, especially since Shawn was there when said ex had reappeared. It was funny how Shawn and Lassiter seemed to just be around whenever things happened in life. In a way, it made them close. They'd had their moments of mutual insecurity, loss, fear, sadness. They'd built one another up on more than one occasion. Still, moments aside there was something distinctly unnatural about being so blatantly open with one another.
Then again, they weren't just normal old Lassiter and Spencer, now were they?
"I can't see why any woman would want to be through with you," Shawn said quietly.
And because they weren't plain old Lassiter and Spencer.
"You seem pleasant enough, Constable."
It meant that it was okay to be honest.
"You're fairly handsome too." Shawn continued, "You have amazing eyes, Constable. They're like two pools of ice water. I noticed that when you first grabbed me off the railing. You have very nice eyes, strong hands too."
Lassiter took his arm off of Shawn, hoping it would prompt Shawn to also pull away but Shawn stayed put. Shawn actually moved in closer to Lassiter.
"T-thank you," Lassiter managed to say, his Irish getting shaky.
Shawn's hand emerged out from the blanket. It crawled up Lassiter's arm, caressing the muscle hidden just underneath black fabric and a white button up sleeve.
"You're very in shape, Constable." Shawn said, sounding mostly innocent, "I'm glad you were the one to find me. If it had been anyone else, I might be at the bottom of the ocean right now."
Lassiter stood up quickly and awkwardly. He moved across the room and began to fuss with his cufflinks. He harassed the perfect buttons on it, trying to grope at hope of putting them back in some order. Lassiter sighed as he let his hands drop to his sides. His buttons were perfect the way they were. There wasn't a damn thing he could do to keep himself busy.
"Constable," Shawn said, getting an idea, "would you mind if I cleaned myself up a bit?"
Lassiter, pleased that Shawn had deduced a way to excuse himself, nodded. Shawn disappeared behind a door. Of course, despite the creepy accuracy of the ship's structure and layout, Stephanie did feel as if a few modern accommodations were necessary, like personal bathrooms and showers in the first and second class rooms. Third class had public showers and bathrooms, like a college dorm would. Shawn was secretly thrilled that he wouldn't have to take part in community bathing.
Shawn gently closed the door behind him. He did it so gently in fact that it didn't quite close. The door silently strayed a few inches open. Lassiter found himself looking through the open sliver and watched as Shawn turned on the water. Slowly, Shawn began to undress.
Lassiter wasn't sure what prevented him from moving. He couldn't quite place his reason for not shutting his eyes, or walking away, or simply closing the door. He just couldn't.
Shawn pulled down each suspender slowly. His arm slid out of them smoothly and the two straps hung down by the sides of his legs before he un-tucked his shirt. Shawn then moved on to the buttons. It was funny. Lassiter half expected Shawn to be facing the mirror but Shawn had his back to it. It was surprisingly not narcissistic of him.
Shawn undid each button slowly. His fingers didn't fumble or fly through them. They just approached each one carefully. He wasn't stripping or simply taking his clothes off. He was de-robing himself and it was graceful in way that Lassiter hadn't expected.
Shawn slid out of his shirt sleeves. The fabric seemed to linger on his arms, a fleeting embrace. Shawn then folded it and set it on the counter with a strange tenderness. He was treating his clothing like it was important, like it was a part of him. Lassiter stared at Shawn in slight wonder.
Shawn sat down on the sink and untied his shoes before slipping them off. He was being so specific and detailed. Even his socks were folded together in a neat pair.
Now Shawn was left in nothing but pants. Lassiter knew that he needed to look away. He had to look away now but nothing happened beyond the notion. Lassiter stared at Shawn. Shawn's naked torso was tanned, his abs slight but present. His biceps had more muscle on them than expected. Just how long had those muscles held Shawn to the boat? Lassiter could see the soreness on them, how red they were and how strained they looked. Shawn had held on for dear life. He really had gone through the trouble of exhausting himself. That was just like him, to keep pushing and going and holding until he burned out.
Shawn was more than half naked. Lassiter felt like he could really see Shawn for who he was, hardworking in his own way, stubborn, strong, weak, careless, graceful. It was like looking at Shawn when Shawn thought nobody was looking. It was like watching him cry in that car after the funeral again.
Lassiter suddenly felt watched and he looked up to see Shawn staring right at him. Shawn didn't say anything. He wasn't smirking or raising an eyebrow. He just stared at Lassiter as blank as Shawn could have possibly been. It wasn't an invitation or declining gesture. It was just a wordless, expressionless gaze that seemed to say "I see you."
Lassiter coughed hard and purposefully. He walked away from his spying spot and approached the dresser.
"Right! I'll just prepare for bed then," he said, not sure what else to do.
Lassiter stripped with almost militant efficiency down to his boxers. He hung up his tuxedo quickly. He was tempted to linger and look at it. He always was when he saw it which explained why he usually hid it so expertly in the back of his closet. Things may not have worked out between him and his ex-wife but it wasn't as if he hadn't loved her. He had.
Lassiter couldn't help it. He lingered. His hand rested on the pocket. He recalled wearing a yellow flower in it. Yellow was her favorite color. She hated orange but she loved yellow. Lassiter liked blue but that didn't matter. She liked yellow and back then he would have given her the world. He could deal with a little yellow.
Lassiter heard the shower shut off and in a panic, he shut off the lights and flung himself into bed. He pulled the covers over himself quickly and pretended to be asleep. He felt stupid lying there and faking a light snore. Shawn had had the door slightly open. It wasn't as if he didn't know that Lassiter hadn't just jumped into bed. Nonetheless, Lassiter continued his charade hoping that it might ward Shawn away.
Lassiter felt deathly wrong as he heard his bed creak with Shawn's weight.
"What are you doing, boy?" Lassiter asked, still playing Constable.
Shawn slid up closer to Lassiter. He smelled clean now. It was almost alluring.
"Forgive me, Constable," Shawn said quietly, "I just don't quite trust myself to be alone yet."
There was nothing that Lassiter could say to that. He just lied there in silence for a minute. The eventual agreement was inevitable but Lassiter would give a moment of tension at least. He couldn't throw Shawn out after a reason like that but he could make him squirm for a second, couldn't he?
"Just stay on your side," Lassiter replied with a grumble.
Shawn smiled, his content grin hidden in the dark. Lassiter's bed was warm and inviting and the fact that Lassiter ducked into it so quickly saved Shawn the pain of asking to stay the night. He'd gotten to just slip in. Shawn was so tempted to make a joke about having a sleepover and starting a pillow fight but he held it all back. If he stood a chance with this, then he had to keep playing his part.
"Constable?" Shawn asked after a moment of silence.
Lassiter groaned, "Yes?"
"Why were you watching me?"
Lassiter's face turned stark red and his face felt hotter than hell itself.
"Well- I-"
"I mean, all day you've been watching me."
Lassiter calmed down. If Shawn had been specific, asked Lassiter why'd he'd been watching him undress, Lassiter honestly wouldn't have had an answer.
"But why?" Shawn asked.
Because you're an idiot goofball who would totally fall off the ship or get into trouble and get hurt or hurt someone else and I'm responsible for you.
"I don't know," Lassiter defaulted.
This was getting stupid. It was one thing to sit around and pretend when they were trying to avoid actually talking about something important but it was another thing when Shawn was forcing his way into Lassiter's bed and trying to make pillow talk.
"Shawn, can we stop with the games please?" Lassiter asked, his accent not quite dropping.
Shawn didn't say anything but the next thing Lassiter knew, a pair of arms embraced him from behind. It was a tight embrace and Lassiter suddenly realized something.
Oh sweet justice, he's naked!
"Spencer!" Lassiter shouted as he tried to pull away.
Shawn grip was iron tight. Lassiter wondered how it was possible. Shawn's arms should have been rendered useless after hours of work but they held onto him.
"Lassie, just calm down," Shawn said soothingly.
"Calm down! Shawn, you're naked and cuddling me!"
"I know! Look, I wanted to try a more traditional route, dinner and movie or something but- we're on the freaking Titanic, Lassie!"
"What are you talking about!" Lassiter shouted as he finally broke free of Shawn's embrace.
Lassiter rolled over and stood beside the bed. He turned on the bedside lamp quickly. Shawn laid there in the bed, his hair slightly damp and tousled. His big brown eyes seemed to plead with Lassiter but Lassiter ignored the plea.
"What the hell!" Lassiter shouted.
"Lassie, I don't know how else to say this, but I kind of maybe want to try things out with you."
"Try? Try what!" Lassiter asked, half furious and half horrified.
"I don't know! This is just as new to me as it is to you so if you could cut me a break, I'd really appreciate it."
Shawn was trying to figure things out. He knew that he liked Lassiter. He'd known for a while now. He'd never actually expected himself to make a move and yet here he was naked in the other man's bed.
And what a move, ladies and gentlemen! Shawn thought to himself sarcastically. God, I am such a screw up!
"This is- this is sick, Spencer," Lassiter shouted, "You're sick!"
Shawn glared a little.
"I'm sick?" Shawn said as he stood up from the bed, the whole of himself showing, "What about how you were staring at me while I was undressing?"
Lassiter's face went red again. It was in part because of his guilt but mostly because Shawn was fully exposed in front of him.
"You're attracted to me, Lassie, admit it!" Shawn demanded.
"Oh, I don't think so!" Lassiter shouted.
Shawn walked around to the other end of the bed and confronted Lassiter dead on.
"Then tell me you're not," he demanded.
Shawn stared down Lassiter and for the first time in a long time, Lassiter felt intimidated. He wanted to punch Shawn square in the face and throw him out but his body denied him. He was too busy being stuck under that stare of Shawn's. He looked so convinced that he was right and Lassiter, no matter how hard he fought the urge, knew Shawn was right. Even now, with Shawn's naked body so close to his, Lassiter could feel the stirrings of arousal.
Shawn grabbed Lassiter forcefully and pulled the taller man closer to his level. He kissed him with fierceness. Lassiter's eyes grew wide as Shawn forced their lips together. Lassiter pushed him away but Shawn still held onto him. Their lips parted but their proximity stayed the same.
"You're always watching me," Shawn said heatedly, "why?"
Lassiter stared at Shawn for a moment. He'd never been kissed like that. It was so reckless but then again Shawn was reckless. He was dangerous and childish and stupid… but he was also graceful and sensitive and beautiful.
Lassiter realized something. It wasn't something that could quite be put into words but it made him feel primal and angry. At the same time it made him feel something he hadn't felt in some time.
Lassiter grabbed Shawn with equal force and kissed him just as recklessly as he'd been kissed a moment ago. The kiss deepened quickly as Shawn caught on. Lassiter pushed Shawn down onto the bed. His body was on top of his and Shawn ran his hands over Lassiter's hovering torso. Somehow they found their way to Lassiter's boxers. They played about the waistband until Lassiter himself removed the boxers all together.
They went on like that for hours. They were a tangled mess of naked limbs and passionate, almost angry kissing. Their bodies rubbed against one another, generating heat and erection and eventual climax. The two laid side by side, exhausted from the intensity of their moment.
Lassiter rolled over onto his stomach. His breath was heavy. He couldn't tell what it was that he felt. It was a mix of things. He was questioning a lot and answering very little and that bothered him. Of all the things in the realm of possibilities, this wasn't what Lassiter had expected.
Maybe I am attracted to him. Lassiter thought as he looked over at Shawn.
Shawn looked back at Lassiter. He'd wanted something like this to happen for a while now. Sure, it was a strange enough notion to realize he had a crush of sorts on the detective but eventually he came to terms with it. After all, Shawn had sworn off of woman and he was too much of a romantic at heart to never fall in love again.
Women were just…too fragile. You could never love them fully and if you did they were too easily taken away by the world. Loving a woman was a dangerous thing. Loving a good woman was deadly. Shawn knew in his heart that Juliet's death had nothing to do with her being female but it wasn't just her passing that bothered him. Shawn had wanted to marry Juliet, he truly did. He'd gone and bought a ring and everything but Juliet unknowingly brushed him away. Women took time to be loved. They couldn't let their love all crash down at once on someone and they're frightened at the idea of it happening to them. Shawn wanted to love her with all the passion and endlessness he had but in the end, she wasn't strong enough for it.
Shawn looked over at Lassiter's hand. It was calloused and rough. It was aged a bit too. Shawn loved Lassiter's hands, their capability and strength and resilience. They'd been through so much in life. Lassiter was so much like his hands. He feared nothing and he kept pressing on.
Men were capable of giving love with abandon but Lassiter was capable of receiving it. Shawn knew he wouldn't break him and if he could make him belong to him he might never lose him either.
Shawn's hands reached up and cradled Lassiter's one available hand. Lassiter and Shawn had the same size of hands so the fit was perfect. Shawn held Lassiter's hand and pulled it close to his chest. Shawn couldn't pinpoint the exact time he fell in love with Lassiter. He knew it was after the majority of mourning Juliet. Maybe a year ago? Did it matter? The point was he loved him and while the scene that had just played out didn't mean they were together it at least meant he stood a shot.
Lassiter's fingers went rigid in the embrace of Shawn's. Shawn had one hand under and one on top of Lassiter's hand and oddly enough, Lassiter didn't feel like pulling away. He felt slightly uncomfortable but not to the extent that he needed to sever the contact.
Lassiter kept staring Shawn in the eyes and Shawn met his stare back with no apologies. There was something in Shawn's eyes. Lassiter couldn't place the exact emotion he just felt like Shawn was telling him that he needed him.
'I need you?' Is that it? Lassiter wondered.
As if on cue, the hand underneath Lassiter's curled and laced in between Lassiter's. Shawn held Lassiter's hand firmly.
"Just don't let go, okay Lassie?" Shawn said as he closed his eyes.
Lassiter couldn't help but remember pulling Shawn back over the railing of the ship. His mind recalled how heavy Shawn was and how lifeless. Shawn was all but dead weight by then. Now, he lied next to Lassiter, alive and well and falling asleep and Lassiter quietly thanked God that he'd made it in time because Lassiter couldn't take it if someone with so much energy, so much talent and heart and just left the world.
Lassiter curled his fingers too and held Shawn's hand.
Especially not him.
A/N: I love fluff. I'm such a fluff writer. XD Fluff's all around!